Stage 5 Vittel / La Planche des Belles Filles - Aru All Smiles

Stage 5 of the Tour kicked off under sunny skies but a cloud of controversy over yesterday’s disqualification of Peter Sagan over that elbow knock to Mark Cavendish. Perhaps for the Manx Missile it was a bit of ‘what goes around, comes around’ with his history of playing rough in the sprint. Many fans and commentators were of the opinion that Sagz should have been disqualified for the stage but not kicked out of the Tour altogether.

The takeaway from all this folks is just don’t play rough in the sprint, someone’s going to catch you one day.

While we’re on the topic of takeaway, Robbie and Mattie were still fielding questions about how riders answer the call of nature. Again, without too much information, they explained what Mattie called a ‘takeaway nature break’, the nature break you take without stopping. I guess that makes sense when you order a coffee to go.

From the start an eight rider breakaway got away including seasoned riders Edvald Boasson Hagen, birthday boy Philippe Gilbert, Thomas De Gendt and ‘French housewives’ favourite’ Thomas Voeckler.

Jan Bakelants was in the breakaway too and much had been made of derogatory comments he made about podium women prior to the Tour. He apologised for the remarks but he won’t be able to play it down for some time yet. Interestingly I seemed to keep hearing Matt and Robbie call him ‘Bugalugs’. I’ll pay that, from now on its Jan Bugalugs.

As the peloton passed through Saint-Loupe-Sur-Semouse, Mattie noted it’s claim to fame was furniture production, hence the town is known as the ‘city of furniture’, not to be confused with ‘cities of road furniture’, which is just about everywhere else in Europe.

Ad watch: by now it’s hard to escape the Skoda ad doing the rounds (it’s a major sponsor of the Tour de France). At first we thought it was clever, playing on the car company’s slogan ‘simply clever’. It features the co-inventor of wifi pondering who was behind inventions and innovations such as the traffic light and who came up with roasting coffee beans. It’s starting to wear thin by now and I have a question - annoying ads on high rotation, who was the inventor?

From what I’ve heard these Skodas are pretty good and maybe it’s time for Robbie to ditch the old Citroen – all Mattie could smell on the long steep drive up to La Planche des Belle Filles was clutch.

Fabio Aru opens up on La Planche des Belles Filles

Troll DJ had been a little quiet, suggesting the Spotify subscription had run out. Once again my request went unanswered, that being anything by Elbow...

At the intermediate sprint Boasson Hagen got the points, which was wonderful.

It wasn’t long before the riders were, according to Mattie, "getting their tickets ready for business class at the pointy end".

Thomas Voeckler grabbed a bidon from the team car to cool off and performed all his checks for take-off;

Sunnies?

Check.

Gel?

Check.

Tongue?

Check.

Philippe Gilbert was enjoying his birthday breakaway and as the group headed uphill ‘blew out the candles and went for the cake’ taking Bugalugs with him.

Inevitably the attacks came and riders where being dropped left right and centre. The Skybots reeled in Bugalugs and Gilbert and with a quick hug their day was done.

At 2.4km to go Fabio Aru launched his attack with Chris Froome, Dan Martin, the twelve year old Romain Bardet and our own Richie Porte hot on his heels.

Aru proved too strong and soloed to his first Tour stage victory. The Sardinian couldn’t contain his huge smile and according to Mattie had his, “mouth wide open like a flip-top head for a toothbrush commercial”.

Geraint Thomas handed over the golden fleece to fellow Skybot Froome and Porte moved up to fifth.

No doubt Froome will be doing everything to stay in yellow all the way to Paris but it’s early days and there are many more battles to come.

Stage 3 Verviers / Longwy - It's a Longw(a)y to the Top

Stage 3 and the peloton made its way from Verviers, Belgium to arrive on French soil in Longwy via tiny Luxembourg.

At last the sun was out to ease the nerves of the crash-ridden first two stages in the wet.

Gabs took time out to sample the delights of Luxembourg - cakes and fruity Riesling were the order of the day - so much so Gabs neglected to feed the peloton. That might explain the lack of recipes this year and I've all but given up on the buerremetric counter. Needless to say the peloton is not happy and soigneurs have been seen flinging packets of 2 minute noodles to riders at dinner time.

In the caravan of commentary there was time for a bit of Les Vaches du Tour chat although cows have been thin on the ground so far. Keeno made special mention of Wanty-Group Gobert’s resident farmer Frederik Bakaert who was in a six rider breakaway along with perennial grand tour rider Aussie Adam Hansen.

As it turns out Bakaert helped milk NINETY cows before heading to the Tour. Was that all by hand? That’s a lot of cows. Maybe after the Tour he could give the Benny Andersson lookalike in ‘River Cottage Australia’ a hand if the house blows away in a storm.

Robbie’s mail bag time and the first question was what do riders do when they need to answer the call of nature. Without going into too much information he explained that it was better to keep on rolling than come to a complete stop and then have waste energy catching up to the rest of the peloton.

For this reason Robbie thinks it’s a worthwhile skill for a pro-rider to master although he hastened to add you’d want to practice on quite country roads. Yeah fair enough, practicing a rolling nature break is probably not a good idea on a commuter ride through city traffic.

I for one can’t help but think for the rest of the riders with iron bladders who managed to hang on for the whole stage must have been looking forward to a long wee in Longwy.

A big shout out to the French team who bring us the pictures - the new onscreen graphics are bigger so you can properly read the distance to go now. Word has it the overhaul was in response to the deteriorating eyesight of an ageing MAMIL and MAWIL fan base.

Belgians Philippe Gilbert and Greg Van Avermaet where among the favourites to win the hilly stage. Robbie and Matt noted that Greg Van Avermaet was named after American three time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond. Perhaps he parents could have gone one step further and named him Greg LeAvermaet.

In the later stages of the race all the breakies were absorbed with Lilian Calmejane reeled in after going solo at 10km to go.

Before the finish in Longwy the riders faced a 1.6km drag at 5.8% gradient up the Côte des Religieuses. This was where the cream of the punchier riders rose to the top. Richie Porte launched a surprise attack with the help of his BMC teammates but despite current world road race champ Peter Sagan pulling his foot from the pedal in the final uphill sprint, Sagan re-clipped and pipped Aussie Michael Matthews, Dan Martin and Greg LeAvermaet in a thrilling finish.

Sagan notched up Tour stage victory number eight and like Greg LeMond did all those years ago he's cementing his place in Tour history as one of the greats.

Stage 13 Bourg-Saint-Andéol / La Caverne du Pont-d'Arc - Dumoulin Dominates Time Trial

Stage 13 and after the comic drama on Mont Ventoux, it was time for the first individual time trial of the Tour on a hilly 37.5 km route from Bourg-Saint-Andéol to La Caverne du Pont-d'Arc.

Gabs prepared a special Friday treat, chocolate dessert with chestnuts. No butter and look, I know it’s been a few days and the peloton has started murmuring but you are forgiven just this once because CHOCOLATE!

I do think Gabs is having a bit of a laugh though with the addition of glacé chestnuts as a nod to the old chestnut of complaints about the lack of ‘the butter’ in the recipes. Oh Gabs, you’re such a card!

By the time we were joined by the caravan of commentary team, many riders had already completed their time trial in descending order according to the GC standings.

The ‘race of truth’ requires special bikes with extension bars, HR Giger inspired helmets, and skinsuits. All this is designed to help the rider to be as aerodynamic as possible in their attempt to beat the clock.

In recent years a lot of development has gone into the skinsuit improving a second here, a second there. Yet for all the space age breathable fabrics, experimentation with cut and contouring and hours of wind tunnel testing, what do they do to it? Pin a low-tech bib number to it.

Robbie noticed some skinsuits looked like latex. Well, you know, each to their own.

Inevitably the chaos of Mont Ventoux came up as a topic of conversation. Debate had raged over the judges’ decision to give Chris Froome the same time as Richie Porte and Bauke Mollema at the time of the stack into the moto.

Then there was the question of Froome advancing up the road on foot. Well yes, it is a bike race and not a triathlon but accepted wisdom is that you finish on a bike, in which case he did.

So yes, I agree fully with Robbie that it was the right decision to award Froome the yellow jersey. After all the crash wasn’t his fault and the judges had to acknowledge the embarrassment and humiliation of that omnishambles of a contraption laughingly called a bicycle handed to him by neutral service. In fact if he’d made it to the finish on that bike he probably deserved a time bonus of 30 seconds.

Out on the course Alexis Gougeard set the fastest time to be bettered by Maciej Bodnar. Former Hour Record holder Rohan Dennis set the fastest time until Nelson Oliveira claimed the hot seat and spent a considerable amount of time there.

Then it was Tom Dumoulin’s time to go. He was blistering on the time checks and because Oliveira had perspired so much Mattie advised him to make sure to wipe down the hot seat before he departed.

Strong winds out on the course had to be factored into the choice of which wheel to use. A full rear disc is pretty standard on the back of a time trial bike but what to put on the front?

Going double disc wasn’t even a question - riders would have been blown into the gorgeous Ardèche Gorge by the cross winds. The main choices were Tuff or spoke with variations of rim thickness in between.

While equipment is critical to the time trial, Robbie couldn’t stress more the importance of ‘dosing your efforts’. Err, that’s not legal, is it?

There were more riders to come and Sylvain Chavenel muscled his bike to the finish.

On the course Wilco Kelderman was trying to tack into the wind to avoid being swept off the road. Let that be a lesson – don’t go out on a windy time trial with a Tuff on the front.

Fabio Aru left the start house hoping to get a full service on his time trial bike from the mechanic in the team car.

To use the wheel-pizza base comparison Dan Martin went with deep pan on the back and thin crust on the front. Wasn’t a big help though.

As the start list whittled its way down to the GC contenders, all eyes were on Chris Froome and whether he could beat the 50’ 15” set by Tom Dumoulin.

Earlier the skin suit fitters were around at the Skybot team hotel measuring up Froome and he said, “make it a skinny”. Lulz ensued.

Nairo Quintana was out on the course and cut it fine, or wide I should say, on a left hander that nearly took him into the wall of a building. Quintana looked like he was over-spinning a bit on the pedals but wasn’t doing too bad a job for a pure climber and finished in 20^th. Where’s there a neutral service moto when you need it...

Finally it was time for the yellow jersey to go. Froome gained time at each of the time checks to finish 01’ 03” behind Dumoulin but take second place for the stage. Froome increased his GC lead over his nearest rival Bauke Mollema to 01’ 47”. As we enter the final week of the Tour Froome is looking certain to be on top of the podium in Paris.

Presentation time was a solemn affair with respective jersey holders and the day’s winner paying their respects to the victims of the horror Bastille Day attack in Nice.

Stage 11 Pau / Cauterets - Vallée de Saint-Savin - Vaches Slalom Tests Tour on the Tourmalet

Stage 11 and the Tour spent a second day in the Pyrenees from Pau to Cauterets - Vallée de Saint-Savin.

Meanwhile Gabs had been nicking peaches from trees hanging over fences in the pretty Pyrenean towns on the way to Cauterets and  turned them into a lovely upside-down peach tart. I don’t quite get when a cake or desert is described as ‘upside-down’, which in my case means having dropped it on the floor. The recipe calls for 50g of butter which brings the buerremetric counter to 180g.

The peloton set off to another hot day in the Pyrenees and Romain Bardet was clearly in trouble struggling with heat stress and rode with an icepack on the back of his neck to try and cool down. Things weren’t helped by the breakies who made their escape from the get go forcing the peloton to chase all day.

The Pyrenean vultures were soaring above the valleys on the thermals and Paul spotted one that he thought was checking out how the Skybots were going. No signs of weakness there and really Paul, I think that vulture was more interested in road kill than the cycling to be honest.

Back on the ground and the ‘Birdman of Alpe d’Huez’ was perched on a camping car flapping his white wings. He seems to have grown more feathers and is looking more vulture like than the last time we saw him.

Nice feathers!

On the climb to the summit of the giant Col de  Tourmalet the peloton made its way through the ski lodges of La Mongie and a little further up the road passed an all-you-can-eat megaliner of a 'chalet' that looked like Falls Creek on steroids. I wouldn’t want to be caught there indoors in winter during a major gastro outbreak.

Rafal Majka soloed up the Tourmalet and from there no one could catch him. After Majka summited Warren Barguil was in the chase trying to bridge the gap when some vaches of the Pyrenees wandered off the slopes and onto the road. He must have pushing 100km/h but successfully negotiated the impromptu ‘vaches slalom.’

Normally you’d expect to find a 50kg Pyrenean mountain dog in the middle of the road up here and theories abounded as to why the cows staged the Peter Hore like pitch invasion. Was it revenge after an elephant and a stuffed bear upstaged them at last year’s Tour? Perhaps they were jealous the vultures were getting all the attention.

Paul thought the cow Barguil narrowly avoided was “almost a hamburger”. I can tell you if he had hit the cow Barguil would have most certainly been cactus.

There wasn’t much anyone could do to stop the herd from blocking the road but the ‘steaks’ are high at that the Tour and maybe officials ought to have a look at ‘beefing up’ security.

Vaches or no vaches these roads are tricky on the descent and I could have sworn I heard a  moto cameraman say “holy fuck” on one of the tighter corners.

As the race made the final climb of the day up the crazy zig-zag Magic Majka was well out in front and needed no assistance from a ‘sticky moto aerial.’ Nibs found himself dangling out the back, again, and a moto aerial would have sure come in handy.

Majka crossed the line and Dean, sorry, Dan Martin put in a sterling effort to finish a minute later in second.

Stage 8 Rennes / Mûr-de-Bretagne - Merde Britannia

Stage 8 of the Tour and it was a Saturday night in Australia. I finally got to see a stage including the pre-match entertainment as opposed to rushing in during the week only to see Matthew Keenan get caught by the Ps.

Part of the pre-match entertainment for the night on SBS was Monty Python’s Best Bits. I can’t think of a more appropriate segue into the Tour.

Off to the kitchen and no visit to Brittany would be complete without crêpes so Gabs treated the riders to Brittany crêpes with strawberries. The recipe calls for double cream in a strawberries and cream reference to Wimbledon going on across the Channel. I saw what you did there Gabs!

There’s 2 teaspoons or about 10g of butter so the buerremetric counter edges up to 120g.

Phil and Paul gave us a rare up close and personal look at the commentary caravan. I see they’re still using the 486s held together with duct tape. I know budgets are tight at SBS but come on, lap tops and tablets are pretty cheap these days.

The commentary caravan looked like it had a bit of a tidy up and noticed the cassoulet bowls had been well hidden.

Team Katusha Rockets started the day one man down after Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine. A very cheeky Troll DJ couldn’t help him/herself and had to play ‘White Lines’ by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mell. Anymore positive tests for illicit substances Troll DJ will need to pull out the Del-Lords ‘When the DrugsKick In.'

Early on in the race breakaways Bartosz Huzarski, Sylvain Chavanel, Romain Sicard (this time on Oooropcar TV duty) and Pierre-Luc Périchon made their escape. The hunt was on and 17 riders went on the chase after the intermediate sprint. They were caught at 69 km to go when Huzarski escaped again with Lars Bak and Michal Golas.

Huzarski eventually surrendered and the last two breakies Bak and Golas were swallowed up by the hungry pack at 8 km to go.

The moment the breakies realise they've been caught

I always wonder about the motivation of a breakaway - dare to dream or TV time for the team sponsor? Probably a bit of both really.

The field art award of the day went to the hay bale bike construction with moving horsie wheels. Nice nod to the racing industry even though PMU isn’t sponsoring the green jersey anymore.

Just like with the Mur de Huy Paul was having trouble with the pronunciation of Mûr-de-Bretagne, the final climb to the finish. He settled on ‘Manure-de-Britannia.’ I’m also hoping Phil pulls himself up the next time he calls Brittany ‘Britannia’ with a “Oops!...I did it again.”

It wasn’t just pronunciation that caused problems. Phil spotted Tony Greipel in the pack. OK, fair enough Martin and Greipel are German. The Jensie got tangled up in a Jensieism of his own and called Dan Martin ‘Dean Martin.’

I must confess I do have difficulties with riders who share the same first name but also have a first name as a surname with an ‘s’ on the end. Yes, I’m looking at you Roger Matthews and Matthew Michaels.

No such problems with the Yates twins Simon and Adam. They look the same, ride on the same team, the first names are interchangeable really.

Down at the business end of the day R2D2 C3PO La Mondiale’s Alexis Vuillermoz made his intentions known on the climb of the Mûr-de-Bretagne, but Chris Froome wasn’t having any of that leaving Nibs in his wake. Dean Martin left his attack a little too late and the former mountain biker Vuillermoz rode away to take his first Tour victory and a win for France.