Stage 20 Bergerac / Périgueux - Time Is On My Side

Odd bikes, skin suits, helmets that look like they were designed by the late HR Giger, we’ve finally reached the penultimate stage of the Tour, the 54km individual time trial from Bergerac to Périgueux. No intermediate sprint or categorised climbs here, it’s just each rider flat out against the clock.

The penultimate stage deserves a special occasion dish and what better way than to celebrate than with Duck Fillet with Porcini Mushrooms and Green Peppercorn Sauce. No butter here but there’s cream and cognac which almost makes up for it.

Tour organisers on the other hand went all out on the dairy at the starting house. All the chocolate fountains were unavailable for the weekend due to a large number of weddings in the area so a milk fountain had to do. Weird, but effective. Sure beats a yellow bubbler.

At 54km this was quite a lengthy time trial on a route with some ups and downs. Some riders are real guns on time trials and others, well not so. Tony Martin (Mega Farmer-Quick Stop) is one of the very best. Earlier Keeno overheard Rockin’ Rodriguez (Katusha) plea with Martin to be gentle with him. Hmmm.

By the time we’d tuned in quite a few riders had already gone through. We were in time for the big guns and for riders battling for podium posies behind Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana). The Panzerwagen went in to the race the red hot favourite. Keeno noted that you know when Tony Martin reaches his threshold when a long line of saliva dribbles down his chin and on to his chest. The least he could do you'd think is to reach for a tissue.

Now THAT'S an aero helmet

Keeno dipped out to make way for the Ps and then the time trial by ordeal began. There were plenty of maths problems to solve with time checks and numerous calculations. It got so much smoke started coming out of the Ps computer. Probably time for SBS to update the 386 they’ve been using held together with duct tape sitting on a wonky milk crate.

Thibaut Pinot (FDJ) lined up at the starting gate to chants of “T Bone, T Bone, T Bone...” He put in a great ride but had to settle for third overall. Jean-Christophe Peraud (AG2R C3PO) despite puncturing but remaining calm moved up to second. A great achievement in the ‘renaissance of French cycling’. For the first time two Frenchman secured podium positions for Paris since Laurent Fignon and Bernard Hinault finished first and second in 1984. That’s a long time between drinks in anyone’s books.

It must be said punctures were a problem on perfectly good roads in perfect conditions. Let’s just step back a moment. These bikes are made of high tech cutting edge materials, some of them that were used on the space shuttle. Countless hours have been spent on high powered computers crunching the numbers to achieve maximum aerodynamic efficiency backed up by extensive wind tunnel testing. After all this you’d think they’d have the nous to fit a halfway durable tyre to the thing. What is it they do? Do they make the tyres out of gossamer thin condoms or something?

In a foregone conclusion Tony Martin took the stage. Makes you think that in future Tours the organisers should just cancel the time trial and give the stage to the Panzerwagen on a rest day.

Stage 15 Tallard / Nîmes - 24: Race Another Day

After two days of hard slog in the Alps the Tour transitioned on a flat 222km route from Tallard to Nimes. With no categorised climbs and only some intermediate sprint prize money to be had it was flat out all the way.

Gabriel Gate heard the complaints from the peloton about all the fruit and dessert they’d been served up lately. Things came to a head after the zucchini cheese flan disaster involving FDJ’s Arnaud Demare in the Alps the other day. What the peloton wanted was meat so Gabs got hold of some of the finest lamb in Provence and made a delicious Grilled Lamb Loin with Capsicum and Olives. Sam Kekovich of the eat lamb ads fame would be proud.

BUT, no butter. I’m not even bothering with updating the Beurremetric Counter anymore. We need to talk - WHAT IS GOING ON GABS? Don’t give me SBS budget cuts as an excuse, you can always pocket those single serve size butter portions from the hotel breakfast buffet.

Many riders felt relieved they are on a relatively easy stage until weather was factored in. Rain was forecast for the stage but no one was expecting an epic thunderstorm. It was time to put the hammers down and looking at those dark threatening skies Thor was ready to put the hammer down too. By Thor I mean the Viking god of thunder, not Thor Hushovd (BMC) who’s not racing in this year’s Tour but is considered a Viking god by his fans nonetheless.

There was not a lot of sightseeing on this stage. Sure, there was the obligatory shot of purple lavender fields and nothing says Provence like lavender fields and overpriced whitewashed kitchenware with ‘Provence’ stencilled on it.

A philosophical Jack Bauer about being pipped at the line.

Keeno on commentary duty while the Ps had their afternoon nap spotted some ‘orca coloured hills’. As far as I know orcas only come in two colours – black and white or white and black. Makes me wonder if Keeno was still suffering from the delirium of the rarefied air of the commentary van in the Alps or was it just a case of hanging around Phil and Paul for far too long?

During the stage Paul talked about Masham town council in Yorkshire ordering thousands of knitted Tour jerseys strung up as bunting be taken down on OH&S grounds because they might cause the street lamp posts to bend if they got wet. Don’t mind that all the riders have separating skin and severe gravel rash is a millimetre of breathable fabric and the fact councils did nothing to stop idiots wandering out on the roads taking selfies. This would have to be the most stupid act of officialdom since Sylvain Chavanel (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) was fined 100 CHF at last year’s Tour for ‘eating in a way that damages the image of cycling’.

On a transition stage a bit of boredom set in. Phil started talking about fishing again. Then there was the relentless hot air about cross winds and echelons. Dutch painter Van Gogh spent his final years near Nimes. The Ps blamed the mistral for driving him mad but if Van Gogh were alive today listening to this commentary you wouldn’t blame his descent into madness on the wind.

Cycling can be a cruel sport. Martin Elmiger  (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) and Jack Bauer (Sharmin-Garp) broke away early in the piece and with the finish line in sight Bauer got caught by the sprinters in the very last metres of the race with Alexander Kristoff (Katusha) first across the line to notch up another stage victory. There were tears from Jack Bauer, the man who can save the world in 24 hours but couldn’t save the race with 24 metres to go. Meanwhile Italian master Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) comfortably hangs on to yellow.

Stage 13 Saint-Étienne / Chamrousse - Porte Cracks, Nibs Attacks

The Tour has reached the Alps for two days of slog in the big mountains. The 197.5km route from Saint-Etienne to Chamrousse had a category 3 climb and category 1 climb with a final 18.2km long ‘hors categorie’ ascent to Chamrousse at 1730m.

Gabs knew the riders were going to need loads of fuel in the tank for a stage in the big mountains so he grabbed some zucchinis gratefully offloaded by locals up to their ears in the things and some Saint-Marcellin cheese and cooked up a big bunch of Zucchini and Cheese Flan. The butter in this recipe is used to grease gratin dishes used to bake the flan in so don’t be shy and go the whole hog on a block of butter. This takes the Beurremetric Counter up to 750g.

Back to the race the riders were facing awesome climbs in the heat. I see teams are slow off the mark on the helmet shower idea. According to Matthew Keenan, or Keeno for short, noted fire trucks were deployed ahead of the peloton in case the tarmac suddenly erupted into flames in the heat. 30 degree temperatures are pretty warm but these French roads can’t take a bit of heat? Seriously? On a 40+ degree day the road to my chateau is as good as gold.

On the slopes spectators were out in force. Phil seriously needs to brush up on popular culture. As the motocamera passed two spectators in superhero costume Phil asked, “Is that Star Trek?”. Paul corrected him with, “That’s Captain America”.

So far there hasn’t been a lot of discussion on the roadside random front (morph suits, whatever happened to those?) There has been a little more commercialisation this year with oversized bidons running up the road flogging fruit juice or whatever.

Oversized bidons are the least of the rider’s problems with Jakob Fuglsang (Asstana) coming a cropper on a carelessly discarded regular sized bidon on the road. He picked himself up, kit torn and bloodied, but pushed on insisting it was ‘just a superficial flesh wound’.

Just a superficial flesh wound

The talk of the day was Richie Porte (Sky). All eyes were on the Tasmanian to start nibbling into Vincenzo Nibali’s (Asstana) lead. But it all went wrong on the lower slopes of the final climb to Chamrousse. Whether it was a hunger flat, melting roads, lack of a shower helmet or as Paul calls it simply ‘a strange reaction’, Porte looked like he was rolling back down the hill. Instead of nibbling into the lead Porte found himself left holding a plate heaped with time. If he’s going to get back into the race he’s got a lot of eating to do.

Further up the road Alejandro Valverde (Moviestar) made a move but Nibs wasn’t having any of it launching a shark attack at 7km to go. Nibs triumphed on the stage and added some valuable time.

It’d be brave/foolhardy of me to declare Vincenzo Nibali Tour winner with still a week to go, but from here it’s looking like it’s his Tour to lose.