Stage 21 Sèvres - Grand Paris Seine Ouest / Paris Champs-Élysées - Le Tour Comes Home

Stage 21 and after three hard weeks in the saddle the Tour finally came home to Paris. This year the Tour celebrated the fortieth anniversary of finishes on the Champs-Élysées, but before the racing got underway a car crashed into one of the race barriers at Place de la Concorde and shots were fired by police. Geez, you’d want to be careful doing a runner on a booze bus then.

Being the final day of the Tour Gabs wanted to prepare a special treat so he cooked up a cherry and almond tart. At 60 g of butter that was a pretty good kick to the finish line for the Buerremetric counter. However, I’d been crunching the numbers on the buerremetric counter since records began in 2013 and 2015 fell well short. 2013 recorded 634 g. In 2014 it was a thumping 1.12 kg. This year it was just a measly 310g. That’s not enough for my toast! So yes, buttergate was a real thing.

But forget Buttergate, did anyone see any sunflowers at this year's Tour?

The women’s race La Course by Le Tour de France, now in its second year,  got underway on the Champs and these conditions were far from ideal for racing. Rain combined with gunk on the road and the slippery cobble surface was a recipe for crashes and punctures. This didn’t bode well for the men who were to arrive later that afternoon and the rain got heavier.

On the final lap commentator Ant McCrossan watched as the riders emerged from the ‘Merc in the tunnel’ and I’m wondering if that was still a bit too soon?

On the final kick for the line Anna van der Breggen soloed to victory. Hats off to Anna for surviving the rough conditions.

After the women’s race Tommo and Robbo caught up with Australia’s greatest cyclist Cadel Evans. I must admit it was bit strange to see him on the spectator’s side of the barrier. As it turned out he was there to watch the Tour Caravan sprint on the Champs.

Ohhh, it's a touch of wheels in the Tour caravan sprint!

Finally, we had some pictures of the Sunday coffee ride into Paris. As is the tradition it’s a time for the riders to relax and even have some bubbles on the road. Another tradition is a team photo. The Skybots linked up for their shot and there was a bit of a wobble from Richie Froome. It'd have been really embarrassing crashing during the team embrace vanity shot at that moment.

Meanwhile, Phil and Paul were compering their sightseeing tour of Paris. They’re getting pretty good at it, and why not since they’ve been doing it for a long time but can anyone explain to me Paul’s obsession with concrete? Needless to say no final day of the Tour would be complete with Paul’s Jardin de Tuileries lecture.

As the peloton got closer to the Champs the riders passed la Tour Eiffel. The Tour passing the Tour, how meta! Paul thought any one up the tower would have the best seat in the house. Sorry Paul, it’s always the vultures that have the best seat in the house.

The riders nervously hit the Champs and fortunately for Froome race referees stopped the official time at the first crossing of the finish line in case Porte got into another  hands free wobble.

The riders started on the loop of the Champs up the famous boulevard and around the back of the Arc de Triomphe and in a face palm moment from Phil the ’tomb of the unknown shoulder’.

The weather cleared and the race wasn’t marred by crashes  we saw in La Course but at just 2.2 km to go int the final lap a protester in a sheet appeared on the course and was nearly taken out by the riders. Bloody hell, who gave Peter Hore a passport?

Disaster was avoided and ‘The Griller’ Andre Greipel crossed the line to make it win number four and what a fantastic Tour he’s had. He’ll be cooking up a storm for the team tonight!

Chris Froome arrived safely to officially claim the golden fleece as champion of Le Tour de France for the second time and Nairo Quintana was runner up, just like in 2013.

For the record books:

Golden Fleece: Chris Porte
Polka: Chris Porte
Green:  Peter Sagan (again)
White: Nairo Quintana
Team:  Moviestar
Super-Combative:  Romain Bardet

Once again I’d to thank you for taking interest in Le Wrap, it’s a labour of love and your interest is what keeps me going.

Before I go I’d like to leave you with one thought; despite his injuries, did we ever doubt Adam Hansen would make it to the end the Tour?

Stage 6 Abbeville / Le Havre - Le Tour Storms Normandy

Stage 6 and the riders got another taste of sea air as they skirted the Norman coastline on the 191.5 km route from Abbeville to Le Havre.

In contrast to the battlefields of The Somme, the cycling Godz of Normandy turned on a magnificent summer’s day and plenty of cows came out to enjoy the sunshine and the cycling action. Some were seated and Phil cautioned that when the cows are sitting down it’s usually a sign of rain. You can’t get more of a classic Sherliggettism from Phil and hearing that is almost as good as Troll DJ busting out the first Muppets tune of the Tour.

After accusations Gabs was trying to do a Pete Evans on the peloton, he conceded that salad and kale smoothies were probably not a good choice for a hungry bunch of riders. However, he made up for that faux pas with blue eye with oysters in a creamy cider sauce. That’s more like it and although the 10g of butter is a marginal gain it’s enough to push up the buerremetric counter to 100g.

It must have had something to do with the weather but Phil and Paul were in jolly good spirits and Paul was up for a few jokes.

Paul recalled a tweet from Adam Hansen about his plastered shoulder and how it eased the pain just a little bit ‘but I have ‘pain’ for breakfast…’ Crickets from Phil, that one sailed right over the top of his head.

Ornithological humour is more Phil’s cup of tea. As the riders approached the breathtaking Alabaster Coast of Normandy Phil was busy checking out the birds flying around the cliffs. Paul quipped that “although we are looking at the birds, one or two of the riders will be puffin on the way to the finish”. Phil nearly lost it.

Such wit! The phone will be jumping off the hook from the scenic river cruise companies wanting to hire Paul as a comic entertainer.

The Tour choppers brought us more stunning pictures of the beautiful limestone formations on the coast which reminded Phil of the ‘Sisters’ on the Great Ocean Road in Victoria. I bet he’d be impressed by the Three Apostles in the Blue Mountains too…

The Grand Canyon, Normandy

It wasn’t just birds and limestone formations that caught Phil and Paul’s interest. A couple of blokes in yellow were spotted on high voltage lines on special ‘cable bikes’ which Phil thought were flying Teletubbies. Beats the flying dinghy spotted in stage 2 at the 2013 Tour, but only just.

After many hours in the saddle at some stage nature calls and out on the back roads of rural France the restrooms of service stations and a well known hamburger chain are few and far between. When you gotta go, you gotta go and the only option is by the road side.

Phil and Paul caught Alejandro Valverde during a ‘besoin naturel’ and noticed he’d ‘had an accident’ slipping on gravel. I don’t know what euphemism to read into that.

Speaking of water works, Paul was very impressed with the fine chateaux of the region and spotted one with a ‘water hammer’ for operating the fountains in the garden. Great if you can afford it, a water hammer in my ‘chateau’ usually means getting in a plumber and a second job to pay the bill.

Back to the race and Perrig Quémeneur, Daniel Teklehaimanot and Kenneth van Bilsen were out front most of the day in the breakaway. Eritrean rider Teklehaimanot made cycling history securing enough points in the King of the Mountains competition to become the first African to wear the polka dot jersey.

At 42 km to go Thomas Voeckler, who loves a good breakaway, tried to bridge the gap and got some TV time for team sponsor Oooropcar. Makes me wonder if there’s a clause in Voeckler’s contract that he has to give x amount of time in front of the cameras each Tour.

The breakies were eventually reeled in by the peloton in the final 10 kilometres and the riders got themselves organised for the uphill charge toward the finish line.

Then disaster struck for the man in yellow Tony Martin, who appeared to have clipped Vincenzo Nibali who went down along with Chris Froome. Martin was down on the ground for some time but with the help of some Etixx-Quick Step teammates rode to the line with a broken collarbone. Sadly, that was the end of Panzerwagen’s Tour.

But it wasn’t all bad news for Martin’s team; the man who ‘prefers roads with no surface’, Zdenek Stybar, avoided the crash to win the stage.

After the race confusion reigned as to who caused it. Nibs blamed Froome and threw a bidon at him.* Froome took the unusual step to meet Nibs at the Asstana team bus. Word quickly spread to chants of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” and riders came rushing from all directions. Froome entered the bus and Nibs apologised after watching the video replay and offered a cold one from the mini bar as a peace offering and the two GC men get to ride another day.

*allegedly.

Stage 2 Utrecht / Zélande – I do like to be by the zee-side

With the ITT out of the way stage 2 saw the peloton take to the road on another pancake flat course and you couldn’t get a stage profile flatter than this. In fact it was so flat that sometimes even the raised bits were flat. At just 6m at its ‘highest’ point the riders needed to bring their best climbing legs.

The riders set out from a sunny Utrecht to the heart of the Zeeland delta. An easy day in the saddle? HA! There was a lot of Dutch road furniture to negotiate, particularly on the outskirts of Rotterdam, home to one of the world’s busiest ports.

Race organisers did their best to tame the road furniture, and when it comes to traffic management the Netherlands is basically the Franco Cozzo of road furniture – in other words completely over the top.

Normally this road furniture serves the purpose of helping to keep cyclists nice and safe separated from cars. Great for commuters in a country where the bicycle is a main mode of transport but crap for racing when you’re trying to funnel a large peloton moving at high speed safely through a city.

It’s not just curbing and roundabouts to worry about. Road markings can become slippery when wet and Paul mentioned that ‘white lines are very precarious.’ Just ask the Gold Coast Suns, they know all about that.

Factor in the coastal crosswinds and nerves in the peloton and you’ve got a recipe for carnage. Did I mention the chance of the heavens opening up on the race?

Back in the Tour kitchen Gabs cooked up a storm with the mussels he collected from around the barrages protecting the low lying Zeeland polder from being swallowed up by the North Sea. The mussels with beer sabayon gratin were a hit with the riders washed down with Dutch beer after a hard day in the saddle.

The recipe contained 50g of butter. Gabs is off to a flying start this year pushing the Buerremetric counter to 90g.

Some magical kites in the sky

Out on the road sunshine turned to storm clouds and pretty soon the dreaded cross winds sprung up causing splits in the peloton. Along with the wind came the rain, and lots of it, making it hard to see.

As I watched the race, I was starting to think the beer was making the TV screen blurry but quickly realised it was only the rain. It soon dawned on me it was probably a good time to move the TV inside…

Crashes in the wet conditions were inevitable. Aussie workhorse Adam Hansen - who’s completed more Grand Tours than he’s had hot dinners - was ouching from a chute but got back on the bike.

Good thing there are mobile medics out on course. Paul spotted a rider having a ‘free consultation with the doctor. ‘ I dunno Paul, looked suspiciously like a free tow from a team car to me.

After crashes punctures became a bit of a problem.  Flat tyres in quick succession had us wondering if the douche that’s been laying tacks on Yarra Boulevard has gone abroad.

As we know the Netherlands is famous for its windmills which were used extensively for pumping and grinding. But with so many windmills I’m wondering if Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is planning a holiday there anytime soon since he declared wind farms to be ‘visually awful.’
 
Holland would have to be the holiday from hell for Tones. As the race neared the coast those ‘visually awful’ wind turbines loomed into view. Oh no, I hope Tony didn’t see that on the telly, he’ll be calling for heads to roll at SBS.

Despite the wind Phil spotted a windmill that wasn’t moving. He thought it was still because the engine had been turned off. There we go, just when we thought we were starting to get over the hidden motor conspiracy.

As the race drew to a close Phil caught sight of ‘the magical red kite in the sky’ causing us to question what meds he is on.

Andre Greipel, Mark Cavendish, Fabian Cancellara, Tony Martin and Peter Sagan battled for the line. Cavendish’s lead out catapult Mark Renshaw went just a little too early but Greipel’s  lead out timed it to perfection delivering  the stage and a green jersey for the Gorilla.

Rohan Dennis who'd dominated the ITT the day before surrendered the golden fleece to Fabian Cancellara whose surprising  finish in third and with time bonuses pushed him into first place in the GC.