Stage 9 Nantua / Chambéry - Life's a Biche

Stage 9 and the riders set out on what many regarded as the ‘Queen stage’ of the Tour and the first big hit out for the GC contenders on a huge mountain stage in the Savoie region of the Alps.

Gabs sampled the Savoie fare of the region and he made a bee line for the famous Chartreuse liquor and ginger beer for a Chartreuse mule or two.

Early in the race Robert Gesink and Manuele Mori abandoned after crashing and Mori looked to be in some distress lying on the road clutching his right shoulder. No one wants to see that but sometimes cycling can be a brutal sport.

40 km into the race the riders passed a giant creepy looking hay bale giant and the couch peloton tried to erase the memory before bedtime. Probably a good idea that the young kiddies were already tucked up in bed.

Boundary rider Ant McCrossan interrupted Orica-Scott Directeur Sportif Matt White who had been barking out instructions to the team to get in the solid foods early. What, is Matt feeding babies? I can’t wait to see him nurse a rider back into the race.

A large pack of riders arrived at the first hors categorie climb Col de la Biche and the profile suggested it would be a biche of a climb with an average gradient of 9% over 10.5 km.

Primoz Roglic was first to the top before Bugalugs, Axel Domont and Alexis Vuillermoz on a course that suspiciously looked tailor made for the French AG2R La Mondiale squad. They launched a descent that saw Geraint Thomas crash out of the Tour with a broken collar bone. At least G got to spend a few glorious days in yellow and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Way down the road and the Gruppetto was having another hard day in which a number of riders including Aussie Mark Renshaw and Stage 4 winner Arnaud Demare failed to stay within the cut off time.

With a number of crashes and a thunderstorm for the descent into Chambéry this was shaping up to be a dramatic stage. But it wasn’t all gloom and doom.

Robbie recounted the time he passed The Jensie being wrapped in bandages after a nasty crash at 80km per hour. The bike was cactus and he was given a Mavic neutral service bike. Robbie was later passed by what looked like The Mummy on a bike seven sizes too small speaking with a German accent. I think Robbie’s Jens Voigt impersonation needs a little more work though with a little less channeling of Yoda.

Thomas Voeckler took time out for a cheerio to the couch peloton and the tongue said hi too!

Fashun watch.: Did I see a sleeveless Cofidis rider collecting a bidon from the team car? Maybe he was off to audition for a remake of ‘Rumblefish’. And green rimmed clear glasses to match the Kermit green Cannondale Drapac kit?

Items of jewelry didn't escape the eyes of Matt and Robbie. Robbie noted the piece on a chain dangling from the neck of Richie Porte and noted, "the little map of Tassie goes everywhere with Porte".

It looked like more than a full week of commentating was taking a toll on the duo and the rest day couldn't come soon enough. Mattie normally doesn't miss a beat, but  'constemplating' had the couch peloton a little perplexed.

Warren Barguil was the first over the top of the second hors categorie Grand Colombier and back down the valley to be confronted by the imposing Mont du Chat (cat mountain).

The imposing Mont du Chat.

On the monster climb of the hors catogorie Mont du Chat  riders were dropping like flies. Michal Kwiatkowski Kwiatstopski and Bauke Mollema went up in a mushroom cloud.

In the yellow group the hand of Chris Froome shot up indicating a mechanical but Fabio Aru attacked, a real no-no in cycling etiquette. Oh dear, this was going to be really awkward for the Sardinian at the dinner table that evening. If Aru hadn't got the message yet he certainly did from a little dig from Froome and at that moment he was probably looking for a rock to crawl under.

The big question on the mind of Mattie of all the riders was, "how much left in the tank? E for empty or E for enough?" Alberto Contador looked like his tank was on an empty. Robbie thought Bertie's goose was cooked, well it certainly wasn't steak.

'Narrow' Quintana's chances for a Paris podium finish looked slimmer as he started falling back from the yellow group.

If reaching the summit wasn't difficult enough there was a long, tricky take-no-prisoners descent down Mont du Chat to Chambéry.

Richie Porte ran off the road in a horrible crash flew across the road collecting Dan Martin. In an instant Porte's Tour was over and the couch peloton was left speechless. A broken hip and collarbone is bad enough but it could have been so much worse.

At the bottom of the descent the twelve year old Romain Bardet got himself out front and the chase was on with the yellow group of Froome, Jakob Fuglsang, Aru and Rigoberto Uran.

Uran had a problem with his derailleur and with the help of a French McGyver from Mavic neutral service was able to go on only in fixie mode since the shifter was stuffed.

Bardet was caught a little over 2km to go from his AG2R home base in and in a sprint to the finish Uran pipped Barguil on the line.

A great win for the Colombian but there was more drama than one can take in one hit.

The rest day never looked so good.

Stage 7 Troyes / Nuits-Saint-Georges - Kittel by a Bee's Pixel

Stage 7 and on another hot one the riders set out from Troyes for a long day in the saddle to Nuits-Saint-Georges.

Out of the kitchen (because that’s where he always seems to be these days) Gabs was trying out the famous Dijon mustard and the pinot noir and chardonnay of the Burgundy region. He’s out of Champagne and into Burgundy. Hmm, this is beginning to sound like a three week bender.

On the road and Maxime Bouet, Manuele Mori, Yohann Gène and Dylan van Baarle made what looked like a doomed breakaway with Lars Bak at the front of the peloton leading the chase.

Why Lars Bak at the front? Because, in his words he’s, “so beautiful” and modest too. Gotta hand it to him, Lars Bak has got more front than Myer.

The kilometres rolled on and this was shaping up to be the dullest stage so far. Sure there were some vaches to look at, the odd clock field art but it took a couple of classic Citroen 2CVs racing alongside the peloton on a field to raise even the mildest of interest in the couch peloton.

Good thing there wasn’t a ditch in the way of the Citroens – if they’d hit at speed they’d break the ditch.

Robbie had checked the weather forecast and it’d only been for mild winds across the open fields. His ‘Inspector Gadget’ head said otherwise and started to worry that the caravan of commentary might blow away.

The winds were starting to play havoc in the peloton but the riders managed to huddle together. It was a struggle up front and Robbie noted one rider was, "doing a job but his work is cut out". Um Robbie, let me correct you, it’s ‘job of work’? Mattie noted an, “enormous amount of work”. Sorry Mattie, have to pull you up on that one, respect please for the ‘job of work’.

It’s getting increasingly harder for the sprint teams to get up front which according to Mattie is,"like getting a booking at a Michelin starred restaurant". Looks like SBS is paying too much to Mattie.

Pretty soon Mattie was getting bored and started commentating on a soccer match with a, “deep into the second half but it's still nil-all'.

Sometimes I think the design of the parcours is more to test the resolve of the couch peloton than the riders themselves.

Pixelated Kitteh.

And just as the couch peloton started drifting off, it was startled from its micro-sleep by the Troll DJ standard ‘Moving Right Along’ from The Muppets. Ah The Muppets, remember Phil and Paul? Neither do I, just kidding!

As the sprint teams got themselves organised the wind appeared to swing to the rear and calm down allaying fears of another errant umbrella incident.

At 15km to go the riders passed some startled hay bales, the peloton was gaining rapidly on the breakies with the four carrying on attacking like fighting fish until the inevitable catch at 6km to go.

Charging into Nuits-Saint-Georges, the lead out men delivered the sprinters to the line and PHOTO! 

Mattie and Robbie called it Kitteh by a whisker but on the photo it looked like a dead heat between the German and the Wonderful Boasson Hagen.

Robbie’s Inspector Gadget head observed Kittels tyre was in front by a ‘bee’s pixel’, but it was up to the judges to decide if it was Kittel by a bee's pixel or Boasson Hagen by a Higgs Boson particle.

After some time the verdict was in, and Kittel claimed his third stage victory and the green jersey.

A dull stage capped off by a thrilling victory – there’s something new every day at the Tour.

I’ll leave you with a poem:

Lars Bak

More front than Myer

The couch peloton

Began to tire

Kittel by a bee's pixel?

Or Boasson Hagen

By a Higgs Boson particle?