Stage 13 Saint-Girons / Foix - Christmas in July

Stage 13 and it was going to be the shortest stage in the saddle barring the individual time trials for the 101 km from Girons to Foix in the Pyrenees.

Tour organisers had been listening to calls from fans and commentators for shorter stages with full gas racing, so they’ve taken a leaf out of the cricket book and went with a Twenty20 style experiment, you know, with fireworks, music, dancing, colourful costumes and...oh hang on, cycling already has that.

The riders were lead out of Saint-Girons by the big red car. Jakob Fuglsang’s left arm was bandaged up and he was riding hands off the handlebars which wasn’t got a good sign since you can’t really climb without hands on the bars.

The flag dropped, Frenchmen Warren Barguil and Thomas Voeckler were off like scolded cats in a "go until you blow" effort according to Robbie.

The attacks started coming and Barguil and Voeckler were hauled back after 10 km of racing.

Sylvain Chavanel, Philippe Gilbert and Alessandro De Marchi got out front and Chavanel collected the maximum intermediate sprint points.

Arthur Vichot hoisted up the white flag abandoning the Tour. After a great first week in which Arnaud Demare took stage 4 and led in the points competition, FDJ was reduced to a shadow of itself with just four riders remaining.

The Tour choppers were back in the air after the unscheduled chopper rest day and brought us magnificent breathtaking pictures of the Pyrenees. The choppers were also on Pyrenenean vulture watch in case they started circling any stragglers in the Gruppetto. Two vultures were spotted soaring high above the valleys and Phil and Paul must have been going berserk out the back of the NBC catering truck.

De Marchi was first over the top of the Col de Latrape. Back down the road Barguil attacked in the yellow jersey group and, Mikel Landa and Alberto Contador followed.

Landa looked to be riding for Landa again and some of that old Bertie El Pistolero spirit was back to try and get a stage win.

Speaking of Bertie what was with his bottle cage with the chop-top bidon? A packet of biscuits? For some reason Robbie suggested it was tin foil. Perhaps it was just a blanket he could throw over the riders up front.

So much was going on in the race and Mattie declared that, "not even Nostradamus would dare to predict a winner". Well yeah, there’s that and the fact that he’s dead.

Twenty20 cycling comes to Paris

On the second climb of the day Landa and Bertie dropped De Marchi with Nairo Quintana in pursuit. Mikel went Rogue Landa when it became apparent he wasn’t working for Froome anymore and got a sniff of yellow.

SBS commentator Henk Vogels turned up for official Tour duties and Tweeted, “Love the short stages , real bike racing none of this controlled BS , love a filth stage’. FILTH STAGE!!! HENK IS BACK!!!

The winner of the Criterium du Dauphine Jakob Fuglsang abandoned the Tour after trying to ride up mountains with no hands became too much for him. This meant team leader Fabio Aru was on his own now to try and fend of Landa’s tilt at the golden fleece.

The final climb was the brutally steep goat track Mur de Péguère or ‘Wall of Péguère’ which must have felt like a wall of purgatory to the Gruppetto. Quintana and Barguil reached Bertie and Landa albeit at snail’s pace. The track narrowed so far that even the neutral service motos had trouble getting through. Any mechanical problems and neutral service drones would need to be deployed to drop in spares.

Barguil reached the top of the Mur de Péguère, then passed the Fidler on the Camping Car Roof.

Back down the road and Froome dog looked to be in a whole lot of trouble, or maybe he was foxing? ‘Boring’ Curious George Bennett was anything but boring and Aru stuck like glue to Froome.

‘Voldemort’ (no not that Voldemort, Lance) Rigoberto Uran was stirring up the yellow group and somehow remained, “almost unseen in the brightest kit".

The yellow group crested the Mur de Péguère and it was on for young and old with constant attacks on the descent and all the way to Foix.

Barguil crossed the line and got the win every French man, women and child desires on Bastille Day.

In the battle for GC Froome finished 6 seconds behind the Italian national champion and I bet there were some words for Rogue Landa in the Skybus later.

Aru was presented with his second yellow jersey and right now, in Mattie’s words, "Fabio Aru has got more presents under the tree than anybody else".

It must be Christmas in July.

Stage 11 Eymet / Pau - Time Not On Bodnar's Side As Kittel Makes It Five

Stage 11 and can you believe it we’re already half way through the Tour? How time flies. Another flat stage from Eymet to Pau at the foot of the Pyrenees - one, as they say in the classics, for the sprinters.

From the moment the flag was pulled into the red car Marco Marcato, Maciej Bodnar and cow-milker extraordinaire Frederik Backaert formed a breakaway. Getting into the breakaway is by now a familiar pattern for Wanty-Groupe Gobert rider Backaert – you could say he Wanty the TV time..?

Not much happened out on the flat through the fields of tournesol and corn until a crash in the feed zone near the 'Chapel of the Cyclists' at Labastide-d'Armagnac . Clearly the cycling Godz were away on a group ride with no offer of protection in the hazardous feed zone. Dario Cataldo was left with a broken scaphoid and a scare for GC contender Jakob Fuglsang who was nursing a sore wrist.

The field art followed the familiar themes of bicycles with animated wheels and clocks and OMG, A TRACTOR HOURGLASS!!! Like tractors through the hourglass...10/10 for originality!

As the race progressed the ‘cross tail’ winds, according to Matt and Robbie, were picking up slightly. I’m not sure of the significance of a cross tail wind which I interpret to mean ‘not too annoying but not all that helpful’.

Conversation turned to Nacer Bouhanni’s swing at Jack Bauer on the run into Bergerac the day before. Matt and Robbie were slightly incredulous at the punishment levelled at Bouhanni which was a one minute time penalty and a fine of 200 Swiss Francs, which according to Mattie is about the price of a sandwich at a Swiss airport.

Like...how does the saying go again?

At 30km to go Maciej Bodnar flicked the switch into time trial beast mode and soloed away. To the hum of carbon the power-house Pole was powering to Pau. Bodnar looked like he was dreamin’ but he dared to dream and who dares sometimes wins despite the odds of a rampaging peloton against him.

Meanwhile Alberto Contador’s nightmare continued with the two time Tour winner crashing with team mate Michael Gogl. Bertie just can't take a trick this Tour and it’s kind of sad to see a champion fade away.

Bodnar continued to power on to the Pau and Mattie thought he was, "spending all his petrol tickets". Petrol tickets??? And another Keenanism is born.

Robbie declared, "Bodnar is not normal" and at the front of the peloton a group of elite time trialists was chasing a time trialist and this year’s field art theme is starting to make more sense.

As the peloton headed to Pau the sprint teams were getting organised at the front but they still had to catch Bodnar. Yesterday’s winner and leader in the points competition Marcel Kittel had, according to Mattie,”been flying in economy and has moved to first class just before the cockpit". Don’t know about you about but I’ve never been able to swing an upgrade like that.

But Kittel showed he’s all class as Bodnar was denied a 200km time trial victory in the final 300 metres and the man in green sprinted to his fifth Tour win.

In the post race interview Kittel revealed the secret to his sprinting prowess, which is not about power and speed but being good at Tetris by getting the right gaps.

Chris Froome arrived safely in Pau, Kittel is in the form of his life and at the halfway mark this Tour is starting to look – predictable.

Stage 9 Nantua / Chambéry - Life's a Biche

Stage 9 and the riders set out on what many regarded as the ‘Queen stage’ of the Tour and the first big hit out for the GC contenders on a huge mountain stage in the Savoie region of the Alps.

Gabs sampled the Savoie fare of the region and he made a bee line for the famous Chartreuse liquor and ginger beer for a Chartreuse mule or two.

Early in the race Robert Gesink and Manuele Mori abandoned after crashing and Mori looked to be in some distress lying on the road clutching his right shoulder. No one wants to see that but sometimes cycling can be a brutal sport.

40 km into the race the riders passed a giant creepy looking hay bale giant and the couch peloton tried to erase the memory before bedtime. Probably a good idea that the young kiddies were already tucked up in bed.

Boundary rider Ant McCrossan interrupted Orica-Scott Directeur Sportif Matt White who had been barking out instructions to the team to get in the solid foods early. What, is Matt feeding babies? I can’t wait to see him nurse a rider back into the race.

A large pack of riders arrived at the first hors categorie climb Col de la Biche and the profile suggested it would be a biche of a climb with an average gradient of 9% over 10.5 km.

Primoz Roglic was first to the top before Bugalugs, Axel Domont and Alexis Vuillermoz on a course that suspiciously looked tailor made for the French AG2R La Mondiale squad. They launched a descent that saw Geraint Thomas crash out of the Tour with a broken collar bone. At least G got to spend a few glorious days in yellow and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Way down the road and the Gruppetto was having another hard day in which a number of riders including Aussie Mark Renshaw and Stage 4 winner Arnaud Demare failed to stay within the cut off time.

With a number of crashes and a thunderstorm for the descent into Chambéry this was shaping up to be a dramatic stage. But it wasn’t all gloom and doom.

Robbie recounted the time he passed The Jensie being wrapped in bandages after a nasty crash at 80km per hour. The bike was cactus and he was given a Mavic neutral service bike. Robbie was later passed by what looked like The Mummy on a bike seven sizes too small speaking with a German accent. I think Robbie’s Jens Voigt impersonation needs a little more work though with a little less channeling of Yoda.

Thomas Voeckler took time out for a cheerio to the couch peloton and the tongue said hi too!

Fashun watch.: Did I see a sleeveless Cofidis rider collecting a bidon from the team car? Maybe he was off to audition for a remake of ‘Rumblefish’. And green rimmed clear glasses to match the Kermit green Cannondale Drapac kit?

Items of jewelry didn't escape the eyes of Matt and Robbie. Robbie noted the piece on a chain dangling from the neck of Richie Porte and noted, "the little map of Tassie goes everywhere with Porte".

It looked like more than a full week of commentating was taking a toll on the duo and the rest day couldn't come soon enough. Mattie normally doesn't miss a beat, but  'constemplating' had the couch peloton a little perplexed.

Warren Barguil was the first over the top of the second hors categorie Grand Colombier and back down the valley to be confronted by the imposing Mont du Chat (cat mountain).

The imposing Mont du Chat.

On the monster climb of the hors catogorie Mont du Chat  riders were dropping like flies. Michal Kwiatkowski Kwiatstopski and Bauke Mollema went up in a mushroom cloud.

In the yellow group the hand of Chris Froome shot up indicating a mechanical but Fabio Aru attacked, a real no-no in cycling etiquette. Oh dear, this was going to be really awkward for the Sardinian at the dinner table that evening. If Aru hadn't got the message yet he certainly did from a little dig from Froome and at that moment he was probably looking for a rock to crawl under.

The big question on the mind of Mattie of all the riders was, "how much left in the tank? E for empty or E for enough?" Alberto Contador looked like his tank was on an empty. Robbie thought Bertie's goose was cooked, well it certainly wasn't steak.

'Narrow' Quintana's chances for a Paris podium finish looked slimmer as he started falling back from the yellow group.

If reaching the summit wasn't difficult enough there was a long, tricky take-no-prisoners descent down Mont du Chat to Chambéry.

Richie Porte ran off the road in a horrible crash flew across the road collecting Dan Martin. In an instant Porte's Tour was over and the couch peloton was left speechless. A broken hip and collarbone is bad enough but it could have been so much worse.

At the bottom of the descent the twelve year old Romain Bardet got himself out front and the chase was on with the yellow group of Froome, Jakob Fuglsang, Aru and Rigoberto Uran.

Uran had a problem with his derailleur and with the help of a French McGyver from Mavic neutral service was able to go on only in fixie mode since the shifter was stuffed.

Bardet was caught a little over 2km to go from his AG2R home base in and in a sprint to the finish Uran pipped Barguil on the line.

A great win for the Colombian but there was more drama than one can take in one hit.

The rest day never looked so good.

Stage 18 Sallanches / Megève - Better Watch Out For The Skin Deep

Stage 18 and the Tour was back in France for the second time trial, and shortest stage of the Tour, the 17 km individual time trial from Sallanches to Megève.

As the Tour approaches its final days, Gabs prepared a special dish of yabby turnovers with truffle. Gabs used his keen sense of smell to sniff out the truffles from under the oak trees so he didn’t have to spend a penny on this luxury ingredient.

Speaking of luxuries, butter has been more of a luxury lately but it’s back in this recipe with 40g, taking the buerremetric counter to 830g.

An uphill time trial called for different approaches to equipment. The demand for aerodynamic efficiency isn’t so great for climbing. A number of riders opted just for their normal road bike. Others thought strap-on extension bars were the way to go. For others nothing less than the full TT kit would do.

By the time we joined the caravan of commentary many riders had already completed the course. Ion Izaguirre got his turn in the hot seat.

Roadside randoms were out in force but were noticeably better behaved than at Mount Ventoux the week before. Clearly they heeded Richie Porte’s stern talking to.

A rather poor looking Didi copy, a facsimile of the devil if you like, was bouncing around on the course. I mean come on, there’s only one Didi!

Gerard Depardieu was back at the side of the road on his annual Tour de France bender dressed in an Obelix costume.

Mattie recounted Kiwi Shane Archbold’s heroics after crashing and completing the previous day’s stage with a broken pelvis. Not quite the ‘blood and snot on the handle bars’ but cyclists are a bloody tough lot.

Jakob Fuglsang, who has some of the best hair in the peloton, rode his standard road bike like a virtual time trial with virtual extension bars except it was a real time trial.

All eyes were on Tom Dumoulin who won the first time trial in stage 13. He went the full kit and there was a touch of excitement in Robbie’s voice as he described Tom’s latex skinsuit and long socks. I do wonder about the long socks though, is Dumoulin a maths/science teacher when he’s off the bike?

Dumoulin was clearly popular with the fans who formed a Mexican wave of noise on the climb.

Mattie had made mention of Chris Froome being measured up for another skinsuit and it really had us guessing if he’d come out in an ultra shiny yellow outfit in an effort to out-do Dumoulin.

Sky unveils next season's skinsuit look

Mattie noticed Wilco Kelderman had gone the safer option and ditched the full rear disc that caused him so much grief in stage 13. Still his effort was well off the mark and Mattie recalled when he was known as ‘Wilco Keldermerckx’ because he used to win everything.

Dumoulin was setting a cracking pace and passed Jan Bakelants and his only response was with a shake of his head.

Thomas De Gendt knocked off Izaguirre from the hot seat but wasn’t there for very long as Dumoulin finished 41 seconds faster than de Gendt.

A tricky chicane on the approach to the line caused a few nervous moments. Staying safe is the key and in words worthy of a T-shirt print Robbie advised that, “slower is sometimes faster”.

It was time for Matt and Robbie to duck off to the side with the team cars to make way for Phil and Paul.

Paul noted Fabio Aru was 17 km from the finish line, which came as no surprise as he hadn’t started yet.

Phil said, “Tom Dumoulin set the bar very high here”. Well yes, but in order to achieve that he needed to set the bars very low to get the maximum aerodynamic advantage.

Geraint Thomas left the start house wearing a silky black skinsuit with see-through cutaways at the back. Jesus, did he pick it up from an adult shop?

Aru got going and finally began to close that 17 km gap to the finish line and put in a blistering effort to finish third.

It was Richie Portes' time to go and Paul thought Phil let fly with a ‘Richie Froome’. Now Paul had planted the seed we just knew it was going to happen in real life.

Nairo Quintana made a quick start and looked more at home on his customised time trial bike than in stage 13. After all the hills suit Quintana better than the flat and managed a top ten finish.

Adam Yates hit the road with a ‘Yates you can’ attitude in his bid to claw back time from Bauke Mollema. Mollema didn’t have the greatest of runs finishing down in seventeenth place.

Porte was nine seconds faster than Dumoulin at first time check and looked to be in control.

The final rider of the day Chris Froome went with the full on time trial bike with full disc at the back, which according to boundary rider Jens Voigt was the ‘risky option’.

At the second time check Porte was eight seconds down on Dumoulin and it was going to take a big effort. Porte came home in third and then was upgraded to second. Now all Dumoulin and Porte could do was wait and see how Froome would go.

Froome looked slow and there were no time checks appearing on screen but by the time he reached the third time check he was ahead of Dumoulin.

On the downhill run to the chicane section before the line Paul spotted Froome, “getting into a strange position”, as he tried to squeeze every bit of advantage from his ride.

As Froome crossed the line it was clear he was here for a big smack down and finished 21 seconds ahead of Dumoulin and extended his lead in yellow to 03’ 52” ahead of Mollema.

There’s still Friday and Saturday to go in the mountains but so long as he can stay upright, Chris Froome has pretty much got his third Tour win in the bag.

Stage 18 Gap / Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne – Bardet goes all the way

Stage 18 and it’s the Tour’s second day in jaw dropping majesty of the French Alps.

When Gabs is down this way he never forgets to pack a rod for a relaxing spot of trout fishing in the many icy streams of the Alps. With a little help from Phil he’d soon bagged his legal daily quota of trout but it wasn’t enough to feed the peloton and the entire Tour caravan. JC Peraud was enlisted to help and miraculously there was plenty of fish to feed the multitude. Short on pain for breakfast? Not a problem with JC around.

So baked trout with Gruyere cheese was on the menu and the two tablespoons of butter in the recipe have finally moved the buerremetric counter from 200 to 240g. It’s also triple the dairy with cream and cheese.

Jakob Fuglsang found himself in an inexplicable uphill crash on the Col du Glandon. We’re not quite sure what happened as he was off camera to the left when suddenly we saw his rear wheel flick into the air. It’s kind of heartening to know even the pros are prone to silly crashes like that - it makes lesser mortals like me feel a little better about myself when I do something idiotic on a bike.

Romain Bardet was first over the top of the Col du Glandon and Phil was wondering if, “Bardet’s laying down a foundation, can he build a house?” At high speed on a bike? He’ll have your new home built to lock up stage in no time.

Samuel Sanchez was spotted on the descent but where were his golden shoes? Must have left them in Gap for resoling.

Romain Bardet ascends the Lacets de Montvernier

Bardet was still out front when he reached the amazing Lacets de Montvernier, a climb 3km long packed in to 400 metres on a narrow road with 17 hairpin bends up a cliff face. To some it looked like the entrails left behind after the vultures had been there. To me it looked more like a fish ladder to guide the pilot fish in the peloton to the top of the climb. Each bend had ‘Yates you can’ painted on the road but we didn’t know for which one.

For some in the peloton the course looked a little too much like the lay out of ‘Donkey Kong’ and the peloton was keen to get over the top before Andre Greipel got there and started hurling barrels down the road. In hindsight it was probably a good thing Rui Costa’s brother Mario is not at this Tour.

We watched as Bardet pedalled up the Lacets which prompted Paul to say, “this makes you want to jump out of your telly and give the man a push”, which was about the most sense we’d heard from him all day.

Bardet got to the top of the Lacets with a 40 second lead over the chasers and as he got his turbo whistling for the run to Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne, Paul’s Sherliggettism turbo was whistling to the point of blowing up. At one stage Paul compared Bardet discarding his bidon to ‘throwing out the sand bags like a hot air balloon to get more height’ even though he was actually going down hill.

Bardet had ditched the gloves too – which was not so much as having thrown down the gauntlet but completely throwing it away. The young Frenchman notched up his first Tour win and Pierre Rolland put in great ride to make it a French one - two finish, which will probably be remembered like that other one - two victory at Bathurst ’77.

Stage 12 Lannemezan / Plateau de Beille - Hail Purito

Stage 12 and it was the final day in the Pyrenees Mountains on a tough 195km ride to Plateau de Beille.

As we know Gabs is the consummate locavore meaning he’ll often go foraging for food items at hand in the regions visited by the Tour. Curiously he went with a stew from Normandy, lamb navarin with mushroom and peas. Out of character for Gabs but the peloton appreciated the hearty feed after three tough days in the Pyrenees.

The day started out stinking hot but it was a different story at Plateau de Beille where buckets of rain and hailstones awaited. The Pyrenees appeared to have taken a leaf from the Melbourne weather book and delivered four seasons in day.

Thor really put the hammer down at the finish and a storm caused the power to out and grounded the Tour choppers.

Phil and Paul dashed outside to try to get the old diesel generator going. Usually a tap with hammer does the trick but not today. Probably would have paid to check it had fuel in it.

There was a big cheer after the lights came on when a quick thinking Jensie pulled out a bicycle powered generator and started pedalling like a man possessed. He’s not as fit since he retired from racing and was soon to be heard muttering under laboured breath, “shut up legs”.

After power was restored Tomo and Robbie reported they were alive and well, although Tomo is still assessing the damage to his hair. Don’t worry Tomo, have a word with John Degenkolb, he might be able to give you a special discount on shampoo.

The peloton managed to avoid the tempest at the finish but soon the rain started. Despite this the riders settled into a steady tempo and some riders even adopted time trialling poses. Michal Kwiatkowski, according to Phil, adopted a ‘relaxed fish position’. Did I really hear that? Not sure if I’m starting to suffer aural hallucinations, but you never can tell listening to Phil.

Movistar's away jersey

It was in the final 16 km climb on 7.9% average gradient that the race started to get really interesting. Kwiatkowski abandoned the relaxed fish position dropping Sep Vanmarke at 14 km to go. Romain Bardet had a better day but cracked a little as Joaquim ‘Purito’ Rodriquez took off after Kwiatkowski.

Purito caught Kwiatkowski at 7.5km to go and grimaced all the way in the driving rain to the finish.

Meanwhile Chris Froome was under attack from the remaining fantastic four. First it was Alberto Contador’s move. Then Nibs did something apart from dangle out the back. The team with the ‘big Ms on the jersey’ held back until Alejandro Valverde launched Nairo Quintana.

The Skybots aided by Chris’s mate Richie Froo...Porte fought off the concerted attack with Valverde picking up only one second. Jakob Fuglsang and Romain Bardet tried to catch up with Rodriguez but had to settle for second and third.

Another cigar for Purito who took his second stage at this Tour but chapeau to Romain Bardet who looked really crook with heatstroke the day before.

Post race there was talk of Asstana giving Nibali the arse. That may have been Asstana team owner Vino’s position before the stage but changed his tune after Nibali’s performance today.

As Rodriguez climbed the podium Tomo named Purito ‘Minister for Funny Faces’. Tomo, no one, but no one gurns like Thomas Voeckler.