Stage 20 Megève / Morzine-Avoriaz - Dizzyguirre Takes Stage On Monster Descent

Stage 20 and it was the penultimate stage before the peloton jumps on a plane for Paris on a 146.5 km mountain stage from Megève to Morzine-Avoriaz.

Over to the kitchen and Gabs made a potato and reblochon cheese gratin which Gabs says is a popular party dish for young adults. He also made mention of a ‘lizard trolley’. I don’t know what sort of wild parties you go to Gabs!

The gratin is also a speciality of the Haute Savoie Alps region so here was a chance for the peloton to savour some real savoie fare...

Gabs has made a late run on the butter. The recipe calls for 20g but the baking dish needs to be lined with extra butter. A whole block should do it, you’d better make doubly sure the gratin doesn’t stick to the base requiring a jack hammer to clean it off. This takes the buerremetric counter to 1.1 kg. Tomorrow’s stage will bring us the verdict on ‘the year of the butter’.

From the fall of the flag at the conclusion of the départ fictif the riders were off to a quick start with Sylvain Chavanel launching the first attack.

Mattie and Robbie engaged in a bit of hot air balloon chat but between you and me, best leave it to the ‘experts’, eh?

The peloton passed what at first appeared to be a chateau but turned out to be a convent. OMG, a real life flying nun school! Plenty of wind must blow through the Alps to achieve lift off.

The rain started pelting down, Some cows were seen standing and one seated at 101 km to go so only the seated cow got the forecast right. No goats were sighted on the stage.

Wet and slippery roads inevitably brought up the topic of tread on bicycle tyres. Robbie didn’t think tread would make much of difference as a car tyre is completely different. Surely Robbie the technology exists to make a bike version of a Computer Cat tyre? They were pretty clever back in the 80s and computers have advanced a fair bit since then.

The heavens really opened and even Thor made an appearance putting the hammer down.

Earlier Henk Vogels had been out looking for filthy roads and filed a report about a monster climb he found so apparently the monster climb is the new filthy road.

Race radio was playing up as moisture seeped into the valves and messages weren’t getting across to the riders. Well, that’s what *they* say – ‘my radio isn’t working’ is the equivalent of the dog ate my homework.

There was some nice work from the camera moto for the deft cutaway from a potential nude male roadside runner. Still in the cold wet conditions we wouldn’t have seen much allowing for shrinkage.

Robbie and Mattie were caught at 60 km to go, or there abouts, my TV screen is getting harder to read. Either I get my eyes tested or get a bigger TV for next year’s Tour.

One minute in to the commentary from the Ps and already the first ‘job of work’ from Paul. This was going to be a long 60 kms.

Please, do tell about this curious sport of 'cyclocross'. In your own time Paul.

Sure enough the mangling of idioms had commenced with ‘petal to the metal’ and ‘new man on the block’.

Chapeau to the French couch peloton contingent who out-Sherliggetted the SherLiggetts with ‘Julinson Pantaphilippe’ and ‘Jarlinsian Alaphitano’, for Julian Alaphilippe and Jarlinson Pantano who’d been riding side by side out front. Genius.

Phil and Paul broke the news Peter Sagan had been handed the must combative rider of the Tour award. The packing room begs to differ – sure he’s been impressive picking up the stage wins but he already had the green jersey in the bag in the first week. Personally I think Pantano should have got it but he did pick it up for the stage at least.

Alaphitano may have been working hard out there but Paul saw Daryl Impey ‘dishing out the stick’.

The end came for the Pantaphilippe duo on the Col de Joux Plane when the fin of the ‘Shark of Messina’ Vincenzo Nibali surfaced. That’s it, when the fin of Nibali appears you’re goooone.

By this time the rain was in Biblical proportions and Phil watched as, “Nibali on the flood waters is closing in”. Phil thought he saw Alaphilippe mouth his last words, “I’m Julian Alaphilippe and I’m from Belg...I’m from France”.

It was a massive mauling from Nibali who made the most of the wet conditions turning it to shark fin soup.

There was 9 km of descending to go under very treacherous conditions on a road that even on a dry day would have you reaching for a pair of FDJ brown knicks.

Nice bike wrangling skills from Pantano who saved himself on a tricky corner and managed to catch the shark that ripped his legs off on the climb.

Race radio was officially washed out as the valves went out one by one. It didn’t seem to matter now as Ion ‘Dizzyguirre’ had the lead and took on the vomit-comet inducing descent.

We got the lecture from Paul about the winter sport of cyclocross. Paul, just like ad breaks in the final 10 kms this really isn’t the time.

Ion Izaguirre soloed to the line and what a win for the Basque born rider who bagged the first win of the Tour for the Moviestars team.

Back in the GC group Chris Froome had a reserved booking for the top step of the podium but the rest of the top ten hadn’t been settled. Richie Porte’s throw at a podium step didn’t quite work and settled for fifth. Twelve year old Romain Bardet must be thrilled as the runner up and Nairo Quintana, who blamed his performance on allergies, still grabbed a podium step in third.

There was a delay in the yellow jersey presso and Tomo was getting worried that the meter on the satellite feed would run out.

We finally got to see Froome receive his golden fleece and podium lion. As it turned out the delay was not caused by a re-dressing of his wounds and a quick freshen up - the machine used by officials to detect heat generated by hidden motors in bikes picked up a Pokémon GO Vaporeon monster and there was a stampede to the Sky team bus.

Stage 17 Berne / Finhaut-Emosson - A Sweet Win for Zakarin

Stage 17 and the Tour resumed from the final rest day for 184.5 km ride to the mountains from Berne to Finhaut-Emosson in Switzerland.

With another hot day forecast, Gabs prepared a cool and refreshing cucumber and smoked trout terrine with some trout caught by Phil that morning. To smoke the fish Phil improvised by converting the caravan of commentary into a smoker by placing the time trial hot seat in there with some cuckoo clock wood shavings.

No butter in the recipe and with only a handful of stages remaining Gabs’ vow to make this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is looking very shaky indeed.

The rest day was largely a relaxed affair with the riders cooling off with a dip in the Aare River that runs through Berne.

With the Olympics just around the corner it was time for some riders to take stock and consider whether to push on to Paris. Mark Cavendish answered the call from the British selectors to come home and Rohan Dennis called it quits.

When we joined the caravan of commentary the race was well and truly on. Warren Barguil was spotted sporting a torn-look jersey. Was he making a fashion statement? No, turned out he was involved in a crash with Borut Bozic, and Gorka Izagirre and the road surface, which acted like a grater on breathable fabric and skin.

The scenery was incredible with many oohs and aahs from the couch peloton. Switzerland, you hot mess of a country you!

If you thought the mountains were spectacular, the waterfalls (or cascades) were equally impressive – just don’t go chasing them, save the chasing for the breakaway. Oh yeah, whatever you do don’t go standing under La Cascade de Pissevache...

With a big cat. 1 and hors categorie climbs ahead, Robbie reflected on how difficult a mountain stage was in the final week of the Tour. To Robbie it was like, “you look down at your legs and all you’ve got is two barbecued sausages”. Now I’m not sure if he was referring to severe sunburn, legs burning red hot with lactic acid or a hunger induced meat-o-vision hallucination like in the cartoons.

Cooked

The Ps made their catch at 36 km to go and came across some very impressive precision crop circles at Valais. Paul thought a farmer must have used a GPS guided tractor. The Swiss are known for precision but the execution of the lines and circles looked TOO precise for GPS.

Phil talked about his time when he encountered the famous canine breed the Saint Bernard. He had difficulty controlling them, they kept running away and rescuing people buried in snow and wouldn’t sit still long enough for Phil to pour a brandy from the barrel under its chin.

The riders reached cat. 1 Col de la Forclaz. Tony Gallopin went on the attack in the desperate hope he could try and get a French stage win. Alexey Lutsenko went solo but Rafal Majka made it first to the summit hoovering up more KOM points. Jarlinson Pantano was riding with the pride of Colombia on his shoulders for their national day and went over the top with Majka.

Back in the GC group on the Forclaz, Tejay van Garderen was dropped with all hope of a high finish in Paris gone. Post race he said he had no excuses. Phil and Paul thought he was suffering what Paul calls a ‘strange reaction’ to the rest day. Whatever it was in the end it was I beg your pardon, I never promised you a van Garderen.

Vincenzo Nibali nursed his protégé Fabio Aru up the climbs and I can’t seem to shake this disturbing image of a grown man attached to one of Nibali’s nipples.

Diego Rosa played a role as a booster rocket for Aru but was ejected when the job was done. Meanwhile Katusha rider Ilnur Zakarin was rocketing up the final climb to Finhault-Emosson.

Riding for Colombian on its own wasn’t going to do it for Pantano. Russian Zakarin has his bags packed for Rio but still doesn’t know if he’s going.

Zakarin crossed the line to win his first stage at the Tour and even I was exhausted just watching that uphill drag to the line in the final couple of hundred metres.

Back in the GC group with van Garderen gone it was up to Richie Porte to take the lead for BMC. Froome latched on to his wheel and Porte was working for Froome. Again.

All eyes were on Nairo Quintana with time running out for a Paris podium finish. CANtana do it? Adam Yates, Romain Bardet, Aru and Louis Meintjes had other ideas and left Quintana in their wake. Adam Yates must have been inspired by the ‘Yates You Can’ slogans that have been painted on the roads throughout the Tour. Sadly, for Quintana this Tour is shaping up to be CAN’Tana.

Froome increased his lead over Bauke Mollema to 02’ 27”. It’s going to be tough for anyone to try and pare back that lead.

When you’re out of gas in the final week of the Tour it’s a loooong walk to the next petrol station in the mountains.

Stage 15 Bourg-en-Bresse / Culoz - Colombian Conquers Colombier in Culoz

Stage 15 and its back in the mountains as the Tour heads toward Switzerland on a 159 km route from Bourg-en-Bresse to Culoz.

After the dip and crackers debacle, Gabs made it up to the peloton with the family favourite grandmother’s chicken. The butter makes a welcome return since we last saw it in stage 10. The two tablespoons take the buerremetric counter to 730 g.

Early on in the race a sizable breakaway made its escape which included a handful of French riders including Julian Alaphilippe, Alexis Vuillermoz, Roman Sicard and of course Thomas Voeckler. 

Time is running out for a French victory at this year’s Tour. Bryan Coquard came so close in stage 4 to Marcel Kittel but today might be the day. However, the determination of Poland’s Rafal Majka to grab the polka dot jersey looked to spoil their chances.

Robbie and Mattie were calling the race from the drop of the flag. The topic of conversation was Mark Cavendish’s 30 Tour stage victories, just four short of Eddy Merckx. Cav would prefer not to be compared to the legendary Eddy Merckx because he’s Eddy Merckx. And just how good was Eddy Merckx? According to Robbie he was so good he won races he wasn’t even in.

At the 52 km mark the riders took on the category 2 ‘Col de Pea Soup’. Believe me, Robbie is getting better with his French. He can also say wazoo, which is French for bird.

The peloton made its way through countryside that takes pride in its cheese. This was celebrated in the field art work titled by Robbie, ‘Milking the cow, making the cheese’.

Phil and Paul did a Chris Froome and threw out the rule book to launch a surprise attack to catch Robbie and Mattie at 69 km to go in time for the big climb on the hors categorie Grand Colombier.

With a big contingent of Colombian riders at this Tour they shouldn’t have any trouble on the Grand Colombier, which is merely the size of foothill in their home country.

The riders started the climb of the Grand Colombier in earnest to the tune of cow bells from spectators at the side of the road, which makes up part of the soundtrack to the Tour in these mountainous regions.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier

The 13 km climb soon took its toll as one by one the sprinters were spat out the back. Every now and then Europe’s highest peak of the snow capped Mont Blanc came into view. Good thing there’s no road up there, the sprinters would just toss their bike to the side of the road and go home.

Still Mont Blanc provided a majestic backdrop to majestic vaches in one of the helicopter shots and I could almost cry.

Maps of the ‘hexagon of France’ featured heavily in field art. I wonder Paul just how many hectometres are there in the hexagon of France? There are just not enough fingers and toes to count.

Rounding the corner into the final week of the Tour we got our first ‘heads of state’ couch peloton drinking game mention from Paul. Time to raid the top shelf. Expect to hear more of heads of state in the coming days as podium in Paris takes shape.

Majka was first over the top of Grand Colombier and went on the descent with Alaphilippe and Colombian rider Jarlinson Pantano toward the finish line at Culoz. At first it was reported Julian Alaphilippe had crashed but it turned out to just be a mechanical.

Majka and Pantano crossed the line but the race wasn’t over yet with a lap of Grand Colombier but this time from a different approach via the spectacular Lacets du Grand Colombier.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier is an amazing piece of road that twists and turns up the mountain. Phil said it resembled a tape worm. I think it looked more like intestines, or was it a series of S-bends?

Questionable fan behaviour was on display as smoke from a lit flare reduced visibility on the climb to zero. My lesson is hey kids, don’t set fire to your flares, wear them like a boss.

France’s last hope for the stage Romain Bardet rolled the dice on the Lacets but by that stage Majka and Pantano where making their charge down the hella cray but hella fun descent to Culoz.

Pantano was too good for Majka in the sprint to the line making it his first Tour victory, and a victory for Colombia on the Grand Colombier.

Rafal Majka has won stages in all the Tours he’s participated in (okay, this is only his third). Better luck next time, you’ll still win a stage – it’s in the contract.