Stage 5 Vittel / La Planche des Belles Filles - Aru All Smiles

Stage 5 of the Tour kicked off under sunny skies but a cloud of controversy over yesterday’s disqualification of Peter Sagan over that elbow knock to Mark Cavendish. Perhaps for the Manx Missile it was a bit of ‘what goes around, comes around’ with his history of playing rough in the sprint. Many fans and commentators were of the opinion that Sagz should have been disqualified for the stage but not kicked out of the Tour altogether.

The takeaway from all this folks is just don’t play rough in the sprint, someone’s going to catch you one day.

While we’re on the topic of takeaway, Robbie and Mattie were still fielding questions about how riders answer the call of nature. Again, without too much information, they explained what Mattie called a ‘takeaway nature break’, the nature break you take without stopping. I guess that makes sense when you order a coffee to go.

From the start an eight rider breakaway got away including seasoned riders Edvald Boasson Hagen, birthday boy Philippe Gilbert, Thomas De Gendt and ‘French housewives’ favourite’ Thomas Voeckler.

Jan Bakelants was in the breakaway too and much had been made of derogatory comments he made about podium women prior to the Tour. He apologised for the remarks but he won’t be able to play it down for some time yet. Interestingly I seemed to keep hearing Matt and Robbie call him ‘Bugalugs’. I’ll pay that, from now on its Jan Bugalugs.

As the peloton passed through Saint-Loupe-Sur-Semouse, Mattie noted it’s claim to fame was furniture production, hence the town is known as the ‘city of furniture’, not to be confused with ‘cities of road furniture’, which is just about everywhere else in Europe.

Ad watch: by now it’s hard to escape the Skoda ad doing the rounds (it’s a major sponsor of the Tour de France). At first we thought it was clever, playing on the car company’s slogan ‘simply clever’. It features the co-inventor of wifi pondering who was behind inventions and innovations such as the traffic light and who came up with roasting coffee beans. It’s starting to wear thin by now and I have a question - annoying ads on high rotation, who was the inventor?

From what I’ve heard these Skodas are pretty good and maybe it’s time for Robbie to ditch the old Citroen – all Mattie could smell on the long steep drive up to La Planche des Belle Filles was clutch.

Fabio Aru opens up on La Planche des Belles Filles

Troll DJ had been a little quiet, suggesting the Spotify subscription had run out. Once again my request went unanswered, that being anything by Elbow...

At the intermediate sprint Boasson Hagen got the points, which was wonderful.

It wasn’t long before the riders were, according to Mattie, "getting their tickets ready for business class at the pointy end".

Thomas Voeckler grabbed a bidon from the team car to cool off and performed all his checks for take-off;

Sunnies?

Check.

Gel?

Check.

Tongue?

Check.

Philippe Gilbert was enjoying his birthday breakaway and as the group headed uphill ‘blew out the candles and went for the cake’ taking Bugalugs with him.

Inevitably the attacks came and riders where being dropped left right and centre. The Skybots reeled in Bugalugs and Gilbert and with a quick hug their day was done.

At 2.4km to go Fabio Aru launched his attack with Chris Froome, Dan Martin, the twelve year old Romain Bardet and our own Richie Porte hot on his heels.

Aru proved too strong and soloed to his first Tour stage victory. The Sardinian couldn’t contain his huge smile and according to Mattie had his, “mouth wide open like a flip-top head for a toothbrush commercial”.

Geraint Thomas handed over the golden fleece to fellow Skybot Froome and Porte moved up to fifth.

No doubt Froome will be doing everything to stay in yellow all the way to Paris but it’s early days and there are many more battles to come.

Stage 4 Mondorf-les-Bains / Vittel - Vittel not to be for Kittel

Stage 4 and the riders rolled out of Mondorf-les-Bains on the 207km ‘transitional stage’ through the beautiful Lorraine region to the town of Vittel.

We’ve come to know’ transitional stage’ to mean ‘boring AF’with long flat roads and a bunch sprint at the end. But the sun was out and finally started to feel like summer.

Right from the start Wanty-Group Gobert’s Guillaume Van Keirsbulck went out on a solo ‘suicide breakaway’ with the peloton happy to let him go. Robbie and Keeno explained that being a new comer to the tour (Wanty-Group Gobert secured a wild card entry) the Belgian team would have lots of  TV time and free advertising. That’s one explanation, perhaps Van Keirsbulck just wanted to be first to the post-race massage table.

Back in the kitchen Gabs was baking Nancy’s chocolate cake (we must thank Nancy for the recipe). The recipe calls for 125g of butter so I’ve brought back the buerremetric counter to record a total of 935g of butter so far this Tour.

But being the 4^th July American cuisine was the order of the day, so out came the burgers and hotdogs which was a blessed relief from the 2 minute noodles of the day before. I was surprised to hear that Matt and Robbie are not fed by Gabs but by caterers of US broadcaster NBC.

And while we’re on the topic of food and drink, Robbie described the ‘Karotewasser’ of the Lorraine region. Apparently this rather strange practice dated back to medieval times where knights errant would dunk the local porous carrots into black tea. Mate, I think someone on Wikipedia or in Russia is having a lend of you Robbie, FAKE NEWS!!!

Speaking of carrots, Robbie waxed lyrical about the ‘crash carrots’ of the now defunct Basque Euskaltel Euskadi team, famous for their bright orange jerseys and habit of spending more time off the bike sprawled across the road than actual racing. Because of this it was safer to have them behind you than in front.

Later in the stage Matt and Robbie revealed which Tour riders they pretended to be when they were children (yes, really). Obviously an Euskaltel Euskadi rider was not one of them.

Sagz be like.

Troll DJ was busting out the tunes and The Smiths 'This Charming Man' was an obvious choice. Sadly, my request for Creedence Clearwater Revival's 'Have You Ever Seen Lorraine?’ went unanswered.

Later Troll DJ was trolled itself by a roadside random dad band belting out The White Stripes ‘Seven Nation Army’. Nice one dads.

There were no new McKeenanisms of note but as nod to the Sherliggetts Matt dropped a 'job of work' describing the massive restoration effort on Toul's Cathedral of Saint-Etienne in the 1980s.

It wouldn't be the Tour without the famous fields of sunflowers and at 89km to we had our first sighting of the tournesol, which happened to be right near a huge solar panel power station. Well I’ll be, a tournesolar power station!

Time seemed to be today’s theme, which appeared to just drag on. There was some impressive clock field art which also featured a tractor, combine harvester and sheep followed up by the vary impressive ‘calendar château’ of Château de Haroué in Nancy with its 365 windows, 52 fireplaces etc. (Robbie challenged the couch peloton to guess how many chimneys).

The riders approached the home of bottled water and Tour sponsor Vittel. I wonder just how much Vittel paid for the naming rights for the town of Vittel?

Van Keirsbulck was inevitably caught by the peloton after his huge solo effort at 16km to go, then it was time for the sprinters to get organised for the charge into Vittel.

Robbie cautioned about the hazards of a narrow departmental roads and potholed arse-fault on the shoulder. He added, "there's a real bottle neck in the centre of Vittel". We saw what you did there Robbie.

A crash within 2km to the finish saw current yellow jersey holder Geraint Thomas hit the deck. Fortunately he was okay, not so for Mark Cavendish who was elbowed into the barrier by Peter Sagan. 

Frenchman Arnaud Demare emerged victorious, Cavendish withdrew with a broken shoulder blade and in a dramatic decision that will divide cycling fans for years to come (on social media anyway), Sagz was kicked out of the Tour.

Whoever said transitional stages were boring?

Stage 1 Düsseldorf / Düsseldorf - G Man Outguns Panzerwagen

Quicker than you can say ‘doping scandal’ the 104^th edition of the Tour de France rolled off in the German city of Düsseldorf with a 14km individual time trial.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (not looking at social media), Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are not back for their regular three weeks of giving lessons in history, geology and bird watching. The usual snarky calls of ‘get ‘em off’ were replaced by genuine shock of a large portion of the fair weather riding couch peloton.

I for one am sad too, heck the Ps have given me so much material over the last few years this blog has pretty much written itself. Inevitably the years roll on, we don’t get any younger so it was probably the right time for the duo to take a step back like the late legendary cricket commentator Richie Benaud.

Thankfully we have our own Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen in the caravan of commentary. ‘Keeno’ has served a long apprenticeship under Phil and Paul. Former Tour sprint ace Robbie McEwen brings his photographic memory of every blade of grass on every course he rode and brand of humour.

Matt and Robbie are the new masters, gone are the Sherliggettisms of old (‘suitcase of courage’, ‘pilot fish’, ‘hammers down’ and ‘job of work’) and in with the McKeenanisms of new (‘cream rising to the top’, ‘the original reality television’ and Robbie’s ‘arsefelt’).

I expect to see some classic McKeenanisms forged during this Tour, especially of the ‘too much information’ variety from McEwen because, “too much information can sometimes be too much information”. Welcome to the Tour Robbie.

Upon hearing of SBS’s decision to relegate the Ps to guest comments duties, Keeno was reported to have felt ‘a bit like I shot Bambi’. SO. IT. WAS. YOU. KEENO????? I thought you were such a nice guy...

But you know what they say in French about plus ça change and all that? One thing of certain is the return of Gabriel Gaté as Tour cook and tour guide to the culinary specialities of the regions.

First stop is Düsseldorf and it wouldn’t be visit to Germany without – you guessed it – the obligatory beer, sausage and potatoes. Gabs went traditional and treated the peloton to schnitzel with mashed potato and red cabbage. Every good mash deserves a good knob of butter and Gabs opens the buerremetric counter account with 60g.

Believe me, you do not want to Google 'sausage fest' at work.

Out on the TT course it had been raining, not ideal for a course with a few pretzel like bends at the Rhine River. I have to say when I visited my sister in law in Düsseldorf twenty years ago that apart from the occasional stabbings and shootings near her apartment, it wasn’t a bad place to visit.

The wet and slippery conditions were a cause of concern with most riders playing it safe. After all, who wants to crash out in the first stage of the Tour? Unfortunately that’s exactly what happened to Moviestar’s wingman to Nairo Quintana, Alejandro Valverde.

He fell and slid across the road and his knee made contact with a metal barrier. It looks to be season over for Valverde and without the ‘Green Bullet’, Quintana’s chance to stand at the top of the Paris podium is starting to look shaky indeed.

No drama for Tour favourite Australia’s own Richie Porte who played it perhaps too safe finishing in 49^th place.

‘Panzerwagen’ Tony Martin (the rider, not the comedian) was expected to wipe the soggy floor with his opponents only to finish in fourth place to Skybot Geraint Thomas. It seems the Welshman out-panzerwagened the Panzerwagen.

Then again it’s probably no surprise the G man won under tough conditions considering he almost demolished a power pole with his head a few years ago AND KEPT ON GOING.

Stage 18 Sallanches / Megève - Better Watch Out For The Skin Deep

Stage 18 and the Tour was back in France for the second time trial, and shortest stage of the Tour, the 17 km individual time trial from Sallanches to Megève.

As the Tour approaches its final days, Gabs prepared a special dish of yabby turnovers with truffle. Gabs used his keen sense of smell to sniff out the truffles from under the oak trees so he didn’t have to spend a penny on this luxury ingredient.

Speaking of luxuries, butter has been more of a luxury lately but it’s back in this recipe with 40g, taking the buerremetric counter to 830g.

An uphill time trial called for different approaches to equipment. The demand for aerodynamic efficiency isn’t so great for climbing. A number of riders opted just for their normal road bike. Others thought strap-on extension bars were the way to go. For others nothing less than the full TT kit would do.

By the time we joined the caravan of commentary many riders had already completed the course. Ion Izaguirre got his turn in the hot seat.

Roadside randoms were out in force but were noticeably better behaved than at Mount Ventoux the week before. Clearly they heeded Richie Porte’s stern talking to.

A rather poor looking Didi copy, a facsimile of the devil if you like, was bouncing around on the course. I mean come on, there’s only one Didi!

Gerard Depardieu was back at the side of the road on his annual Tour de France bender dressed in an Obelix costume.

Mattie recounted Kiwi Shane Archbold’s heroics after crashing and completing the previous day’s stage with a broken pelvis. Not quite the ‘blood and snot on the handle bars’ but cyclists are a bloody tough lot.

Jakob Fuglsang, who has some of the best hair in the peloton, rode his standard road bike like a virtual time trial with virtual extension bars except it was a real time trial.

All eyes were on Tom Dumoulin who won the first time trial in stage 13. He went the full kit and there was a touch of excitement in Robbie’s voice as he described Tom’s latex skinsuit and long socks. I do wonder about the long socks though, is Dumoulin a maths/science teacher when he’s off the bike?

Dumoulin was clearly popular with the fans who formed a Mexican wave of noise on the climb.

Mattie had made mention of Chris Froome being measured up for another skinsuit and it really had us guessing if he’d come out in an ultra shiny yellow outfit in an effort to out-do Dumoulin.

Sky unveils next season's skinsuit look

Mattie noticed Wilco Kelderman had gone the safer option and ditched the full rear disc that caused him so much grief in stage 13. Still his effort was well off the mark and Mattie recalled when he was known as ‘Wilco Keldermerckx’ because he used to win everything.

Dumoulin was setting a cracking pace and passed Jan Bakelants and his only response was with a shake of his head.

Thomas De Gendt knocked off Izaguirre from the hot seat but wasn’t there for very long as Dumoulin finished 41 seconds faster than de Gendt.

A tricky chicane on the approach to the line caused a few nervous moments. Staying safe is the key and in words worthy of a T-shirt print Robbie advised that, “slower is sometimes faster”.

It was time for Matt and Robbie to duck off to the side with the team cars to make way for Phil and Paul.

Paul noted Fabio Aru was 17 km from the finish line, which came as no surprise as he hadn’t started yet.

Phil said, “Tom Dumoulin set the bar very high here”. Well yes, but in order to achieve that he needed to set the bars very low to get the maximum aerodynamic advantage.

Geraint Thomas left the start house wearing a silky black skinsuit with see-through cutaways at the back. Jesus, did he pick it up from an adult shop?

Aru got going and finally began to close that 17 km gap to the finish line and put in a blistering effort to finish third.

It was Richie Portes' time to go and Paul thought Phil let fly with a ‘Richie Froome’. Now Paul had planted the seed we just knew it was going to happen in real life.

Nairo Quintana made a quick start and looked more at home on his customised time trial bike than in stage 13. After all the hills suit Quintana better than the flat and managed a top ten finish.

Adam Yates hit the road with a ‘Yates you can’ attitude in his bid to claw back time from Bauke Mollema. Mollema didn’t have the greatest of runs finishing down in seventeenth place.

Porte was nine seconds faster than Dumoulin at first time check and looked to be in control.

The final rider of the day Chris Froome went with the full on time trial bike with full disc at the back, which according to boundary rider Jens Voigt was the ‘risky option’.

At the second time check Porte was eight seconds down on Dumoulin and it was going to take a big effort. Porte came home in third and then was upgraded to second. Now all Dumoulin and Porte could do was wait and see how Froome would go.

Froome looked slow and there were no time checks appearing on screen but by the time he reached the third time check he was ahead of Dumoulin.

On the downhill run to the chicane section before the line Paul spotted Froome, “getting into a strange position”, as he tried to squeeze every bit of advantage from his ride.

As Froome crossed the line it was clear he was here for a big smack down and finished 21 seconds ahead of Dumoulin and extended his lead in yellow to 03’ 52” ahead of Mollema.

There’s still Friday and Saturday to go in the mountains but so long as he can stay upright, Chris Froome has pretty much got his third Tour win in the bag.

Stage 16 Bourg-de-Péage / Gap – Mind the Gap

Stage 16 and the Tour has arrived at the foot of the Alps.

The weather has been particularly hot at this Tour. A good trick to cool down is the tried and true ‘ice sock’ a rider can wear on their neck out on the road. An even better way to cool down is with some delicious ice cream and Gabs prepared nougat ice cream with pistachios and glacé fruits.

I’m starting to get a little concerned with the lack of butter in the recent recipes. Ok, there is cream, maybe Gabs is going a bit heavy on the glacé fruits but I’m sure the riders will appreciate a few scoops of ice cream after a hot day in the saddle.

The heat was so much of a concern that Tour officials hosed down the road on the descent from the Col de Manse to the finish before the tarmac turned to taffy.

Before the race got started stage 13 winner Greg van Avermaet got the call from his pregnant wife to come home. For Greg baby comes before bike and we wish Greg and his wife all the best. Awww.

Right from the start the breakies got the jump including a very determined Peter Sagan. The peloton was mostly happy to sit back and let the breakies knock themselves out in the heat. The time gap widened so much that we were in for a double feature picture show.

Rafal Majka had a slow speed crash on a climb that left him hopping around on one leg. Paul noted that often low speed crashes can be nastier than the  high speed ones because you tend to hit the ground heavily. They’re also quite embarrassing. Still, that comment from Paul about high speed crashes being somehow ‘better’ than low speed crashes is up there with ‘a good time to puncture’.

The breakies had around a twenty minute lead over the main field, and after the climb of the Col de Manse the riders had to tackle a very technical 11 km hair-raising descent to the finish in Gap.

On the final climb a couple of classic ‘Sherliggettisms bubbled up to the top of the pot. We heard our first, “out of the saddle fighting with his machine” from Paul and after two weeks of hearing ‘The Big Four’, ‘The Fantastic Four’ and ‘The Furious Five’, Phil finally broke through with ‘The Heads of State’.

One of the more dubious Sherliggettisms was Phil’s comment, “they're the best riders at the moment and you could throw a blanket over them". I don’t think that’s very safe Phil.

Back to the race and the breakies were jostling for position. There was a psychological move from Thomas Voeckler, in other words he got on everyone’s tits. However Martin, sorry, Ruben Plaza managed to escape from Peter Sagan who’d worked his guts out all day.

The descent of the Col de Manse was fast and furious and according to The Jensie, “it’s all or nothing, it’s the hospital or the podium”.

There was no catching Plaza who soloed across the line. You could sense the frustration with Peter Sagan who came in fifth across the line. The green jersey is firmly on his shoulders but he’s desperate for a stage win and he may have to wait until Paris for his next shot.

Plaza was safely over the line but the second half of the double feature was being played out on the Col de Manse. Alberto Contador and Vincenzo Nibali fired some warning shots at Chris Froome ahead of the big battles in the Alps.

Geraint Thomas spectacularly overshot the runway on the descent of the Col de Manse and nearly took out a spectator and a telephone pole with his head. Incredibly he was straight back on the bike and chased the yellow jersey group. Hats off to Geraint Thomas, the crash looked terrible but he rode on like it never happened.

After the race Nairo Quintana and Froome were cooling down on spin bikes in what looked like an animated discussion between the two. Were they discussing tactics or was it a bit of old fashioned sledging? No, as it turned out it was a continuation of the white and gold or blue and black dress debate.

Some people just never let things go.