Stage 21 Évry / Paris Champs-Élysées - All Over Red Rover

With the podiums done and dusted in stage 20 and after three hard weeks in the saddle, the Tour was finally on the home stretch from Évry to the most famous boulevard in the world the Champs-Élysées in Paris. 

Final day of the Tour and Gabriel Gate has reached the end of his recipe book. On this special day he prepared a special treat of Raspberry Millefeuilles. But alas, NO BUTTER. Sigh. This brings this year’s Beurremetric Counter competition to a close and weighs in on the podium at 1.12kg.

The peloton hit the road and the run up to Paris resembled a Sunday coffee ride. As is the tradition there was Champagne for the victor Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) and lots of photo opportunities for pouty selfies. It was also a chance for the riders to have a friendly chat among themselves about what they’ll be doing after the Tour like how long the grass must be after three weeks and the first job is to mow the lawn when they get home.

Phil and Paul idled away the time but we could sense a little bit of tension in the commentary box. Paul spotted what looked like 300,000 tonnes of pre-stressed concrete. All Phil had to say in response was “Say no more!”. Ouch! I don’t know how they’ve done this gig together for so many years. Even if they are the best of friends you’d think they’d still be ready to kill each other after three weeks in that tiny commentary box.

If the Ps are looking for a gig where they’re not in such close proximity they could always put their knowledge of fishing, vulture watching and modern building materials to good use and work as tour guides on a Scenic River Cruise boat. But as usual they’ll probably back in that God awful hell-hole of a commentary box next year.

The riders finally reached the Champs-Élysées which is normally a busy street but was closed off today for bike racing. The women graced the Champs-Élysées earlier in the inaugural La Course by Le Tour de France event won by Marianne Vos (Rabo-Liv).

Sylvain Chavanel (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) was the first to go on the attack. Trekie ‘The Jensie’ made his move and in his final Tour picked up the last of the available intermediate sprint points. This was no casual lap of honour for the oldest man in the universe. I bet he worked for it, probably muttering under his breath “shut up legs” all the way. What a legend and he’ll be sorely missed from the Tour when he retires at year’s end.

It wasn’t a race without drama. Jean-Christophe Peraud (AG2R C3PO) crashed and his second place on the podium looked in jeopardy but Nibs, the gentleman he always is slowed the pace to let Peraud get back into the race.

Then it was game on as each lap of the famous thoroughfare counted down. At lap six Phil declared three laps to go in an eight lap race. Phil, that calculator in the drawer does more than spell ‘shell’ if you turn it upside down. In a thrilling sprint finish Marcel Kitteh (Giant-Shimano) pipped Alexander Kristoff (Katusha) at the line. Another nice set of bookends for Kitteh who won the first and last stages of the Tour as he had done in 2013.

Sicilian jersey in honour of Vincenzo Nibali 'the Shark of Messina'

Nibali was crowned Tour champion and goes home with a full pride of podium lions in the Asstana team bus. He also completes the set of grand tours on his palmares. Debate will simmer about the outcome if Chris Froome and Alberto Contador hadn’t crashed out. It‘s a moot point really. Nibs simply rode superbly over the three weeks and I firmly believe he would have won it anyway.

For the record books the jersey winners are:

The Golden Fleece: Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana)

Green: Peter Sagan (Cannonball)

Polka dot: Rafal Majka (Sinkoff Taxo)

White: Thibaut Pinot (FDJ)

Team: AG2R C3PO

Super combative: Alessandro De Marchi (Cannonball)

In other news I’m trying to get my ‘Rollands’ song penned for stage 1 recorded. Lorde has yet to return my calls but Weird Al Yankovic has shown interest in doing a polka version.

Thank you as always to Gabriel Gate for the wonderful recipes, Matt Keenan, Paul Sherwen and Phil Liggett for your call of the race. If it wasn’t for you guys I wouldn’t have anything to write about except maybe a serious chronicle of an annual major sporting event.

Finally, thank you for your positive feedback and retweets of Le Wrap. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it much as I’ve had putting it together. This is Le Wrap’s second year and what a more fitting way than to finish on blog post number 42.

Stage 15 Tallard / Nîmes - 24: Race Another Day

After two days of hard slog in the Alps the Tour transitioned on a flat 222km route from Tallard to Nimes. With no categorised climbs and only some intermediate sprint prize money to be had it was flat out all the way.

Gabriel Gate heard the complaints from the peloton about all the fruit and dessert they’d been served up lately. Things came to a head after the zucchini cheese flan disaster involving FDJ’s Arnaud Demare in the Alps the other day. What the peloton wanted was meat so Gabs got hold of some of the finest lamb in Provence and made a delicious Grilled Lamb Loin with Capsicum and Olives. Sam Kekovich of the eat lamb ads fame would be proud.

BUT, no butter. I’m not even bothering with updating the Beurremetric Counter anymore. We need to talk - WHAT IS GOING ON GABS? Don’t give me SBS budget cuts as an excuse, you can always pocket those single serve size butter portions from the hotel breakfast buffet.

Many riders felt relieved they are on a relatively easy stage until weather was factored in. Rain was forecast for the stage but no one was expecting an epic thunderstorm. It was time to put the hammers down and looking at those dark threatening skies Thor was ready to put the hammer down too. By Thor I mean the Viking god of thunder, not Thor Hushovd (BMC) who’s not racing in this year’s Tour but is considered a Viking god by his fans nonetheless.

There was not a lot of sightseeing on this stage. Sure, there was the obligatory shot of purple lavender fields and nothing says Provence like lavender fields and overpriced whitewashed kitchenware with ‘Provence’ stencilled on it.

A philosophical Jack Bauer about being pipped at the line.

Keeno on commentary duty while the Ps had their afternoon nap spotted some ‘orca coloured hills’. As far as I know orcas only come in two colours – black and white or white and black. Makes me wonder if Keeno was still suffering from the delirium of the rarefied air of the commentary van in the Alps or was it just a case of hanging around Phil and Paul for far too long?

During the stage Paul talked about Masham town council in Yorkshire ordering thousands of knitted Tour jerseys strung up as bunting be taken down on OH&S grounds because they might cause the street lamp posts to bend if they got wet. Don’t mind that all the riders have separating skin and severe gravel rash is a millimetre of breathable fabric and the fact councils did nothing to stop idiots wandering out on the roads taking selfies. This would have to be the most stupid act of officialdom since Sylvain Chavanel (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) was fined 100 CHF at last year’s Tour for ‘eating in a way that damages the image of cycling’.

On a transition stage a bit of boredom set in. Phil started talking about fishing again. Then there was the relentless hot air about cross winds and echelons. Dutch painter Van Gogh spent his final years near Nimes. The Ps blamed the mistral for driving him mad but if Van Gogh were alive today listening to this commentary you wouldn’t blame his descent into madness on the wind.

Cycling can be a cruel sport. Martin Elmiger  (IAMYOUAREWEARE Cycling) and Jack Bauer (Sharmin-Garp) broke away early in the piece and with the finish line in sight Bauer got caught by the sprinters in the very last metres of the race with Alexander Kristoff (Katusha) first across the line to notch up another stage victory. There were tears from Jack Bauer, the man who can save the world in 24 hours but couldn’t save the race with 24 metres to go. Meanwhile Italian master Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) comfortably hangs on to yellow.

Stage 12 Bourg-en-Bresse / Saint-Étienne

The Tour has passed the halfway mark but there’s still a long way to go. The stage 12 parcours from Bourg-en-Bresse to Saint-Étienne is very similar to stage 11 but different. For starters it’s in a different place with roads that take in the vineyards of the oh so pretty Beaujolais region. 

In the Tour caravan kitchen Gabriel Gate has been really hitting up on the desserts this year. And why not celebrate summer fruits in season by drowning them in a delightfully fruity Beaujolais from the vineyards of the region? The cherries are plump and plentiful so Gabs put wine and cherries together to create Cherry and Beaujolais Syrup with Almonds. No butter. The Beurremetric Counter is firmly stuck on 500g. Don’t tell us you’re on a health kick again Gabs?

After a week of freezing cold rain the riders have been hit with a sudden burst of summer heat. As the temperature rises so does the need for water for drinking and cooling off.

Forget the hoohah of experimenting with on board bike cameras, I reckon the next thing teams will be toying with is a helmet shower system. All they’d need is one of those Tinkie bottle vests with some plastic tubing, a small battery powered pump and a shower-head mounted on the helmet et voila, automatic cooling system. No need for riders to fumble with bidons as they try to squirt fluids over themselves.

An early prototype helmet shower system

Vineyards, chateaux and pretty churches. This stage had all the elements of an all inclusive Scenic Cruise on a bike package. Whether David de La Cruz (NetApp-Endura) was distracted by the sightseeing on his first Tour or his front wheel slipped out on the taffy like surface of the melting roads, he came a cropper on a bend and went out with a broken collar bone. Ouch.

Clarke, Clarkie, Sims, Simo, knackers, whatever you call that bloke from Orica-GreenWEDGE was out in front with the likes of Gotye (Oooooropcar) until hunger-flatting at 5km to go. 

The run home wasn’t without drama. Andre Greipel (Lotto-Belisol) and Sylvain Chavanel (IAM, YOUARE, WEARE Cycling) crashed and the Gorilla and Chava had words. 

In the final bunched sprint to the line Peter Sagan (Cannonball) was bridesmaid again pipped by Alexander Kristoff (Katusha). 

It would be amiss not to mention the terrible news of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 shot down over eastern Ukraine. Tweets reporting a crash of a Malaysian airliner in eastern Ukraine started to appear as the Tour stage was nearing its conclusion.

My initial reaction was to suspect a cruel hoax or a sick joke. Sadly the news turned out to be true and the cause of the crash, apparently from a surface to air missile, makes it even more horrifying.

These events are beyond words and sympathies go out to friends and families of the victims.

Stage 4 Le Touquet-Paris-Plage / Lille Métropole - The Ministry for Pulling Faces

The Tour bid farewell to a magnificent three days in Britain and the challenge now was how to cross the English Channel to the race back home on French soil.

Last year’s transfer from Corsica to the French mainland saw the riders commandeer every available flying dinghy. No such luck for the riders this time. Swimming the channel covered in pig fat in freezing cold water with a bike strapped to one’s back wasn’t exactly appealing. Fortunately there’s a rail tunnel under the Channel. It was a bumpy ride over 50km of railway sleepers but many riders saw it as good training for the cobbles of stage five.

After three days in Britain the riders were well and truly sick of a diet of Yorkshire pudding, deep fried Mars Bars and flat beer. Gabriel Gate had just the thing waiting as the peloton emerged from the Chunnel - Scallop Mousse with Prawn Sauce. This delicate dish contains no butter in the actual recipe but is saved by the four buttered soufflé moulds. Now you’d want to do this properly, so I’d go for a whole 250g block. This takes the Beurremetric Counter to a healthy 350g.

But it must be remembered the riders are here for a bike race and the day’s 163.5km stage took the riders from the coastal resort town of Le Touquet-Paris-Plage, a popular playground with water sports enthusiasts, to Lille Metropole.

Trekie Andy Schleck was forced to abandon the Tour due that tumble in London the day before involving a spectator trying to take a picture. Some 2.5m spectators came out to watch the Tour’s three days in the UK. Fantastic for Tour organisers but was that too many for the riders? Well, you can’t legislate against the stupidity of spectators but then again we wouldn’t want to see dry stone wall barriers for every future Tour event held in the British Isles – the endless dry stone wall blather from Phil and Paul would just be too much!

Chris Froome (Sky) managed to chute in the first couple of kilometers but Frenchman Thomas Voeckler (Oooooropecar) broke free from the peloton ‘pumping and blowing’, according to Phil. He had a one and half minute lead at one stage until he was caught on the outskirts of Lille. ‘The Ministry for Pulling Faces’ is renowned for his solo breakaways in France, not for national pride but for TV exposure for the team sponsors.

Voeckler smiles for the cameras

Again, this was another day for the sprinters. Alexander Kristoff (Katusha Rocket) gave it a shake but Marcel Kittel (Giant-Shimano) proved too good again making it stage victory number three.

Everyone’s attention has turned to stage five on the cobbles. Cobbles are like a horizontal dry stone walls when you think about it. Phil and Paul are going to be insufferable.