Stage 12 Montpellier / Mont Ventoux - Born to Run

Stage 12 and the riders set off on a slightly shortened 184 km route from Montpellier to the ‘Giant of Provence’, the mythical Mont Ventoux.

The peloton was going to need every bit of energy to tackle the steep climb so a hearty chicken casserole with olives and capsicum. No butter this time after the massive effort with the snails. Gabs, I know people are health conscious and all that but did you know butter is good for you now? Much better than that ghastly margarine dieticians have been telling us to use for years.

Out on the road and it was a fairly straight forward affair on relatively flat roads. Fabio Aru was spotted getting a full bike service on the move from the Asstana Team car.

Hats off to the mechanic, that’s some feat to be able to replace a crank set with chin just a few inches above the road going at 60 km/h. The commissaires were less impressed. Aru had trouble separating from the team car. Sticky bidon is a common problem in pro-cycling but sticky car?

Troll DJ busted out the Miami Vice theme to a montage of the beautiful sites and the water sporting activities of the Mediterranean coast. The tour is always scenic, but this year the scenery has been ridiculously good.

With category blow-your-beret-off winds forecast for the moonscape top of Mont Ventoux, the race finish was moved six kilometres down the road. The caravan of commentary was actually in a supermarket carpark miles away. Robbie and Mattie were taking no chances, it’d disintegrate in the winds at the top of the mountain.

The Man from Mansfield Simon Gerrans may have been a victim of the wind or perhaps a spot of oil on the road when leading a chase his front wheel washed out on a corner and hit the deck hard. His new ORICA-BikeExchange jersey was torn and he was bleeding but it looked like nothing was broken.

It was later revealed Gerrans had broken his collar bone and pulled out of the Tour to try and heal in time for the Olympics. He's had a few broken bones over the years and makes you wonder how many falls can Gerro’s body take?

Mattie was admiring the hairstyles in the peloton, remarkable really since they were all wearing helmets. He noted Bryan Coquard’s sprinting ability and admire's the young Frenchman's ‘quaff’. Andre Greipel adopted a ‘hairodynamic’ position on his bike to stay out of the wind.

Phil and Paul were having a slow day only catching Robbie and Mattie a 22 km to go near the base of the mythical mountain.

Paul thought Simon Gerrans had had a ‘funny crash’. I don’t think Gerro thought it was very funny.

Phil called the leading group hitting the lower slopes of the Giant of Provence the ‘Twelve Musketeers’. Sounds like they come in three additional sets now days. That, or Phil will be telling us Jesus only had three disciples next.

In a surprise move Andre Greipel went on the attack as the road tilted upwards. This Tour has been something - climbers attacking on flat stages, sprinters on mountain stages. What’s the world coming to?

Greipel the mountain gorilla continued charging up the road like an enraged silverback and Paul wondered when Nairo Quintana would ‘light the blue touch paper’ and set off some Bastille Day fireworks.

Froome makes the dash up the Mont Ventoux

Bastille Day always draws a large crowd to the roadside at the Tour but today was more crowded. The shortened finish and because fans who made the attempt to get to the top of the mountain were blown back down it created a corridor of noise concentrate.

As the climb got steeper the rope, Phil’s words, was running out on the riders as they started to crack and fall off the back.

In the final kilometres of the race Bertjan Lindeman, Dani Navarro, Serge Pauwels and Thomas de Gendt were in the lead group. Frenchman Sylvain Chavenel joined the group but fell away along with Lindeman. With the Frenchman gone it was time for the Colombian Navarro to step up to honourary French status because he rides for Cofidis.

Further down the road Quintana lit the blue touch paper and attacked followed by Sergio Henao (you know how it goes).

As the remaining lead trio headed toward the line Thomas de Gendt was riding like Thomas de Tank Engine. At 1 km to go the 1 km to kite was missing after being blown away by the wind. Serge Pauwels surged but it wasn’t enough as de Gendt crossed the line.

Down the road Chris Froome decided to go taking Richie Porte and Bauke Mollema with him. Porte was working for Froome just like old times. It was all too much for Quintana who raised the white flag.

Then disaster struck as a moto suddenly stopped and Porte, Froome and Mollema crashed into it. Mollema and Porte recovered but the GC leader was left without a bike. Froome tossed away the rule book and started RUNNING, YES, RUNNING up the road.

Neutral service eventually caught up with Froome and handed him what looked like a kids bike. Of course the bike was slow coming from neutral service. Honestly, a $150 Huffy bike would have done a better job. The Skybot team came to the rescue with a proper bike but it looked like the damage had been done.

We were not sure if we were still watching the Tour de France or just watched Chris Froome compete in his first triathlon. Not a bad effort though, it’s not easy walking in cleats let alone run in them.

Chaos ensued, fingers pointed to overcrowding, drunken fans or a combination of the two that forced the moto to a sudden halt.

Froome’s hold on yellow looked to be in jeopardy but on the upside he’d just qualified for the Kenyan Olympic running team.

As the world waited on the judges’ decision Peter Sagan accepted his green jersey on a hundred gazillion points. In the post race interview he said, “for me it’s okay, for Chris Froome I don’t think so”.

The GC was still up in the air, the provisional result had Adam Yates in yellow and Froome in eighth. As we waited for the result Robbie and Tomo were in disbelief but with some time to kill there was no better time than to preview tomorrow’s individual time trail and marathon.

The wait dragged on and still no podium presso for the golden fleece. Bernard Hinault was there to help officiate but all he wanted to do was to get home to his cows.

Just before the meter ran out on the satellite feed, Tomo had word that Froome had hung on to yellow.

Condolences to the family and friends of the victims of the terrible attack in Nice on Bastille Day. 

Words fail me.

Stage 6 Arpajon-sur-Cère / Montauban - Cav Pips Kitteh to Claim Lion's Share

Stage 6 and the peloton headed further south toward the Pyrenees on a flat 190.5 km route from Arpajon-sur-Cère to Montauban.

Gabs checked the Météo-France weather forecast and it was going to be a warm one so he decided to make a delicious cold treat for the peloton - coffee parfait with prunes in Armagnac.

Well, the coffee parfait does look delicious and is made from cream and I’m sure a health conscious peloton will appreciate the prunes soaked in Armagnac to help keep them regular, but this is the third day without butter.

Gabs, do not think for one minute the riders haven’t noticed. There are rumours some are considering starting up an online petition demanding the return ‘of the butter’. OUCH!!

As the riders set off and Yukiya Arashiro and Jan Barta took off from the front.

In the caravan of commentary, Robbie was shooting the breeze about how the kids always ask dads riding in the Tour to bring home a couple of stuffed lions – not a real one from a despicable canned-hunting safari but the plush toy awarded to the day’s yellow jersey winner. You simply can't buy these in a souvenir shop because, according to Robbie, “the only way to get one of these lions? Suffering”.

Mattie and Robbie thought this stage would be one for the ‘pure sprinters’. This implies there are impure sprinters lurking in the peloton, so WADA had better get on to that.

Robbie rated Bling's chances in the sprint. He felt Michael Matthews lacked the support of the OBE team to throw everything at picking up a stage win. That said, Robbie thought Bling would ride a top five finish but against the calibre of sprinters today they were, "going to come by at such a rate they'll suck his helmet off". Robbie!!! This is a family show!!!

While Arashiro and Barta were left to fry in the heat, the peloton was content to keep it at coffee ride tempo - that or the ‘arsephalt’ that was starting to melt in the heat was sucking the tyres down into the road surface slowing it down.

Unexpectedly Troll DJ went out early with Kraftwerk’s ‘Tour de France’. This, as the couch peloton observed, is usually reserved for the final day of the Tour. Troll DJ likes to keep the mix fresh by mixing up the mix a little. There are a few more Kraftwerk tunes to draw on but I suspect the Troll DJ is keeping the powder dry on ‘The Robots’.

The only trophy lion we want to see.

Mattie opened the day’s drinking game account with the three-shooter, “Chris Froome was born in Africa but races under a British licence”.

Mattie and Robbie speculated on who of the sprinters would win the stage. The big names would be there like Cav and Greipel but they thought Bryan Coquard would be in with a chance - but against the class of Marcel Kittel, Coquard would find the competition a little stiffer.

Robbie was rummaging in the ‘Ask Robbie’ mail bag and the question came up about oddly shaped chain rings on some of the bikes. They are supposed to 'kill the dead spots’ on each pedal stroke maximising efficiency. However, Robbie said he tried them once and is not a fan of ‘oblong’ chain rings, which sound like they’re more suited to pedalling in squares.

And the question came up as to why Thomas Voeckler was awarded the most combative prize in stage 3 and not Armindo Fonseca. Robbie and Mattie thought it was because he had a few mates on the judging panel, but the real reason Voeckler ended up with the most combative was because there was a mix up with the best gurning prize.

Not a lot happened on the road, however, the spectacular scenery of the route more than made up for the relative boredom of the stage. One couple passed the time with a game of chess on a spectacular outcrop. How they got up there with road bikes is anyone’s guess – scale the cliff face? Perhaps they got a heli drop from a Tour chopper?

Robbie and Mattie were caught by the Ps at 50.5 km to go. Phil spotted a perfectly executed crop circle in the shape of a bicycle. He wondered how the farmers do their crop art at ground level. Well Phil, it’s not the farmers you know...

While we’re on the topic of extraterrestrials, are we sure they were just bottles and not an alien trying to burst out of the back of a Tinkie domestique under his jersey?

With the breakies caught at 22 km to go, the riders started to pick up the pace as they headed toward Montauban. There was some tricky road furniture to navigate on the run in and at one point riders went around an onion shaped roundabout. Better not let Tony Abbott see that.

Paul was looking out for the green jersey on the shoulders of Peter Sagan. He said, “it’s easy to spot the green jersey”. Well yes, we presume, obviously, because it’s green and the other jerseys around it are not.

On the run to the finish the lead-out men got the big men ready for the sprint to the line. All eyes were on Kitteh but it was, “Cavendish, the Manx Missile, [who] scores another direct hit”. Well played Phil, well played.

This makes it three stage wins for Cav at this Tour and 29 Tour stage wins in total. He's had the lion's share of stage wins so far this Tour but it will be GVA bringing home more than one stuffed lion for the kid.

Stage 4 Saumur / Limoges - Hello Kitteh!

Stage 4 and it was another long day in the saddle as the peloton made its way south 237.5 km to Limoges in search of warmer climes.

Gabs was slaving over a hot stove preparing a hearty beef shin stew with carrots. But something was missing from the recipe. I must have gone over it ten times but alas, no butter! Hmm, stage 4 and Gabs’ commitment to making this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is starting to look a little shaky.

Tuning into the race it looked like it might have shaped up to be a carbon copy of yesterday’s Sunday coffee ride but only longer. As it turned out the peloton had stepped on the gas like holiday makers trying to make it to the campsite by sundown.

In the caravan of commentary Robbie joined Mattie and extolled the benefits of a wine or two after a hard day on the road. He cautioned that if you drink too much of it you’ll reach the 'tipping point', so it pays to drink wisely if you’re relying on a cheeky red as a recovery aid.

We’re not quite at the first quarter mark of the Tour and already Mattie’s thoughts are with next year’s edition. He noted that German cycling, particularly in the form of sprint stars ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel and Marcel Kittel (or ‘Kitteh’ as he is affectionately known) had come a long way in recent years. So much so that next year’s Grand Départ is from the German city of ‘Doozledorf’. That pronunciation was a bit of a doozy from Mattie but there’s still enough time to brush up on the Deutsch.

The peloton wound its way through the countryside and along side the rivers of the region. Some people in yellow boats formed the outline of a pilot fish for Phil. Field art is quite common at the Tour but occasionally there is some river art, which should never be attempted with a tractor.

Mattie and Robbie were discussing KOM leader Jasper Stuyven. As it turns out he runs a chocolate shop with his uncle and they’ve been busy turning out polka dot jersey choccies. Stuyven rides for Trek-Segafredo. I wonder if they do coffee in the chocolate shop as well?

Troll DJ busted out some of Blur’s ‘Country House’. Riders weren’t at full gas but would soon be a blur when the sprint got going.

Speaking of sprinters, at the stage 3 podium presso five time champion Bernard Hinault shook Cav’s hand, not to congratulate him on equalling his record of tour stage wins, but to seal a deal for Cav to buy the Limousin cow that belonged to Robbie. Robbie said he saw it in the butchers early that morning. Now we know where Gabs got the beef shin from.

The day’s route to the south showcased the many lovely towns and historical monuments the region has to offer. Mattie and Robbie spotted a pagoda, which made a nice change from boring chateaux.

Phil and Paul caught Matt and Robbie as the riders approached a ‘radioactive’ lake. I don’t think you’d want to take a rod down there, there’s a chance you might just catch a glow-in-the-dark three-eyed pilot fish. If fishing’s not your thing you can, according to Paul, still ‘practice water sports’ there.

The P’s reflected on the long career of the man known as ‘the eternal second’ French cyclist Raymond Poulidor. He’d finished on the podium a record eight times but never at the top. He’s here at the Tour as a yellow jersey ambassador, which is ironic since he never won the race overall.

At the age of 80 ‘Poupou’ is still well recognised in France and as Phil noted he can’t even eat a grapefruit in peace without old ladies poking at him.

Back to the race and the SherLiggettism drinking game was in full swing. ‘Throw down the gauntlet’ had the couch peloton throwing down the shots but Paul’s ‘the bank account of energy’ had us taking a second look at the grid. Looks like we’ll be adding another square if it gets another mention.

Phil thought he was at a theme park with, “you don’t have to go to Disneyland, this is a real rollercoaster ride”. He also noted that, “these roads are typically British”. Er, has anyone told him the Brexit result yet?

Phil and Paul swapped fishing analogies for ‘rabbits’ which had the couch peloton perplexed. Nonetheless, all this talk about rabbits had an effect during an ad break with the slogan, “Alpecin shampoo, German engineering for your hare”.

Maybe Phil and Paul were referring to the bunny-hopping on the traffic furniture by the lead out men but they were soon back in their hutches as the big sprinters made the uphill charge to the line.

Cav couldn’t make it back-to-back stage wins crossing the line in eighth. It was another close finish, this time between Marcel Kittel and Bryan Coquard. Judges called for the photo and it was Kitteh by a whisker.

Peter Sagan gets to ride another day in yellow. The road starts to get a little more lumpy in stage 5, an hors d'oeuvres, if you like, to the big mountains ahead. Will the world champ hang on to the golden fleece for one more day? Sagan is having a bit of a floater at the moment, so there's every chance he will.