Stage 9 Nantua / Chambéry - Life's a Biche

Stage 9 and the riders set out on what many regarded as the ‘Queen stage’ of the Tour and the first big hit out for the GC contenders on a huge mountain stage in the Savoie region of the Alps.

Gabs sampled the Savoie fare of the region and he made a bee line for the famous Chartreuse liquor and ginger beer for a Chartreuse mule or two.

Early in the race Robert Gesink and Manuele Mori abandoned after crashing and Mori looked to be in some distress lying on the road clutching his right shoulder. No one wants to see that but sometimes cycling can be a brutal sport.

40 km into the race the riders passed a giant creepy looking hay bale giant and the couch peloton tried to erase the memory before bedtime. Probably a good idea that the young kiddies were already tucked up in bed.

Boundary rider Ant McCrossan interrupted Orica-Scott Directeur Sportif Matt White who had been barking out instructions to the team to get in the solid foods early. What, is Matt feeding babies? I can’t wait to see him nurse a rider back into the race.

A large pack of riders arrived at the first hors categorie climb Col de la Biche and the profile suggested it would be a biche of a climb with an average gradient of 9% over 10.5 km.

Primoz Roglic was first to the top before Bugalugs, Axel Domont and Alexis Vuillermoz on a course that suspiciously looked tailor made for the French AG2R La Mondiale squad. They launched a descent that saw Geraint Thomas crash out of the Tour with a broken collar bone. At least G got to spend a few glorious days in yellow and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Way down the road and the Gruppetto was having another hard day in which a number of riders including Aussie Mark Renshaw and Stage 4 winner Arnaud Demare failed to stay within the cut off time.

With a number of crashes and a thunderstorm for the descent into Chambéry this was shaping up to be a dramatic stage. But it wasn’t all gloom and doom.

Robbie recounted the time he passed The Jensie being wrapped in bandages after a nasty crash at 80km per hour. The bike was cactus and he was given a Mavic neutral service bike. Robbie was later passed by what looked like The Mummy on a bike seven sizes too small speaking with a German accent. I think Robbie’s Jens Voigt impersonation needs a little more work though with a little less channeling of Yoda.

Thomas Voeckler took time out for a cheerio to the couch peloton and the tongue said hi too!

Fashun watch.: Did I see a sleeveless Cofidis rider collecting a bidon from the team car? Maybe he was off to audition for a remake of ‘Rumblefish’. And green rimmed clear glasses to match the Kermit green Cannondale Drapac kit?

Items of jewelry didn't escape the eyes of Matt and Robbie. Robbie noted the piece on a chain dangling from the neck of Richie Porte and noted, "the little map of Tassie goes everywhere with Porte".

It looked like more than a full week of commentating was taking a toll on the duo and the rest day couldn't come soon enough. Mattie normally doesn't miss a beat, but  'constemplating' had the couch peloton a little perplexed.

Warren Barguil was the first over the top of the second hors categorie Grand Colombier and back down the valley to be confronted by the imposing Mont du Chat (cat mountain).

The imposing Mont du Chat.

On the monster climb of the hors catogorie Mont du Chat  riders were dropping like flies. Michal Kwiatkowski Kwiatstopski and Bauke Mollema went up in a mushroom cloud.

In the yellow group the hand of Chris Froome shot up indicating a mechanical but Fabio Aru attacked, a real no-no in cycling etiquette. Oh dear, this was going to be really awkward for the Sardinian at the dinner table that evening. If Aru hadn't got the message yet he certainly did from a little dig from Froome and at that moment he was probably looking for a rock to crawl under.

The big question on the mind of Mattie of all the riders was, "how much left in the tank? E for empty or E for enough?" Alberto Contador looked like his tank was on an empty. Robbie thought Bertie's goose was cooked, well it certainly wasn't steak.

'Narrow' Quintana's chances for a Paris podium finish looked slimmer as he started falling back from the yellow group.

If reaching the summit wasn't difficult enough there was a long, tricky take-no-prisoners descent down Mont du Chat to Chambéry.

Richie Porte ran off the road in a horrible crash flew across the road collecting Dan Martin. In an instant Porte's Tour was over and the couch peloton was left speechless. A broken hip and collarbone is bad enough but it could have been so much worse.

At the bottom of the descent the twelve year old Romain Bardet got himself out front and the chase was on with the yellow group of Froome, Jakob Fuglsang, Aru and Rigoberto Uran.

Uran had a problem with his derailleur and with the help of a French McGyver from Mavic neutral service was able to go on only in fixie mode since the shifter was stuffed.

Bardet was caught a little over 2km to go from his AG2R home base in and in a sprint to the finish Uran pipped Barguil on the line.

A great win for the Colombian but there was more drama than one can take in one hit.

The rest day never looked so good.

Stage 9 Vielha Val d'Aran / Andorre Arcalis - Tiny Andorra, Oh How I Adore Ya

Stage 9 and the riders (minus Michael Morkov, who became the first abandonment of the Tour the day before) set out from Vielha Val d'Aran for the 184.5 km ride to tiny Andorra on the French and Spanish border.

Phil had been out early in the morning indulging in one of his favourite pastimes, fishing. There are many streams in this part of the world perfect for trout fishing. Phil came back with a sizable catch. That’s dinner sorted so Gabs started gutting and cleaning them and had baking the trout in herbs and bacon in mind.

But *sigh*, no butter. Look top marks for the bacon, everyone loves bacon (except vegans, don’t worry, they’ll soon tell you) but remember what you said about the year of the butter???

Out on the road the temperature was rapidly rising and the Moviestars where on the go from the get go, particularly on the descents.

Robbie came across a herd of cows on one of the descents on his morning  recon ride. He hoped they’d been cleared from the road. Don’t worry Robbie, I’m sure Nairo Quintana's ‘fixer’ was there to fix the cow problem even without the help of Christopher Pyne.

Looking at the roads from the Tour chopper there were many twists and turns. One hill looked like it was draped with a piece of squid ink spaghetti... oh sorry, I forgot we're not at the Giro.

As the mercury soared into the 30s, the road surface started to turn into soft, soggy tar. Soft soggy tar? Don’t you mean arsephalt Robbie?

And Robbie’s advice on dealing with a stage like today? Eat. Drink. Stay calm - and eat a banana.

The caravan of commentary had sunk so far into the soggy arsephalt Robbie had to put up the periscope to see what was going on. So, the caravan of commentary isn’t a caravan at all but a noisy Collins Class submarine.

Mattie and Robbie analysed Froome’s winning move off the Col de Peyresourde the previous day. No one knew Froome had the intestinal fortitude to pull off such a daring descent. Yes, he was shitting kittens but later confessed to having the time of his life.

Again, the topic of food and drink came up. Mattie explained Gabs’ philosophy of,“feed them until they’re full and then feed them some more”. Sounds like a ding-dong battle with online trolls.

The peloton was up and down all day long and if you think it’s hilly here, wait until they reach Andorra. Mattie reckoned that the only way to ride on the flat in Andorra is indoors on a KICKR.

Robbie and Mattie spotted some white water rafters. You can’t raft uphill to Andorra, well not unless without the assistance of a fish ladder perhaps.

The heat was really starting to get to the riders and they were looking at any way they could to keep cool. Good old ice stockings were handed out from team cars. Now the WAGS know where their stockings disappear to at the end of the European season.

Robbie saw Peter Sagan tip an ice bucket over his head. Robbie said he’d be cooler without the man bun. On that we can all agree.

Alberto Contador, who was still nursing his injuries from stage 1 and 2, had woken up with a fever. This didn’t stop him from launching a counter attack alongside Alejandro Valverde but it was clear he looked to be in trouble. We knew it was serious when the Pyrenean vultures started circling on the thermals above Contador.

Finally, Contador abandoned, along with Gabs’ commitment to the year of the butter.

The peloton struggled on in the heat to try to make it to ‘Old Andorra’ by sundown. Old Andorra sounds like one of those theme parks where they have actors in period costumes do knife fights and stuff. In all honesty, I have no idea what they get up to in Andorra but isn’t it famous for rabbits and as a tax haven?

Andorra's number one export, Angolan rabbits

Many pro-riders claim they live in Andorra because it’s a ‘climbers’ paradise’. Yeah right, like bankers in the Cayman Islands because they’re a bankers’ paradise.

As the riders approached the border of Andorra Robbie spotted Italian cyclist Fabio Aru with the distinctive tape on his face, which is there to stop his nose falling off.

The riders had their passports out as they sped through the border control into Andorra. Robbie said, “they don’t check passports at the borders in EU countries, unless they think you’re dodgy”. He must have learnt that from experience.

The Ps made their catch at 49 km to go and came across the Caldea Thermal Spa, which looked eerily similar to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Needless to say the thermal cameras used to detect hidden motors in bicycles went berserk.

Riders started to crack in the heat and claimed, along with Alberto Contador, Mark Renshaw and Matthieu Ladagnous. What the riders needed to keep cool was a series of mist emitting gantries over the road, just like you find in alfresco dining areas.

Paul had to bring out the T-bone Pinot motor circuit training story. Then he dropped an ‘Etixx – Quick Stop’ to top it off with 'Richie Froome'. Some things never change.

Spectator weren't exactly a big help. A roadside random in a green morph suit couldn't see where he was going and narrowly escaped a collision, No such luck for the spectator who stepped out onto the road on a blind corner to be collected by Kiwi George Bennett. The spectator hit the deck and didn't get up.

The climbers with, according to Paul, ‘thick pedigrees’ got themselves up front with 19 km to go. At 10 km to go the group was slapped in the face by Tom Dumoulin who rode away solo.

On the final approach to the finish at Arcalis, rain or spray from alfresco dining areas was spotted on the road. No, it was rain and pretty soon the heavens opened up and according to Paul it was, ‘raining jelly beans’ that he enjoys throughout the year.

The riders had prayed for more ice earlier in the day and the cycling Godz over delivered. Thank goodness the hail was jelly bean and not golf ball sized.

A wet and soggy Tom Dumoulin raised his arms at the line to win his first stage at the Tour de France. He was disappointed with his effort in the individual time trial at the start of last year’s Tour in his home country the Netherlands but the solo win in Andorra more than atoned for it.

Stage 7 Livarot / Fougères - Yawn Fest Breaks Cavendish Drought

Stage 7 and the Tour departed Normandy for beautiful Brittany on a flat 190.5 km route from Livarot to Fougères.

Back in the kitchen Gabs prepared a lovely stew – veal blanquette with vegetables. The recipe doubles up on the dairy with 10g of butter and half a cup of crème fraîche. The arteries just hardened and the buerremetric counter goes up to 110g. Nice one.

The riders headed off on another beautiful day in Normandy, sadly without Panzerwagen Tony Martin who’s resting up in hospital after doctors put his collarbone back together.

The stage was, well, a bit ho-hum to be honest. Sensing this Troll DJ pulled out the classic Movin’ Right along. The Les Vaches du Tour team officially declared this was the first time we’d heard the Muppets this Tour but in my opinion we’d been listening to them since the Grand Depart in Utrecht...

Speaking of Phil and Paul 'undulating' was the word of the day and may become the word of the Tour as we approach the end of the first week; undulating roads, undulating values in biological passports, undulating coke level tests.

Back to the race Phil kept seeing people flying the flag for ‘Britannia’ and we were not sure if he meant Brittany – today’s Tour destination – or if he really meant for all the British riders today.

Paul couldn’t help himself with a ‘fooding station’ lecture for the we-don’t-know-how-many-eth time. We know, riders zig-zag around looking for their musette bags and happy meals.

As the day wore on Phil and Paul caught a glimpse of the famous Le Mont Saint Michel monastery which led them to recall their trip when the Tour arrived there back in 2013. The Ps decided to pay the monks a visit but found they were locked out because the monks were on strike. At least that’s what they were told...

Moutons leave Le Mont Saint Michel due to a strike by the monks...or so they're told

Just what is it monks would go on strike for anyway? Certainly not for a pay rise, they’re supposed to live in poverty and humility. As for strike action do they boycott vespers, or break the vow of silence?

Back to the race the early breakkies, including Daniel Teklehaimanot in the polka dot jersey who hoovered up some more KOM points along the way, were eventually reeled in by the peloton.

As the pace started picking up on the approach to Fougères a large amount of smoke was seen billowing from the side of the road. It was someone burning chops. Andre Greipel, ‘The Griller’ as Paul calls him, stopped to give some barbecuing tips but got back on his bike when he realised there was a race to finish.

Perhaps Phil was right about the flag being flown for Britannia. In a sprint royale with cheese to the finish Mark Cavendish, this time with a perfectly timed lead out from pilot-fish Mark Renshaw, finally bagged a win ending a two year Tour stage win drought for the Manx Missile.

It’s been a long week with plenty of thrills and spills. Not surprisingly we saw a few early abandonments from some pretty tough die hard Tour fans during the stage, but I'm sure it's smart tactics to get ready for another weekend of cycling action.

Stage 2 Utrecht / Zélande – I do like to be by the zee-side

With the ITT out of the way stage 2 saw the peloton take to the road on another pancake flat course and you couldn’t get a stage profile flatter than this. In fact it was so flat that sometimes even the raised bits were flat. At just 6m at its ‘highest’ point the riders needed to bring their best climbing legs.

The riders set out from a sunny Utrecht to the heart of the Zeeland delta. An easy day in the saddle? HA! There was a lot of Dutch road furniture to negotiate, particularly on the outskirts of Rotterdam, home to one of the world’s busiest ports.

Race organisers did their best to tame the road furniture, and when it comes to traffic management the Netherlands is basically the Franco Cozzo of road furniture – in other words completely over the top.

Normally this road furniture serves the purpose of helping to keep cyclists nice and safe separated from cars. Great for commuters in a country where the bicycle is a main mode of transport but crap for racing when you’re trying to funnel a large peloton moving at high speed safely through a city.

It’s not just curbing and roundabouts to worry about. Road markings can become slippery when wet and Paul mentioned that ‘white lines are very precarious.’ Just ask the Gold Coast Suns, they know all about that.

Factor in the coastal crosswinds and nerves in the peloton and you’ve got a recipe for carnage. Did I mention the chance of the heavens opening up on the race?

Back in the Tour kitchen Gabs cooked up a storm with the mussels he collected from around the barrages protecting the low lying Zeeland polder from being swallowed up by the North Sea. The mussels with beer sabayon gratin were a hit with the riders washed down with Dutch beer after a hard day in the saddle.

The recipe contained 50g of butter. Gabs is off to a flying start this year pushing the Buerremetric counter to 90g.

Some magical kites in the sky

Out on the road sunshine turned to storm clouds and pretty soon the dreaded cross winds sprung up causing splits in the peloton. Along with the wind came the rain, and lots of it, making it hard to see.

As I watched the race, I was starting to think the beer was making the TV screen blurry but quickly realised it was only the rain. It soon dawned on me it was probably a good time to move the TV inside…

Crashes in the wet conditions were inevitable. Aussie workhorse Adam Hansen - who’s completed more Grand Tours than he’s had hot dinners - was ouching from a chute but got back on the bike.

Good thing there are mobile medics out on course. Paul spotted a rider having a ‘free consultation with the doctor. ‘ I dunno Paul, looked suspiciously like a free tow from a team car to me.

After crashes punctures became a bit of a problem.  Flat tyres in quick succession had us wondering if the douche that’s been laying tacks on Yarra Boulevard has gone abroad.

As we know the Netherlands is famous for its windmills which were used extensively for pumping and grinding. But with so many windmills I’m wondering if Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is planning a holiday there anytime soon since he declared wind farms to be ‘visually awful.’
 
Holland would have to be the holiday from hell for Tones. As the race neared the coast those ‘visually awful’ wind turbines loomed into view. Oh no, I hope Tony didn’t see that on the telly, he’ll be calling for heads to roll at SBS.

Despite the wind Phil spotted a windmill that wasn’t moving. He thought it was still because the engine had been turned off. There we go, just when we thought we were starting to get over the hidden motor conspiracy.

As the race drew to a close Phil caught sight of ‘the magical red kite in the sky’ causing us to question what meds he is on.

Andre Greipel, Mark Cavendish, Fabian Cancellara, Tony Martin and Peter Sagan battled for the line. Cavendish’s lead out catapult Mark Renshaw went just a little too early but Greipel’s  lead out timed it to perfection delivering  the stage and a green jersey for the Gorilla.

Rohan Dennis who'd dominated the ITT the day before surrendered the golden fleece to Fabian Cancellara whose surprising  finish in third and with time bonuses pushed him into first place in the GC.