Stage 5 Vittel / La Planche des Belles Filles - Aru All Smiles

Stage 5 of the Tour kicked off under sunny skies but a cloud of controversy over yesterday’s disqualification of Peter Sagan over that elbow knock to Mark Cavendish. Perhaps for the Manx Missile it was a bit of ‘what goes around, comes around’ with his history of playing rough in the sprint. Many fans and commentators were of the opinion that Sagz should have been disqualified for the stage but not kicked out of the Tour altogether.

The takeaway from all this folks is just don’t play rough in the sprint, someone’s going to catch you one day.

While we’re on the topic of takeaway, Robbie and Mattie were still fielding questions about how riders answer the call of nature. Again, without too much information, they explained what Mattie called a ‘takeaway nature break’, the nature break you take without stopping. I guess that makes sense when you order a coffee to go.

From the start an eight rider breakaway got away including seasoned riders Edvald Boasson Hagen, birthday boy Philippe Gilbert, Thomas De Gendt and ‘French housewives’ favourite’ Thomas Voeckler.

Jan Bakelants was in the breakaway too and much had been made of derogatory comments he made about podium women prior to the Tour. He apologised for the remarks but he won’t be able to play it down for some time yet. Interestingly I seemed to keep hearing Matt and Robbie call him ‘Bugalugs’. I’ll pay that, from now on its Jan Bugalugs.

As the peloton passed through Saint-Loupe-Sur-Semouse, Mattie noted it’s claim to fame was furniture production, hence the town is known as the ‘city of furniture’, not to be confused with ‘cities of road furniture’, which is just about everywhere else in Europe.

Ad watch: by now it’s hard to escape the Skoda ad doing the rounds (it’s a major sponsor of the Tour de France). At first we thought it was clever, playing on the car company’s slogan ‘simply clever’. It features the co-inventor of wifi pondering who was behind inventions and innovations such as the traffic light and who came up with roasting coffee beans. It’s starting to wear thin by now and I have a question - annoying ads on high rotation, who was the inventor?

From what I’ve heard these Skodas are pretty good and maybe it’s time for Robbie to ditch the old Citroen – all Mattie could smell on the long steep drive up to La Planche des Belle Filles was clutch.

Fabio Aru opens up on La Planche des Belles Filles

Troll DJ had been a little quiet, suggesting the Spotify subscription had run out. Once again my request went unanswered, that being anything by Elbow...

At the intermediate sprint Boasson Hagen got the points, which was wonderful.

It wasn’t long before the riders were, according to Mattie, "getting their tickets ready for business class at the pointy end".

Thomas Voeckler grabbed a bidon from the team car to cool off and performed all his checks for take-off;

Sunnies?

Check.

Gel?

Check.

Tongue?

Check.

Philippe Gilbert was enjoying his birthday breakaway and as the group headed uphill ‘blew out the candles and went for the cake’ taking Bugalugs with him.

Inevitably the attacks came and riders where being dropped left right and centre. The Skybots reeled in Bugalugs and Gilbert and with a quick hug their day was done.

At 2.4km to go Fabio Aru launched his attack with Chris Froome, Dan Martin, the twelve year old Romain Bardet and our own Richie Porte hot on his heels.

Aru proved too strong and soloed to his first Tour stage victory. The Sardinian couldn’t contain his huge smile and according to Mattie had his, “mouth wide open like a flip-top head for a toothbrush commercial”.

Geraint Thomas handed over the golden fleece to fellow Skybot Froome and Porte moved up to fifth.

No doubt Froome will be doing everything to stay in yellow all the way to Paris but it’s early days and there are many more battles to come.

Stage 4 Mondorf-les-Bains / Vittel - Vittel not to be for Kittel

Stage 4 and the riders rolled out of Mondorf-les-Bains on the 207km ‘transitional stage’ through the beautiful Lorraine region to the town of Vittel.

We’ve come to know’ transitional stage’ to mean ‘boring AF’with long flat roads and a bunch sprint at the end. But the sun was out and finally started to feel like summer.

Right from the start Wanty-Group Gobert’s Guillaume Van Keirsbulck went out on a solo ‘suicide breakaway’ with the peloton happy to let him go. Robbie and Keeno explained that being a new comer to the tour (Wanty-Group Gobert secured a wild card entry) the Belgian team would have lots of  TV time and free advertising. That’s one explanation, perhaps Van Keirsbulck just wanted to be first to the post-race massage table.

Back in the kitchen Gabs was baking Nancy’s chocolate cake (we must thank Nancy for the recipe). The recipe calls for 125g of butter so I’ve brought back the buerremetric counter to record a total of 935g of butter so far this Tour.

But being the 4^th July American cuisine was the order of the day, so out came the burgers and hotdogs which was a blessed relief from the 2 minute noodles of the day before. I was surprised to hear that Matt and Robbie are not fed by Gabs but by caterers of US broadcaster NBC.

And while we’re on the topic of food and drink, Robbie described the ‘Karotewasser’ of the Lorraine region. Apparently this rather strange practice dated back to medieval times where knights errant would dunk the local porous carrots into black tea. Mate, I think someone on Wikipedia or in Russia is having a lend of you Robbie, FAKE NEWS!!!

Speaking of carrots, Robbie waxed lyrical about the ‘crash carrots’ of the now defunct Basque Euskaltel Euskadi team, famous for their bright orange jerseys and habit of spending more time off the bike sprawled across the road than actual racing. Because of this it was safer to have them behind you than in front.

Later in the stage Matt and Robbie revealed which Tour riders they pretended to be when they were children (yes, really). Obviously an Euskaltel Euskadi rider was not one of them.

Sagz be like.

Troll DJ was busting out the tunes and The Smiths 'This Charming Man' was an obvious choice. Sadly, my request for Creedence Clearwater Revival's 'Have You Ever Seen Lorraine?’ went unanswered.

Later Troll DJ was trolled itself by a roadside random dad band belting out The White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’. Nice one dads.

There were no new McKeenanisms of note but as nod to the Sherliggetts Matt dropped a 'job of work' describing the massive restoration effort on Toul's Cathedral of Saint-Etienne in the 1980s.

It wouldn't be the Tour without the famous fields of sunflowers and at 89km to we had our first sighting of the tournesol, which happened to be right near a huge solar panel power station. Well I’ll be, a tournesolar power station!

Time seemed to be today’s theme, which appeared to just drag on. There was some impressive clock field art which also featured a tractor, combine harvester and sheep followed up by the vary impressive ‘calendar château’ of Château de Haroué in Nancy with its 365 windows, 52 fireplaces etc. (Robbie challenged the couch peloton to guess how many chimneys).

The riders approached the home of bottled water and Tour sponsor Vittel. I wonder just how much Vittel paid for the naming rights for the town of Vittel?

Van Keirsbulck was inevitably caught by the peloton after his huge solo effort at 16km to go, then it was time for the sprinters to get organised for the charge into Vittel.

Robbie cautioned about the hazards of a narrow departmental roads and potholed arse-fault on the shoulder. He added, "there's a real bottle neck in the centre of Vittel". We saw what you did there Robbie.

A crash within 2km to the finish saw current yellow jersey holder Geraint Thomas hit the deck. Fortunately he was okay, not so for Mark Cavendish who was elbowed into the barrier by Peter Sagan. 

Frenchman Arnaud Demare emerged victorious, Cavendish withdrew with a broken shoulder blade and in a dramatic decision that will divide cycling fans for years to come (on social media anyway), Sagz was kicked out of the Tour.

Whoever said transitional stages were boring?

Stage 2 Düsseldorf / Liège - Kittel Cuts The Mustard

Stage 2 and the Tour farewelled Düsseldorf as the circus headed to Liège in Belgium. The rain that marred the stage 1 time trial persisted into Sunday making the rain jacket the choice item of clothing.

Meanwhile Gabs checked out the German town of Monschau near the border with Belgium. Monschau’s claim to fame is mustard and no doubt the riders will be hoping they cut the mustard to last all the way to Paris.

Trout with butter and buttery biscuits were on the menu so Gabs is going out hard this Tour and it’s clear to see it’s not just the French who love ‘die Butter’. With so much butter in the recipes you’re going to need two, no, make that three blocks of butter which takes the buerremetric counter to 810g.

Out on the course and there was no let up from the rain which dampened the field art efforts.  By 'effort' I don’t mean much more than people walking around in circles forming moving bike wheels, however there was one exceptional piece of Neanderthal field art.

Still it seemed the German field art creators were resigned to 'hey, we’re mediocre at this, but cut us some slack, it's raining'. I don’t think Robbie has quite come to grips with the field art concept and called one piece a ‘dancing sign board’.

A condiment that matches the jersey.

The rain caused more havoc out on the road with Richie Porte and Chris Froome crashing but didn’t lose time. With conditions so slippery Robbie advised to avoid the white lines, good advice kids if you don’t want to fail the doping control.

A feature of the SBS coverage are the vignettes with the riders. Mark Cavendish and Taylor Phinney featured and the race radio bablefish inexplicably blew up trying to translate the Manx Missile. In perhaps the biggest sporting understatement of the year Phinney said he's going to be 'riding his bike a lot'.

The day’s McKeenanism jersey goes to Robbie. Thomas Voeckler is often described as the ‘French housewives’ choice’, to Robbie he’s 'the man of the hanging out tongue'.

But the points go to, "when the wheat is being harvested and the corn is head high the Tour is done". Not sure if Robbie took inspiration from ‘when the corn is high as an elephant’s eye’ from the Oklahoma! tune ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Morning’ or ‘corn’s too high to see which way we should go’ from Dylan Scott’s ‘Turn Rows’.

The number of American riders at the Tour has not gone unnoticed. In fact they can be counted on  the one hand of a three-toed sloth. Er, that didn’t quite make sense, but never mind. But when you compare three riders to Australia’s nine we are punching well above our weight.

Then there’s tiny New Zealand with four. Robbie noted Kiwi riders are ‘cut from good cloth’ and you have to pay that.

The weather had improved somewhat by the time the riders reached Liège and Marcel Kittel emerged from the bunch sprint to claim his tenth stage victory. Hats off to Kittel, as a sprinter he really does cut the mustard.

Stage 17 Berne / Finhaut-Emosson - A Sweet Win for Zakarin

Stage 17 and the Tour resumed from the final rest day for 184.5 km ride to the mountains from Berne to Finhaut-Emosson in Switzerland.

With another hot day forecast, Gabs prepared a cool and refreshing cucumber and smoked trout terrine with some trout caught by Phil that morning. To smoke the fish Phil improvised by converting the caravan of commentary into a smoker by placing the time trial hot seat in there with some cuckoo clock wood shavings.

No butter in the recipe and with only a handful of stages remaining Gabs’ vow to make this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is looking very shaky indeed.

The rest day was largely a relaxed affair with the riders cooling off with a dip in the Aare River that runs through Berne.

With the Olympics just around the corner it was time for some riders to take stock and consider whether to push on to Paris. Mark Cavendish answered the call from the British selectors to come home and Rohan Dennis called it quits.

When we joined the caravan of commentary the race was well and truly on. Warren Barguil was spotted sporting a torn-look jersey. Was he making a fashion statement? No, turned out he was involved in a crash with Borut Bozic, and Gorka Izagirre and the road surface, which acted like a grater on breathable fabric and skin.

The scenery was incredible with many oohs and aahs from the couch peloton. Switzerland, you hot mess of a country you!

If you thought the mountains were spectacular, the waterfalls (or cascades) were equally impressive – just don’t go chasing them, save the chasing for the breakaway. Oh yeah, whatever you do don’t go standing under La Cascade de Pissevache...

With a big cat. 1 and hors categorie climbs ahead, Robbie reflected on how difficult a mountain stage was in the final week of the Tour. To Robbie it was like, “you look down at your legs and all you’ve got is two barbecued sausages”. Now I’m not sure if he was referring to severe sunburn, legs burning red hot with lactic acid or a hunger induced meat-o-vision hallucination like in the cartoons.

Cooked

The Ps made their catch at 36 km to go and came across some very impressive precision crop circles at Valais. Paul thought a farmer must have used a GPS guided tractor. The Swiss are known for precision but the execution of the lines and circles looked TOO precise for GPS.

Phil talked about his time when he encountered the famous canine breed the Saint Bernard. He had difficulty controlling them, they kept running away and rescuing people buried in snow and wouldn’t sit still long enough for Phil to pour a brandy from the barrel under its chin.

The riders reached cat. 1 Col de la Forclaz. Tony Gallopin went on the attack in the desperate hope he could try and get a French stage win. Alexey Lutsenko went solo but Rafal Majka made it first to the summit hoovering up more KOM points. Jarlinson Pantano was riding with the pride of Colombia on his shoulders for their national day and went over the top with Majka.

Back in the GC group on the Forclaz, Tejay van Garderen was dropped with all hope of a high finish in Paris gone. Post race he said he had no excuses. Phil and Paul thought he was suffering what Paul calls a ‘strange reaction’ to the rest day. Whatever it was in the end it was I beg your pardon, I never promised you a van Garderen.

Vincenzo Nibali nursed his protégé Fabio Aru up the climbs and I can’t seem to shake this disturbing image of a grown man attached to one of Nibali’s nipples.

Diego Rosa played a role as a booster rocket for Aru but was ejected when the job was done. Meanwhile Katusha rider Ilnur Zakarin was rocketing up the final climb to Finhault-Emosson.

Riding for Colombian on its own wasn’t going to do it for Pantano. Russian Zakarin has his bags packed for Rio but still doesn’t know if he’s going.

Zakarin crossed the line to win his first stage at the Tour and even I was exhausted just watching that uphill drag to the line in the final couple of hundred metres.

Back in the GC group with van Garderen gone it was up to Richie Porte to take the lead for BMC. Froome latched on to his wheel and Porte was working for Froome. Again.

All eyes were on Nairo Quintana with time running out for a Paris podium finish. CANtana do it? Adam Yates, Romain Bardet, Aru and Louis Meintjes had other ideas and left Quintana in their wake. Adam Yates must have been inspired by the ‘Yates You Can’ slogans that have been painted on the roads throughout the Tour. Sadly, for Quintana this Tour is shaping up to be CAN’Tana.

Froome increased his lead over Bauke Mollema to 02’ 27”. It’s going to be tough for anyone to try and pare back that lead.

When you’re out of gas in the final week of the Tour it’s a loooong walk to the next petrol station in the mountains.

Stage 14 Montélimar / Villars-les-Dombes Parc des Oiseaux - Cav Flying High On Win Number 30

Stage 14 and the Tour headed north on a flat 208.5 km route from Montélimar to Villars-les-Dombes Parc des Oiseaux.

Gabs prepared a cream cheese and herb dip and the riders were bemused that all they were getting was some crackers and dip. No butter either and the peloton banged their tin cups in unison until Tour organisers brought in pizzas and garlic bread (at least there’s butter in that).

The dip was a delicious starter though, mind you, the riders watched each other like hawks so there was no double dipping.

The winds of the past two days continued to blow down the Rhone Valley. A strong headwind slowed down the riders until Jeremy Roy, Alex Howes, Martin Elmiger and Cesar Cenedetti broke free. For the most part though the peloton took it easy with some big mountains coming up in Switzerland.

It was time for Robbie and Tomo from the caravan of commentary to let their hair down a little and put together a blooper reel set to the Troll DJ classic ‘Manamana’. Henk is reported to be filthy about it.

Back to the race and Robbie spotted a unique chateau that took one man 30 years to build. All materials were locally sourced which happened to be mostly be snails and rocks. Yep, you can’t get those materials down at Bunnings.

Robbie was dissecting the art of the bidon toss. He stressed it was important to throw bidons toward the kids at the side of the road and not at them and it’s probably best to check they’re not full either.

The domestiques scooped up the musettes as they passed through the feed zone. They looked quite colourful. I wonder if there’s a Bertie the Beetle feedbag? And by that I’m not talking about a feedbag of steak but one with a few chocolate beetles and a plastic thing. Go for the premium 40 euro bag and you also get a voucher for a hotdog and bottle of water at Euro Disneyland. They sell out really quickly – Oleg goes and buys them all for his Tinkies because he can.

British Olympic team selectors on the phone to Cav

The French broadcasters ran an educational film on how the Tour does its bit for the environment, which is mostly picking up rubbish. Okay, it isn’t exactly saving island nations in the Pacific from drowning kind of stuff but we don’t want the environment clogged with Bertie Beetle wrappers do we?

Robbie has been working on his French and since the Tour would be arriving at a bird park (Parc des Oiseaux) here was a chance to expand his vocabulary. Robbie thought ‘wazoo’ was French for a stork and then learned it was French for bird. Technically Robbie was correct, a stork is a bird, but totally wrong at the same time.

Mattie and Robbie discussed Julian Alaphilippe’s remarkable escape from major injury in the previous day’s time trial. The Frenchman was barrelling along when a gust wind blew him into a rock face at the side of the road. He walked away with just a scratch and a couple of bruises. We’ll never know what Julian was thinking as he flew off that rock face but I reckon he was probably shrieking ‘merde!’

Phil and Paul made their catch and couldn’t stop talking about their morning at the wazoo park. They had a ball, a real highlight of the Tour and it couldn’t have been any better unless it was a dry stone wall festival.

The Ps noted the park was a delight for the working media covering the Tour, unless you happen to suffer ornithophobia of course.

Paul was particularly interested in the varieties of African species in the park. Hornbills, storks and his favourite, pink flamingos, were all there - except for the Abyssinian ground hornbill. Wow, Paul REALLY knows his hornbills.

Oh yes, there are penguins too, but sadly, no puffins.

Back on the road and the riders pedalled though fields of sunflowers or tournesols to the delight of the couch peloton. About time too, Tour organisers have really had to make up for the dearth of tournesols last year.

Down at the business end of the race the last of the two breakies Elmiger and Roy shook hands before being swallowed up by the bunch at around 3 km to go.

On the sprint to the line Marcel Kittel misfired as Mark Cavendish sailed past him to notch up his fourth win at this Tour and made it Tour stage victory number 30.

With four wins at this Tour and a week of mountains ahead it might be time to call it quits to get ready for Rio. Something tells me British Olympic team selectors are on the phone to Cav already.

Stage 7 L'Isle-Jourdain / Lac de Payolle - Cummings Escapes Arch Rivals to Solo Win

Stage 7 and the Tour has reached the Pyrenees for a weekend in the mountains. At 162.5 km the route was shorter than what the peloton had become accustomed too but factor in the climbs and it’s still a long day in the saddle.

Over in the hot Tour kitchens Gabs was preparing a ‘comforting French winter dish’ of lamb and bean casserole. A bit unusual in the middle of summer in the south of France but Gabs thought a hearty dish would help the riders get through the mountains.

At last, the buerremetric counter made a move from back in stage 3 with the addition of 20g of butter taking it to 540g. Looks like the online petition from the peloton worked this time.

Out on the road and the 12 man early breakaway carrying Peter Sagan and Mark Cavenish was eventually reeled in by the peloton at the 43 km mark.

As we were joined by the caravan of commentary team Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen, the riders passed what looked like a hot air balloon getting ready for lift off. Finally, a real hot air balloon you can throw out the sandbags from to gain height! On closer inspection it turned out to be not a hot air balloon just Phil and Paul doing their commentary warm up.

Being a Friday afternoon the staff from French TV were staggering about and rather clumsily pouring out glasses of wine for themselves and for the commentary and media teams assembled at the finish. Robbie was tempted but thought he might have a quite vino or two after the race. Best to lay off the booze at that time of day, things were already getting a bit messy out there and there’d already been an ugly incident over at the Eurosport commentary caravan.

Troll DJ turned on the music busting out the classic ‘Bicycle Race’. What? It’s the Queen stage already? That’s usually reserved for the final week of the Tour.

Robbie and Mattie were chewing the fat over how many of the riders in the peloton speak English. Robbie thought it would be most, except for Tony Martin, “who doesn’t speak much in any language” but is, “fluent in 54-11”. Enough said.

Just before Robbie and Mattie were caught the peloton passed a field art bicycle with a back wheel that imploded when it came into view of the Tour chopper.

Phil and Paul made their catch at 4 km earlier than on previous stages so they must have either had the hammer down or melting ‘arsephalt’ slowed Robbie and Mattie down.

Paul saw an old abbey that was once badly damaged during the French Revolution but had been ‘severely’ reconstructed. Not sure about that Paul, it didn’t look like the work of brutalist architects from here.

Phil and Paul were anticipating a battle between the GC contenders on the final climb of the day on the ‘slopes of the S bend’. Paul was particularly worried about a sharp corner on the Col d’S bend, but bends don’t have corners, oh never mind.

A large leading group of 29 men had formed and at 39 km to go Matti Breschel, Antoine Duschesne and Dani Navarro popped out the front of the now splintered group, which Phil called the ‘three carrots’. There was some misty-eyed reminiscing about the now defunct Team Carrot but fortunately the trio didn’t crash out.

The carrot reference may have meant they were the carrot to a hungry chasing bunch of donkeys. It was clear from Tour boundary rider Jens Voigt that there was no stick driving the peloton, however, the Skybots were ‘burning matches’.

The collapse of the flamme rouge deflates the spirit of the peloton.

Steve Cummings made his way up to the carrots and took of rather suddenly at 27km to go. Was the move reckless? All the carrots had to say was, “this is really something”.

The chase was on from Vincenzo Nibali, GVA, Dani Navarro and Daryl Impey. Cummings ascended the Col d’S bend minus the sandbags and it was soon apparent there was no way this fish would be reeled in.

Further down the slopes Phil saw Dominico, ‘Pots of Eno’, ‘Pots of Evo’ (we suspect Phil may have had one or two glasses of vino) make a little move, and thanks to Phil, Dominico Pozzovivo is now clearly ahead of Vincenzo Nibali in the how-many-ways-can-we-mangle-a-surname competition.

As Cummings soloed to the finish, Paul said, ‘the champagne will be in short supply”. Yeah, we kind of figured that judging from the commentary.

Steve Cummings crossed the line and what a ride! He knows not to throw stones but certainly knows when it’s time to throw out the sandbags.

It wasn’t time to celebrate on the dregs of the champagne yet, the rest of the riders had to come home and just as Adam Yates from OBE (ORICA-BikeExchange) approached the 1 km to go flamme rouge inflatable arch, it punctured, causing Yates to chute leaving his face bleeding.

Chaos ensued as the peloton tried to work its way through the flaccid arch like it was some kind tactile interactive art installation.

The motos stopped to lend a hand, God knows when neutral service would show up and we all know how hopelessly slow they are at dealing with punctures.

Until race organisers launch an investigation we can only speculate on what caused the red kite to deflate. Was it a stone or a piece of glass? Was it a simple case of the generator running out of petrol? No, blame it on the EU, it gets blamed for particularly everything else.

The couch peloton drew comparisons with the infamous OGE (Orica-GreenEDGE) bus incident back in stage 1 of the 2013 Tour de France which featured in the very first edition of Le Wrap. Makes you wonder about what it is with OGE/OBE and gantries/red kites at or near the finish line.

Stage 6 Arpajon-sur-Cère / Montauban - Cav Pips Kitteh to Claim Lion's Share

Stage 6 and the peloton headed further south toward the Pyrenees on a flat 190.5 km route from Arpajon-sur-Cère to Montauban.

Gabs checked the Météo-France weather forecast and it was going to be a warm one so he decided to make a delicious cold treat for the peloton - coffee parfait with prunes in Armagnac.

Well, the coffee parfait does look delicious and is made from cream and I’m sure a health conscious peloton will appreciate the prunes soaked in Armagnac to help keep them regular, but this is the third day without butter.

Gabs, do not think for one minute the riders haven’t noticed. There are rumours some are considering starting up an online petition demanding the return ‘of the butter’. OUCH!!

As the riders set off and Yukiya Arashiro and Jan Barta took off from the front.

In the caravan of commentary, Robbie was shooting the breeze about how the kids always ask dads riding in the Tour to bring home a couple of stuffed lions – not a real one from a despicable canned-hunting safari but the plush toy awarded to the day’s yellow jersey winner. You simply can't buy these in a souvenir shop because, according to Robbie, “the only way to get one of these lions? Suffering”.

Mattie and Robbie thought this stage would be one for the ‘pure sprinters’. This implies there are impure sprinters lurking in the peloton, so WADA had better get on to that.

Robbie rated Bling's chances in the sprint. He felt Michael Matthews lacked the support of the OBE team to throw everything at picking up a stage win. That said, Robbie thought Bling would ride a top five finish but against the calibre of sprinters today they were, "going to come by at such a rate they'll suck his helmet off". Robbie!!! This is a family show!!!

While Arashiro and Barta were left to fry in the heat, the peloton was content to keep it at coffee ride tempo - that or the ‘arsephalt’ that was starting to melt in the heat was sucking the tyres down into the road surface slowing it down.

Unexpectedly Troll DJ went out early with Kraftwerk’s ‘Tour de France’. This, as the couch peloton observed, is usually reserved for the final day of the Tour. Troll DJ likes to keep the mix fresh by mixing up the mix a little. There are a few more Kraftwerk tunes to draw on but I suspect the Troll DJ is keeping the powder dry on ‘The Robots’.

The only trophy lion we want to see.

Mattie opened the day’s drinking game account with the three-shooter, “Chris Froome was born in Africa but races under a British licence”.

Mattie and Robbie speculated on who of the sprinters would win the stage. The big names would be there like Cav and Greipel but they thought Bryan Coquard would be in with a chance - but against the class of Marcel Kittel, Coquard would find the competition a little stiffer.

Robbie was rummaging in the ‘Ask Robbie’ mail bag and the question came up about oddly shaped chain rings on some of the bikes. They are supposed to 'kill the dead spots’ on each pedal stroke maximising efficiency. However, Robbie said he tried them once and is not a fan of ‘oblong’ chain rings, which sound like they’re more suited to pedalling in squares.

And the question came up as to why Thomas Voeckler was awarded the most combative prize in stage 3 and not Armindo Fonseca. Robbie and Mattie thought it was because he had a few mates on the judging panel, but the real reason Voeckler ended up with the most combative was because there was a mix up with the best gurning prize.

Not a lot happened on the road, however, the spectacular scenery of the route more than made up for the relative boredom of the stage. One couple passed the time with a game of chess on a spectacular outcrop. How they got up there with road bikes is anyone’s guess – scale the cliff face? Perhaps they got a heli drop from a Tour chopper?

Robbie and Mattie were caught by the Ps at 50.5 km to go. Phil spotted a perfectly executed crop circle in the shape of a bicycle. He wondered how the farmers do their crop art at ground level. Well Phil, it’s not the farmers you know...

While we’re on the topic of extraterrestrials, are we sure they were just bottles and not an alien trying to burst out of the back of a Tinkie domestique under his jersey?

With the breakies caught at 22 km to go, the riders started to pick up the pace as they headed toward Montauban. There was some tricky road furniture to navigate on the run in and at one point riders went around an onion shaped roundabout. Better not let Tony Abbott see that.

Paul was looking out for the green jersey on the shoulders of Peter Sagan. He said, “it’s easy to spot the green jersey”. Well yes, we presume, obviously, because it’s green and the other jerseys around it are not.

On the run to the finish the lead-out men got the big men ready for the sprint to the line. All eyes were on Kitteh but it was, “Cavendish, the Manx Missile, [who] scores another direct hit”. Well played Phil, well played.

This makes it three stage wins for Cav at this Tour and 29 Tour stage wins in total. He's had the lion's share of stage wins so far this Tour but it will be GVA bringing home more than one stuffed lion for the kid.

Stage 4 Saumur / Limoges - Hello Kitteh!

Stage 4 and it was another long day in the saddle as the peloton made its way south 237.5 km to Limoges in search of warmer climes.

Gabs was slaving over a hot stove preparing a hearty beef shin stew with carrots. But something was missing from the recipe. I must have gone over it ten times but alas, no butter! Hmm, stage 4 and Gabs’ commitment to making this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is starting to look a little shaky.

Tuning into the race it looked like it might have shaped up to be a carbon copy of yesterday’s Sunday coffee ride but only longer. As it turned out the peloton had stepped on the gas like holiday makers trying to make it to the campsite by sundown.

In the caravan of commentary Robbie joined Mattie and extolled the benefits of a wine or two after a hard day on the road. He cautioned that if you drink too much of it you’ll reach the 'tipping point', so it pays to drink wisely if you’re relying on a cheeky red as a recovery aid.

We’re not quite at the first quarter mark of the Tour and already Mattie’s thoughts are with next year’s edition. He noted that German cycling, particularly in the form of sprint stars ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel and Marcel Kittel (or ‘Kitteh’ as he is affectionately known) had come a long way in recent years. So much so that next year’s Grand Départ is from the German city of ‘Doozledorf’. That pronunciation was a bit of a doozy from Mattie but there’s still enough time to brush up on the Deutsch.

The peloton wound its way through the countryside and along side the rivers of the region. Some people in yellow boats formed the outline of a pilot fish for Phil. Field art is quite common at the Tour but occasionally there is some river art, which should never be attempted with a tractor.

Mattie and Robbie were discussing KOM leader Jasper Stuyven. As it turns out he runs a chocolate shop with his uncle and they’ve been busy turning out polka dot jersey choccies. Stuyven rides for Trek-Segafredo. I wonder if they do coffee in the chocolate shop as well?

Troll DJ busted out some of Blur’s ‘Country House’. Riders weren’t at full gas but would soon be a blur when the sprint got going.

Speaking of sprinters, at the stage 3 podium presso five time champion Bernard Hinault shook Cav’s hand, not to congratulate him on equalling his record of tour stage wins, but to seal a deal for Cav to buy the Limousin cow that belonged to Robbie. Robbie said he saw it in the butchers early that morning. Now we know where Gabs got the beef shin from.

The day’s route to the south showcased the many lovely towns and historical monuments the region has to offer. Mattie and Robbie spotted a pagoda, which made a nice change from boring chateaux.

Phil and Paul caught Matt and Robbie as the riders approached a ‘radioactive’ lake. I don’t think you’d want to take a rod down there, there’s a chance you might just catch a glow-in-the-dark three-eyed pilot fish. If fishing’s not your thing you can, according to Paul, still ‘practice water sports’ there.

The P’s reflected on the long career of the man known as ‘the eternal second’ French cyclist Raymond Poulidor. He’d finished on the podium a record eight times but never at the top. He’s here at the Tour as a yellow jersey ambassador, which is ironic since he never won the race overall.

At the age of 80 ‘Poupou’ is still well recognised in France and as Phil noted he can’t even eat a grapefruit in peace without old ladies poking at him.

Back to the race and the SherLiggettism drinking game was in full swing. ‘Throw down the gauntlet’ had the couch peloton throwing down the shots but Paul’s ‘the bank account of energy’ had us taking a second look at the grid. Looks like we’ll be adding another square if it gets another mention.

Phil thought he was at a theme park with, “you don’t have to go to Disneyland, this is a real rollercoaster ride”. He also noted that, “these roads are typically British”. Er, has anyone told him the Brexit result yet?

Phil and Paul swapped fishing analogies for ‘rabbits’ which had the couch peloton perplexed. Nonetheless, all this talk about rabbits had an effect during an ad break with the slogan, “Alpecin shampoo, German engineering for your hare”.

Maybe Phil and Paul were referring to the bunny-hopping on the traffic furniture by the lead out men but they were soon back in their hutches as the big sprinters made the uphill charge to the line.

Cav couldn’t make it back-to-back stage wins crossing the line in eighth. It was another close finish, this time between Marcel Kittel and Bryan Coquard. Judges called for the photo and it was Kitteh by a whisker.

Peter Sagan gets to ride another day in yellow. The road starts to get a little more lumpy in stage 5, an hors d'oeuvres, if you like, to the big mountains ahead. Will the world champ hang on to the golden fleece for one more day? Sagan is having a bit of a floater at the moment, so there's every chance he will.

Stage 3 Granville / Angers - A Slow Day in the Office

Stage 3 and the Tour headed south from Granville in Normandy on a 223 km ride to Angers in the Loire Valley.

Over in the Tour kitchen Gabs prepared a delightful strawberry tart with pistachio nuts. There’s no butter in the actual recipe, however it calls for sweet pastry. There are lots of recipes out there for a basic sweet pastry dough. Don’t skimp on the butter and NEVER reach for the margarine!

Gabs still had some delicious Normandy butter in the pantry and for his sweet pastry dough went for a full block which takes the buerremetric counter to 520g, an impressive amount at this early stage of the Tour.

Oh, and did I mention there’s a good slug of Cointreau in the recipe?

Out on the parcours riders took it slow like it was an unofficial rest day, except for a plucky Armindo Fonseca who rode off the front like a man possessed from the drop of the flag.

Back in the caravan of commentary Mattie and Robbie dissected Richie Porte’s disastrous stage 2 puncture. Bad luck or bad management? Robbie agreed it was a bit of both. With no teamie at hand he was left without a bike to swap, which, ideally, is what you want.

In an ideal world Richie Porte would have had a clone beside him to hand over his bike when he punctured. This normally wouldn’t be a problem for the Yates twins, except Adam’s brother Simon is sitting out a suspension.

Robbie gave some insights into the raison d'être of the dedicated feed zone. He explained it was easier on the domestiques who would otherwise be collecting ‘suitcases’ of feedbags from team cars out on the road.

Andre Greipel loads up at the feed zone.

Out on the road the pace of the peloton was slow, so slow in fact they were in danger of being passed by a bunch of grade F club riders, including the guy who popped off the back. It was getting a bit ho-hum.

Robbie was so bored he had to reprise the story of the Tinkie team mate eating Alberto Contador's in-sole. Turns out it wasn’t the Devil after all, just a hard working domestique ‘taking one for the team leader’.

Fortunately there was plenty of roadside and field art to take the edge off the boredom. Apart from a bicycle constructed from giant pink marshmallows, there was a bovine painted up as the French flag, which is known as a TriCOWlore.

Robbie was asked his favourite ‘race’ of cow, which he replied “the 250 metres”. It’s not race but breed of cow and as it turns out Robbie is partial to a fine looking Limousin - and not one on four wheels.

Robbie gathered round the couch peloton for a story about the time he won a Limousin cow and then sold it to none other than five times Tour winner Bernard Hinault!

A bit of rumour mill news. John Degenkolb is set to go to Trek-Segafredo. Bling is set to go to Giant-Alpecin, which is a natural move to a team sponsored by a shampoo company.

It’s also rumoured wherever Peter Sagan goes after he’s finished with the Tinkies, he’s pretty much guaranteed a lifetime’s supply of Specialized bikes. Being world champ, Specialized is hoping Sagan will do for the brand what Michael Jordan did for a certain brand of sneakers, except the kids won’t be wearing little bicycles on their feet of course.

Back to the race and ‘French housewives’ choice’ Thomas Voeckler decided to come on out of the peloton for a bit of Tommie’s TeeVee Time to show off his mad gurning skillz.

We understand Voeckler is also very vocal in the peloton and a cheeky Troll DJ blew the dust of The Who album Tommy to give ‘Tommy, Can You Hear Me?’ a spin.

Before Mattie and Robbie were caught by Phil and Paul at 45 km to go, Robbie gave a little lesson in some of the race rules. One of them, in a nod to the environment, is about littering. If you drop an empty gel or snack bar wrapper the penalty is half an hour of picking up papers under the supervision of the yard duty teacher.

Phil and Paul counted down the remaining miles of the stage as the peloton finally woke up and realised they’d better get organised for the sprint.

Boundary rider Jens Voigt joined in for a chat as the pace picked up as the peloton snaked its way around the traffic furniture and cray roundabouts.

Fonseca and Voeckler hung on as long as they could in the slim hope they would make it to the line but were inevitably swallowed up by the pack at around 8 km to go.

In the end it was Mark Cavendish by a nose over ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel. The Manx Missile made it Tour stage win number 28, equalling Bernard Hinault’s number of victories. Who said Cav’s best days as a sprinter were behind him?

Oh, and can Hinault interest Cav in a Limousin cow?

Stage 1 Mont-Saint-Michel / Utah Beach Sainte-Marie-du-Mont - Yes! We Have No Bananas

Stage 1 and the Tour made the Grand Départ from the imposing Mont Saint Michel for the 188 km to Utah Beach on the Normandy coast.

SBS commentator Matt Keenan nervously checked his watch as his new side-kick Robbie McEwen came scuttling up to the caravan of commentary after doing Lord knows what just in time for the start.

Whatever it was Robbie was doing he noted that it was, “windy enough to blow off your beret.”

After the success of the Keenan/McEwen match up for the Giro d’Italia, I’m looking forward to hearing from the duo over the next three weeks.

No Grand Boucle is complete without full catering from Tour chef Gabriel Gaté. On the menu was roast rack of lamb with spring vegetables. The salt marshes around Mont Saint Michel are famous for its lamb – salt on the grass which the lambs graze on makes the meat flavoursome.

Local shepherds have been left scratching their heads wondering where all their lambs have disappeared to. If they find out what Gabs has been up to he’ll soon be on the lamb.

The dish opens the famous buerremetric counter at a modest 20g. Okay, it’s early days yet here’s a reminder of Gabs’ tweeted video statement from last year promising to make the 103^rd edition of the Tour, “the year of the butter.” I’ll be holding you to that Gabs and by the time we reach the Champs-Élysées, I expect to see the needle on the dial of the buerremetric counter right off the scale.

The lamb was a nice change for Gabs. For the past eight weeks he’s been run off his feet supplying candidates in the Australian Federal election with pork pies.

As it happened the quest for the golden fleece clashed with the race to The Lodge. Not once but twice SBS1 interrupted the Tour with crosses to the election special. Fortunately the Tour continued on SBS2 so we didn’t miss a thing but constantly being advised by Tomo to switch between SBS1 and SBS2 made it sound like an episode of the Thunderbirds.

Phil and Paul finally caught Matt and Robbie at the 49km to go mark and just like Gabs and his full catering no Tour is complete without the babbling stream of SherLiggettisms that makes up the three week soundtrack of inanity.

Speaking of babble we learned from Matt that race radio is indeed a babelfish that speaks many languages. It’s got French, English and Spanish down pat. It’s even been known to try and pick up a Chinese word or two. But when it comes to Mark Cavendish it’s completely bewildered by the Manx Missile.

Until yesterday's win at Utah Beach this is as close Cavendish got to yellow.

Back to the race and the mood of the peloton was ‘tense’ which is the new ‘nervous’ in race radio parlance. Beret-blowing crosswinds wreaked havoc and Alberto Contador was the first of the GC riders to crash leaving the Spaniard with a shoulder wound that made him look like an extra from Saving Private Ryan.

Contador avoided serious injury but ‘wearing road race from knee to shoulder’ is not what you want at the start of a three week GC campaign.

As the race headed toward the finish on the beaches of Normandy Paul thought he was in Geelong, near the Twisted Sisters, in the mansion in the sky. Poor Paul, he seems to have caught Phil’s poor sense of geography for anything beyond the front door.

Here’s a handy hint. Whatever you do, don’t ask Phil for directions to Simon Gerrans’ hometown of Mansfield – you could end up in two states looking for it.

The pilot fish got the sprinters organised for the fast and furious finish at D-Day landing site Utah Beach but not before it was time for the peloton to ‘reel in the fish’. This, surprisingly, came out of the mouth of Paul and not Phil who’s partial to angling analogies. You know how they say old married couples finish their partner’s sentences? Well Phil and Paul manage to deliver each other’s sentences from start to finish.

Marcel Kittel, Mark Cavendish, Peter Sagan and ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel were well and truly in the mix for the sprint to the line. The money was on Kittel but Cav managed to snatch his 27^th Tour stage win and claim yellow for the first time of his esteemed career.

In the post race interview the babelfish broke trying to decipher what he was saying. However, no translation required – the look on his face said it all.

Before I go no Tour would be complete without an official Tour song. Here’s a tune dedicated to the domestiques who flog themselves day-in day-out for 21 days for the captain. Every rider dreams of a stage win at the Tour and for many it will be THE highlight of their pro cycling career.

Team Sky’s Sergio Henao has had a great season winning the mountains classification and third overall at the Tour Down Under and second at the Vuelta al Pais Vasco. The Colombian looked to be in doubt for the Tour after irregularities in his biological passport lead Sky to suspend him. After expert analysis of his bloods he was cleared to ride for Sky at the end of May – which is just as well as it would have been back to the drawing board for the tune you’re about to see.

It’s based on the Crowded House classic ‘Don’t dream it’s over’ and because I was too lazy to think of an original title I’ve left it as is.

Don’t Dream It’s Over

The results are in

many rumours abound

Try to catch a trickle in a paper cup

In the mountains ahead

all could be lost

But you’ll never see a step of the podium

If you’re not travelling with me

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Now there’s a red car

the one with the hole in the roof

sticky bidons causing suspicion but there’s no proof

And will Bastille Day

belong to Romain Bardet

all the hopes of the French are pinned on this stage

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Now I’m pacing again

to the beat of a drum

And I’m counting Watts and the rate of my heart

Only breakies ahead

Sky’s protecting Froome

Avoiding all the crashes brings a feeling of relief

Henao, Henao

Don’t dream it’s over

Henao, Henao

Reel the breakies in

Attacks come, attacks come

To bridge the gap between us

We know they won’t win

Don’t let them win

Henao, Henao

Henao, Henao

Henao, Henao

Don’t let them win

Attacks come, attacks come

Henao, Henao (yeah)

Henao, Henao