Stage 19 Maubourguet Pays du Val d'Adour / Bergerac - Everything is Awesome

With the gruelling Pyrenees out of the way the peloton had a 208.5km ride on flat roads in beautiful south west France between Maubourguet Pays du Val d'Adour and Bergerac.

Now the Tour is nearing the end Gabriel Gate wanted to do something special for the riders and make good use of the local dry white wine Bergerac is famous for so he prepared Quail with Grapes and Chestnuts. 100ml of the wine went into the dish, the remainder into chef. The recipe calls for two big tablespoons of butter pushing the Beurremetric Counter through the 1kg barrier to weigh in at a thumping 1.12kg.

The peloton passed safely through the town of Condom but this race was by no means a dead rubber. Tour fans had waited patiently for nearly three weeks and Troll DJ finally delivered with the Les Vaches du Tour anthem ‘Cows with Guns’. The Twitterverse exploded in jubilation. AT LAST, COWS WITH GUNS!!! The Jaws theme montage of Asstana’s Vincenzo Nibali (his nickname is ‘The Shark’, get it?) was pretty good too. All we need to cap off the Tour is ‘Hocus Pocus’ by Focus.

Awesome

Beards have been quite the fashion this season and we’ve seen everything from the flavour saver to full on bushranger. Paul added that to grow a full set beard in the navy you’ve got to get permission from the captain. Well, that’s handy to know if you’re planning on joining the navy any time soon but utterly useless in the context of a bike race.

Apart from the Cows with Guns vaches montage our bovine friends were pretty thin on the ground when all of a sudden a real elephant appeared at the side of the road. I wonder if technically it passes as a vache? They are referred to as bulls and cows you know. Phil thought it might be a good time for a trunk call. Paul was worried about the elephant being poached. Not to worry Paul, we couldn’t find a saucepan big enough and besides I prefer my elephants fried. Phil and Paul thought the elephant was there because the circus was in town. Clearly it was not from the one in the commentary box.

Paul recalled how Andrew Talansky (Sharmin-Garp) nearly withdrew on the road earlier in the Tour. Talansky had stopped in front of the SAG wagon and the Directeur Sportif had to nurse him through the race to complete the stage. I don’t know about you but whenever I hear Paul talk of a directeur sportif nursing a rider through a stage I get a disturbing image of man boobs...

A scandal bigger then doping erupted during the stage. The Les Vaches du Tour team was excited by initial reports that came crackling in over race radio of vaches by the Chateau de Monbazillac. Eagle-eyed bovine spotters armed with high powered binoculars had their suspicions. FAKE VACHES! I just knew it! Those vaches by the chateau looked too perky and pert to be real.

Back to the race and it just wasn’t Marcel Kitteh’s (Giant-Shimano) day. First he had a puncture which Phil declared happened at best time. Phil, there’s NEVER a BEST time for a puncture, especially when you’ve left your repair kit at home and it’s a really long walk. Then Kitteh came down in a crash with Peter Sagan (Cannonball) and we believe with a gorilla that rides for Lotto-Belisol and goes by the name of Andre Griepel.

In the end Ramunas Navardauskas (Sharmin-Garp) prevailed. Earlier Troll DJ played the Lego Movie earworm ‘Everything is Awesome’ and everything turned out awesome for Navardauskas who notched up Lithuania’s first ever Tour stage victory.

Stage 18 Pau / Hautacam – I Want it All and I Want it Now

Today was the final mountain stage of the Tour from Pau to Hautacam. The two category 3 climbs followed by the two legendary ‘horse categorie’ climbs of Col du Tourmalet and Hautacam promised another gruelling day in the saddle.

Gabriel Gate was at it with the baking again and the riders questioned the raison d'être of a Prune and Raisin Tart on the Tour. Gabs pointed out the obvious health benefits of prunes and that they might be necessary after all the cheese in the onion soup dish of the day before. He warned them not to go overboard on the tart but reminded the riders there’d be plenty of camping cars on the route should anyone need to go. No butter in the recipe. The Beurremetric Counter needs a dose of butter, not prunes, to get it moving up from 870g.

The first 80km were relatively easy with two short category 3 climbs that favoured a breakaway. Then the slog began with the 17.1km climb to the top of the Col du Tourmalet. Phil thought the riders were on dragsters as they deployed parachutes for the descent before the 13.6km climb to Hautacam.

There’s been a disturbing lack of vache at this year’s Tour and today’s stage was no different. The eagle-eyed Les Vaches du Tour team did manage to spot things resembling what looked either like cows in the far distance or cows that are bred incredibly small in the Pyrenees. If they’re that tiny it’s no surprise they’re hidden from the ubiquitous vultures soaring on the thermals high above the valleys. A dancing cow was spotted in some impressive field art but turned out to be just a vulture in a cow suit.

A stuffed bear made it to the roadside to watch the race. Why was the bear stuffed you ask? What do you think it was doing in the woods all morning after stealing a stack of prune and raisin tarts?

Once again there were plenty of Basque flags and spectators in orange out on the roadside in memory of the Carrots. So many tears. And it’s official, figures released today show more boxes of kangaroos have been sold at this Tour than any other.

Lady Luck has been a bit quiet at this year’s Tour but she whispered in Paul’s ear and said she wanted a showdown. Chris Horner (Lampre-Merida), the second oldest man in the universe, overheard this but was he really serious? Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) was one hungry shark devouring every rider he came across. This was the 'queen stage' after all and in the spirit of Queen he wanted it all and wanted it now.

We will not let you go

The issue of bints wandering on to the road to take selfies came up again. One tried to get a photo with Nibali climbing the Hautacam but with a hip and shoulder from Nibs it was no selfie for you! Would have been good if the Queen were there instead of photobombing the Hockeyroos at the Commonwealth Games. Imagine that, the Queen photobombing Nibs on the Queen stage. How meta!

In the end Nibs prevailed to notch up his fourth stage win. What was he thinking as he crossed the line? Paul would say take off his sunglasses so you can look into his mind and you’ll find the answer there.

Alejandro Valverde (Moviestar) slipped to fourth in the GC and will have to time trial like a man possessed in two days time if he has any hope of being on a podium step in Paris. 

Chapeau to Thibaut Pinot (FDJ) moving up to second even though he’s 7’ 10” behind Nibali. He’s one of the leading lights in the ‘renaissance of French cycling’ and one to watch in the years to come.

Stage 7 Épernay / Nancy – Movin’ Right Along

Day seven and the 234.5km transitional stage from Epernay to Nancy (the second longest of the Tour) wraps up nearly a week of racing before the Tour heads off into the Vosges Mountains.

Gabriel Gate thought the riders deserved a mid-afternoon treat. He thought a rich cake would help them with their energy levels too and baked Nancy’s Chocolate Cake. Don’t bother Gab’s Tante Nancy for the recipe. She doesn’t have it and might curse in French and beat you with her ear trumpet. The cake is a speciality of the town of Nancy, hence the name ‘Nancy’s Chocolate Cake’. And besides, Tante Nancy is not a real person. Drum roll, the recipe has 125g of butter giving the Beurremetric Counter a boost to 500g.

If you squint and try not to think you’re in France, this stage has been likened to a shorter version of the one-day classic Milano–San Remo. The terrain is mostly flat with two short steep climbs with a mad descent in the 5.5km to the line.

These transitional stages are usually a bit ho-hum leading to Troll DJ to bring out the transition stage standard ‘Movin’ Right Along’ by the Muppets. Speaking of Muppets, the Ps managed to behave themselves after former apprentice Matt Keenan gave them a stern talking to. Paul might have mentioned fishing once but I think he got away with it.

Movin' right along

Just as Tour fans were yawning and looking at their watches the first sunflowers popped into view. That’s one of the highlights to see the peloton riding past cheery yellow fields of tournesol. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better it does with some curious cows that galloped up to the roadside. Les Vaches du Tour fans erupted in joy. Yours truly ran outside into the cold night, air humped and shouted, “TAKE THAT YORKSHIRE AND YOUR STOOPID YELLOW SHEEP!”...Ahem.

There were a few more inexplicable crashes out on the parcours. The roads were straight and dry and not a cobble in site. There were no ‘strange noises’ detected either. The only explanation I can come up with is a curse. Not a curse from Tante Nancy kind of curse but one of supernatural origins. If this continues they’re have to re-name the event ‘Le Tour de Chute’.

The cycling action got going with Thomas Voeckler (Oooooropcar) coming out pumping and blowing but was quickly reeled in. Peter Sagan and his Cannonball team worked hard all day setting the pace. Sagz could taste victory and a pilsner waiting at the end. In the sprint to the line Andrew Talansky (Sharmin-Garp) went down. Sagz thought he had it in the bag but the photo revealed he’d been pipped at the line by Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Matteo Trentin.

The race finished in time for beer o’clock and the riders relaxed over some Friday arvo frothies. Not the pretend French stuff but the real deal smuggled in from over the German border.