Stage 5 Vittel / La Planche des Belles Filles - Aru All Smiles

Stage 5 of the Tour kicked off under sunny skies but a cloud of controversy over yesterday’s disqualification of Peter Sagan over that elbow knock to Mark Cavendish. Perhaps for the Manx Missile it was a bit of ‘what goes around, comes around’ with his history of playing rough in the sprint. Many fans and commentators were of the opinion that Sagz should have been disqualified for the stage but not kicked out of the Tour altogether.

The takeaway from all this folks is just don’t play rough in the sprint, someone’s going to catch you one day.

While we’re on the topic of takeaway, Robbie and Mattie were still fielding questions about how riders answer the call of nature. Again, without too much information, they explained what Mattie called a ‘takeaway nature break’, the nature break you take without stopping. I guess that makes sense when you order a coffee to go.

From the start an eight rider breakaway got away including seasoned riders Edvald Boasson Hagen, birthday boy Philippe Gilbert, Thomas De Gendt and ‘French housewives’ favourite’ Thomas Voeckler.

Jan Bakelants was in the breakaway too and much had been made of derogatory comments he made about podium women prior to the Tour. He apologised for the remarks but he won’t be able to play it down for some time yet. Interestingly I seemed to keep hearing Matt and Robbie call him ‘Bugalugs’. I’ll pay that, from now on its Jan Bugalugs.

As the peloton passed through Saint-Loupe-Sur-Semouse, Mattie noted it’s claim to fame was furniture production, hence the town is known as the ‘city of furniture’, not to be confused with ‘cities of road furniture’, which is just about everywhere else in Europe.

Ad watch: by now it’s hard to escape the Skoda ad doing the rounds (it’s a major sponsor of the Tour de France). At first we thought it was clever, playing on the car company’s slogan ‘simply clever’. It features the co-inventor of wifi pondering who was behind inventions and innovations such as the traffic light and who came up with roasting coffee beans. It’s starting to wear thin by now and I have a question - annoying ads on high rotation, who was the inventor?

From what I’ve heard these Skodas are pretty good and maybe it’s time for Robbie to ditch the old Citroen – all Mattie could smell on the long steep drive up to La Planche des Belle Filles was clutch.

Fabio Aru opens up on La Planche des Belles Filles

Troll DJ had been a little quiet, suggesting the Spotify subscription had run out. Once again my request went unanswered, that being anything by Elbow...

At the intermediate sprint Boasson Hagen got the points, which was wonderful.

It wasn’t long before the riders were, according to Mattie, "getting their tickets ready for business class at the pointy end".

Thomas Voeckler grabbed a bidon from the team car to cool off and performed all his checks for take-off;

Sunnies?

Check.

Gel?

Check.

Tongue?

Check.

Philippe Gilbert was enjoying his birthday breakaway and as the group headed uphill ‘blew out the candles and went for the cake’ taking Bugalugs with him.

Inevitably the attacks came and riders where being dropped left right and centre. The Skybots reeled in Bugalugs and Gilbert and with a quick hug their day was done.

At 2.4km to go Fabio Aru launched his attack with Chris Froome, Dan Martin, the twelve year old Romain Bardet and our own Richie Porte hot on his heels.

Aru proved too strong and soloed to his first Tour stage victory. The Sardinian couldn’t contain his huge smile and according to Mattie had his, “mouth wide open like a flip-top head for a toothbrush commercial”.

Geraint Thomas handed over the golden fleece to fellow Skybot Froome and Porte moved up to fifth.

No doubt Froome will be doing everything to stay in yellow all the way to Paris but it’s early days and there are many more battles to come.

Stage 4 Mondorf-les-Bains / Vittel - Vittel not to be for Kittel

Stage 4 and the riders rolled out of Mondorf-les-Bains on the 207km ‘transitional stage’ through the beautiful Lorraine region to the town of Vittel.

We’ve come to know’ transitional stage’ to mean ‘boring AF’with long flat roads and a bunch sprint at the end. But the sun was out and finally started to feel like summer.

Right from the start Wanty-Group Gobert’s Guillaume Van Keirsbulck went out on a solo ‘suicide breakaway’ with the peloton happy to let him go. Robbie and Keeno explained that being a new comer to the tour (Wanty-Group Gobert secured a wild card entry) the Belgian team would have lots of  TV time and free advertising. That’s one explanation, perhaps Van Keirsbulck just wanted to be first to the post-race massage table.

Back in the kitchen Gabs was baking Nancy’s chocolate cake (we must thank Nancy for the recipe). The recipe calls for 125g of butter so I’ve brought back the buerremetric counter to record a total of 935g of butter so far this Tour.

But being the 4^th July American cuisine was the order of the day, so out came the burgers and hotdogs which was a blessed relief from the 2 minute noodles of the day before. I was surprised to hear that Matt and Robbie are not fed by Gabs but by caterers of US broadcaster NBC.

And while we’re on the topic of food and drink, Robbie described the ‘Karotewasser’ of the Lorraine region. Apparently this rather strange practice dated back to medieval times where knights errant would dunk the local porous carrots into black tea. Mate, I think someone on Wikipedia or in Russia is having a lend of you Robbie, FAKE NEWS!!!

Speaking of carrots, Robbie waxed lyrical about the ‘crash carrots’ of the now defunct Basque Euskaltel Euskadi team, famous for their bright orange jerseys and habit of spending more time off the bike sprawled across the road than actual racing. Because of this it was safer to have them behind you than in front.

Later in the stage Matt and Robbie revealed which Tour riders they pretended to be when they were children (yes, really). Obviously an Euskaltel Euskadi rider was not one of them.

Sagz be like.

Troll DJ was busting out the tunes and The Smiths 'This Charming Man' was an obvious choice. Sadly, my request for Creedence Clearwater Revival's 'Have You Ever Seen Lorraine?’ went unanswered.

Later Troll DJ was trolled itself by a roadside random dad band belting out The White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’. Nice one dads.

There were no new McKeenanisms of note but as nod to the Sherliggetts Matt dropped a 'job of work' describing the massive restoration effort on Toul's Cathedral of Saint-Etienne in the 1980s.

It wouldn't be the Tour without the famous fields of sunflowers and at 89km to we had our first sighting of the tournesol, which happened to be right near a huge solar panel power station. Well I’ll be, a tournesolar power station!

Time seemed to be today’s theme, which appeared to just drag on. There was some impressive clock field art which also featured a tractor, combine harvester and sheep followed up by the vary impressive ‘calendar château’ of Château de Haroué in Nancy with its 365 windows, 52 fireplaces etc. (Robbie challenged the couch peloton to guess how many chimneys).

The riders approached the home of bottled water and Tour sponsor Vittel. I wonder just how much Vittel paid for the naming rights for the town of Vittel?

Van Keirsbulck was inevitably caught by the peloton after his huge solo effort at 16km to go, then it was time for the sprinters to get organised for the charge into Vittel.

Robbie cautioned about the hazards of a narrow departmental roads and potholed arse-fault on the shoulder. He added, "there's a real bottle neck in the centre of Vittel". We saw what you did there Robbie.

A crash within 2km to the finish saw current yellow jersey holder Geraint Thomas hit the deck. Fortunately he was okay, not so for Mark Cavendish who was elbowed into the barrier by Peter Sagan. 

Frenchman Arnaud Demare emerged victorious, Cavendish withdrew with a broken shoulder blade and in a dramatic decision that will divide cycling fans for years to come (on social media anyway), Sagz was kicked out of the Tour.

Whoever said transitional stages were boring?

Stage 3 Verviers / Longwy - It's a Longw(a)y to the Top

Stage 3 and the peloton made its way from Verviers, Belgium to arrive on French soil in Longwy via tiny Luxembourg.

At last the sun was out to ease the nerves of the crash-ridden first two stages in the wet.

Gabs took time out to sample the delights of Luxembourg - cakes and fruity Riesling were the order of the day - so much so Gabs neglected to feed the peloton. That might explain the lack of recipes this year and I've all but given up on the buerremetric counter. Needless to say the peloton is not happy and soigneurs have been seen flinging packets of 2 minute noodles to riders at dinner time.

In the caravan of commentary there was time for a bit of Les Vaches du Tour chat although cows have been thin on the ground so far. Keeno made special mention of Wanty-Group Gobert’s resident farmer Frederik Bakaert who was in a six rider breakaway along with perennial grand tour rider Aussie Adam Hansen.

As it turns out Bakaert helped milk NINETY cows before heading to the Tour. Was that all by hand? That’s a lot of cows. Maybe after the Tour he could give the Benny Andersson lookalike in ‘River Cottage Australia’ a hand if the house blows away in a storm.

Robbie’s mail bag time and the first question was what do riders do when they need to answer the call of nature. Without going into too much information he explained that it was better to keep on rolling than come to a complete stop and then have waste energy catching up to the rest of the peloton.

For this reason Robbie thinks it’s a worthwhile skill for a pro-rider to master although he hastened to add you’d want to practice on quite country roads. Yeah fair enough, practicing a rolling nature break is probably not a good idea on a commuter ride through city traffic.

I for one can’t help but think for the rest of the riders with iron bladders who managed to hang on for the whole stage must have been looking forward to a long wee in Longwy.

A big shout out to the French team who bring us the pictures - the new onscreen graphics are bigger so you can properly read the distance to go now. Word has it the overhaul was in response to the deteriorating eyesight of an ageing MAMIL and MAWIL fan base.

Belgians Philippe Gilbert and Greg Van Avermaet where among the favourites to win the hilly stage. Robbie and Matt noted that Greg Van Avermaet was named after American three time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond. Perhaps he parents could have gone one step further and named him Greg LeAvermaet.

In the later stages of the race all the breakies were absorbed with Lilian Calmejane reeled in after going solo at 10km to go.

Before the finish in Longwy the riders faced a 1.6km drag at 5.8% gradient up the Côte des Religieuses. This was where the cream of the punchier riders rose to the top. Richie Porte launched a surprise attack with the help of his BMC teammates but despite current world road race champ Peter Sagan pulling his foot from the pedal in the final uphill sprint, Sagan re-clipped and pipped Aussie Michael Matthews, Dan Martin and Greg LeAvermaet in a thrilling finish.

Sagan notched up Tour stage victory number eight and like Greg LeMond did all those years ago he's cementing his place in Tour history as one of the greats.

Stage 16 Moirans-en-Montagne / Berne - Feel the Berne

Stage 16 and the riders set off on a stunningly beautiful day as the Tour headed on the 209 km route from Moirans-en-Montagne in France to Berne, Switzerland.

Since Gabs was now in Switzerland he prepared the Swiss classic veal with mushroom sauce and Rosti. There was joy in the peloton when the riders discovered there was 60 g of butter in the recipe. This brings the buerremetric counter to 790 g.

Early on in the race Tony Martin (the cyclist, not the comedian) and Julian Alaphilippe from Etixx-QuickStep broke away and despite the efforts of a few chasers could not be reeled back to the peloton. Robbie puzzled about their tactics. Oh, to be a fly on the windscreen of the Etixx-QuickStep team car. Well, not if you hit it at 100km/h.

Out on the road organ music seemed to appear from nowhere. It had the couch peloton wondering if that was that our Troll DJ or its French TV cousin practising on the Hammond.

The Etixx breakies were the first to say hello to Switzerland as they crossed the border. Martin was in Panzerwagen time trial beast mode but it wasn’t all one way. Martin agreed to time trial on the flat, Alaphilippe towing duties on the hills. Deal.

We got the real deal from Troll DJ playing a majestic tune for the majestic vaches montage from this year’s tour. Not long over the border and Switzerland turned out to be a vaches fest. Hmm, maybe the Swiss could lend a few to the Italians for the Giro in May.

Out on the road the thermometer was rising into the low 30s and the domestiques were busy with bidon collection duties. IAM Cycling must have been particularly thirsty - Stef Clement’s jersey looked like a condom stuffed full of water bottles.

Meanwhile Tony Martin continued to power on, treating this stage as if it were a 209 km time trial.

Tony Martin taking it in his stride

The Ps caught up to the caravan of commentary at about 55 km to go. All eyes were on Fabian Cancellara (or Spartacus as he’s affectionately known) who was heading to his home town in his final Tour de France. Could he win today? Phil and Paul thought he could noting he’d won in Berne before, in the final stage of the Tour de Suisse back in 2007. They then reminded us – repeatedly. That number of the day? 2007.

The breakies reached the intermediate sprint on their own and since he’d done most of the work Martin and Alaphilippe agreed to split the prize money 60/40. Martin made it look easy dragging Alaphilippe along but that wasn’t enough for the Panzerwagen who even started to do the pace making for a train at one stage.

Switzerland has a reputation for producing fine goods when it comes to cheese, multi-tooled pocket knives and of course watches and clocks. Phil and Paul were particularly enamoured of the Swiss built machines of BMC claiming they are the ‘Swiss watch of bicycles’. Well, if BMC is the Swiss watch of bicycles then those neutral service spares are the two-bob watches.

Martin and Alaphilippe looked like they might have had a chance to make it all the way to Berne but eventually succumbed to the peloton. Alaphillipe was the first to sit up, caught at 25 km to go. Martin kept on going until, in the words of Paul, “boom, boom, out go the lights”, caught at 22 km to go.

Phil and Paul noted it was Mandela Day in South Africa and recalled that Steve Cummings riding for the then South African MTN Qhubeka team won the stage at last year’s Tour on that day. Surprising then it took that long for the two to twig at 12 km to go there was a South African in the race in the form of Daryl Impey. All of a sudden Spartacus was forgotten.

As the kilometres counted down Rui Costa got himself out in the front of the peloton who had him in their sights. Brave but he didn’t stand a chance and was gone at 4 km to go.

The final 600 metres to the line is a cobbled incline reminiscent of a one-day classics style finish. Classics specialist Spartacus was well positioned but didn’t quite have the fire power as ‘Penis Sagan’ (yes, Phil did say that) pipped Alexander Kristoff with a thrust to the line for his third stage win at this Tour.

Celebration from the Spartacus fans wasn’t to be but he still managed a top ten finish not to be sneezed at for such a long day in the saddle. But the party was about to start for the large contingent of Peter Sagan fans who arrived from Slovakia on the bus known as the Sagz Wagon.

Oh yeah, and Chris Froome hung on to yellow with a handy 01’ 47” lead over Bauke Mollema.

Stage 12 Montpellier / Mont Ventoux - Born to Run

Stage 12 and the riders set off on a slightly shortened 184 km route from Montpellier to the ‘Giant of Provence’, the mythical Mont Ventoux.

The peloton was going to need every bit of energy to tackle the steep climb so a hearty chicken casserole with olives and capsicum. No butter this time after the massive effort with the snails. Gabs, I know people are health conscious and all that but did you know butter is good for you now? Much better than that ghastly margarine dieticians have been telling us to use for years.

Out on the road and it was a fairly straight forward affair on relatively flat roads. Fabio Aru was spotted getting a full bike service on the move from the Asstana Team car.

Hats off to the mechanic, that’s some feat to be able to replace a crank set with chin just a few inches above the road going at 60 km/h. The commissaires were less impressed. Aru had trouble separating from the team car. Sticky bidon is a common problem in pro-cycling but sticky car?

Troll DJ busted out the Miami Vice theme to a montage of the beautiful sites and the water sporting activities of the Mediterranean coast. The tour is always scenic, but this year the scenery has been ridiculously good.

With category blow-your-beret-off winds forecast for the moonscape top of Mont Ventoux, the race finish was moved six kilometres down the road. The caravan of commentary was actually in a supermarket carpark miles away. Robbie and Mattie were taking no chances, it’d disintegrate in the winds at the top of the mountain.

The Man from Mansfield Simon Gerrans may have been a victim of the wind or perhaps a spot of oil on the road when leading a chase his front wheel washed out on a corner and hit the deck hard. His new ORICA-BikeExchange jersey was torn and he was bleeding but it looked like nothing was broken.

It was later revealed Gerrans had broken his collar bone and pulled out of the Tour to try and heal in time for the Olympics. He's had a few broken bones over the years and makes you wonder how many falls can Gerro’s body take?

Mattie was admiring the hairstyles in the peloton, remarkable really since they were all wearing helmets. He noted Bryan Coquard’s sprinting ability and admire's the young Frenchman's ‘quaff’. Andre Greipel adopted a ‘hairodynamic’ position on his bike to stay out of the wind.

Phil and Paul were having a slow day only catching Robbie and Mattie a 22 km to go near the base of the mythical mountain.

Paul thought Simon Gerrans had had a ‘funny crash’. I don’t think Gerro thought it was very funny.

Phil called the leading group hitting the lower slopes of the Giant of Provence the ‘Twelve Musketeers’. Sounds like they come in three additional sets now days. That, or Phil will be telling us Jesus only had three disciples next.

In a surprise move Andre Greipel went on the attack as the road tilted upwards. This Tour has been something - climbers attacking on flat stages, sprinters on mountain stages. What’s the world coming to?

Greipel the mountain gorilla continued charging up the road like an enraged silverback and Paul wondered when Nairo Quintana would ‘light the blue touch paper’ and set off some Bastille Day fireworks.

Froome makes the dash up the Mont Ventoux

Bastille Day always draws a large crowd to the roadside at the Tour but today was more crowded. The shortened finish and because fans who made the attempt to get to the top of the mountain were blown back down it created a corridor of noise concentrate.

As the climb got steeper the rope, Phil’s words, was running out on the riders as they started to crack and fall off the back.

In the final kilometres of the race Bertjan Lindeman, Dani Navarro, Serge Pauwels and Thomas de Gendt were in the lead group. Frenchman Sylvain Chavenel joined the group but fell away along with Lindeman. With the Frenchman gone it was time for the Colombian Navarro to step up to honourary French status because he rides for Cofidis.

Further down the road Quintana lit the blue touch paper and attacked followed by Sergio Henao (you know how it goes).

As the remaining lead trio headed toward the line Thomas de Gendt was riding like Thomas de Tank Engine. At 1 km to go the 1 km to kite was missing after being blown away by the wind. Serge Pauwels surged but it wasn’t enough as de Gendt crossed the line.

Down the road Chris Froome decided to go taking Richie Porte and Bauke Mollema with him. Porte was working for Froome just like old times. It was all too much for Quintana who raised the white flag.

Then disaster struck as a moto suddenly stopped and Porte, Froome and Mollema crashed into it. Mollema and Porte recovered but the GC leader was left without a bike. Froome tossed away the rule book and started RUNNING, YES, RUNNING up the road.

Neutral service eventually caught up with Froome and handed him what looked like a kids bike. Of course the bike was slow coming from neutral service. Honestly, a $150 Huffy bike would have done a better job. The Skybot team came to the rescue with a proper bike but it looked like the damage had been done.

We were not sure if we were still watching the Tour de France or just watched Chris Froome compete in his first triathlon. Not a bad effort though, it’s not easy walking in cleats let alone run in them.

Chaos ensued, fingers pointed to overcrowding, drunken fans or a combination of the two that forced the moto to a sudden halt.

Froome’s hold on yellow looked to be in jeopardy but on the upside he’d just qualified for the Kenyan Olympic running team.

As the world waited on the judges’ decision Peter Sagan accepted his green jersey on a hundred gazillion points. In the post race interview he said, “for me it’s okay, for Chris Froome I don’t think so”.

The GC was still up in the air, the provisional result had Adam Yates in yellow and Froome in eighth. As we waited for the result Robbie and Tomo were in disbelief but with some time to kill there was no better time than to preview tomorrow’s individual time trail and marathon.

The wait dragged on and still no podium presso for the golden fleece. Bernard Hinault was there to help officiate but all he wanted to do was to get home to his cows.

Just before the meter ran out on the satellite feed, Tomo had word that Froome had hung on to yellow.

Condolences to the family and friends of the victims of the terrible attack in Nice on Bastille Day. 

Words fail me.

Stage 11 Carcassonne / Montpellier - Froome Throws Caution to the Wind

Stage 11 and the riders set off under brilliant sunny skies from the Kryal Castle wannabe Carcassonne on a flat and windy 162.5 km route to Montpelier.

Many fruits and berries are in season and Gabs put together cherry fruit salad in brandy. The brandy of the region is called Eau de Vie de Languedoc or ‘water of life’. Some riders could do with some in their water bottle to calm the nerves.

No butter in the recipe which is forgiven considering the massive hit with the snail recipe in stage 10.

The race was on in earnest when Mattie spotted smoke on the horizon.The peloton was still some way off but Mattie was praying the wind wouldn’t carry the growing bushfire in the direction of the riders.

The Tour choppers got a closer look and flames were clearly visible. Time to bring in the water bombing aircraft. By the way, do the French have an Elvis to put out fires? All the Tour chopper pilots could do was look at their bottles of overpriced spring water sitting on the console and thought they wouldn’t be much use anyway, and besides, they had a race to follow.

Robbie joined Mattie in the caravan of commentary and the conversation immediately turned to the 70 km/h Mistral blowing out there. No, I’m not talking about a very large fan but the legendary winds that whip up in this part of France.

Robbie discussed the importance of wheel choice to counteract the effects of crosswinds. A full disc on the back would act like a large sail and a gust of wind would have sent riders flying off into the grape vines. Thick-rimmed aero wheels were little better so a narrow rimmed wheel was the logical choice. If you looked at wheel selection like pizza it would been more of a thin crust than deep pan pizza day.

Wheels and pizzas aside, position on the road and strange formation echelons were key to surviving the cross winds. Mattie compared it to musical chairs and you don’t want to be left standing when the music stops. When the wind gets up it’s a game of musical echelons.

Being a flat stage you’d be forgiven this would be a relatively easy day and ‘one for the sprinters’. Factor in the wind and the mood was very different in the peloton. Mattie warned to not look an angry Greipel in the eye. Good advice, he’d rip your bloody legs off.

The strange formation of the Escherlons

We’re now halfway through the Tour and it was time for Troll DJ to bring out the couch peloton all time favourite 'Cows with Guns'. Heaven, but we could have had more! But Troll DJ let us know who’s in charge with Bowie’s ‘I am the DJ’. Droll, Troll DJ, very droll.

At 90 km to go the Tinkies tried making a split to take advantage of the cross winds. Robbie reacted with, “whatever’s happening is happening now”.

Such was the level of concentration and pace the riders only slowed a little for the feed zone. To use  a drive-thru analogy for Mattie it was, “no fries please, we’re going through”.

The race passed a quarry where red marble is extracted and some of it was used, according to Mattie, in the White House, which doesn’t make any sense.

Most of the commentary was centered on the wind, that’s a lot of hot air about wind. But who could blame anyone for not talking about the conditions when it was windier than a cassoulet festival out there?

The peloton passed L'Abbaye Sainte-Marie Fontcaude, which Mattie translated as 'warm fountain'. Funny, I was always thought besoin naturel meant warm fountain.

Out of the villages and out in the open the echelons were on like Pokemon. Nairo Quintana somehow got himself on his own 'surfing the peloton' in the washing machine up front to cross the intermediate sprint in ninth place. Surprising for a mountain man and just imagine the shock if he won the stage in a sprint?

The Ps made their catch at 50 km to go propelled by strong tail winds. Thoughts turned to tomorrow’s Bastille Day stage to the legendary Mont Ventoux. The mythical mountain is also known as the ‘Giant of Provence’ and to Paul the Giant of Provence “looks like a pimple”.

Phil spotted Nairo Quintana “having lunch and not looking worried”, which is typical Quintana poker face. In reality he wasn't happy with the crosswinds, the narrow roads and traffic furniture in the villages - not that he showed it.

Paul was wowed by the pink flamingos that inhabit the region and reminded us we’re not in Africa. Thanks Paul, and we’re not in Kansas either. The opportunity went begging for Troll DJ to cue up something from Toto...

On a sprint stage you'd normally see the yellow jersey being protected somewhere in the peloton. Not today, Chris Froome had once again, in the words of Paul, “taken the handbook of tactics and thrown them out the window" and was mixing it up with the likes of Peter Sagan to finish second behind the green jersey holder.

Sagan had a hundred million points in the bank securing his grip on the green and in a move no one expected Froome banked seconds plus time bonuses for Ventoux tomorrow. Winds are forecast to blow the beret off the Giant of Provence so this looks like smart thinking by Froome.

In the post race interview Sagan said it was, ‘crrraaazzy stupid out there’. We're not sure if he meant the crosswinds and the narrow village streets or the sight of Froome in a day for the sprinters

Stage 10 Escaldes-Engordany / Revel - Bling Revels in Tour Win

Stage 10 and the Tour said goodbye to tiny Andorra as the riders set off on the 197 km hilly parcours from Escaldes-Engordany to Revel.

Gabs had enough time on his hands during the Monday rest day to go out and forage for snails. He wanted to get the riders into the spirit of Bastille Day just around the corner. What could be more French than snails? You couldn’t get any more French if you dressed the critters in striped shirts and berets and gave them a Gauloise but Gabs dressed the snails with herbs and walnut butter instead.

And yes, you read right ‘walnut butter’ and not from walnuts but real butter. At a hefty 150g the buerremetric counter has surged to 690g. Ohh yeah, the butter is back baby!

The rest day in Andorra was time for the riders to go for a bit of a leisurely pedal to keep the legs ticking over and for some serious duty free shopping.

Robbie had been out for a ride with roving reporter Henk Vogels, who had been searching for the filthiest roads in Andorra, came across teams out on their morning coffee rides. Oleg Tinkov was spotted in a rainbow jersey. Robbie thought Oleg was showing a bit of disrespect for the jersey that can only hang on the shoulders of a world champion. On the upside at least he was wearing clothes for once.

Back to the race and a 15 man breakaway formed after the race went over the top up a big climb to Port d’Envalira. Nibs, and Sagan were there along with the Three Musketeers from ORICA-BikeExchange - Daryl Impey, Luke ‘Turbo Durbo’ Durbridge and Bling (Michael Matthews).

Some sponsorship news. We now know Oleg is winding up his Tinkie team to buy a really big boat. Rumour has it he has his eye on Clive Palmer’s Titanic replica when it’s finished. The going price is said to be 20 million euros ONO, fish finder included. Alpecin confirmed it won’t be a sponsor next year so no more German engineering for your hare, it’ll just have to do with Sunsilk.

Robbie and Mattie turned to the topic of fashions in the peloton. They noted there were no sleeve tattoos, unlike footballers, because a sleeve tattoo looks a bit silly on Kermit arms. There are plenty of full set beards though, grown with permission from the captain, and the odd man bun.

Mattie spotted an artificial lake attractive to migrating birds and there’s plenty of water sport to be had. Err, okay Mattie. Fortunately, this one wasn’t radioactive.

When Robbie was racing he said he preferred to stay in a chateau than share a dodgy hotel room with the dodgy habits of roommates. The only thing was he tended to choose cheap ‘fixer-upper’ chateaux with walls but no roof, windows or upper floors.

The breakaway held its ground after a half-hearted attempt at a chase by the peloton that just gave up and decided to extend the rest day.

If snails aren't your thing there's always deconstructed croque madame

In a sign Robbie and Mattie have been spending too much time together we got the classic Keenoism from Robbie, “the cream always rises to the top”.

Expectations were rising in the caravan of commentary that Bling had a good chance of scoring a win. Mattie was so confident in he thought, “Matthews is big enough to pick up Adam Yates and put him in his back pocket”. Is that in the rule book?

The Ps caught Mattie and Robbie at 48 km to go. Thomas Voeckler popped up for a bit of TeeVee time and after all these years he’s ridden at the Tour, Phil is still perplexed by Voeckler’s ‘strange face pulling ceremonies’.

Paul noted as the miles, chains and furlongs counted down and there was still a considerable time gap and no way the peloton was going to bring the breakies back. And how do we know? We know because of Paul’s favourite ‘recipe’ – 10 kilometres for every minute, turn ‘em over and they’re done.

The race made its way through the streets of Castelnaudary. The Ps noted Castelnaudary hosts an annual festival dedicated to the regional culinary speciality, the stew of beans and sausage, cassoulet. The locals take so much pride in the event they name the town Cassouletnaudary for the duration of the festival.

At 24 km to go the leading group split spearheaded by Peter Sagan to form the Magnificent Seven of Sagan, Tom Dumoulin, GVA, Wonderful, Wonderful Boasson Hagen and the Three Musketeers Impey, Durbo and Bling.

Bling was out for revenge after finishing second to Sagan at last year’s world championship. Impey launched a series of attacks but Sagan held him in check. Durbo’s turbo wasn’t whistling as he was turning himself inside out.

Paul wasn’t hearing the whistle of turbos but the ‘whistling of tyres’ each time a rider accelerated.

Bling timed his move to perfection and crossed the line to notch up his first stage win at the Tour in addition to his previous two Giro and three Vuelta stage wins.

In the post race interview Bling said he was close to ‘giving it in’ on the Tour de France after failing to start in 2014 and spent nearly all of last year’s Tour nursing broken ribs all the way to Paris.

Finally after a week of racing the Aussie ORICA-BikeExchange team had something to celebrate and a big party was about to begin at the hotel with all the duty free picked up in Andorra.

Stage 9 Vielha Val d'Aran / Andorre Arcalis - Tiny Andorra, Oh How I Adore Ya

Stage 9 and the riders (minus Michael Morkov, who became the first abandonment of the Tour the day before) set out from Vielha Val d'Aran for the 184.5 km ride to tiny Andorra on the French and Spanish border.

Phil had been out early in the morning indulging in one of his favourite pastimes, fishing. There are many streams in this part of the world perfect for trout fishing. Phil came back with a sizable catch. That’s dinner sorted so Gabs started gutting and cleaning them and had baking the trout in herbs and bacon in mind.

But *sigh*, no butter. Look top marks for the bacon, everyone loves bacon (except vegans, don’t worry, they’ll soon tell you) but remember what you said about the year of the butter???

Out on the road the temperature was rapidly rising and the Moviestars where on the go from the get go, particularly on the descents.

Robbie came across a herd of cows on one of the descents on his morning  recon ride. He hoped they’d been cleared from the road. Don’t worry Robbie, I’m sure Nairo Quintana's ‘fixer’ was there to fix the cow problem even without the help of Christopher Pyne.

Looking at the roads from the Tour chopper there were many twists and turns. One hill looked like it was draped with a piece of squid ink spaghetti... oh sorry, I forgot we're not at the Giro.

As the mercury soared into the 30s, the road surface started to turn into soft, soggy tar. Soft soggy tar? Don’t you mean arsephalt Robbie?

And Robbie’s advice on dealing with a stage like today? Eat. Drink. Stay calm - and eat a banana.

The caravan of commentary had sunk so far into the soggy arsephalt Robbie had to put up the periscope to see what was going on. So, the caravan of commentary isn’t a caravan at all but a noisy Collins Class submarine.

Mattie and Robbie analysed Froome’s winning move off the Col de Peyresourde the previous day. No one knew Froome had the intestinal fortitude to pull off such a daring descent. Yes, he was shitting kittens but later confessed to having the time of his life.

Again, the topic of food and drink came up. Mattie explained Gabs’ philosophy of,“feed them until they’re full and then feed them some more”. Sounds like a ding-dong battle with online trolls.

The peloton was up and down all day long and if you think it’s hilly here, wait until they reach Andorra. Mattie reckoned that the only way to ride on the flat in Andorra is indoors on a KICKR.

Robbie and Mattie spotted some white water rafters. You can’t raft uphill to Andorra, well not unless without the assistance of a fish ladder perhaps.

The heat was really starting to get to the riders and they were looking at any way they could to keep cool. Good old ice stockings were handed out from team cars. Now the WAGS know where their stockings disappear to at the end of the European season.

Robbie saw Peter Sagan tip an ice bucket over his head. Robbie said he’d be cooler without the man bun. On that we can all agree.

Alberto Contador, who was still nursing his injuries from stage 1 and 2, had woken up with a fever. This didn’t stop him from launching a counter attack alongside Alejandro Valverde but it was clear he looked to be in trouble. We knew it was serious when the Pyrenean vultures started circling on the thermals above Contador.

Finally, Contador abandoned, along with Gabs’ commitment to the year of the butter.

The peloton struggled on in the heat to try to make it to ‘Old Andorra’ by sundown. Old Andorra sounds like one of those theme parks where they have actors in period costumes do knife fights and stuff. In all honesty, I have no idea what they get up to in Andorra but isn’t it famous for rabbits and as a tax haven?

Andorra's number one export, Angolan rabbits

Many pro-riders claim they live in Andorra because it’s a ‘climbers’ paradise’. Yeah right, like bankers in the Cayman Islands because they’re a bankers’ paradise.

As the riders approached the border of Andorra Robbie spotted Italian cyclist Fabio Aru with the distinctive tape on his face, which is there to stop his nose falling off.

The riders had their passports out as they sped through the border control into Andorra. Robbie said, “they don’t check passports at the borders in EU countries, unless they think you’re dodgy”. He must have learnt that from experience.

The Ps made their catch at 49 km to go and came across the Caldea Thermal Spa, which looked eerily similar to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Needless to say the thermal cameras used to detect hidden motors in bicycles went berserk.

Riders started to crack in the heat and claimed, along with Alberto Contador, Mark Renshaw and Matthieu Ladagnous. What the riders needed to keep cool was a series of mist emitting gantries over the road, just like you find in alfresco dining areas.

Paul had to bring out the T-bone Pinot motor circuit training story. Then he dropped an ‘Etixx – Quick Stop’ to top it off with 'Richie Froome'. Some things never change.

Spectator weren't exactly a big help. A roadside random in a green morph suit couldn't see where he was going and narrowly escaped a collision, No such luck for the spectator who stepped out onto the road on a blind corner to be collected by Kiwi George Bennett. The spectator hit the deck and didn't get up.

The climbers with, according to Paul, ‘thick pedigrees’ got themselves up front with 19 km to go. At 10 km to go the group was slapped in the face by Tom Dumoulin who rode away solo.

On the final approach to the finish at Arcalis, rain or spray from alfresco dining areas was spotted on the road. No, it was rain and pretty soon the heavens opened up and according to Paul it was, ‘raining jelly beans’ that he enjoys throughout the year.

The riders had prayed for more ice earlier in the day and the cycling Godz over delivered. Thank goodness the hail was jelly bean and not golf ball sized.

A wet and soggy Tom Dumoulin raised his arms at the line to win his first stage at the Tour de France. He was disappointed with his effort in the individual time trial at the start of last year’s Tour in his home country the Netherlands but the solo win in Andorra more than atoned for it.

Stage 7 L'Isle-Jourdain / Lac de Payolle - Cummings Escapes Arch Rivals to Solo Win

Stage 7 and the Tour has reached the Pyrenees for a weekend in the mountains. At 162.5 km the route was shorter than what the peloton had become accustomed too but factor in the climbs and it’s still a long day in the saddle.

Over in the hot Tour kitchens Gabs was preparing a ‘comforting French winter dish’ of lamb and bean casserole. A bit unusual in the middle of summer in the south of France but Gabs thought a hearty dish would help the riders get through the mountains.

At last, the buerremetric counter made a move from back in stage 3 with the addition of 20g of butter taking it to 540g. Looks like the online petition from the peloton worked this time.

Out on the road and the 12 man early breakaway carrying Peter Sagan and Mark Cavenish was eventually reeled in by the peloton at the 43 km mark.

As we were joined by the caravan of commentary team Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen, the riders passed what looked like a hot air balloon getting ready for lift off. Finally, a real hot air balloon you can throw out the sandbags from to gain height! On closer inspection it turned out to be not a hot air balloon just Phil and Paul doing their commentary warm up.

Being a Friday afternoon the staff from French TV were staggering about and rather clumsily pouring out glasses of wine for themselves and for the commentary and media teams assembled at the finish. Robbie was tempted but thought he might have a quite vino or two after the race. Best to lay off the booze at that time of day, things were already getting a bit messy out there and there’d already been an ugly incident over at the Eurosport commentary caravan.

Troll DJ turned on the music busting out the classic ‘Bicycle Race’. What? It’s the Queen stage already? That’s usually reserved for the final week of the Tour.

Robbie and Mattie were chewing the fat over how many of the riders in the peloton speak English. Robbie thought it would be most, except for Tony Martin, “who doesn’t speak much in any language” but is, “fluent in 54-11”. Enough said.

Just before Robbie and Mattie were caught the peloton passed a field art bicycle with a back wheel that imploded when it came into view of the Tour chopper.

Phil and Paul made their catch at 4 km earlier than on previous stages so they must have either had the hammer down or melting ‘arsephalt’ slowed Robbie and Mattie down.

Paul saw an old abbey that was once badly damaged during the French Revolution but had been ‘severely’ reconstructed. Not sure about that Paul, it didn’t look like the work of brutalist architects from here.

Phil and Paul were anticipating a battle between the GC contenders on the final climb of the day on the ‘slopes of the S bend’. Paul was particularly worried about a sharp corner on the Col d’S bend, but bends don’t have corners, oh never mind.

A large leading group of 29 men had formed and at 39 km to go Matti Breschel, Antoine Duschesne and Dani Navarro popped out the front of the now splintered group, which Phil called the ‘three carrots’. There was some misty-eyed reminiscing about the now defunct Team Carrot but fortunately the trio didn’t crash out.

The carrot reference may have meant they were the carrot to a hungry chasing bunch of donkeys. It was clear from Tour boundary rider Jens Voigt that there was no stick driving the peloton, however, the Skybots were ‘burning matches’.

The collapse of the flamme rouge deflates the spirit of the peloton.

Steve Cummings made his way up to the carrots and took of rather suddenly at 27km to go. Was the move reckless? All the carrots had to say was, “this is really something”.

The chase was on from Vincenzo Nibali, GVA, Dani Navarro and Daryl Impey. Cummings ascended the Col d’S bend minus the sandbags and it was soon apparent there was no way this fish would be reeled in.

Further down the slopes Phil saw Dominico, ‘Pots of Eno’, ‘Pots of Evo’ (we suspect Phil may have had one or two glasses of vino) make a little move, and thanks to Phil, Dominico Pozzovivo is now clearly ahead of Vincenzo Nibali in the how-many-ways-can-we-mangle-a-surname competition.

As Cummings soloed to the finish, Paul said, ‘the champagne will be in short supply”. Yeah, we kind of figured that judging from the commentary.

Steve Cummings crossed the line and what a ride! He knows not to throw stones but certainly knows when it’s time to throw out the sandbags.

It wasn’t time to celebrate on the dregs of the champagne yet, the rest of the riders had to come home and just as Adam Yates from OBE (ORICA-BikeExchange) approached the 1 km to go flamme rouge inflatable arch, it punctured, causing Yates to chute leaving his face bleeding.

Chaos ensued as the peloton tried to work its way through the flaccid arch like it was some kind tactile interactive art installation.

The motos stopped to lend a hand, God knows when neutral service would show up and we all know how hopelessly slow they are at dealing with punctures.

Until race organisers launch an investigation we can only speculate on what caused the red kite to deflate. Was it a stone or a piece of glass? Was it a simple case of the generator running out of petrol? No, blame it on the EU, it gets blamed for particularly everything else.

The couch peloton drew comparisons with the infamous OGE (Orica-GreenEDGE) bus incident back in stage 1 of the 2013 Tour de France which featured in the very first edition of Le Wrap. Makes you wonder about what it is with OGE/OBE and gantries/red kites at or near the finish line.

Stage 6 Arpajon-sur-Cère / Montauban - Cav Pips Kitteh to Claim Lion's Share

Stage 6 and the peloton headed further south toward the Pyrenees on a flat 190.5 km route from Arpajon-sur-Cère to Montauban.

Gabs checked the Météo-France weather forecast and it was going to be a warm one so he decided to make a delicious cold treat for the peloton - coffee parfait with prunes in Armagnac.

Well, the coffee parfait does look delicious and is made from cream and I’m sure a health conscious peloton will appreciate the prunes soaked in Armagnac to help keep them regular, but this is the third day without butter.

Gabs, do not think for one minute the riders haven’t noticed. There are rumours some are considering starting up an online petition demanding the return ‘of the butter’. OUCH!!

As the riders set off and Yukiya Arashiro and Jan Barta took off from the front.

In the caravan of commentary, Robbie was shooting the breeze about how the kids always ask dads riding in the Tour to bring home a couple of stuffed lions – not a real one from a despicable canned-hunting safari but the plush toy awarded to the day’s yellow jersey winner. You simply can't buy these in a souvenir shop because, according to Robbie, “the only way to get one of these lions? Suffering”.

Mattie and Robbie thought this stage would be one for the ‘pure sprinters’. This implies there are impure sprinters lurking in the peloton, so WADA had better get on to that.

Robbie rated Bling's chances in the sprint. He felt Michael Matthews lacked the support of the OBE team to throw everything at picking up a stage win. That said, Robbie thought Bling would ride a top five finish but against the calibre of sprinters today they were, "going to come by at such a rate they'll suck his helmet off". Robbie!!! This is a family show!!!

While Arashiro and Barta were left to fry in the heat, the peloton was content to keep it at coffee ride tempo - that or the ‘arsephalt’ that was starting to melt in the heat was sucking the tyres down into the road surface slowing it down.

Unexpectedly Troll DJ went out early with Kraftwerk’s ‘Tour de France’. This, as the couch peloton observed, is usually reserved for the final day of the Tour. Troll DJ likes to keep the mix fresh by mixing up the mix a little. There are a few more Kraftwerk tunes to draw on but I suspect the Troll DJ is keeping the powder dry on ‘The Robots’.

The only trophy lion we want to see.

Mattie opened the day’s drinking game account with the three-shooter, “Chris Froome was born in Africa but races under a British licence”.

Mattie and Robbie speculated on who of the sprinters would win the stage. The big names would be there like Cav and Greipel but they thought Bryan Coquard would be in with a chance - but against the class of Marcel Kittel, Coquard would find the competition a little stiffer.

Robbie was rummaging in the ‘Ask Robbie’ mail bag and the question came up about oddly shaped chain rings on some of the bikes. They are supposed to 'kill the dead spots’ on each pedal stroke maximising efficiency. However, Robbie said he tried them once and is not a fan of ‘oblong’ chain rings, which sound like they’re more suited to pedalling in squares.

And the question came up as to why Thomas Voeckler was awarded the most combative prize in stage 3 and not Armindo Fonseca. Robbie and Mattie thought it was because he had a few mates on the judging panel, but the real reason Voeckler ended up with the most combative was because there was a mix up with the best gurning prize.

Not a lot happened on the road, however, the spectacular scenery of the route more than made up for the relative boredom of the stage. One couple passed the time with a game of chess on a spectacular outcrop. How they got up there with road bikes is anyone’s guess – scale the cliff face? Perhaps they got a heli drop from a Tour chopper?

Robbie and Mattie were caught by the Ps at 50.5 km to go. Phil spotted a perfectly executed crop circle in the shape of a bicycle. He wondered how the farmers do their crop art at ground level. Well Phil, it’s not the farmers you know...

While we’re on the topic of extraterrestrials, are we sure they were just bottles and not an alien trying to burst out of the back of a Tinkie domestique under his jersey?

With the breakies caught at 22 km to go, the riders started to pick up the pace as they headed toward Montauban. There was some tricky road furniture to navigate on the run in and at one point riders went around an onion shaped roundabout. Better not let Tony Abbott see that.

Paul was looking out for the green jersey on the shoulders of Peter Sagan. He said, “it’s easy to spot the green jersey”. Well yes, we presume, obviously, because it’s green and the other jerseys around it are not.

On the run to the finish the lead-out men got the big men ready for the sprint to the line. All eyes were on Kitteh but it was, “Cavendish, the Manx Missile, [who] scores another direct hit”. Well played Phil, well played.

This makes it three stage wins for Cav at this Tour and 29 Tour stage wins in total. He's had the lion's share of stage wins so far this Tour but it will be GVA bringing home more than one stuffed lion for the kid.

Stage 5 Limoges / Le Lioran - GVA FTW

After four days on flat roads, the riders got their first taste of the mountains in the Massif Central on the stage 5 216 km route from Limoges to Le Lioran.

In the Tour kitchen Gab’s prepared duck fillet with porcini mushrooms and green peppercorn sauce. Er, Gabs, I’ve run a few checks over the recipe and no butter – again. What happened to the supply from Normandy? Have you been secretly gnawing away on the butter all this time? ‘Year of the butter.’ Yeah, maybe for YOU Gabs!!!

Robbie dashed to the caravan of commentary after catching up with Tomo. Robbie described the ‘arsephalt’ surface of the road as being a bit rough.

The temperature had been steadily rising all morning and Robbie confessed that he would have liked a dip in a creek and a nanna-nap on the grass on a hot day when he was racing.

That may have been you Robbie put the nine man early breakaway wasn’t taking this stage lying down.

Andriy Grivko, Rafal Majka, Cyril Gautier, Greg Van Avermaet, Serge Pauwels, Bartosz Huzarski, Thomas De Gendt, Romain Sicard and Florian Vachon built a lead on a peloton happy to sit back while the breakies knocked themselves out. The lead bunch split again with Greg, Grivko and De Gendt taking off up the road.

At around 73 km to go GVA, Grivko and De Gendt had built a 15 minute lead and wondered if the peloton had stopped for a quick dip in the creek and a nanna-nap. It was clear the breakaway would survive but there was some tough climbing ahead.

Phil and Paul caught Robbie and Mattie at about 50km to go. Phil looked at the geography of the Massif Central and worried about the 6 million year old puys or extinct volcanoes rumbling back to life during the stage. Paul reassured Phil that, “there are ‘happy geologists’ taking a look at the plugs of extinct volcanoes.” Let’s hope they don’t pull any.

Paul was more concerned with the ‘heavy’ roads of the region slowing down the bikes. Perhaps they should have been made from lighter arsephalt?

The Skybots turn the tables on the Moviestars

At 35km to go the peloton, sensing it’d better hurry up or fall outside the cut-off time, stepped on the gas led by the Moviestars, who gave the Skybots a very Hollywood slap in the face.

Grivko couldn’t hang on to GVA and De Gendt on the climb of the Puy Mary. Back in the peloton Peter Sagan cracked and kissed goodbye to yellow as he was dropped. Sagan was still smiling for the cameras, or was he hiding a grimace?

A stage like today can be pretty tough for a sprinter and Paul noted of the climbs, “if we were in a hot air balloon we’d be throwing out the sandbags to get height”. We’ll be needing to turn off the hot air if we ever want to get back down again.

The Skybots turned the tables on the Moviestars giving them a slap or two. Meanwhile Julian Alaphilippe, (currently second in the GC standings) was, in the classic words of Paul, “fighting with his machine.”

Paul said GVA had 'a job in hand' to get the yellow jersey but he got the better of De Gendt and soloed away on the Col de Perthus. The ‘magnet of the maillot juane’ drew him ever closer to the finish. There was one tricky right hand turn that, according to Phil, if you didn’t make it you’d “go in for the full on barbecue”, but GVA went on to win the stage and slip on the golden fleece for the first time.

You could say it was a massif win for GVA, and on a sprayed BMC bike too. Previously, as Phil noted, the BMC team had ridden naked carbon.

Stage 4 Saumur / Limoges - Hello Kitteh!

Stage 4 and it was another long day in the saddle as the peloton made its way south 237.5 km to Limoges in search of warmer climes.

Gabs was slaving over a hot stove preparing a hearty beef shin stew with carrots. But something was missing from the recipe. I must have gone over it ten times but alas, no butter! Hmm, stage 4 and Gabs’ commitment to making this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is starting to look a little shaky.

Tuning into the race it looked like it might have shaped up to be a carbon copy of yesterday’s Sunday coffee ride but only longer. As it turned out the peloton had stepped on the gas like holiday makers trying to make it to the campsite by sundown.

In the caravan of commentary Robbie joined Mattie and extolled the benefits of a wine or two after a hard day on the road. He cautioned that if you drink too much of it you’ll reach the 'tipping point', so it pays to drink wisely if you’re relying on a cheeky red as a recovery aid.

We’re not quite at the first quarter mark of the Tour and already Mattie’s thoughts are with next year’s edition. He noted that German cycling, particularly in the form of sprint stars ‘The Gorilla’ Andre Greipel and Marcel Kittel (or ‘Kitteh’ as he is affectionately known) had come a long way in recent years. So much so that next year’s Grand Départ is from the German city of ‘Doozledorf’. That pronunciation was a bit of a doozy from Mattie but there’s still enough time to brush up on the Deutsch.

The peloton wound its way through the countryside and along side the rivers of the region. Some people in yellow boats formed the outline of a pilot fish for Phil. Field art is quite common at the Tour but occasionally there is some river art, which should never be attempted with a tractor.

Mattie and Robbie were discussing KOM leader Jasper Stuyven. As it turns out he runs a chocolate shop with his uncle and they’ve been busy turning out polka dot jersey choccies. Stuyven rides for Trek-Segafredo. I wonder if they do coffee in the chocolate shop as well?

Troll DJ busted out some of Blur’s ‘Country House’. Riders weren’t at full gas but would soon be a blur when the sprint got going.

Speaking of sprinters, at the stage 3 podium presso five time champion Bernard Hinault shook Cav’s hand, not to congratulate him on equalling his record of tour stage wins, but to seal a deal for Cav to buy the Limousin cow that belonged to Robbie. Robbie said he saw it in the butchers early that morning. Now we know where Gabs got the beef shin from.

The day’s route to the south showcased the many lovely towns and historical monuments the region has to offer. Mattie and Robbie spotted a pagoda, which made a nice change from boring chateaux.

Phil and Paul caught Matt and Robbie as the riders approached a ‘radioactive’ lake. I don’t think you’d want to take a rod down there, there’s a chance you might just catch a glow-in-the-dark three-eyed pilot fish. If fishing’s not your thing you can, according to Paul, still ‘practice water sports’ there.

The P’s reflected on the long career of the man known as ‘the eternal second’ French cyclist Raymond Poulidor. He’d finished on the podium a record eight times but never at the top. He’s here at the Tour as a yellow jersey ambassador, which is ironic since he never won the race overall.

At the age of 80 ‘Poupou’ is still well recognised in France and as Phil noted he can’t even eat a grapefruit in peace without old ladies poking at him.

Back to the race and the SherLiggettism drinking game was in full swing. ‘Throw down the gauntlet’ had the couch peloton throwing down the shots but Paul’s ‘the bank account of energy’ had us taking a second look at the grid. Looks like we’ll be adding another square if it gets another mention.

Phil thought he was at a theme park with, “you don’t have to go to Disneyland, this is a real rollercoaster ride”. He also noted that, “these roads are typically British”. Er, has anyone told him the Brexit result yet?

Phil and Paul swapped fishing analogies for ‘rabbits’ which had the couch peloton perplexed. Nonetheless, all this talk about rabbits had an effect during an ad break with the slogan, “Alpecin shampoo, German engineering for your hare”.

Maybe Phil and Paul were referring to the bunny-hopping on the traffic furniture by the lead out men but they were soon back in their hutches as the big sprinters made the uphill charge to the line.

Cav couldn’t make it back-to-back stage wins crossing the line in eighth. It was another close finish, this time between Marcel Kittel and Bryan Coquard. Judges called for the photo and it was Kitteh by a whisker.

Peter Sagan gets to ride another day in yellow. The road starts to get a little more lumpy in stage 5, an hors d'oeuvres, if you like, to the big mountains ahead. Will the world champ hang on to the golden fleece for one more day? Sagan is having a bit of a floater at the moment, so there's every chance he will.