Stage 9 Nantua / Chambéry - Life's a Biche

Stage 9 and the riders set out on what many regarded as the ‘Queen stage’ of the Tour and the first big hit out for the GC contenders on a huge mountain stage in the Savoie region of the Alps.

Gabs sampled the Savoie fare of the region and he made a bee line for the famous Chartreuse liquor and ginger beer for a Chartreuse mule or two.

Early in the race Robert Gesink and Manuele Mori abandoned after crashing and Mori looked to be in some distress lying on the road clutching his right shoulder. No one wants to see that but sometimes cycling can be a brutal sport.

40 km into the race the riders passed a giant creepy looking hay bale giant and the couch peloton tried to erase the memory before bedtime. Probably a good idea that the young kiddies were already tucked up in bed.

Boundary rider Ant McCrossan interrupted Orica-Scott Directeur Sportif Matt White who had been barking out instructions to the team to get in the solid foods early. What, is Matt feeding babies? I can’t wait to see him nurse a rider back into the race.

A large pack of riders arrived at the first hors categorie climb Col de la Biche and the profile suggested it would be a biche of a climb with an average gradient of 9% over 10.5 km.

Primoz Roglic was first to the top before Bugalugs, Axel Domont and Alexis Vuillermoz on a course that suspiciously looked tailor made for the French AG2R La Mondiale squad. They launched a descent that saw Geraint Thomas crash out of the Tour with a broken collar bone. At least G got to spend a few glorious days in yellow and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Way down the road and the Gruppetto was having another hard day in which a number of riders including Aussie Mark Renshaw and Stage 4 winner Arnaud Demare failed to stay within the cut off time.

With a number of crashes and a thunderstorm for the descent into Chambéry this was shaping up to be a dramatic stage. But it wasn’t all gloom and doom.

Robbie recounted the time he passed The Jensie being wrapped in bandages after a nasty crash at 80km per hour. The bike was cactus and he was given a Mavic neutral service bike. Robbie was later passed by what looked like The Mummy on a bike seven sizes too small speaking with a German accent. I think Robbie’s Jens Voigt impersonation needs a little more work though with a little less channeling of Yoda.

Thomas Voeckler took time out for a cheerio to the couch peloton and the tongue said hi too!

Fashun watch.: Did I see a sleeveless Cofidis rider collecting a bidon from the team car? Maybe he was off to audition for a remake of ‘Rumblefish’. And green rimmed clear glasses to match the Kermit green Cannondale Drapac kit?

Items of jewelry didn't escape the eyes of Matt and Robbie. Robbie noted the piece on a chain dangling from the neck of Richie Porte and noted, "the little map of Tassie goes everywhere with Porte".

It looked like more than a full week of commentating was taking a toll on the duo and the rest day couldn't come soon enough. Mattie normally doesn't miss a beat, but  'constemplating' had the couch peloton a little perplexed.

Warren Barguil was the first over the top of the second hors categorie Grand Colombier and back down the valley to be confronted by the imposing Mont du Chat (cat mountain).

The imposing Mont du Chat.

On the monster climb of the hors catogorie Mont du Chat  riders were dropping like flies. Michal Kwiatkowski Kwiatstopski and Bauke Mollema went up in a mushroom cloud.

In the yellow group the hand of Chris Froome shot up indicating a mechanical but Fabio Aru attacked, a real no-no in cycling etiquette. Oh dear, this was going to be really awkward for the Sardinian at the dinner table that evening. If Aru hadn't got the message yet he certainly did from a little dig from Froome and at that moment he was probably looking for a rock to crawl under.

The big question on the mind of Mattie of all the riders was, "how much left in the tank? E for empty or E for enough?" Alberto Contador looked like his tank was on an empty. Robbie thought Bertie's goose was cooked, well it certainly wasn't steak.

'Narrow' Quintana's chances for a Paris podium finish looked slimmer as he started falling back from the yellow group.

If reaching the summit wasn't difficult enough there was a long, tricky take-no-prisoners descent down Mont du Chat to Chambéry.

Richie Porte ran off the road in a horrible crash flew across the road collecting Dan Martin. In an instant Porte's Tour was over and the couch peloton was left speechless. A broken hip and collarbone is bad enough but it could have been so much worse.

At the bottom of the descent the twelve year old Romain Bardet got himself out front and the chase was on with the yellow group of Froome, Jakob Fuglsang, Aru and Rigoberto Uran.

Uran had a problem with his derailleur and with the help of a French McGyver from Mavic neutral service was able to go on only in fixie mode since the shifter was stuffed.

Bardet was caught a little over 2km to go from his AG2R home base in and in a sprint to the finish Uran pipped Barguil on the line.

A great win for the Colombian but there was more drama than one can take in one hit.

The rest day never looked so good.

Stage 15 Bourg-en-Bresse / Culoz - Colombian Conquers Colombier in Culoz

Stage 15 and its back in the mountains as the Tour heads toward Switzerland on a 159 km route from Bourg-en-Bresse to Culoz.

After the dip and crackers debacle, Gabs made it up to the peloton with the family favourite grandmother’s chicken. The butter makes a welcome return since we last saw it in stage 10. The two tablespoons take the buerremetric counter to 730 g.

Early on in the race a sizable breakaway made its escape which included a handful of French riders including Julian Alaphilippe, Alexis Vuillermoz, Roman Sicard and of course Thomas Voeckler. 

Time is running out for a French victory at this year’s Tour. Bryan Coquard came so close in stage 4 to Marcel Kittel but today might be the day. However, the determination of Poland’s Rafal Majka to grab the polka dot jersey looked to spoil their chances.

Robbie and Mattie were calling the race from the drop of the flag. The topic of conversation was Mark Cavendish’s 30 Tour stage victories, just four short of Eddy Merckx. Cav would prefer not to be compared to the legendary Eddy Merckx because he’s Eddy Merckx. And just how good was Eddy Merckx? According to Robbie he was so good he won races he wasn’t even in.

At the 52 km mark the riders took on the category 2 ‘Col de Pea Soup’. Believe me, Robbie is getting better with his French. He can also say wazoo, which is French for bird.

The peloton made its way through countryside that takes pride in its cheese. This was celebrated in the field art work titled by Robbie, ‘Milking the cow, making the cheese’.

Phil and Paul did a Chris Froome and threw out the rule book to launch a surprise attack to catch Robbie and Mattie at 69 km to go in time for the big climb on the hors categorie Grand Colombier.

With a big contingent of Colombian riders at this Tour they shouldn’t have any trouble on the Grand Colombier, which is merely the size of foothill in their home country.

The riders started the climb of the Grand Colombier in earnest to the tune of cow bells from spectators at the side of the road, which makes up part of the soundtrack to the Tour in these mountainous regions.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier

The 13 km climb soon took its toll as one by one the sprinters were spat out the back. Every now and then Europe’s highest peak of the snow capped Mont Blanc came into view. Good thing there’s no road up there, the sprinters would just toss their bike to the side of the road and go home.

Still Mont Blanc provided a majestic backdrop to majestic vaches in one of the helicopter shots and I could almost cry.

Maps of the ‘hexagon of France’ featured heavily in field art. I wonder Paul just how many hectometres are there in the hexagon of France? There are just not enough fingers and toes to count.

Rounding the corner into the final week of the Tour we got our first ‘heads of state’ couch peloton drinking game mention from Paul. Time to raid the top shelf. Expect to hear more of heads of state in the coming days as podium in Paris takes shape.

Majka was first over the top of Grand Colombier and went on the descent with Alaphilippe and Colombian rider Jarlinson Pantano toward the finish line at Culoz. At first it was reported Julian Alaphilippe had crashed but it turned out to just be a mechanical.

Majka and Pantano crossed the line but the race wasn’t over yet with a lap of Grand Colombier but this time from a different approach via the spectacular Lacets du Grand Colombier.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier is an amazing piece of road that twists and turns up the mountain. Phil said it resembled a tape worm. I think it looked more like intestines, or was it a series of S-bends?

Questionable fan behaviour was on display as smoke from a lit flare reduced visibility on the climb to zero. My lesson is hey kids, don’t set fire to your flares, wear them like a boss.

France’s last hope for the stage Romain Bardet rolled the dice on the Lacets but by that stage Majka and Pantano where making their charge down the hella cray but hella fun descent to Culoz.

Pantano was too good for Majka in the sprint to the line making it his first Tour victory, and a victory for Colombia on the Grand Colombier.

Rafal Majka has won stages in all the Tours he’s participated in (okay, this is only his third). Better luck next time, you’ll still win a stage – it’s in the contract.

Stage 8 Rennes / Mûr-de-Bretagne - Merde Britannia

Stage 8 of the Tour and it was a Saturday night in Australia. I finally got to see a stage including the pre-match entertainment as opposed to rushing in during the week only to see Matthew Keenan get caught by the Ps.

Part of the pre-match entertainment for the night on SBS was Monty Python’s Best Bits. I can’t think of a more appropriate segue into the Tour.

Off to the kitchen and no visit to Brittany would be complete without crêpes so Gabs treated the riders to Brittany crêpes with strawberries. The recipe calls for double cream in a strawberries and cream reference to Wimbledon going on across the Channel. I saw what you did there Gabs!

There’s 2 teaspoons or about 10g of butter so the buerremetric counter edges up to 120g.

Phil and Paul gave us a rare up close and personal look at the commentary caravan. I see they’re still using the 486s held together with duct tape. I know budgets are tight at SBS but come on, lap tops and tablets are pretty cheap these days.

The commentary caravan looked like it had a bit of a tidy up and noticed the cassoulet bowls had been well hidden.

Team Katusha Rockets started the day one man down after Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine. A very cheeky Troll DJ couldn’t help him/herself and had to play ‘White Lines’ by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mell. Anymore positive tests for illicit substances Troll DJ will need to pull out the Del-Lords ‘When the DrugsKick In.'

Early on in the race breakaways Bartosz Huzarski, Sylvain Chavanel, Romain Sicard (this time on Oooropcar TV duty) and Pierre-Luc Périchon made their escape. The hunt was on and 17 riders went on the chase after the intermediate sprint. They were caught at 69 km to go when Huzarski escaped again with Lars Bak and Michal Golas.

Huzarski eventually surrendered and the last two breakies Bak and Golas were swallowed up by the hungry pack at 8 km to go.

The moment the breakies realise they've been caught

I always wonder about the motivation of a breakaway - dare to dream or TV time for the team sponsor? Probably a bit of both really.

The field art award of the day went to the hay bale bike construction with moving horsie wheels. Nice nod to the racing industry even though PMU isn’t sponsoring the green jersey anymore.

Just like with the Mur de Huy Paul was having trouble with the pronunciation of Mûr-de-Bretagne, the final climb to the finish. He settled on ‘Manure-de-Britannia.’ I’m also hoping Phil pulls himself up the next time he calls Brittany ‘Britannia’ with a “Oops!...I did it again.”

It wasn’t just pronunciation that caused problems. Phil spotted Tony Greipel in the pack. OK, fair enough Martin and Greipel are German. The Jensie got tangled up in a Jensieism of his own and called Dan Martin ‘Dean Martin.’

I must confess I do have difficulties with riders who share the same first name but also have a first name as a surname with an ‘s’ on the end. Yes, I’m looking at you Roger Matthews and Matthew Michaels.

No such problems with the Yates twins Simon and Adam. They look the same, ride on the same team, the first names are interchangeable really.

Down at the business end of the day R2D2 C3PO La Mondiale’s Alexis Vuillermoz made his intentions known on the climb of the Mûr-de-Bretagne, but Chris Froome wasn’t having any of that leaving Nibs in his wake. Dean Martin left his attack a little too late and the former mountain biker Vuillermoz rode away to take his first Tour victory and a win for France.