Stage 10 Mulhouse / La Planche des Belles Filles - Boom, Boom And Out Go The Lights

Well, what can we say, what a dramatic stage. We always knew this would be really tough on the final day of the Tour’s foray into the Vosges Mountains before a well earned rest day. The 161.5km rollercoaster route had no less than seven categorised climbs with four tough cat 1 climbs and gradients that ramped up to as much as 20% in places.

But we begin as usual in the kitchen and Gabs whipped up a Red Fruit Gratin with Pear Liqueur. First rider across the line gets to eat the cherry on top. Dairy is represented in the grilled custard-cream but what, no butter? After a reasonable start the Beurremetric Counter has plateaued on 500g. Clearly Gabs has some work to do before the Tour reaches Paris.

The talk of the day was Sinkoff -Taxo’s Alberto Contador’s (yes, got his name right this time) crash and exit from the Tour. What happened was not clear. Initially it was thought his bike split in two mid-flight. In another version of events the bike broke when it hit the deck leaving a 70m long skid mark. Then the story grew to a T-Rex stomping on the bike smashing it to smithereens. Or was the CIA involved? Did the shots come from the book depository or the grassy knoll?

No, not that T-Rex

Well, if the real explanation is a choice between a conspiracy or a stuff up it’s usually a stuff up and a mundane one at that. As it turns out he was eating an energy bar at the time and with one hand on the handle bar lost control hitting a pothole.

Tough on Bertie, but that’s bike racing. He broke his shin bone and even then rode on for another 20km before abandoning. Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for the Vuelta.

The other story of the day was Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Tony Martin and his amazing ride. He showed just why he’s called ‘Panzerwagen’ as he worked hard up front to the top of the second last climb before Paul Sherwen declared, ”Boom, boom and out go the lights”. Remarkable after his solo effort of the day before.

Rockin’ Rodriquez (Katusha Rockets) showed what he’s made of by going on the attack in the final 5km. Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) was clearly not happy to see yellow on someone else’s back so charged up the hill to catch Rodriquez with a little over 1km to go. And with that Nibs flew up that nasty little 20% ramp at the finish to take the stage, the yellow and the cherry on top.

Stage 8 Tomblaine / Gérardmer La Mauselaine - The Pain and the Rain Falls Mainly in Lorraine

The Tour has finally arrived for the mountains in the beautiful Vosges region.

Riding on the success of Nancy’s Chocolate Cake, Gabriel Gate continued with the baking theme and prepared a Plum Tart from ripe plums he, ahem, found hanging from over people’s fences in Tomblaine. This tart is very popular in the region but not as widely known as quiche Lorriane.

Perhaps Gabs was inspired by the giant piece of field art spotted in stage seven. At first we thought it was Pacman, then a quiche Lorraine, or was it a lemon tart? Whatever it was I like to call it the ‘field art tart’ or ‘fieldtart’ for short.

The riders sure appreciated that plum tart for once the 133km flat hit the Col de la Croix des Moinats and the peloton headed skyward they were going to need all the energy they could get. They faced  two category 2 and a category 3 mountain climbs and the final 1.8km kicked up at a nasty average gradient of 10.3%. The profile resembled a ski jump the riders would take on in reverse.

It appears Tour organisers have heeded the message of stage six and got hold of a black kite for release to keep Phil occupied. It turns out the bird hire shop was out of buzzards and all they had left were a black kite and some pigeons so the black kite had to do.

Lightning and thunder were forecast which had the riders cursing whoever came up with the phrase ‘cycling is the new golf’. And the heavens did open up causing flashbacks to some in the peloton to the misery of the Giro. The sun managed to peek through but so far the weather’s been worse here in France than rainy old England.

Contador contemplates his next move

In the end the last survivor of the early breakaway got to taste victory and an extra slice of the plum tart. Blel Kadri (AG2R-3CPO) notched up the first stage victory for France and it’s not even Bastille Day yet.

In the GC contest we were all thinking Rui Contador (Mampre-Taxo) would start nibbling into Vincenzo Nibali’s (Asstana) lead. By day’s end Contador only took three seconds. Nibali must be really loving that yellow and is going to put up one hell of a fight to keep it.

Before I go chapeau to Cheng Ji (Giant-Shimano) the first ever Chinese rider in the Tour de France. Known as ‘the breakaway killer’, Cheng has been turning himself inside out all week for Marcel Kitteh.

It’s curious that for a country that produces practically every bicycle on the planet it’s taken this long to produce a Tour rider. Then again, China is probably too busy making bikes than to be riding them.

Stage 5 Ypres / Arenberg Porte du Hainaut - Exit Froome, Lars Goes BOOM!

Day five commenced in Belgium for the start of stage five in the town of Ypres as the Tour marked the centenary of the beginning of World War I before crossing the border into northern France and finishing at Arenberg Porte du Hainaut.

Meanwhile locavore Gabriel Gate went out trapping rabbits and when he’d caught enough to feed the peloton, he returned to the kitchen to cook them up with that most famous of local ingredients Belgian beer to produce a hearty Flemish Rabbit Carbonnade. The recipe calls for half a tablespoon of butter taking the Beurremetric Counter to 375g.

The 155km route takes in the battlefields of World War I, but the real battle the riders faced was crap weather and nine sectors on lumpy, bumpy, muddy, slimy cobbles totalling 15.4km. The puddles were so deep the riders had to pack snorkels.

Taking on the cobbles

Two sectors of cobbles were removed before the race so if anyone sees cheap driveway paving materials up for sale tell them the locals are really pissed off and want their road back.

This version of Melburn-Roobaix, or ‘The Hell of the Northcote’, promised bone-jarring punishment to body and bike but many of the spills happened before the riders hit the rough stuff. Still,  there were plenty more spills on the cobbles with  Jurgen van den Broeck (Lotto-Belisol) somersaulting on his bike and a Moviestar knocking a spectator into a ditch.

The social media was ‘red hot’, according to Paul, with the news of Chris Froome (Sky) abandoning after his second crash of the day. Sad to see the defending champion exit this way. Now he knows how Brazil feels. Curiously, Froome kept his helmet on in the team car. Was he worried about it crashing too?

This stage suited the cobblestone specialists, but factor in riders with very little experience on the ‘pave’ and you have a recipe for chaos. In the words of Paul this was a race about courage and you need suitcases of the stuff to take on wet cobbles.

Troll DJ got into the spirit of the day with ‘Shakin’ All Over’ and cheekily snuck in ‘I See You Baby’. Asstana’s Vincenzo Nibali gave his ass a shake in his determination to hang on to brown, er, yellow, going out on his own without his teammates embracing the philosophy, ‘if you want something done, do it yourself’.

Rui Contador (Mampre-Taxo) looked threatening until he hit a hunger flat and was left ruing the decision not to have that second helping of rabbit stew. The man known as Spartacus, Fabian Cancellara was favourite to win the stage but the day went to Lars Boom (Belkin).

Stage 13 Tours / Saint-Amand-Montrond – Friday the 13th

Today’s stage started where yesterday’s ended, in the city of Tours. The flat 173km parcours to Saint-Amand-Montrond was meant to be a ‘stage of transition’ (another day in the office in other words) and at best a ‘sprinter’s delight’ on the closing few hundred metres. But some days turn out quite different to what you expected them to be.
 

For the superstitious, the day is Friday and the stage number 13. Would there be a lot of bad luck for the riders or would (despite Froome Dog in yellow) the horror show continue for team Sky? Earlier on the signs were ominous. It was windy, grippy and ‘stabby,’ according to Paul. What he meant by this is unclear. Was it shower scene from Psycho stabby or just plain old PMS stabby?

Whatever it was there was an evil lurking on the parcours in the shape of the wind, and you never want to be caught out by wind. These ‘ferocious crosswinds’ wreaked havoc wrenching the peloton apart and from then on it was drop, split, chase.

 

 

A split in the peloton

 

 

Movistar looked like being the stars of their own horror movie when at the creepily named ‘feedzone’ at the 84km mark Valverde punctured. Thankfully he wasn’t alone at the side of the road on a dark and stormy night (we all know how that ends) and soon he and his team mates were charging back to the peloton.

From there it was on with Belchin and Oooomega Farmers really pushing hard up front. Paul banished any thoughts in the minds of the riders they'd been Morris dancing all day by declaring “they'll know they've been in a bike race”.

And hats off to Alberto Contador and Taxo Sinkoff for their effort. At the 32km to go mark there was the moment the Taxo Sinkoff bunch had a bit of a look around, sensed an opportunity and then all five hammers came down like five furious cats set among the pigeons. Wonderful stuff.

Oooomega Farmer Quick-Stop’s Mark Cavendish won the stage adding it to the previous 24 Tour stage wins under his belt. Froome hung on to yellow but I’ve never seen someone look so unhappy on the podium accepting a stuffed lion. I suspect it’s the worry about his team and its ability to take him into the mountains for the final week of the tour that got to him.

Post race Gabriel Gate had some poached peacheswith a strawberry and sparkling Vouvray sauce waiting for the riders. Fruit now! This health kick is getting out of hand. No butter of course, so the Beurremetric counter is stuck at 286g.