Stage 12 Montpellier / Mont Ventoux - Born to Run

Stage 12 and the riders set off on a slightly shortened 184 km route from Montpellier to the ‘Giant of Provence’, the mythical Mont Ventoux.

The peloton was going to need every bit of energy to tackle the steep climb so a hearty chicken casserole with olives and capsicum. No butter this time after the massive effort with the snails. Gabs, I know people are health conscious and all that but did you know butter is good for you now? Much better than that ghastly margarine dieticians have been telling us to use for years.

Out on the road and it was a fairly straight forward affair on relatively flat roads. Fabio Aru was spotted getting a full bike service on the move from the Asstana Team car.

Hats off to the mechanic, that’s some feat to be able to replace a crank set with chin just a few inches above the road going at 60 km/h. The commissaires were less impressed. Aru had trouble separating from the team car. Sticky bidon is a common problem in pro-cycling but sticky car?

Troll DJ busted out the Miami Vice theme to a montage of the beautiful sites and the water sporting activities of the Mediterranean coast. The tour is always scenic, but this year the scenery has been ridiculously good.

With category blow-your-beret-off winds forecast for the moonscape top of Mont Ventoux, the race finish was moved six kilometres down the road. The caravan of commentary was actually in a supermarket carpark miles away. Robbie and Mattie were taking no chances, it’d disintegrate in the winds at the top of the mountain.

The Man from Mansfield Simon Gerrans may have been a victim of the wind or perhaps a spot of oil on the road when leading a chase his front wheel washed out on a corner and hit the deck hard. His new ORICA-BikeExchange jersey was torn and he was bleeding but it looked like nothing was broken.

It was later revealed Gerrans had broken his collar bone and pulled out of the Tour to try and heal in time for the Olympics. He's had a few broken bones over the years and makes you wonder how many falls can Gerro’s body take?

Mattie was admiring the hairstyles in the peloton, remarkable really since they were all wearing helmets. He noted Bryan Coquard’s sprinting ability and admire's the young Frenchman's ‘quaff’. Andre Greipel adopted a ‘hairodynamic’ position on his bike to stay out of the wind.

Phil and Paul were having a slow day only catching Robbie and Mattie a 22 km to go near the base of the mythical mountain.

Paul thought Simon Gerrans had had a ‘funny crash’. I don’t think Gerro thought it was very funny.

Phil called the leading group hitting the lower slopes of the Giant of Provence the ‘Twelve Musketeers’. Sounds like they come in three additional sets now days. That, or Phil will be telling us Jesus only had three disciples next.

In a surprise move Andre Greipel went on the attack as the road tilted upwards. This Tour has been something - climbers attacking on flat stages, sprinters on mountain stages. What’s the world coming to?

Greipel the mountain gorilla continued charging up the road like an enraged silverback and Paul wondered when Nairo Quintana would ‘light the blue touch paper’ and set off some Bastille Day fireworks.

Froome makes the dash up the Mont Ventoux

Bastille Day always draws a large crowd to the roadside at the Tour but today was more crowded. The shortened finish and because fans who made the attempt to get to the top of the mountain were blown back down it created a corridor of noise concentrate.

As the climb got steeper the rope, Phil’s words, was running out on the riders as they started to crack and fall off the back.

In the final kilometres of the race Bertjan Lindeman, Dani Navarro, Serge Pauwels and Thomas de Gendt were in the lead group. Frenchman Sylvain Chavenel joined the group but fell away along with Lindeman. With the Frenchman gone it was time for the Colombian Navarro to step up to honourary French status because he rides for Cofidis.

Further down the road Quintana lit the blue touch paper and attacked followed by Sergio Henao (you know how it goes).

As the remaining lead trio headed toward the line Thomas de Gendt was riding like Thomas de Tank Engine. At 1 km to go the 1 km to kite was missing after being blown away by the wind. Serge Pauwels surged but it wasn’t enough as de Gendt crossed the line.

Down the road Chris Froome decided to go taking Richie Porte and Bauke Mollema with him. Porte was working for Froome just like old times. It was all too much for Quintana who raised the white flag.

Then disaster struck as a moto suddenly stopped and Porte, Froome and Mollema crashed into it. Mollema and Porte recovered but the GC leader was left without a bike. Froome tossed away the rule book and started RUNNING, YES, RUNNING up the road.

Neutral service eventually caught up with Froome and handed him what looked like a kids bike. Of course the bike was slow coming from neutral service. Honestly, a $150 Huffy bike would have done a better job. The Skybot team came to the rescue with a proper bike but it looked like the damage had been done.

We were not sure if we were still watching the Tour de France or just watched Chris Froome compete in his first triathlon. Not a bad effort though, it’s not easy walking in cleats let alone run in them.

Chaos ensued, fingers pointed to overcrowding, drunken fans or a combination of the two that forced the moto to a sudden halt.

Froome’s hold on yellow looked to be in jeopardy but on the upside he’d just qualified for the Kenyan Olympic running team.

As the world waited on the judges’ decision Peter Sagan accepted his green jersey on a hundred gazillion points. In the post race interview he said, “for me it’s okay, for Chris Froome I don’t think so”.

The GC was still up in the air, the provisional result had Adam Yates in yellow and Froome in eighth. As we waited for the result Robbie and Tomo were in disbelief but with some time to kill there was no better time than to preview tomorrow’s individual time trail and marathon.

The wait dragged on and still no podium presso for the golden fleece. Bernard Hinault was there to help officiate but all he wanted to do was to get home to his cows.

Just before the meter ran out on the satellite feed, Tomo had word that Froome had hung on to yellow.

Condolences to the family and friends of the victims of the terrible attack in Nice on Bastille Day. 

Words fail me.

Stage 2 Saint-Lô / Cherbourg-en-Cotentin – A Bridge Too Far

Stage 2 and the peloton continued its tour of the Manche ‘departamount’ in Normandy on a slightly lumpy 183 km course between Saint-Lô and Cherbourg-en-Cotentin.

In the kitchen Gabs prepared a sumptuous scallop mousse with prawn sauce. No butter in the actual recipe, that’s reserved for buttering the soufflé bowls. Since there was no actual quantity specified may as well go all out and use the whole block, you can’t be too careful. This takes the buerremetric counter to 270g.

Being just across the channel from England they cop a fair bit of precipitation in this part of France and today was no exception.

On the way to the caravan of commentary Robbie McEwen stopped to have a chat with Tomo. Robbie looked like a drowned rat which had the couch peloton wondering what he’d been up to all morning. It’s only stage 2 of the Tour and I’m starting to worry about Robbie. Mattie, I’d be keeping him on a short leash if I were you.

I mean you don’t want Robbie to follow the example of Henk Vogels who we discovered had been out searching for the ‘filthiest piece of road.’

The breakaway of Paul Voss, Cesare Benedetti, Vegard Breen and Jasper Stuyven was on from the get-go in the soggy conditions. Thank goodness for space-age materials and breathable fabrics that make modern rain capes, according to Robbie like ‘water off a duck’s back.’

But it didn’t stop there, moist conditions played havoc with the moto cameras. The Vaseline smeared camera lens look is soooooo Giro d’Italia.

At the 60km mark Alberto Contador crashed again. This is not a great start for the Spaniard. But more disturbing was the sight of one of the Tinkie team mates appearing to eat the in-sole of Contador’s shoe after retrieving a new one from the team car. Mattie quipped it was a, “late lunch on the soul of Contador”. Er, maybe putting the Devil on the team roster wasn’t such a good idea after all.

And just what would Lucifer do when he got to what Robbie called ‘the Jesus bridge?’ Walk on water? That’s a bridge too far. To me Jesus bridge is the reaction to a bridge on a tight corner.

It might take a miracle for Porte to get back into the race.

Mattie and Robbie were caught at about 45km to go by Phil and Paul. Paul spotted a very impressive lighthouse which “can be seen at 90 miles per hour.” That’s one hell of a fast speed boat Paul.

Phil and Paul noted that German rider Tony Martin had stayed up late to watch Germany play in Euro 2016. They thought he looked a little tired. Now he knows how Aussie Tour fans feel.

As the peloton approached the finish Paul has appeared to have gone full Brexit by counting down exclusively in miles to go. He’ll be bringing out chains and furlongs pretty soon but it is a change from the completely daft ‘hectometres’.

Back to the race and the peloton eventually bridged the gap to the four breakies. Hats off to Jasper Stuyven (not ‘Peter Stuyvesant’, you can't say that on television) who’d turned himself inside out to stay at the front and was caught at just 500 metres (what’s that in furlongs?) to go.

The uphill finish made the stage look more like the finale to a Spring classic. Indeed classics veteran Alejandro Valverde was in amongst it along with Julian Alaphilippe but it was world road race champ Peter Sagan who ended his three year Tour stage win drought and claimed the golden fleece for the first time.

No joy for Tasmanian Richie Porte who had been cruising comfortably until ‘disaster’ struck when he punctured within 5 km to go. His cause wasn’t helped by the snail pace like wheel change effort from the neutral service. By the time Porte got moving again the front of the pack was already ripping the legs off each other.

Porte seems to be unable to shake off the grand tour curse – a puncture incident cruelled his chances at last year’s Giro. On that occasion he took a two minute penalty for accepting a wheel from Simon Gerrans. This time Porte finished almost two minutes down.

Of course it’s early days but Porte has a big job ahead, and needs a miracle, if wants to get anywhere near the podium in Paris.

Stage 1 Mont-Saint-Michel / Utah Beach Sainte-Marie-du-Mont - Yes! We Have No Bananas

Stage 1 and the Tour made the Grand Départ from the imposing Mont Saint Michel for the 188 km to Utah Beach on the Normandy coast.

SBS commentator Matt Keenan nervously checked his watch as his new side-kick Robbie McEwen came scuttling up to the caravan of commentary after doing Lord knows what just in time for the start.

Whatever it was Robbie was doing he noted that it was, “windy enough to blow off your beret.”

After the success of the Keenan/McEwen match up for the Giro d’Italia, I’m looking forward to hearing from the duo over the next three weeks.

No Grand Boucle is complete without full catering from Tour chef Gabriel Gaté. On the menu was roast rack of lamb with spring vegetables. The salt marshes around Mont Saint Michel are famous for its lamb – salt on the grass which the lambs graze on makes the meat flavoursome.

Local shepherds have been left scratching their heads wondering where all their lambs have disappeared to. If they find out what Gabs has been up to he’ll soon be on the lamb.

The dish opens the famous buerremetric counter at a modest 20g. Okay, it’s early days yet here’s a reminder of Gabs’ tweeted video statement from last year promising to make the 103^rd edition of the Tour, “the year of the butter.” I’ll be holding you to that Gabs and by the time we reach the Champs-Élysées, I expect to see the needle on the dial of the buerremetric counter right off the scale.

The lamb was a nice change for Gabs. For the past eight weeks he’s been run off his feet supplying candidates in the Australian Federal election with pork pies.

As it happened the quest for the golden fleece clashed with the race to The Lodge. Not once but twice SBS1 interrupted the Tour with crosses to the election special. Fortunately the Tour continued on SBS2 so we didn’t miss a thing but constantly being advised by Tomo to switch between SBS1 and SBS2 made it sound like an episode of the Thunderbirds.

Phil and Paul finally caught Matt and Robbie at the 49km to go mark and just like Gabs and his full catering no Tour is complete without the babbling stream of SherLiggettisms that makes up the three week soundtrack of inanity.

Speaking of babble we learned from Matt that race radio is indeed a babelfish that speaks many languages. It’s got French, English and Spanish down pat. It’s even been known to try and pick up a Chinese word or two. But when it comes to Mark Cavendish it’s completely bewildered by the Manx Missile.

Until yesterday's win at Utah Beach this is as close Cavendish got to yellow.

Back to the race and the mood of the peloton was ‘tense’ which is the new ‘nervous’ in race radio parlance. Beret-blowing crosswinds wreaked havoc and Alberto Contador was the first of the GC riders to crash leaving the Spaniard with a shoulder wound that made him look like an extra from Saving Private Ryan.

Contador avoided serious injury but ‘wearing road race from knee to shoulder’ is not what you want at the start of a three week GC campaign.

As the race headed toward the finish on the beaches of Normandy Paul thought he was in Geelong, near the Twisted Sisters, in the mansion in the sky. Poor Paul, he seems to have caught Phil’s poor sense of geography for anything beyond the front door.

Here’s a handy hint. Whatever you do, don’t ask Phil for directions to Simon Gerrans’ hometown of Mansfield – you could end up in two states looking for it.

The pilot fish got the sprinters organised for the fast and furious finish at D-Day landing site Utah Beach but not before it was time for the peloton to ‘reel in the fish’. This, surprisingly, came out of the mouth of Paul and not Phil who’s partial to angling analogies. You know how they say old married couples finish their partner’s sentences? Well Phil and Paul manage to deliver each other’s sentences from start to finish.

Marcel Kittel, Mark Cavendish, Peter Sagan and ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel were well and truly in the mix for the sprint to the line. The money was on Kittel but Cav managed to snatch his 27^th Tour stage win and claim yellow for the first time of his esteemed career.

In the post race interview the babelfish broke trying to decipher what he was saying. However, no translation required – the look on his face said it all.

Before I go no Tour would be complete without an official Tour song. Here’s a tune dedicated to the domestiques who flog themselves day-in day-out for 21 days for the captain. Every rider dreams of a stage win at the Tour and for many it will be THE highlight of their pro cycling career.

Team Sky’s Sergio Henao has had a great season winning the mountains classification and third overall at the Tour Down Under and second at the Vuelta al Pais Vasco. The Colombian looked to be in doubt for the Tour after irregularities in his biological passport lead Sky to suspend him. After expert analysis of his bloods he was cleared to ride for Sky at the end of May – which is just as well as it would have been back to the drawing board for the tune you’re about to see.

It’s based on the Crowded House classic ‘Don’t dream it’s over’ and because I was too lazy to think of an original title I’ve left it as is.

Don’t Dream It’s Over

The results are in

many rumours abound

Try to catch a trickle in a paper cup

In the mountains ahead

all could be lost

But you’ll never see a step of the podium

If you’re not travelling with me

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Now there’s a red car

the one with the hole in the roof

sticky bidons causing suspicion but there’s no proof

And will Bastille Day

belong to Romain Bardet

all the hopes of the French are pinned on this stage

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Now I’m pacing again

to the beat of a drum

And I’m counting Watts and the rate of my heart

Only breakies ahead

Sky’s protecting Froome

Avoiding all the crashes brings a feeling of relief

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Don’t let them win

Henao, Henao

Henao, Henao

Henao, Henao

Don’t let them win

Attacks come, attacks come

Henao, Henao (yeah)

Henao, Henao

Stage 3 Anvers / Huy - Hell in the North

Stage 3 and the Tour moved to Belgium for 159.5 km route from Anvers ( Antwerp) to Huy. The peloton set off with one thing in mind – the  finish at the top of the short but brutal Mur de Huy (literally Wall of Huy), the traditional hill finish of the one-day Spring classic La Fleche Wallonne.

The 1.3km climb doesn’t seem too hard on paper but in reality it’s a narrow twisting climb that kicks up very steeply on some of the corners. The other difficulty associated with the climb is how do you properly pronounce Mur de Huy? Is it ‘Murder Wee’, ‘Moody Wee’? I think we can settle on ‘Moo-do-Hooee’ as a bit of dairying goes on in the area.

Now that the Tour is in Belgium, Gabs thought the lads might be up for a serve of hot chips. Let’s face it, aren’t we all always up for a serve of hot chips? OK, maybe not for breakfast, that’s cold pizza, but you get the idea.

No butter in Gab’s recipe for Belgian fries, just sliced up spuds cooked in hot oil with some mayo to go with it. Anyway who cares about butter? They’re hot chips for goodness sake. The Buerremetric counter sits at 90g.

In contrast to the rain and wind of Zeeland, Belgium put on a lovely day in a part of the world more accustomed to gloomy skies and rain. The peloton looked relatively relaxed, probably with the relief of having survived a nasty day on the blustery Dutch coast.

Spartacus defiantly takes on the Mur de Huy

Just like over the border in Holland, Belgians are rather fond of their road furniture. So much so they took measures to protect it from the riders with tried and true hay bale safety barriers. Either that or they were expecting a large and hungry herd of livestock to follow the peloton.

It was also a lovely day for a bit of tractor field art. At the spring classics in Belgium we saw a lot of tractors at the roadside as part of a campaign by dairy farmers against the removal of EU milk quotas.

In some countries people take to bad street theatre whereas the Belgians seem to take to their tractors whenever they have a gripe against government. A spin off of this is a growing tractor field art movement and from what we saw the Belgians are getting quite good at it.

Phil and Paul discussed the various fashions of the peloton and couldn’t help but notice the change to the Tinkoff-Saxo kit. It’s certainly bright but can’t quite work out what’s the go with the camouflage pattern. Are the Tinkies part of Putin’s plans for an invasion of Ukraine?

Back to the race the peloton was setting a cracking pace when at around 55 km to go disaster struck where a touch of wheels sent riders crashing all over the road and into ditches.

White jersey leader Tom Dumoulin was the first to abandon with a shoulder injury. William Bonnet was out with a head injury.  OGE Simon Gerrans’ run of terrible luck continued with a broken wrist and teammate Daryl Impey also abandoned due a shoulder injury. This is huge blow for the OGEs who will go into the stage 9 team time trial with only seven riders.

The man in yellow Spartacus didn’t escape the mayhem either. He got up looking sore but got back on his bike and rode on - little did we know - with two broken vertebrae.

The crash resulted in the race being neutralised, then it was stopped for about ten minutes by officials as medics were dispatched to deal with the many wounded. Opinion was divided on whether the race should have been totally brought to a halt but given the amount of carnage out there it was probably the right decision.

The race was re-started and the riders were clearly shaken. The riders eventually settled down and the pace was back on. We could see Spartacus was hurting and he was going to hurt more climbing the Mur de Huy.

As the Mur de Huy loomed Phil saw riders ‘bubbling to the top of the pot’. I presume that’s the same as Matthew Keenan’s ‘cream rising to the top’.

On the climb up the Mur de Huy Chris Froome and Alberto Contador went head to head and then Joaquim Rodriguez bubbled over the top to pull away from Froome and ‘Purito’ (little cigar) was first across the line. No stage win cigar for Froome but he moved into yellow with a one second lead over Panzerwagen Tony Martin.

One by one the battered and grazed riders crossed the line and special applause was saved for Fabian Cancellara who was determined to finish the stage with a broken back rather than abandon on course. That’s Spartacus for you, always a fighter to the end.

Stage 1 Leeds / Harrogate - Ee by Gum, it's the Tour de France!

As sure as tax time, the Wimbledon final and dubious ‘Christmas in July’ events, the Tour de France has rolled around once more for the 101^st edition of the great race.

Gabriel Gate returned with his tenth Taste Le Tour series. He kicked off not with Yorkshire pudding as you might expect but with Rhubarb andStrawberry Fool. Apparently 80% of England’s rhubarb comes from the Yorkshire ‘rhubarb triangle’, not to be confused with the infamous Bermuda triangle or pedaling in triangles. The recipe fails to budge the Taste Le Tour ‘Beurremetric Counter’ (yes, it’s back) but what it lacks in butter is made up in mascarpone and whipped cream from the other end of the dairy cabinet.

198 riders from 22 teams lined up for the Grand Depart from Leeds, Yorkshire to Harrogate on 190.5km of narrow twisty dry stone wall lined roads typical of the Yorkshire countryside.

First day of a big occasion like Le Tour tends to bring out the nerves and the riders can thank their lucky stars race radio isn't tuned into SBS to jangle those nerves further. Yes that's right, every Tour fan’s favourite commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are back and while they weren’t commentating the scintillating dry stone wall action and blathering on about Jens Voigt’s age, they found the time to make some passing comment about a bike race that so rudely interrupted.

Paul pointed out that there’s even a festival event dedicated to the building of dry stone walls and you just know he’s going to go ape when he pops in on Sunday morning. I suspect though if these walls could talk they’d be saying, “Shut up Paul”.

If these walls could talk

The cow spotting in the hills and dales of Yorkshire was pretty abysmal. Have to hand this stage to the sheep who were out in vast numbers, some sporting leader jersey colours. You could say they are the real dyed-in-the-wool Tour fans. And the explanation for the profusion of mouton? This could either be the result of a secret breeding program or the people of Yorkshire paid Somali pirates to hijack a livestock ship bound for the Middle East.

Yorkshire looked gorgeous and no one’s quite sure if it was the rare sunshine or the Tour that accounted for the enormous turn out of spectators. Paul observed (because he counted them) there were Super Bowl sized crowds in every town along the route. Thankfully no wardrobe malfunctions in the peloton and Wills made doubly sure Kate was properly dressed for Yellow jersey presso.

Tour officials also made doubly sure the Orica-GreenWEDGE team bus was parked well away from the finish line. It was the sprinter’s time to shine and didn’t disappoint in a thrilling finish that saw Marcel Kittel (Giant-Shimano) take the stage and yellow.

No word on whether Mark Cavendish (Mega Farmer-Quick Stop) will race who blamed no one but himself for a crash short of the finish line that also took down Simon Gerrans (Orica-GreenWEDGE). Gerro seems OK apart from bruises and some lost skin but I suspect the Liege-Bastogne-Liege winner will be giving stage 2 a real nudge with the help of his team mates.

Before I go I’ll leave you with a song I penned in honour of the great race and to ordinary riders everywhere.

Rollands (to the tune of Lorde’s Royals)

I’ve never seen a maillot jaune in the flesh

I’ve counted teeth on elliptical rings – in the movies

And I’m not proud of my progress

Just out of town, got dropped at Epping

But every rides like cog teeth, don’t chute, Sammy and his gold shoes

Blood stains, bidons, chasing down Chris Froome

We don’t care, we’re riding Cannondales in our dreams

But everybody’s like skin suits, gel packs, directeur in your earpiece

Team cars, extension bars, chamois cream in the butt crease

They don’t care, they’re not caught up in your cycling love affair.

And we’ll never be a Rollands (Rollands)

They’ll never test our blood

That kind of ride just ain’t for us

We crave a coffee buzz

Let me be your rouleur (rouleur)

Or super domestique

And baby I’ll roul, I’ll roul, I’ll roul

Let me live that fantasy.

My friends and I hit the frog and toad

We don’t count watts like the Sky train, we party

And everyone who knows us knows that where fine with this

We don’t ride for money.

But every rides like cog teeth, don’t chute, Sammy and his gold shoes

Blood stains, bidons, chasing down Chris Froome

We don’t care, we’re riding Cannondales in our dreams

But everybody’s like skin suits, gel packs, directeur in your earpiece

Team cars, extension bars, chamois cream in the butt crease

They don’t care, they’re not caught up in your cycling love affair.

And we’ll never be a Rollands (Rollands)

They’ll never test our blood

That kind of ride just ain’t for us

We crave a coffee buzz

Let me be your rouleur (rouleur)

Or super domestique

And baby I’ll roul, I’ll roul, I’ll roul

Let me live that fantasy.

Ooh, ooh, oh

We’re bigger than we ever dreamed

And we’re in love with the cycling scene

Ooh, ooh, oh

Life is great without a care

They aren’t caught up in your cycling love affair.

And we’ll never be a Rollands (Rollands)

They’ll never test our blood

That kind of ride just ain’t for us

We crave a coffee buzz

Let me be your rouleur (rouleur)

Or super domestique

And baby I’ll roul, I’ll roul, I’ll roul

Let me live that fantasy.

Stage 3 Ajaccio / Calvi – Au Revoir I'île de Beauté

And so Le Tour has completed the final Corsican stage before saying au revoir to the ‘l'île de Beauté’. It won’t be easy getting to Nice on the French mainland. The logistics of Le Tour are mindblowing for starters. Moving the whole show requires more planes, ships, hardware and boots on the ground than for the D-Day landings or a Pink Floyd stadium concert.

To give you more of a sense of the importance of Le Tour consider this clever observation from commentator Paul Sherwin. If you take out events held every four years like the World Cup and the Olympics then the Tour de France is the biggest annual sporting event in the world. The man’s a genius.

The riders took a novel approach to getting off the island by commandeering every available flying dinghy. Soon they were airborne in a tightly packed peloton/flotilla/squadron/armada above the Mediterranean. Flocks of seagulls were the main hazard but this was a welcome change to traffic furniture. Must have been a sight to behold. Eyewitnesses in Nice initially reported what appeared to be a gigantic swarm of midges heading toward the coast.

Le Tour packs up before heading to Nice

Before their flight Gabriel Gate prepared Poulet Marengo auxOlives, a dish created by Napoleon Bonaparte’s cook after 'the little corporal' got sick of 'Chicken Tonight'. Again, no butter. If this continues the Beurremetric counter is facing early retirement.

Earlier in the day the riders completed the 145.5 km stage from Ajaccio, birthplace of Napoleon, to the beautiful town of Calvi. This time the final 10 kms were drama free. However, in typical style the carrots (Euskaltel – Euskadi) spent more time on the road than above it.

There were more sightings of morph suits on the parcours prompting a bit of Benny Hill chase music from the SBS troll DJ. This has become a topic discussed at length in the tour caravan and would like your thoughts addressing the question ‘are morph suits the new mankini?’

In welcome news for Orica-GreenWEDGE, Aussie Simon Gerrans took out the stage in a thrilling photo finish. The prize money couldn’t have come at a better time. It should cover those aircon unit repairs on the team bus with enough change for a couple of slabs for the lads. And to the relief of the podium women and tour organisers, green jersey winner Peter Sagan (Cannondale) managed to behave himself.