Stage 18 Sallanches / Megève - Better Watch Out For The Skin Deep

Stage 18 and the Tour was back in France for the second time trial, and shortest stage of the Tour, the 17 km individual time trial from Sallanches to Megève.

As the Tour approaches its final days, Gabs prepared a special dish of yabby turnovers with truffle. Gabs used his keen sense of smell to sniff out the truffles from under the oak trees so he didn’t have to spend a penny on this luxury ingredient.

Speaking of luxuries, butter has been more of a luxury lately but it’s back in this recipe with 40g, taking the buerremetric counter to 830g.

An uphill time trial called for different approaches to equipment. The demand for aerodynamic efficiency isn’t so great for climbing. A number of riders opted just for their normal road bike. Others thought strap-on extension bars were the way to go. For others nothing less than the full TT kit would do.

By the time we joined the caravan of commentary many riders had already completed the course. Ion Izaguirre got his turn in the hot seat.

Roadside randoms were out in force but were noticeably better behaved than at Mount Ventoux the week before. Clearly they heeded Richie Porte’s stern talking to.

A rather poor looking Didi copy, a facsimile of the devil if you like, was bouncing around on the course. I mean come on, there’s only one Didi!

Gerard Depardieu was back at the side of the road on his annual Tour de France bender dressed in an Obelix costume.

Mattie recounted Kiwi Shane Archbold’s heroics after crashing and completing the previous day’s stage with a broken pelvis. Not quite the ‘blood and snot on the handle bars’ but cyclists are a bloody tough lot.

Jakob Fuglsang, who has some of the best hair in the peloton, rode his standard road bike like a virtual time trial with virtual extension bars except it was a real time trial.

All eyes were on Tom Dumoulin who won the first time trial in stage 13. He went the full kit and there was a touch of excitement in Robbie’s voice as he described Tom’s latex skinsuit and long socks. I do wonder about the long socks though, is Dumoulin a maths/science teacher when he’s off the bike?

Dumoulin was clearly popular with the fans who formed a Mexican wave of noise on the climb.

Mattie had made mention of Chris Froome being measured up for another skinsuit and it really had us guessing if he’d come out in an ultra shiny yellow outfit in an effort to out-do Dumoulin.

Sky unveils next season's skinsuit look

Mattie noticed Wilco Kelderman had gone the safer option and ditched the full rear disc that caused him so much grief in stage 13. Still his effort was well off the mark and Mattie recalled when he was known as ‘Wilco Keldermerckx’ because he used to win everything.

Dumoulin was setting a cracking pace and passed Jan Bakelants and his only response was with a shake of his head.

Thomas De Gendt knocked off Izaguirre from the hot seat but wasn’t there for very long as Dumoulin finished 41 seconds faster than de Gendt.

A tricky chicane on the approach to the line caused a few nervous moments. Staying safe is the key and in words worthy of a T-shirt print Robbie advised that, “slower is sometimes faster”.

It was time for Matt and Robbie to duck off to the side with the team cars to make way for Phil and Paul.

Paul noted Fabio Aru was 17 km from the finish line, which came as no surprise as he hadn’t started yet.

Phil said, “Tom Dumoulin set the bar very high here”. Well yes, but in order to achieve that he needed to set the bars very low to get the maximum aerodynamic advantage.

Geraint Thomas left the start house wearing a silky black skinsuit with see-through cutaways at the back. Jesus, did he pick it up from an adult shop?

Aru got going and finally began to close that 17 km gap to the finish line and put in a blistering effort to finish third.

It was Richie Portes' time to go and Paul thought Phil let fly with a ‘Richie Froome’. Now Paul had planted the seed we just knew it was going to happen in real life.

Nairo Quintana made a quick start and looked more at home on his customised time trial bike than in stage 13. After all the hills suit Quintana better than the flat and managed a top ten finish.

Adam Yates hit the road with a ‘Yates you can’ attitude in his bid to claw back time from Bauke Mollema. Mollema didn’t have the greatest of runs finishing down in seventeenth place.

Porte was nine seconds faster than Dumoulin at first time check and looked to be in control.

The final rider of the day Chris Froome went with the full on time trial bike with full disc at the back, which according to boundary rider Jens Voigt was the ‘risky option’.

At the second time check Porte was eight seconds down on Dumoulin and it was going to take a big effort. Porte came home in third and then was upgraded to second. Now all Dumoulin and Porte could do was wait and see how Froome would go.

Froome looked slow and there were no time checks appearing on screen but by the time he reached the third time check he was ahead of Dumoulin.

On the downhill run to the chicane section before the line Paul spotted Froome, “getting into a strange position”, as he tried to squeeze every bit of advantage from his ride.

As Froome crossed the line it was clear he was here for a big smack down and finished 21 seconds ahead of Dumoulin and extended his lead in yellow to 03’ 52” ahead of Mollema.

There’s still Friday and Saturday to go in the mountains but so long as he can stay upright, Chris Froome has pretty much got his third Tour win in the bag.

Stage 17 Berne / Finhaut-Emosson - A Sweet Win for Zakarin

Stage 17 and the Tour resumed from the final rest day for 184.5 km ride to the mountains from Berne to Finhaut-Emosson in Switzerland.

With another hot day forecast, Gabs prepared a cool and refreshing cucumber and smoked trout terrine with some trout caught by Phil that morning. To smoke the fish Phil improvised by converting the caravan of commentary into a smoker by placing the time trial hot seat in there with some cuckoo clock wood shavings.

No butter in the recipe and with only a handful of stages remaining Gabs’ vow to make this Tour ‘the year of the butter’ is looking very shaky indeed.

The rest day was largely a relaxed affair with the riders cooling off with a dip in the Aare River that runs through Berne.

With the Olympics just around the corner it was time for some riders to take stock and consider whether to push on to Paris. Mark Cavendish answered the call from the British selectors to come home and Rohan Dennis called it quits.

When we joined the caravan of commentary the race was well and truly on. Warren Barguil was spotted sporting a torn-look jersey. Was he making a fashion statement? No, turned out he was involved in a crash with Borut Bozic, and Gorka Izagirre and the road surface, which acted like a grater on breathable fabric and skin.

The scenery was incredible with many oohs and aahs from the couch peloton. Switzerland, you hot mess of a country you!

If you thought the mountains were spectacular, the waterfalls (or cascades) were equally impressive – just don’t go chasing them, save the chasing for the breakaway. Oh yeah, whatever you do don’t go standing under La Cascade de Pissevache...

With a big cat. 1 and hors categorie climbs ahead, Robbie reflected on how difficult a mountain stage was in the final week of the Tour. To Robbie it was like, “you look down at your legs and all you’ve got is two barbecued sausages”. Now I’m not sure if he was referring to severe sunburn, legs burning red hot with lactic acid or a hunger induced meat-o-vision hallucination like in the cartoons.

Cooked

The Ps made their catch at 36 km to go and came across some very impressive precision crop circles at Valais. Paul thought a farmer must have used a GPS guided tractor. The Swiss are known for precision but the execution of the lines and circles looked TOO precise for GPS.

Phil talked about his time when he encountered the famous canine breed the Saint Bernard. He had difficulty controlling them, they kept running away and rescuing people buried in snow and wouldn’t sit still long enough for Phil to pour a brandy from the barrel under its chin.

The riders reached cat. 1 Col de la Forclaz. Tony Gallopin went on the attack in the desperate hope he could try and get a French stage win. Alexey Lutsenko went solo but Rafal Majka made it first to the summit hoovering up more KOM points. Jarlinson Pantano was riding with the pride of Colombia on his shoulders for their national day and went over the top with Majka.

Back in the GC group on the Forclaz, Tejay van Garderen was dropped with all hope of a high finish in Paris gone. Post race he said he had no excuses. Phil and Paul thought he was suffering what Paul calls a ‘strange reaction’ to the rest day. Whatever it was in the end it was I beg your pardon, I never promised you a van Garderen.

Vincenzo Nibali nursed his protégé Fabio Aru up the climbs and I can’t seem to shake this disturbing image of a grown man attached to one of Nibali’s nipples.

Diego Rosa played a role as a booster rocket for Aru but was ejected when the job was done. Meanwhile Katusha rider Ilnur Zakarin was rocketing up the final climb to Finhault-Emosson.

Riding for Colombian on its own wasn’t going to do it for Pantano. Russian Zakarin has his bags packed for Rio but still doesn’t know if he’s going.

Zakarin crossed the line to win his first stage at the Tour and even I was exhausted just watching that uphill drag to the line in the final couple of hundred metres.

Back in the GC group with van Garderen gone it was up to Richie Porte to take the lead for BMC. Froome latched on to his wheel and Porte was working for Froome. Again.

All eyes were on Nairo Quintana with time running out for a Paris podium finish. CANtana do it? Adam Yates, Romain Bardet, Aru and Louis Meintjes had other ideas and left Quintana in their wake. Adam Yates must have been inspired by the ‘Yates You Can’ slogans that have been painted on the roads throughout the Tour. Sadly, for Quintana this Tour is shaping up to be CAN’Tana.

Froome increased his lead over Bauke Mollema to 02’ 27”. It’s going to be tough for anyone to try and pare back that lead.

When you’re out of gas in the final week of the Tour it’s a loooong walk to the next petrol station in the mountains.

Stage 12 Montpellier / Mont Ventoux - Born to Run

Stage 12 and the riders set off on a slightly shortened 184 km route from Montpellier to the ‘Giant of Provence’, the mythical Mont Ventoux.

The peloton was going to need every bit of energy to tackle the steep climb so a hearty chicken casserole with olives and capsicum. No butter this time after the massive effort with the snails. Gabs, I know people are health conscious and all that but did you know butter is good for you now? Much better than that ghastly margarine dieticians have been telling us to use for years.

Out on the road and it was a fairly straight forward affair on relatively flat roads. Fabio Aru was spotted getting a full bike service on the move from the Asstana Team car.

Hats off to the mechanic, that’s some feat to be able to replace a crank set with chin just a few inches above the road going at 60 km/h. The commissaires were less impressed. Aru had trouble separating from the team car. Sticky bidon is a common problem in pro-cycling but sticky car?

Troll DJ busted out the Miami Vice theme to a montage of the beautiful sites and the water sporting activities of the Mediterranean coast. The tour is always scenic, but this year the scenery has been ridiculously good.

With category blow-your-beret-off winds forecast for the moonscape top of Mont Ventoux, the race finish was moved six kilometres down the road. The caravan of commentary was actually in a supermarket carpark miles away. Robbie and Mattie were taking no chances, it’d disintegrate in the winds at the top of the mountain.

The Man from Mansfield Simon Gerrans may have been a victim of the wind or perhaps a spot of oil on the road when leading a chase his front wheel washed out on a corner and hit the deck hard. His new ORICA-BikeExchange jersey was torn and he was bleeding but it looked like nothing was broken.

It was later revealed Gerrans had broken his collar bone and pulled out of the Tour to try and heal in time for the Olympics. He's had a few broken bones over the years and makes you wonder how many falls can Gerro’s body take?

Mattie was admiring the hairstyles in the peloton, remarkable really since they were all wearing helmets. He noted Bryan Coquard’s sprinting ability and admire's the young Frenchman's ‘quaff’. Andre Greipel adopted a ‘hairodynamic’ position on his bike to stay out of the wind.

Phil and Paul were having a slow day only catching Robbie and Mattie a 22 km to go near the base of the mythical mountain.

Paul thought Simon Gerrans had had a ‘funny crash’. I don’t think Gerro thought it was very funny.

Phil called the leading group hitting the lower slopes of the Giant of Provence the ‘Twelve Musketeers’. Sounds like they come in three additional sets now days. That, or Phil will be telling us Jesus only had three disciples next.

In a surprise move Andre Greipel went on the attack as the road tilted upwards. This Tour has been something - climbers attacking on flat stages, sprinters on mountain stages. What’s the world coming to?

Greipel the mountain gorilla continued charging up the road like an enraged silverback and Paul wondered when Nairo Quintana would ‘light the blue touch paper’ and set off some Bastille Day fireworks.

Froome makes the dash up the Mont Ventoux

Bastille Day always draws a large crowd to the roadside at the Tour but today was more crowded. The shortened finish and because fans who made the attempt to get to the top of the mountain were blown back down it created a corridor of noise concentrate.

As the climb got steeper the rope, Phil’s words, was running out on the riders as they started to crack and fall off the back.

In the final kilometres of the race Bertjan Lindeman, Dani Navarro, Serge Pauwels and Thomas de Gendt were in the lead group. Frenchman Sylvain Chavenel joined the group but fell away along with Lindeman. With the Frenchman gone it was time for the Colombian Navarro to step up to honourary French status because he rides for Cofidis.

Further down the road Quintana lit the blue touch paper and attacked followed by Sergio Henao (you know how it goes).

As the remaining lead trio headed toward the line Thomas de Gendt was riding like Thomas de Tank Engine. At 1 km to go the 1 km to kite was missing after being blown away by the wind. Serge Pauwels surged but it wasn’t enough as de Gendt crossed the line.

Down the road Chris Froome decided to go taking Richie Porte and Bauke Mollema with him. Porte was working for Froome just like old times. It was all too much for Quintana who raised the white flag.

Then disaster struck as a moto suddenly stopped and Porte, Froome and Mollema crashed into it. Mollema and Porte recovered but the GC leader was left without a bike. Froome tossed away the rule book and started RUNNING, YES, RUNNING up the road.

Neutral service eventually caught up with Froome and handed him what looked like a kids bike. Of course the bike was slow coming from neutral service. Honestly, a $150 Huffy bike would have done a better job. The Skybot team came to the rescue with a proper bike but it looked like the damage had been done.

We were not sure if we were still watching the Tour de France or just watched Chris Froome compete in his first triathlon. Not a bad effort though, it’s not easy walking in cleats let alone run in them.

Chaos ensued, fingers pointed to overcrowding, drunken fans or a combination of the two that forced the moto to a sudden halt.

Froome’s hold on yellow looked to be in jeopardy but on the upside he’d just qualified for the Kenyan Olympic running team.

As the world waited on the judges’ decision Peter Sagan accepted his green jersey on a hundred gazillion points. In the post race interview he said, “for me it’s okay, for Chris Froome I don’t think so”.

The GC was still up in the air, the provisional result had Adam Yates in yellow and Froome in eighth. As we waited for the result Robbie and Tomo were in disbelief but with some time to kill there was no better time than to preview tomorrow’s individual time trail and marathon.

The wait dragged on and still no podium presso for the golden fleece. Bernard Hinault was there to help officiate but all he wanted to do was to get home to his cows.

Just before the meter ran out on the satellite feed, Tomo had word that Froome had hung on to yellow.

Condolences to the family and friends of the victims of the terrible attack in Nice on Bastille Day. 

Words fail me.

Stage 8 Pau / Bagnères-de-Luchon - The Hare of the Dog

Stage 8 and day two of the Tour’s weekend adventure in the Pyrenees for a tough 184 km in the saddle from Pau to Bagnères-de-Luchon.

Gabs had a lovely dessert in mind to mark the first week of the Tour with apricots and peaches poached in wine. But wait, no butter! Gabs, you made a good start in the early days of the Tour but you can’t just go for a few days without ‘the butter’ and make a token gesture with 20g here and 20g there and expect us not to notice. We want to see a big show of the butter in the coming week.

Before racing got under way, Paul gave his thoughts on the stage. He thinks it’s one to separate the “men from the boys”. Robbie had a more bucolic view and said it was one to separate, “the wheat from the chaff”.

By the way, Robbie should do the ‘Ask Robbie’ on camera segment by opening an envelope like they did in Ask the Leyland Brothers.

There’s an adage that goes something along the lines of ‘between a conspiracy and a stuff-up it’s usually a stuff-up'. Investigations into ‘Kitegate’ revealed this wasn’t the result of a lone-wolf trying to sabotage the Tour. Turns out a hapless spectator got the power cord caught in a belt and unplugged the machine that blows air into the arch to keep it up. Mr Bean. Can’t take him anywhere.

Tour Director Christian Prudhomme apologised profusely and said Adam Yates, who ended up receiving a number of stitches in his chin, was ‘elegant’ about the whole incident.

Prudhomme announced that security would be beefed up around the flamme rouge arch machine. Since Gabriel Gate’s gendarme brother Francois is no longer with us, the army is sending a hand-picked elite team of the toughest Legionnaires instead.

Out on the road there was no early breakaway. On the first big climb of the day, T-bone Pinot was determined to pick up the KOM points on the hors categorie Col de Tourmalet. There was a big turnout of spectators and the cafe on the corner of the climb was charging prices that’d make baby Jesus cry.

Once over the summit of Col de Tourmalet, the riders descended at break-neck speed on roads that look like knock-yourself-out-stupid fun. Robbie and Mattie recounted the time Tour boundary rider The Jensie crashed out after hitting an ‘invisible bump’.

The latest from the rumour mill is that Alberto Contador will go to Trek-Segafredo but The Jensie doesn’t think so.

There was a startling development in the ongoing mystery of ‘Gantrygate’ from the opening stage of the 2013 Tour. Robbie confessed to being on the Orica-GreenEDGE bus that hit the gantry.

Let’s put it this way. If I was the boss of a bus company I’d be hesitant about giving Robbie a job as a driver, particularly in South Melbourne in the vicinity of the Montague Street bridge.

Still, the mystery remains - was Robbie the ‘magic bullet’ in the OGE bus incident? Might write a book about that.

Robbie was talking about how riders stay hydrated when they’re racing. He cautioned that, “when you start on the coke, there’s no stopping”.

Assessing a cat. one climb.

From the ‘Ask Robbie’ mailbag, he fielded a question about how do they categorise the climbs? Robbie explained it was all done with spirit levels and protractors. Really? That’s not what I was told. You see, they get a bunch of cats to wander up the climbs and they rate them when they’re done. Now if the cats can’t be arsed with a climb they just rate them as hors categorie, even though they don’t know what it means.

Robbie noticed, “the strap around the chest of Mikel Landa”. Look, we don’t want to know.

Second question from the mailbag was why do riders appear to open up the brakes on a climb? Well, you see it’s all to do with rim rub...OK, I think we’re done Robbie.

A big mountain stage like today can bring some surprise attacks, even the clouds lurking behind the mountains are known to spring a thunderstorm with no warning. Mattie noted the work of the Skybots around, “number one protected man, Chris Froome” Does he get taken up hill in an Armaguard van?

Mattie and Robbie were inevitably caught by Phil and Paul. Paul said, “the Tour de France leapfrogs to Rio de Janeiro in August”, so clearly the race isn’t ending in Paris this year.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of Paul, has anyone else noticed his obsession with practicing water sports?

On the final climb of the day, the Col de Peyresourde, Sergio Henao (you know the rest) was guiding Chris Froome to the summit. In a move no one saw coming, Froome launched himself from the summit adopting a ‘hareodynamic’ position and took off like a dog that just stole a link of sausages from the butchers shop.

Paul thought Froome, “has thrown caution to the wind and tactics out the window”. The Jensie reacted with, “crafty move, talk about British understatement”. Spot on Paul and Jensie, that was one hell of a descent and it was enough to secure a stage win and the golden fleece from the shoulders of GVA.

In the post race wrap-up Robbie was understandably wowed by Froome but warned, “riding on the tube top, don’t try this at home kids”.

ME: *drops mic*

Stage 7 L'Isle-Jourdain / Lac de Payolle - Cummings Escapes Arch Rivals to Solo Win

Stage 7 and the Tour has reached the Pyrenees for a weekend in the mountains. At 162.5 km the route was shorter than what the peloton had become accustomed too but factor in the climbs and it’s still a long day in the saddle.

Over in the hot Tour kitchens Gabs was preparing a ‘comforting French winter dish’ of lamb and bean casserole. A bit unusual in the middle of summer in the south of France but Gabs thought a hearty dish would help the riders get through the mountains.

At last, the buerremetric counter made a move from back in stage 3 with the addition of 20g of butter taking it to 540g. Looks like the online petition from the peloton worked this time.

Out on the road and the 12 man early breakaway carrying Peter Sagan and Mark Cavenish was eventually reeled in by the peloton at the 43 km mark.

As we were joined by the caravan of commentary team Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen, the riders passed what looked like a hot air balloon getting ready for lift off. Finally, a real hot air balloon you can throw out the sandbags from to gain height! On closer inspection it turned out to be not a hot air balloon just Phil and Paul doing their commentary warm up.

Being a Friday afternoon the staff from French TV were staggering about and rather clumsily pouring out glasses of wine for themselves and for the commentary and media teams assembled at the finish. Robbie was tempted but thought he might have a quite vino or two after the race. Best to lay off the booze at that time of day, things were already getting a bit messy out there and there’d already been an ugly incident over at the Eurosport commentary caravan.

Troll DJ turned on the music busting out the classic ‘Bicycle Race’. What? It’s the Queen stage already? That’s usually reserved for the final week of the Tour.

Robbie and Mattie were chewing the fat over how many of the riders in the peloton speak English. Robbie thought it would be most, except for Tony Martin, “who doesn’t speak much in any language” but is, “fluent in 54-11”. Enough said.

Just before Robbie and Mattie were caught the peloton passed a field art bicycle with a back wheel that imploded when it came into view of the Tour chopper.

Phil and Paul made their catch at 4 km earlier than on previous stages so they must have either had the hammer down or melting ‘arsephalt’ slowed Robbie and Mattie down.

Paul saw an old abbey that was once badly damaged during the French Revolution but had been ‘severely’ reconstructed. Not sure about that Paul, it didn’t look like the work of brutalist architects from here.

Phil and Paul were anticipating a battle between the GC contenders on the final climb of the day on the ‘slopes of the S bend’. Paul was particularly worried about a sharp corner on the Col d’S bend, but bends don’t have corners, oh never mind.

A large leading group of 29 men had formed and at 39 km to go Matti Breschel, Antoine Duschesne and Dani Navarro popped out the front of the now splintered group, which Phil called the ‘three carrots’. There was some misty-eyed reminiscing about the now defunct Team Carrot but fortunately the trio didn’t crash out.

The carrot reference may have meant they were the carrot to a hungry chasing bunch of donkeys. It was clear from Tour boundary rider Jens Voigt that there was no stick driving the peloton, however, the Skybots were ‘burning matches’.

The collapse of the flamme rouge deflates the spirit of the peloton.

Steve Cummings made his way up to the carrots and took of rather suddenly at 27km to go. Was the move reckless? All the carrots had to say was, “this is really something”.

The chase was on from Vincenzo Nibali, GVA, Dani Navarro and Daryl Impey. Cummings ascended the Col d’S bend minus the sandbags and it was soon apparent there was no way this fish would be reeled in.

Further down the slopes Phil saw Dominico, ‘Pots of Eno’, ‘Pots of Evo’ (we suspect Phil may have had one or two glasses of vino) make a little move, and thanks to Phil, Dominico Pozzovivo is now clearly ahead of Vincenzo Nibali in the how-many-ways-can-we-mangle-a-surname competition.

As Cummings soloed to the finish, Paul said, ‘the champagne will be in short supply”. Yeah, we kind of figured that judging from the commentary.

Steve Cummings crossed the line and what a ride! He knows not to throw stones but certainly knows when it’s time to throw out the sandbags.

It wasn’t time to celebrate on the dregs of the champagne yet, the rest of the riders had to come home and just as Adam Yates from OBE (ORICA-BikeExchange) approached the 1 km to go flamme rouge inflatable arch, it punctured, causing Yates to chute leaving his face bleeding.

Chaos ensued as the peloton tried to work its way through the flaccid arch like it was some kind tactile interactive art installation.

The motos stopped to lend a hand, God knows when neutral service would show up and we all know how hopelessly slow they are at dealing with punctures.

Until race organisers launch an investigation we can only speculate on what caused the red kite to deflate. Was it a stone or a piece of glass? Was it a simple case of the generator running out of petrol? No, blame it on the EU, it gets blamed for particularly everything else.

The couch peloton drew comparisons with the infamous OGE (Orica-GreenEDGE) bus incident back in stage 1 of the 2013 Tour de France which featured in the very first edition of Le Wrap. Makes you wonder about what it is with OGE/OBE and gantries/red kites at or near the finish line.