Stage 16 Carcassonne / Bagnères-de-Luchon - Hold On To Your Dreams

After the final rest day in Carcassonne the Tour was off to the Pyrenees for three tough mountain stages. The 237.5km route from Carcassonne to Bagnères-de-Luchon is the longest of the Tour.

The rest day in Carcassonne saw the riders let their hair down. There was lots of medieval fun to be had at France’s version of Kryal Castle. The riders swapped bicycles for heavily armoured horses for a spot of jousting. The Orica-GreenWEDGE team bus even got into a joust with a stop sign with the sign coming off second. This lead to a run on the bookies to put on omen bets for Orica-GreenWEDGE’s Michael Albasini to win the stage.

Later a  sumptuous dinner was held in the great hall of Carcassonne where riders feasted on pheasant and a haunch of venison washed down with tankards of ale before a rave party that went until dawn.

Gabriel Gate baked some Apricot and Almond Friands which would be handy in the musette bags on such a long stage. Gabs must be reading this blog and hearing my pleas has finally cooked something with butter in it. The 90g in the friands brings the Beurremetric Counter to 840g. With only a few days remaining can Gabs get it up to 1kg?

With fresh legs coming off the rest day there was a chance of a breakaway succeeding. The route got progressively hillier and after a long day in the saddle the final climb to the top of the 11.7km long ‘horse categorie’ 1,755m high Porte de Balès would have The Jensie calling for silence from the peloton. Fortunately there was a long fast descent to Bagnères-de-Luchon to placate the screaming legs.

Phil enjoyed some twitching as vultures circled high above the valleys of the Pyrenees on thermals generated by the hot air rising from the commentary box. Phil saw the vultures descend on road kill. On closer inspection the road kill  turned out to be the Sky team’s plan book discarded by the roadside.

Pyrenean vultures pick over the carcass of Sky's Tour hopes

Paul noted the valleys of the region are an ’excellent place for hay’. When he’s not admiring the dry stone walls of Yorkshire you’ll find him leading tours of hay enthusiasts to the Pyrenees to sample the region’s delights. Meanwhile Phil was excited by a banner in a small village for a ‘snail party’. Well, at least it was a change from fishing.

The Pyrenees triggered nostalgia for the now disbanded Carrots. Who would have thought there was still so much love for a team that spent more time on the road than on the road on a bike? Yet there have been many reports of the mere mention of their name having teary fans reaching for a box of kangaroos.

I’m curious about these ‘glass cranks’ the Ps talked about. It appears they cause riders to ease off pedalling up hills for fear of breaking them. That’s a bit silly having them fitted for a mountainous stage. Then again riders carry sand bags, hammers, elastic bands and an assortment of screws - and I’ll never get elliptical chainrings.

It was looking like a good day for Ooooropcar with Cereal Gotye doing his best to support Thomas Voeckler with his best Voeckler tongue impressions. A good day until Michael Rogers (Sinkoff-Taxo) got the jump on Voeckler for the butt-clenching, vom-inducing mad descent to Bagnères-de-Luchon.

What a ride for Rogers. The Aussie achieved his dream of a stage victory at the Tour to add to the two he picked up at the Giro. Paul says a race can be won uphill or can be won downhill. Rogers had a much simpler philosophy, “I was going to crash or I was going to win”.

Oh yeah, Voeckler’s tongue finished second.

Stage 9 Gérardmer / Mulhouse – Tony’s Theme

Day nine’s route from Gérardmer to Mulhouse is the second of three stages in the Vosges Mountains. The parcours was very hilly in 149km of this 170km stage promising a hard day in the saddle.

Situated in the Alsace region, the local cuisine leans heavily on German influences. It can get pretty cold in the Vosges, even in summer and Gabriel Gate had just the ticket with a giant cauldron of Ham Knuckle with Braised Green Cabbage. There’s no butter in this recipe so it can’t be French. The Beurremetric Counter sits on 500g. But as a German style dish it ticks all the boxes. It has pork (tick), potatoes (tick), cabbage (double tick).

However, this dish should come with a warning label. After all that cabbage it might be a good idea to avoid confined spaces for a while. And after years of having to share a tiny commentary van with Phil and Paul, Matt Keenan had the sense to install a high powered extractor fan. It’ll come in good use too when the Tour heads toward the south west, the home of cassoulet.

The day’s stage was uphill from the get-go and as expected there was an early breakaway with Thomas Voeckler’s (Oooooropcar) tongue out in front before being reeled in. Alessandro De Marchi (Cannonball) was on the march along with Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Tony Martin.

Now THAT'S a time trial bike

What a ride from Tony Martin - the cyclist, not the comedian that is. The man they call the Panzerwagen (armoured car) because he’s German and wears body armour under his kit and it’s a funny sounding nickname seemed to have  forgotten he was in a road race and drawing on his superhero time trialling abilities soloed the final 59km to the finish.

The quest for the golden fleece took a turn with Frenchman Tony Gallopin (Lotto-Belisol) galloping into yellow on the eve of Bastille Day. Vincenzo Nibali (Asstana) might appear to be OK with this on the surface but underneath you just know he wants his yellow jersey back.

In the post race wrap up Mike Tomalaris noted that the last time a German stood on the podium as Germany faced Argentina in the World Cup final the Germans won. Armed with Tomo’s  insight punters rushed to the bookies sparking a heavy betting plunge on the Mannschaft. A few hours later Germany emerged victorious 1-0 over Argentina.

Pork and cabbage, a German wins the stage and Germany wins the World Cup. A good day for Germany, and people called Tony.

Stage 7 Épernay / Nancy – Movin’ Right Along

Day seven and the 234.5km transitional stage from Epernay to Nancy (the second longest of the Tour) wraps up nearly a week of racing before the Tour heads off into the Vosges Mountains.

Gabriel Gate thought the riders deserved a mid-afternoon treat. He thought a rich cake would help them with their energy levels too and baked Nancy’s Chocolate Cake. Don’t bother Gab’s Tante Nancy for the recipe. She doesn’t have it and might curse in French and beat you with her ear trumpet. The cake is a speciality of the town of Nancy, hence the name ‘Nancy’s Chocolate Cake’. And besides, Tante Nancy is not a real person. Drum roll, the recipe has 125g of butter giving the Beurremetric Counter a boost to 500g.

If you squint and try not to think you’re in France, this stage has been likened to a shorter version of the one-day classic Milano–San Remo. The terrain is mostly flat with two short steep climbs with a mad descent in the 5.5km to the line.

These transitional stages are usually a bit ho-hum leading to Troll DJ to bring out the transition stage standard ‘Movin’ Right Along’ by the Muppets. Speaking of Muppets, the Ps managed to behave themselves after former apprentice Matt Keenan gave them a stern talking to. Paul might have mentioned fishing once but I think he got away with it.

Movin' right along

Just as Tour fans were yawning and looking at their watches the first sunflowers popped into view. That’s one of the highlights to see the peloton riding past cheery yellow fields of tournesol. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better it does with some curious cows that galloped up to the roadside. Les Vaches du Tour fans erupted in joy. Yours truly ran outside into the cold night, air humped and shouted, “TAKE THAT YORKSHIRE AND YOUR STOOPID YELLOW SHEEP!”...Ahem.

There were a few more inexplicable crashes out on the parcours. The roads were straight and dry and not a cobble in site. There were no ‘strange noises’ detected either. The only explanation I can come up with is a curse. Not a curse from Tante Nancy kind of curse but one of supernatural origins. If this continues they’re have to re-name the event ‘Le Tour de Chute’.

The cycling action got going with Thomas Voeckler (Oooooropcar) coming out pumping and blowing but was quickly reeled in. Peter Sagan and his Cannonball team worked hard all day setting the pace. Sagz could taste victory and a pilsner waiting at the end. In the sprint to the line Andrew Talansky (Sharmin-Garp) went down. Sagz thought he had it in the bag but the photo revealed he’d been pipped at the line by Mega Farmer-Quick Stop’s Matteo Trentin.

The race finished in time for beer o’clock and the riders relaxed over some Friday arvo frothies. Not the pretend French stuff but the real deal smuggled in from over the German border.

Stage 8 Castres / Ax 3 Domaines – Shut up tongues

Can you believe we’re already a third of the way into Le Tour and have reached the Pyrenees? This can only mean one thing - all eyes have turned to mountain men Froome Dog, Schleck, Contador and Evans for two stages of gruelling climbs.

The stage takes the riders through the highest point of Le Tour on the Col de Pailhères. With fresh memories of the blizzard conditions of the Giro d’Italia, the peloton nervously checked the forecast after realising they hadn’t packed the winter woollies. Conditions were pleasant, but the way the Ps talked about the ascents you’d be forgiven for thinking the peloton was about to conquer Everest.

The parcours winds its way through some breathtaking scenery of mountains, valleys and more gorgeous gorges with the Gorge of St Georges the most gorgeous of them all. Needless to say this wasn’t going to be good cow spotting territory.

In true sporting cliché parlance it's the climbs that separate the men from the boys. Africa was in yellow but it took a  young South American to really put a cat among the pigeons.

Things appeared to be going well for Thomas Voeckler (Team Ooooropcar and interpretative tongue dancing specialist) going on the attack at the 39km to go mark until the mighty Nairo Quintana (Movistar) caught his wheel. The Columbian was on the march having defied a ‘death curse’ all his life, according to Paul. Voeckler saw his chances flag. Pretty soon Quintana had left Voeckler in his wake. The Frenchman  had nothing left except to say “shut up tongue”.

We hadn’t seen Voeckler more upset than the time his tongue turned up as himself at a Thomas Voeckler’s tongue lookalike contest only to be judged runner up to the tongue that did those beer commercials a few years ago.

 

 

Voeckler contemplates what went wrong

Quintana continued his heroic effort but Sky had a long march in mind when it sent out Richie Porte on the final ascent to reel in Quintana and to launch the Froome Dog to the finish. Apart from Froome all the big names failed to fire leaving questions at the backs of our minds about what went wrong. Last year Froome played second fiddle to Sir Braddles. This time the Froome Dog was well and truly let off the leash to take the stage at Ax 3 Domaines and lead the GC.

Today it was Tomo and SBS cycling computer Anthony Tan’s turn for the post-race dissection. We fear the Tan Man may have experienced a software glitch. Facts, figures mixed in with a heavy dose of cliché made Tomo wince more than once over a number of excruciating minutes. Tanny, sometimes you’ve just have to take a leaf from Voeckler’s book and know when to say shut the tongue up.

And it seems Gabriel Gate has been listening to the pleas of the Tour caravan. Today’s dinner was a lovely roast duck leg dish Cuisse deCanard Rôtie aux Pruneaux. The Beurremetric Counter account has officially opened on 1 tablespoon of butter.