Stage 21 Évry / Paris Champs-Élysées - All Over Red Rover

With the podiums done and dusted in stage 20 and after three hard weeks in the saddle, the Tour was finally on the home stretch from Évry to the most famous boulevard in the world the Champs-Élysées in Paris. 

Final day of the Tour and Gabriel Gate has reached the end of his recipe book. On this special day he prepared a special treat of Raspberry Millefeuilles. But alas, NO BUTTER. Sigh. This brings this year’s Beurremetric Counter competition to a close and weighs in on the podium at 1.12kg.

The peloton hit the road and the run up to Paris resembled a Sunday coffee ride. As is the tradition there was Champagne for the victor Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) and lots of photo opportunities for pouty selfies. It was also a chance for the riders to have a friendly chat among themselves about what they’ll be doing after the Tour like how long the grass must be after three weeks and the first job is to mow the lawn when they get home.

Phil and Paul idled away the time but we could sense a little bit of tension in the commentary box. Paul spotted what looked like 300,000 tonnes of pre-stressed concrete. All Phil had to say in response was “Say no more!”. Ouch! I don’t know how they’ve done this gig together for so many years. Even if they are the best of friends you’d think they’d still be ready to kill each other after three weeks in that tiny commentary box.

If the Ps are looking for a gig where they’re not in such close proximity they could always put their knowledge of fishing, vulture watching and modern building materials to good use and work as tour guides on a Scenic River Cruise boat. But as usual they’ll probably back in that God awful hell-hole of a commentary box next year.

The riders finally reached the Champs-Élysées which is normally a busy street but was closed off today for bike racing. The women graced the Champs-Élysées earlier in the inaugural La Course by Le Tour de France event won by Marianne Vos (Rabo-Liv).

Sylvain Chavanel (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) was the first to go on the attack. Trekie ‘The Jensie’ made his move and in his final Tour picked up the last of the available intermediate sprint points. This was no casual lap of honour for the oldest man in the universe. I bet he worked for it, probably muttering under his breath “shut up legs” all the way. What a legend and he’ll be sorely missed from the Tour when he retires at year’s end.

It wasn’t a race without drama. Jean-Christophe Peraud (AG2R C3PO) crashed and his second place on the podium looked in jeopardy but Nibs, the gentleman he always is slowed the pace to let Peraud get back into the race.

Then it was game on as each lap of the famous thoroughfare counted down. At lap six Phil declared three laps to go in an eight lap race. Phil, that calculator in the drawer does more than spell ‘shell’ if you turn it upside down. In a thrilling sprint finish Marcel Kitteh (Giant-Shimano) pipped Alexander Kristoff (Katusha) at the line. Another nice set of bookends for Kitteh who won the first and last stages of the Tour as he had done in 2013.

Sicilian jersey in honour of Vincenzo Nibali 'the Shark of Messina'

Nibali was crowned Tour champion and goes home with a full pride of podium lions in the Asstana team bus. He also completes the set of grand tours on his palmares. Debate will simmer about the outcome if Chris Froome and Alberto Contador hadn’t crashed out. It‘s a moot point really. Nibs simply rode superbly over the three weeks and I firmly believe he would have won it anyway.

For the record books the jersey winners are:

The Golden Fleece: Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana)

Green: Peter Sagan (Cannonball)

Polka dot: Rafal Majka (Sinkoff Taxo)

White: Thibaut Pinot (FDJ)

Team: AG2R C3PO

Super combative: Alessandro De Marchi (Cannonball)

In other news I’m trying to get my ‘Rollands’ song penned for stage 1 recorded. Lorde has yet to return my calls but Weird Al Yankovic has shown interest in doing a polka version.

Thank you as always to Gabriel Gate for the wonderful recipes, Matt Keenan, Paul Sherwen and Phil Liggett for your call of the race. If it wasn’t for you guys I wouldn’t have anything to write about except maybe a serious chronicle of an annual major sporting event.

Finally, thank you for your positive feedback and retweets of Le Wrap. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it much as I’ve had putting it together. This is Le Wrap’s second year and what a more fitting way than to finish on blog post number 42.

Stage 20 Bergerac / Périgueux - Time Is On My Side

Odd bikes, skin suits, helmets that look like they were designed by the late HR Giger, we’ve finally reached the penultimate stage of the Tour, the 54km individual time trial from Bergerac to Périgueux. No intermediate sprint or categorised climbs here, it’s just each rider flat out against the clock.

The penultimate stage deserves a special occasion dish and what better way than to celebrate than with Duck Fillet with Porcini Mushrooms and Green Peppercorn Sauce. No butter here but there’s cream and cognac which almost makes up for it.

Tour organisers on the other hand went all out on the dairy at the starting house. All the chocolate fountains were unavailable for the weekend due to a large number of weddings in the area so a milk fountain had to do. Weird, but effective. Sure beats a yellow bubbler.

At 54km this was quite a lengthy time trial on a route with some ups and downs. Some riders are real guns on time trials and others, well not so. Tony Martin (Mega Farmer-Quick Stop) is one of the very best. Earlier Keeno overheard Rockin’ Rodriguez (Katusha) plea with Martin to be gentle with him. Hmmm.

By the time we’d tuned in quite a few riders had already gone through. We were in time for the big guns and for riders battling for podium posies behind Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana). The Panzerwagen went in to the race the red hot favourite. Keeno noted that you know when Tony Martin reaches his threshold when a long line of saliva dribbles down his chin and on to his chest. The least he could do you'd think is to reach for a tissue.

Now THAT'S an aero helmet

Keeno dipped out to make way for the Ps and then the time trial by ordeal began. There were plenty of maths problems to solve with time checks and numerous calculations. It got so much smoke started coming out of the Ps computer. Probably time for SBS to update the 386 they’ve been using held together with duct tape sitting on a wonky milk crate.

Thibaut Pinot (FDJ) lined up at the starting gate to chants of “T Bone, T Bone, T Bone...” He put in a great ride but had to settle for third overall. Jean-Christophe Peraud (AG2R C3PO) despite puncturing but remaining calm moved up to second. A great achievement in the ‘renaissance of French cycling’. For the first time two Frenchman secured podium positions for Paris since Laurent Fignon and Bernard Hinault finished first and second in 1984. That’s a long time between drinks in anyone’s books.

It must be said punctures were a problem on perfectly good roads in perfect conditions. Let’s just step back a moment. These bikes are made of high tech cutting edge materials, some of them that were used on the space shuttle. Countless hours have been spent on high powered computers crunching the numbers to achieve maximum aerodynamic efficiency backed up by extensive wind tunnel testing. After all this you’d think they’d have the nous to fit a halfway durable tyre to the thing. What is it they do? Do they make the tyres out of gossamer thin condoms or something?

In a foregone conclusion Tony Martin took the stage. Makes you think that in future Tours the organisers should just cancel the time trial and give the stage to the Panzerwagen on a rest day.

Stage 18 Pau / Hautacam – I Want it All and I Want it Now

Today was the final mountain stage of the Tour from Pau to Hautacam. The two category 3 climbs followed by the two legendary ‘horse categorie’ climbs of Col du Tourmalet and Hautacam promised another gruelling day in the saddle.

Gabriel Gate was at it with the baking again and the riders questioned the raison d'être of a Prune and Raisin Tart on the Tour. Gabs pointed out the obvious health benefits of prunes and that they might be necessary after all the cheese in the onion soup dish of the day before. He warned them not to go overboard on the tart but reminded the riders there’d be plenty of camping cars on the route should anyone need to go. No butter in the recipe. The Beurremetric Counter needs a dose of butter, not prunes, to get it moving up from 870g.

The first 80km were relatively easy with two short category 3 climbs that favoured a breakaway. Then the slog began with the 17.1km climb to the top of the Col du Tourmalet. Phil thought the riders were on dragsters as they deployed parachutes for the descent before the 13.6km climb to Hautacam.

There’s been a disturbing lack of vache at this year’s Tour and today’s stage was no different. The eagle-eyed Les Vaches du Tour team did manage to spot things resembling what looked either like cows in the far distance or cows that are bred incredibly small in the Pyrenees. If they’re that tiny it’s no surprise they’re hidden from the ubiquitous vultures soaring on the thermals high above the valleys. A dancing cow was spotted in some impressive field art but turned out to be just a vulture in a cow suit.

A stuffed bear made it to the roadside to watch the race. Why was the bear stuffed you ask? What do you think it was doing in the woods all morning after stealing a stack of prune and raisin tarts?

Once again there were plenty of Basque flags and spectators in orange out on the roadside in memory of the Carrots. So many tears. And it’s official, figures released today show more boxes of kangaroos have been sold at this Tour than any other.

Lady Luck has been a bit quiet at this year’s Tour but she whispered in Paul’s ear and said she wanted a showdown. Chris Horner (Lampre-Merida), the second oldest man in the universe, overheard this but was he really serious? Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) was one hungry shark devouring every rider he came across. This was the 'queen stage' after all and in the spirit of Queen he wanted it all and wanted it now.

We will not let you go

The issue of bints wandering on to the road to take selfies came up again. One tried to get a photo with Nibali climbing the Hautacam but with a hip and shoulder from Nibs it was no selfie for you! Would have been good if the Queen were there instead of photobombing the Hockeyroos at the Commonwealth Games. Imagine that, the Queen photobombing Nibs on the Queen stage. How meta!

In the end Nibs prevailed to notch up his fourth stage win. What was he thinking as he crossed the line? Paul would say take off his sunglasses so you can look into his mind and you’ll find the answer there.

Alejandro Valverde (Moviestar) slipped to fourth in the GC and will have to time trial like a man possessed in two days time if he has any hope of being on a podium step in Paris. 

Chapeau to Thibaut Pinot (FDJ) moving up to second even though he’s 7’ 10” behind Nibali. He’s one of the leading lights in the ‘renaissance of French cycling’ and one to watch in the years to come.

Stage 15 Tallard / Nîmes - 24: Race Another Day

After two days of hard slog in the Alps the Tour transitioned on a flat 222km route from Tallard to Nimes. With no categorised climbs and only some intermediate sprint prize money to be had it was flat out all the way.

Gabriel Gate heard the complaints from the peloton about all the fruit and dessert they’d been served up lately. Things came to a head after the zucchini cheese flan disaster involving FDJ’s Arnaud Demare in the Alps the other day. What the peloton wanted was meat so Gabs got hold of some of the finest lamb in Provence and made a delicious Grilled Lamb Loin with Capsicum and Olives. Sam Kekovich of the eat lamb ads fame would be proud.

BUT, no butter. I’m not even bothering with updating the Beurremetric Counter anymore. We need to talk - WHAT IS GOING ON GABS? Don’t give me SBS budget cuts as an excuse, you can always pocket those single serve size butter portions from the hotel breakfast buffet.

Many riders felt relieved they are on a relatively easy stage until weather was factored in. Rain was forecast for the stage but no one was expecting an epic thunderstorm. It was time to put the hammers down and looking at those dark threatening skies Thor was ready to put the hammer down too. By Thor I mean the Viking god of thunder, not Thor Hushovd (BMC) who’s not racing in this year’s Tour but is considered a Viking god by his fans nonetheless.

There was not a lot of sightseeing on this stage. Sure, there was the obligatory shot of purple lavender fields and nothing says Provence like lavender fields and overpriced whitewashed kitchenware with ‘Provence’ stencilled on it.

A philosophical Jack Bauer about being pipped at the line.

Keeno on commentary duty while the Ps had their afternoon nap spotted some ‘orca coloured hills’. As far as I know orcas only come in two colours – black and white or white and black. Makes me wonder if Keeno was still suffering from the delirium of the rarefied air of the commentary van in the Alps or was it just a case of hanging around Phil and Paul for far too long?

During the stage Paul talked about Masham town council in Yorkshire ordering thousands of knitted Tour jerseys strung up as bunting be taken down on OH&S grounds because they might cause the street lamp posts to bend if they got wet. Don’t mind that all the riders have separating skin and severe gravel rash is a millimetre of breathable fabric and the fact councils did nothing to stop idiots wandering out on the roads taking selfies. This would have to be the most stupid act of officialdom since Sylvain Chavanel (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) was fined 100 CHF at last year’s Tour for ‘eating in a way that damages the image of cycling’.

On a transition stage a bit of boredom set in. Phil started talking about fishing again. Then there was the relentless hot air about cross winds and echelons. Dutch painter Van Gogh spent his final years near Nimes. The Ps blamed the mistral for driving him mad but if Van Gogh were alive today listening to this commentary you wouldn’t blame his descent into madness on the wind.

Cycling can be a cruel sport. Martin Elmiger  (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) and Jack Bauer (Sharmin-Garp) broke away early in the piece and with the finish line in sight Bauer got caught by the sprinters in the very last metres of the race with Alexander Kristoff (Katusha) first across the line to notch up another stage victory. There were tears from Jack Bauer, the man who can save the world in 24 hours but couldn’t save the race with 24 metres to go. Meanwhile Italian master Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) comfortably hangs on to yellow.

Stage 13 Saint-Étienne / Chamrousse - Porte Cracks, Nibs Attacks

The Tour has reached the Alps for two days of slog in the big mountains. The 197.5km route from Saint-Etienne to Chamrousse had a category 3 climb and category 1 climb with a final 18.2km long ‘hors categorie’ ascent to Chamrousse at 1730m.

Gabs knew the riders were going to need loads of fuel in the tank for a stage in the big mountains so he grabbed some zucchinis gratefully offloaded by locals up to their ears in the things and some Saint-Marcellin cheese and cooked up a big bunch of Zucchini and Cheese Flan. The butter in this recipe is used to grease gratin dishes used to bake the flan in so don’t be shy and go the whole hog on a block of butter. This takes the Beurremetric Counter up to 750g.

Back to the race the riders were facing awesome climbs in the heat. I see teams are slow off the mark on the helmet shower idea. According to Matthew Keenan, or Keeno for short, noted fire trucks were deployed ahead of the peloton in case the tarmac suddenly erupted into flames in the heat. 30 degree temperatures are pretty warm but these French roads can’t take a bit of heat? Seriously? On a 40+ degree day the road to my chateau is as good as gold.

On the slopes spectators were out in force. Phil seriously needs to brush up on popular culture. As the motocamera passed two spectators in superhero costume Phil asked, “Is that Star Trek?”. Paul corrected him with, “That’s Captain America”.

So far there hasn’t been a lot of discussion on the roadside random front (morph suits, whatever happened to those?) There has been a little more commercialisation this year with oversized bidons running up the road flogging fruit juice or whatever.

Oversized bidons are the least of the rider’s problems with Jakob Fuglsang (Asstana) coming a cropper on a carelessly discarded regular sized bidon on the road. He picked himself up, kit torn and bloodied, but pushed on insisting it was ‘just a superficial flesh wound’.

Just a superficial flesh wound

The talk of the day was Richie Porte (Sky). All eyes were on the Tasmanian to start nibbling into Vincenzo Nibali’s (Asstana) lead. But it all went wrong on the lower slopes of the final climb to Chamrousse. Whether it was a hunger flat, melting roads, lack of a shower helmet or as Paul calls it simply ‘a strange reaction’, Porte looked like he was rolling back down the hill. Instead of nibbling into the lead Porte found himself left holding a plate heaped with time. If he’s going to get back into the race he’s got a lot of eating to do.

Further up the road Alejandro Valverde (Moviestar) made a move but Nibs wasn’t having any of it launching a shark attack at 7km to go. Nibs triumphed on the stage and added some valuable time.

It’d be brave/foolhardy of me to declare Vincenzo Nibali Tour winner with still a week to go, but from here it’s looking like it’s his Tour to lose.

Stage 10 Mulhouse / La Planche des Belles Filles - Boom, Boom And Out Go The Lights

Well, what can we say, what a dramatic stage. We always knew this would be really tough on the final day of the Tour’s foray into the Vosges Mountains before a well earned rest day. The 161.5km rollercoaster route had no less than seven categorised climbs with four tough cat 1 climbs and gradients that ramped up to as much as 20% in places.

But we begin as usual in the kitchen and Gabs whipped up a Red Fruit Gratin with Pear Liqueur. First rider across the line gets to eat the cherry on top. Dairy is represented in the grilled custard-cream but what, no butter? After a reasonable start the Beurremetric Counter has plateaued on 500g. Clearly Gabs has some work to do before the Tour reaches Paris.

The talk of the day was Sinkoff -Taxo’s Alberto Contador’s (yes, got his name right this time) crash and exit from the Tour. What happened was not clear. Initially it was thought his bike split in two mid-flight. In another version of events the bike broke when it hit the deck leaving a 70m long skid mark. Then the story grew to a T-Rex stomping on the bike smashing it to smithereens. Or was the CIA involved? Did the shots come from the book depository or the grassy knoll?

No, not that T-Rex

Well, if the real explanation is a choice between a conspiracy or a stuff up it’s usually a stuff up and a mundane one at that. As it turns out he was eating an energy bar at the time and with one hand on the handle bar lost control hitting a pothole.

Tough on Bertie, but that’s bike racing. He broke his shin bone and even then rode on for another 20km before abandoning. Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for the Vuelta.

The other story of the day was Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Tony Martin and his amazing ride. He showed just why he’s called ‘Panzerwagen’ as he worked hard up front to the top of the second last climb before Paul Sherwen declared, ”Boom, boom and out go the lights”. Remarkable after his solo effort of the day before.

Rockin’ Rodriquez (Katusha Rockets) showed what he’s made of by going on the attack in the final 5km. Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) was clearly not happy to see yellow on someone else’s back so charged up the hill to catch Rodriquez with a little over 1km to go. And with that Nibs flew up that nasty little 20% ramp at the finish to take the stage, the yellow and the cherry on top.

Stage 9 Gérardmer / Mulhouse – Tony’s Theme

Day nine’s route from Gérardmer to Mulhouse is the second of three stages in the Vosges Mountains. The parcours was very hilly in 149km of this 170km stage promising a hard day in the saddle.

Situated in the Alsace region, the local cuisine leans heavily on German influences. It can get pretty cold in the Vosges, even in summer and Gabriel Gate had just the ticket with a giant cauldron of Ham Knuckle with Braised Green Cabbage. There’s no butter in this recipe so it can’t be French. The Beurremetric Counter sits on 500g. But as a German style dish it ticks all the boxes. It has pork (tick), potatoes (tick), cabbage (double tick).

However, this dish should come with a warning label. After all that cabbage it might be a good idea to avoid confined spaces for a while. And after years of having to share a tiny commentary van with Phil and Paul, Matt Keenan had the sense to install a high powered extractor fan. It’ll come in good use too when the Tour heads toward the south west, the home of cassoulet.

The day’s stage was uphill from the get-go and as expected there was an early breakaway with Thomas Voeckler’s (Oooooropcar) tongue out in front before being reeled in. Alessandro De Marchi (Cannonball) was on the march along with Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Tony Martin.

Now THAT'S a time trial bike

What a ride from Tony Martin - the cyclist, not the comedian that is. The man they call the Panzerwagen (armoured car) because he’s German and wears body armour under his kit and it’s a funny sounding nickname seemed to have  forgotten he was in a road race and drawing on his superhero time trialling abilities soloed the final 59km to the finish.

The quest for the golden fleece took a turn with Frenchman Tony Gallopin (Lotto-Belisol) galloping into yellow on the eve of Bastille Day. Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) might appear to be OK with this on the surface but underneath you just know he wants his yellow jersey back.

In the post race wrap up Mike Tomalaris noted that the last time a German stood on the podium as Germany faced Argentina in the World Cup final the Germans won. Armed with Tomo’s  insight punters rushed to the bookies sparking a heavy betting plunge on the Mannschaft. A few hours later Germany emerged victorious 1-0 over Argentina.

Pork and cabbage, a German wins the stage and Germany wins the World Cup. A good day for Germany, and people called Tony.

Stage 8 Tomblaine / Gérardmer La Mauselaine - The Pain and the Rain Falls Mainly in Lorraine

The Tour has finally arrived for the mountains in the beautiful Vosges region.

Riding on the success of Nancy’s Chocolate Cake, Gabriel Gate continued with the baking theme and prepared a Plum Tart from ripe plums he, ahem, found hanging from over people’s fences in Tomblaine. This tart is very popular in the region but not as widely known as quiche Lorriane.

Perhaps Gabs was inspired by the giant piece of field art spotted in stage seven. At first we thought it was Pacman, then a quiche Lorraine, or was it a lemon tart? Whatever it was I like to call it the ‘field art tart’ or ‘fieldtart’ for short.

The riders sure appreciated that plum tart for once the 133km flat hit the Col de la Croix des Moinats and the peloton headed skyward they were going to need all the energy they could get. They faced  two category 2 and a category 3 mountain climbs and the final 1.8km kicked up at a nasty average gradient of 10.3%. The profile resembled a ski jump the riders would take on in reverse.

It appears Tour organisers have heeded the message of stage six and got hold of a black kite for release to keep Phil occupied. It turns out the bird hire shop was out of buzzards and all they had left were a black kite and some pigeons so the black kite had to do.

Lightning and thunder were forecast which had the riders cursing whoever came up with the phrase ‘cycling is the new golf’. And the heavens did open up causing flashbacks to some in the peloton to the misery of the Giro. The sun managed to peek through but so far the weather’s been worse here in France than rainy old England.

Contador contemplates his next move

In the end the last survivor of the early breakaway got to taste victory and an extra slice of the plum tart. Blel Kadri (AG2R-3CPO) notched up the first stage victory for France and it’s not even Bastille Day yet.

In the GC contest we were all thinking Rui Contador (Mampre-Taxo) would start nibbling into Vincenzo Nibali’s (Asstana) lead. By day’s end Contador only took three seconds. Nibali must be really loving that yellow and is going to put up one hell of a fight to keep it.

Before I go chapeau to Cheng Ji (Giant-Shimano) the first ever Chinese rider in the Tour de France. Known as ‘the breakaway killer’, Cheng has been turning himself inside out all week for Marcel Kitteh.

It’s curious that for a country that produces practically every bicycle on the planet it’s taken this long to produce a Tour rider. Then again, China is probably too busy making bikes than to be riding them.

Stage 6 Arras / Reims - The Turn of the Screw

After yesterday’s epic battle on the cobbles, the Tour continued to pay tribute to the centenary of the beginning of World War I with a 194km stage from Arras through the Plains of the Somme and on to one of the champagne production centres of the region Reims. The terrain is pancake flat with just 2 category 4 climbs and an intermediate sprint at the 119km mark.

Since the race was heading to the Champagne region Gabriel Gate had something special planned, Chicken with Champagne and Mushroom Sauce. Not too many wild chickens in the north of France, so Gabs did what any one else would do and filled up a trolley down at the local supermarché. No butter in this recipe, the only dairy to speak of is a half cup of cream. However, what it lacks in dairy is more than made up for in booze with a little cognac and half a bottle of champagne for the dish and the rest for chef. The Beurremetric Counter sits on a tipsy 375g.

This route was designed with the sprinter in mind but not the Tour fan. Let’s be honest, this was a pretty boring stage on mostly flat fields with not a lot to see. Phil and Paul did manage to occupy themselves with some occasional  chateau and medieval ruin spotting but quickly got tired of it. And you know Paul is really bored when he starts talking about fishing. There were no bird spotting opportunities for Phil either. At times like this you wish Tour organisers would keep a buzzard on standby to release just to keep him occupied.

Boredom can be the enemy of the rider too leading to inattention. Conditions were moist but there were a lot of silly crashes on good straight roads resulting in more race abandons than on the cobbles the day before. Paul put it down to reactions to ‘strange noises’ causing riders to touch on the brakes and skid on the road. And the source of these strange noises? Well, Troll DJ gave us a clue with the theme to ‘Blazing Saddles’.

Speaking of wind, the cross winds over the fields caused some havoc in the peloton. And if cross winds weren’t enough, there were nine sectors of roundabouts to deal with on the run in to Reims.

Mega Farmer-Quick Stop ‘put the hammer down and turned up the screws’ in the final kilometres. ‘Hammers down’, ‘screws turned up’, classic  Sherwenisms. However, if these expressions are indicative of Paul’s handyman skills there’s no way I’m letting him do work around my chateau.

Marcel Kittel (Giant-Shimano) was highly fancied to win the stage and in the final sprint to the line punctured along with Trekie Danny Van Poppel, whose tyre, well, popped.  A repeat of stage 14’s ‘tackgate’ in 2012? No, it turns out the screws were turned up so high they fell out and ended up all over the road.

It was Andre Greipel’s (Lotto-Belisol) time to shine as he appeared out of nowhere to take the stage. Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) hangs on to yellow and Peter Sagan (Cannonball) looked bored on the podium accepting another green jersey. Will we see him pop a wheelie on the line in Nancy?

Stage 5 Ypres / Arenberg Porte du Hainaut - Exit Froome, Lars Goes BOOM!

Day five commenced in Belgium for the start of stage five in the town of Ypres as the Tour marked the centenary of the beginning of World War I before crossing the border into northern France and finishing at Arenberg Porte du Hainaut.

Meanwhile locavore Gabriel Gate went out trapping rabbits and when he’d caught enough to feed the peloton, he returned to the kitchen to cook them up with that most famous of local ingredients Belgian beer to produce a hearty Flemish Rabbit Carbonnade. The recipe calls for half a tablespoon of butter taking the Beurremetric Counter to 375g.

The 155km route takes in the battlefields of World War I, but the real battle the riders faced was crap weather and nine sectors on lumpy, bumpy, muddy, slimy cobbles totalling 15.4km. The puddles were so deep the riders had to pack snorkels.

Taking on the cobbles

Two sectors of cobbles were removed before the race so if anyone sees cheap driveway paving materials up for sale tell them the locals are really pissed off and want their road back.

This version of Melburn-Roobaix, or ‘The Hell of the Northcote’, promised bone-jarring punishment to body and bike but many of the spills happened before the riders hit the rough stuff. Still,  there were plenty more spills on the cobbles with  Jurgen van den Broeck (Lotto-Belisol) somersaulting on his bike and a Moviestar knocking a spectator into a ditch.

The social media was ‘red hot’, according to Paul, with the news of Chris Froome (Sky) abandoning after his second crash of the day. Sad to see the defending champion exit this way. Now he knows how Brazil feels. Curiously, Froome kept his helmet on in the team car. Was he worried about it crashing too?

This stage suited the cobblestone specialists, but factor in riders with very little experience on the ‘pave’ and you have a recipe for chaos. In the words of Paul this was a race about courage and you need suitcases of the stuff to take on wet cobbles.

Troll DJ got into the spirit of the day with ‘Shakin’ All Over’ and cheekily snuck in ‘I See You Baby’. Asstana’s Vincenzo Nibali gave his ass a shake in his determination to hang on to brown, er, yellow, going out on his own without his teammates embracing the philosophy, ‘if you want something done, do it yourself’.

Rui Contador (Mampre-Taxo) looked threatening until he hit a hunger flat and was left ruing the decision not to have that second helping of rabbit stew. The man known as Spartacus, Fabian Cancellara was favourite to win the stage but the day went to Lars Boom (Belkin).

Stage 3 Cambridge / Londres - London Calling

Day three and it’s the final stage on British soil before the Tour caravan crosses the English Channel for France. At 155km this ‘transitional stage’ is one of the shortest in this year’s Tour. The route was best described as pancake flat or at least considerably flatter than the so-called flat stage we saw in Yorkshire on Saturday. I always wonder about the phrase ‘pancake flat’. Obviously no one’s seen my attempts at making them.

In honour of the memory of the now defunct Euskaltel-Euskadi team, Gabriel Gate prepared a quintessential English dish of Steak and Kidney Casserole with Carrots. The absence of butter was a little disappointing and the Beurremetric Counter sits on 100g.

After a jaunt through the Essex countryside and with The Clash’s ‘London Calling’ blasting out over race radio, the peloton reached the edge of Greater London. By the time the riders hit the centre of London the race started to resemble more of a City Sightseeing bus stage than a transitional one.

Riders passed Olympic Park and Paul claimed to have met people who have actually swum in the pool of the Olympic Aquatic Centre. Well blow me down, we were all thinking it was only for show or frozen over for ‘Disney on Ice’ gigs on the school holidays.

The famous gherkin and City Hall ‘glass onion’ (or testicle, depending on your imagine) loomed into view before the peloton continued on past other landmarks such as the Tower Bridge and the Tower of London before a sprint on The Mall to the finish at Buckingham Palace.

Good thing the council put down that horse anti-slip coating for cavalry parades on The Mall because typical of London, it started to rain. So long as the riders could stay away from the ‘death-traps’ of white line markings and horse poo they knew that’d be safe.

Short of putting up dry stone wall barriers, not much could be done about  keeping spectators off the road. All it takes is one berk with a Brownie box camera to step out on the road and get clipped, which is exactly what happened at around 30km to go. David Lopez (Sky) sent the Brownie flying and several riders went down. Trekie Andy Schleck, some metres from the downed riders, insisted the spectator had nothing to do with his chute and that the bike inexplicably threw itself to the ground with him on it.

#selfie

  

Marcel Kittel (Giant-Shimano), Andre Greipel (Lotto-Belisol) and Peter Sagan (Cannonball) were all expected to duke it out on for line honours. Somewhere Greipel went missing in action and Kittel came thundering down The Mall like a Mack truck and was too good for Sagan by a bike length.

Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) gets to wear yellow for the Tour’s resumption on French soil.

Stage 2 York / Sheffield - Dambuster Spirit Gives Nibali a Bounce

Day two and the Tour continued through the beautiful Yorkshire countryside from York to Sheffield. The riders took on no less than nine climbs rated mostly as category 3 and 4. The design of the 201km stage has been likened to a re-imagining of ‘La Doyenne’, the one-day Spring classic Liege-Bastonge-Liege held in the Ardennes region of Belgium.

Simon Gerrans (Orica-GreenWEDGE) became the first Aussie to win Liege-Bastonge-Liege back in April. But as a re-imaging this story was to have a different ending. It was probably too much of an ask for Gerro to win given his heavy spill with Cav in the sprint the day before. Cav is consequently out of the Tour due to a dislocated collar bone.

Back in the kitchen Gabriel Gate was cooking up a Sunday treat for the riders. There are lots of mouths to feed on the Tour, and what better way to feed the multitudes than with a delicious Fisherman’s Pie. It’s very important to keep those energy levels up on a Grand Tour. Paul observed that a rider can burn up to 6,000 calories in a day on the road, the equivalent of three Yorkshire puddings.

The Fisherman’s Pie gets a big tick but not from the Heart Foundation for its inclusion of butter in the recipe, thus officially opening the account on the Beurremetric Counter at a respectful 100g.

Thankfully we were spared of Paul’s worrying obsession with dry stone walls in the commentary and attention turned to other structures on the landscape. The riders passed a number of large bodies of water resulting from dam building in the area over the years. During the Second World War the British were determined to knock down a few in the Ruhr Valley, Germany. The Derwent Dam became a training ground for the famous Derwent 617 ‘Dambuster’ Squadron. Chapeau to Troll DJ for giving us some of the theme.

Tally-ho!

Oh, and I have a theory about all the yellow, green and polka dot sheep we saw in stage 1. That dyed sheep story is just a ruse to cover up a secret revolutionary experiment to genetically modify sheep to produce a new generation of breathable fabrics for Tour jerseys. Imagine that, they’ll never fade!

The stage concluded in Sheffield, the home town of The Human League’s Phil Oakey. One wonders if some of the riders in the dash to the line found inspiration in that awesome low fly-over by a Lancaster bomber and Spitfire in back in York. 

In the spirit of Derwent 617 Squadron Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) went out and did some dambusting of his own bursting out of the peloton to win the stage and don yellow with a two second advantage over Peter Sagan (Cannonball).