Stage 1 Düsseldorf / Düsseldorf - G Man Outguns Panzerwagen

Quicker than you can say ‘doping scandal’ the 104^th edition of the Tour de France rolled off in the German city of Düsseldorf with a 14km individual time trial.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (not looking at social media), Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are not back for their regular three weeks of giving lessons in history, geology and bird watching. The usual snarky calls of ‘get ‘em off’ were replaced by genuine shock of a large portion of the fair weather riding couch peloton.

I for one am sad too, heck the Ps have given me so much material over the last few years this blog has pretty much written itself. Inevitably the years roll on, we don’t get any younger so it was probably the right time for the duo to take a step back like the late legendary cricket commentator Richie Benaud.

Thankfully we have our own Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen in the caravan of commentary. ‘Keeno’ has served a long apprenticeship under Phil and Paul. Former Tour sprint ace Robbie McEwen brings his photographic memory of every blade of grass on every course he rode and brand of humour.

Matt and Robbie are the new masters, gone are the Sherliggettisms of old (‘suitcase of courage’, ‘pilot fish’, ‘hammers down’ and ‘job of work’) and in with the McKeenanisms of new (‘cream rising to the top’, ‘the original reality television’ and Robbie’s ‘arsefelt’).

I expect to see some classic McKeenanisms forged during this Tour, especially of the ‘too much information’ variety from McEwen because, “too much information can sometimes be too much information”. Welcome to the Tour Robbie.

Upon hearing of SBS’s decision to relegate the Ps to guest comments duties, Keeno was reported to have felt ‘a bit like I shot Bambi’. SO. IT. WAS. YOU. KEENO????? I thought you were such a nice guy...

But you know what they say in French about plus ça change and all that? One thing of certain is the return of Gabriel Gaté as Tour cook and tour guide to the culinary specialities of the regions.

First stop is Düsseldorf and it wouldn’t be visit to Germany without – you guessed it – the obligatory beer, sausage and potatoes. Gabs went traditional and treated the peloton to schnitzel with mashed potato and red cabbage. Every good mash deserves a good knob of butter and Gabs opens the buerremetric counter account with 60g.

Believe me, you do not want to Google 'sausage fest' at work.

Out on the TT course it had been raining, not ideal for a course with a few pretzel like bends at the Rhine River. I have to say when I visited my sister in law in Düsseldorf twenty years ago that apart from the occasional stabbings and shootings near her apartment, it wasn’t a bad place to visit.

The wet and slippery conditions were a cause of concern with most riders playing it safe. After all, who wants to crash out in the first stage of the Tour? Unfortunately that’s exactly what happened to Moviestar’s wingman to Nairo Quintana, Alejandro Valverde.

He fell and slid across the road and his knee made contact with a metal barrier. It looks to be season over for Valverde and without the ‘Green Bullet’, Quintana’s chance to stand at the top of the Paris podium is starting to look shaky indeed.

No drama for Tour favourite Australia’s own Richie Porte who played it perhaps too safe finishing in 49^th place.

‘Panzerwagen’ Tony Martin (the rider, not the comedian) was expected to wipe the soggy floor with his opponents only to finish in fourth place to Skybot Geraint Thomas. It seems the Welshman out-panzerwagened the Panzerwagen.

Then again it’s probably no surprise the G man won under tough conditions considering he almost demolished a power pole with his head a few years ago AND KEPT ON GOING.

Stage 9 Vielha Val d'Aran / Andorre Arcalis - Tiny Andorra, Oh How I Adore Ya

Stage 9 and the riders (minus Michael Morkov, who became the first abandonment of the Tour the day before) set out from Vielha Val d'Aran for the 184.5 km ride to tiny Andorra on the French and Spanish border.

Phil had been out early in the morning indulging in one of his favourite pastimes, fishing. There are many streams in this part of the world perfect for trout fishing. Phil came back with a sizable catch. That’s dinner sorted so Gabs started gutting and cleaning them and had baking the trout in herbs and bacon in mind.

But *sigh*, no butter. Look top marks for the bacon, everyone loves bacon (except vegans, don’t worry, they’ll soon tell you) but remember what you said about the year of the butter???

Out on the road the temperature was rapidly rising and the Moviestars where on the go from the get go, particularly on the descents.

Robbie came across a herd of cows on one of the descents on his morning  recon ride. He hoped they’d been cleared from the road. Don’t worry Robbie, I’m sure Nairo Quintana's ‘fixer’ was there to fix the cow problem even without the help of Christopher Pyne.

Looking at the roads from the Tour chopper there were many twists and turns. One hill looked like it was draped with a piece of squid ink spaghetti... oh sorry, I forgot we're not at the Giro.

As the mercury soared into the 30s, the road surface started to turn into soft, soggy tar. Soft soggy tar? Don’t you mean arsephalt Robbie?

And Robbie’s advice on dealing with a stage like today? Eat. Drink. Stay calm - and eat a banana.

The caravan of commentary had sunk so far into the soggy arsephalt Robbie had to put up the periscope to see what was going on. So, the caravan of commentary isn’t a caravan at all but a noisy Collins Class submarine.

Mattie and Robbie analysed Froome’s winning move off the Col de Peyresourde the previous day. No one knew Froome had the intestinal fortitude to pull off such a daring descent. Yes, he was shitting kittens but later confessed to having the time of his life.

Again, the topic of food and drink came up. Mattie explained Gabs’ philosophy of,“feed them until they’re full and then feed them some more”. Sounds like a ding-dong battle with online trolls.

The peloton was up and down all day long and if you think it’s hilly here, wait until they reach Andorra. Mattie reckoned that the only way to ride on the flat in Andorra is indoors on a KICKR.

Robbie and Mattie spotted some white water rafters. You can’t raft uphill to Andorra, well not unless without the assistance of a fish ladder perhaps.

The heat was really starting to get to the riders and they were looking at any way they could to keep cool. Good old ice stockings were handed out from team cars. Now the WAGS know where their stockings disappear to at the end of the European season.

Robbie saw Peter Sagan tip an ice bucket over his head. Robbie said he’d be cooler without the man bun. On that we can all agree.

Alberto Contador, who was still nursing his injuries from stage 1 and 2, had woken up with a fever. This didn’t stop him from launching a counter attack alongside Alejandro Valverde but it was clear he looked to be in trouble. We knew it was serious when the Pyrenean vultures started circling on the thermals above Contador.

Finally, Contador abandoned, along with Gabs’ commitment to the year of the butter.

The peloton struggled on in the heat to try to make it to ‘Old Andorra’ by sundown. Old Andorra sounds like one of those theme parks where they have actors in period costumes do knife fights and stuff. In all honesty, I have no idea what they get up to in Andorra but isn’t it famous for rabbits and as a tax haven?

Andorra's number one export, Angolan rabbits

Many pro-riders claim they live in Andorra because it’s a ‘climbers’ paradise’. Yeah right, like bankers in the Cayman Islands because they’re a bankers’ paradise.

As the riders approached the border of Andorra Robbie spotted Italian cyclist Fabio Aru with the distinctive tape on his face, which is there to stop his nose falling off.

The riders had their passports out as they sped through the border control into Andorra. Robbie said, “they don’t check passports at the borders in EU countries, unless they think you’re dodgy”. He must have learnt that from experience.

The Ps made their catch at 49 km to go and came across the Caldea Thermal Spa, which looked eerily similar to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Needless to say the thermal cameras used to detect hidden motors in bicycles went berserk.

Riders started to crack in the heat and claimed, along with Alberto Contador, Mark Renshaw and Matthieu Ladagnous. What the riders needed to keep cool was a series of mist emitting gantries over the road, just like you find in alfresco dining areas.

Paul had to bring out the T-bone Pinot motor circuit training story. Then he dropped an ‘Etixx – Quick Stop’ to top it off with 'Richie Froome'. Some things never change.

Spectator weren't exactly a big help. A roadside random in a green morph suit couldn't see where he was going and narrowly escaped a collision, No such luck for the spectator who stepped out onto the road on a blind corner to be collected by Kiwi George Bennett. The spectator hit the deck and didn't get up.

The climbers with, according to Paul, ‘thick pedigrees’ got themselves up front with 19 km to go. At 10 km to go the group was slapped in the face by Tom Dumoulin who rode away solo.

On the final approach to the finish at Arcalis, rain or spray from alfresco dining areas was spotted on the road. No, it was rain and pretty soon the heavens opened up and according to Paul it was, ‘raining jelly beans’ that he enjoys throughout the year.

The riders had prayed for more ice earlier in the day and the cycling Godz over delivered. Thank goodness the hail was jelly bean and not golf ball sized.

A wet and soggy Tom Dumoulin raised his arms at the line to win his first stage at the Tour de France. He was disappointed with his effort in the individual time trial at the start of last year’s Tour in his home country the Netherlands but the solo win in Andorra more than atoned for it.

Stage 2 Saint-Lô / Cherbourg-en-Cotentin – A Bridge Too Far

Stage 2 and the peloton continued its tour of the Manche ‘departamount’ in Normandy on a slightly lumpy 183 km course between Saint-Lô and Cherbourg-en-Cotentin.

In the kitchen Gabs prepared a sumptuous scallop mousse with prawn sauce. No butter in the actual recipe, that’s reserved for buttering the soufflé bowls. Since there was no actual quantity specified may as well go all out and use the whole block, you can’t be too careful. This takes the buerremetric counter to 270g.

Being just across the channel from England they cop a fair bit of precipitation in this part of France and today was no exception.

On the way to the caravan of commentary Robbie McEwen stopped to have a chat with Tomo. Robbie looked like a drowned rat which had the couch peloton wondering what he’d been up to all morning. It’s only stage 2 of the Tour and I’m starting to worry about Robbie. Mattie, I’d be keeping him on a short leash if I were you.

I mean you don’t want Robbie to follow the example of Henk Vogels who we discovered had been out searching for the ‘filthiest piece of road.’

The breakaway of Paul Voss, Cesare Benedetti, Vegard Breen and Jasper Stuyven was on from the get-go in the soggy conditions. Thank goodness for space-age materials and breathable fabrics that make modern rain capes, according to Robbie like ‘water off a duck’s back.’

But it didn’t stop there, moist conditions played havoc with the moto cameras. The Vaseline smeared camera lens look is soooooo Giro d’Italia.

At the 60km mark Alberto Contador crashed again. This is not a great start for the Spaniard. But more disturbing was the sight of one of the Tinkie team mates appearing to eat the in-sole of Contador’s shoe after retrieving a new one from the team car. Mattie quipped it was a, “late lunch on the soul of Contador”. Er, maybe putting the Devil on the team roster wasn’t such a good idea after all.

And just what would Lucifer do when he got to what Robbie called ‘the Jesus bridge?’ Walk on water? That’s a bridge too far. To me Jesus bridge is the reaction to a bridge on a tight corner.

It might take a miracle for Porte to get back into the race.

Mattie and Robbie were caught at about 45km to go by Phil and Paul. Paul spotted a very impressive lighthouse which “can be seen at 90 miles per hour.” That’s one hell of a fast speed boat Paul.

Phil and Paul noted that German rider Tony Martin had stayed up late to watch Germany play in Euro 2016. They thought he looked a little tired. Now he knows how Aussie Tour fans feel.

As the peloton approached the finish Paul has appeared to have gone full Brexit by counting down exclusively in miles to go. He’ll be bringing out chains and furlongs pretty soon but it is a change from the completely daft ‘hectometres’.

Back to the race and the peloton eventually bridged the gap to the four breakies. Hats off to Jasper Stuyven (not ‘Peter Stuyvesant’, you can't say that on television) who’d turned himself inside out to stay at the front and was caught at just 500 metres (what’s that in furlongs?) to go.

The uphill finish made the stage look more like the finale to a Spring classic. Indeed classics veteran Alejandro Valverde was in amongst it along with Julian Alaphilippe but it was world road race champ Peter Sagan who ended his three year Tour stage win drought and claimed the golden fleece for the first time.

No joy for Tasmanian Richie Porte who had been cruising comfortably until ‘disaster’ struck when he punctured within 5 km to go. His cause wasn’t helped by the snail pace like wheel change effort from the neutral service. By the time Porte got moving again the front of the pack was already ripping the legs off each other.

Porte seems to be unable to shake off the grand tour curse – a puncture incident cruelled his chances at last year’s Giro. On that occasion he took a two minute penalty for accepting a wheel from Simon Gerrans. This time Porte finished almost two minutes down.

Of course it’s early days but Porte has a big job ahead, and needs a miracle, if wants to get anywhere near the podium in Paris.

Stage 19 Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne / La Toussuire - Les Sybelles – The Day the Robots Became Human

Stage 19 and it was another day of hard climbing in the breathtaking French Alps.

Gabs prepared a Beaufort omelette for the rider’s musettes which was going to be a little awkward to eat out on the road. The Beaufort in the omelette refers to a semi hard cheese, not the wind scale for measuring the after effects of a big feed of cassoulet.

Two teaspoons or about 10g of butter are in the recipe taking the buerremetric counter to 250g. There had been rumblings in the peloton about ‘butter gate’. In a tweeted video statement Gabs apologised for the lack of butter in the recipes this year. WELL, IT’S ABOUT TIME GABS! However, we got an exclusive sneak preview to what’s in store for next year’s Tour and he promises it will be ‘the year of the butter’.

Being a big mountain stage and the holidays the fans were out in force. On the roadside we spotted what looked like Obelix but it turned out it was just Gerard Depardieu on a bender.

Asterix has got Gerard's lunch sorted

‘The Shark of Messina’ Vincenzo Nibali, who happens to be one of the best descenders in the peloton if you haven’t heard, was looking like a shark on the hunt for a stage victory.

Romain Bardet was in a hunt of his own for the poker dot jersey and he wasn’t letting a broken front derailleur derail his chances; a quick bike swap and he was on his way.  It must have been one of those moments Paul would class as a good time to have a mechanical because you don’t want a badly timed mechanical or badly timed crash ruining the party.

The riders hit the final 16 km climb to La Toussuire. Paul could attest to how difficult this climb would be because he’d driven the car all the way to the top stuck in second gear. Hmm, I thought that’s how he always drove.

On the final climb Pierre Rolland had held the wheel of Nibali and suddenly The Shark of Messina was off and Rolland couldn’t answer. There was no stopping Nibs now. The reigning Tour champion had a less than brilliant tilt at defending his title and now a stage win and possible third on podium is all he can salvage. Plus he was helped by the fact Mick Fanning was made to sit on a surfboard at the finish line to draw him in.

A little further down the road Nairo Quintana was sitting on the wheel of Chris Froome when Quintana ‘sprouted wings’ and was charging away at 5 km to go. Froome had to react. Alberto Contador and Alejandro Valverde were left in his wake.

This was the showdown between Quintana and Froome we’d waited nearly three weeks to see in the ongoing blue and black / white and gold dress feud.

For the first time Froome had to get out of the saddle. Phil sensed he was ‘squeezing out an already dry sponge’. And was that a pain face we saw on Quintana? Surely not. Froome was clearly under pressure and to Phil this was,"the day the robots became human".

Nibs crossed the finish line in a well deserved victory. Froome held on to yellow with a slight dent in his margin. That’s what you’d call a hard day in the office for Froome, and nobody wants that on a Friday.

Needless to say now Quintana's discovered the robot is actually human he’s going to be throwing everything including the kitchen sink at Froome on the Alpe d'Huez.

Stage 12 Lannemezan / Plateau de Beille - Hail Purito

Stage 12 and it was the final day in the Pyrenees Mountains on a tough 195km ride to Plateau de Beille.

As we know Gabs is the consummate locavore meaning he’ll often go foraging for food items at hand in the regions visited by the Tour. Curiously he went with a stew from Normandy, lamb navarin with mushroom and peas. Out of character for Gabs but the peloton appreciated the hearty feed after three tough days in the Pyrenees.

The day started out stinking hot but it was a different story at Plateau de Beille where buckets of rain and hailstones awaited. The Pyrenees appeared to have taken a leaf from the Melbourne weather book and delivered four seasons in day.

Thor really put the hammer down at the finish and a storm caused the power to out and grounded the Tour choppers.

Phil and Paul dashed outside to try to get the old diesel generator going. Usually a tap with hammer does the trick but not today. Probably would have paid to check it had fuel in it.

There was a big cheer after the lights came on when a quick thinking Jensie pulled out a bicycle powered generator and started pedalling like a man possessed. He’s not as fit since he retired from racing and was soon to be heard muttering under laboured breath, “shut up legs”.

After power was restored Tomo and Robbie reported they were alive and well, although Tomo is still assessing the damage to his hair. Don’t worry Tomo, have a word with John Degenkolb, he might be able to give you a special discount on shampoo.

The peloton managed to avoid the tempest at the finish but soon the rain started. Despite this the riders settled into a steady tempo and some riders even adopted time trialling poses. Michal Kwiatkowski, according to Phil, adopted a ‘relaxed fish position’. Did I really hear that? Not sure if I’m starting to suffer aural hallucinations, but you never can tell listening to Phil.

Movistar's away jersey

It was in the final 16 km climb on 7.9% average gradient that the race started to get really interesting. Kwiatkowski abandoned the relaxed fish position dropping Sep Vanmarke at 14 km to go. Romain Bardet had a better day but cracked a little as Joaquim ‘Purito’ Rodriquez took off after Kwiatkowski.

Purito caught Kwiatkowski at 7.5km to go and grimaced all the way in the driving rain to the finish.

Meanwhile Chris Froome was under attack from the remaining fantastic four. First it was Alberto Contador’s move. Then Nibs did something apart from dangle out the back. The team with the ‘big Ms on the jersey’ held back until Alejandro Valverde launched Nairo Quintana.

The Skybots aided by Chris’s mate Richie Froo...Porte fought off the concerted attack with Valverde picking up only one second. Jakob Fuglsang and Romain Bardet tried to catch up with Rodriguez but had to settle for second and third.

Another cigar for Purito who took his second stage at this Tour but chapeau to Romain Bardet who looked really crook with heatstroke the day before.

Post race there was talk of Asstana giving Nibali the arse. That may have been Asstana team owner Vino’s position before the stage but changed his tune after Nibali’s performance today.

As Rodriguez climbed the podium Tomo named Purito ‘Minister for Funny Faces’. Tomo, no one, but no one gurns like Thomas Voeckler.

Stage 10 Tarbes / La Pierre-Saint-Martin - Froome Vroom

Stage 10 and after the rest day in Pau the Tour headed skyward in the first of the mountain stages in the Pyrenees in southern France.

The rest day offered respite from a difficult first week and riders chose to spend the day in a variety of ways. For some there’s no let up and go out for a hard training ride to keep the motor ticking over. For others it may be a leisurely coffee ride or a chance for some binge watching of illegal downloads of their favourite series.

The bombshell of the day was Tinkoff-Saxo rider Ivan Basso’s announcement he was quitting the Tour after revealing he had testicular cancer. There was a huge outpouring of support for Basso and we wish him a successful recovery.

In the kitchen Gabs looked at the forecast for a rather warm day in the Pyrenees and didn’t fancy having to slave over a hot stove. Cold cuts and salad seemed a bit too boring and thought salmon tartare would be the perfect summery dish. No butter in the recipe but a bit of crème fraîche is delightful with the fish. The buerremetric counter sits on 130g.

The peloton set off on the gentle rolling roads that would be perfect for a delightful cycling holiday in the French countryside. Not much in the way of the fancy looking chateaux of the north, just one of your more typical fortified castles you see in the south of France were you’d expect a medieval soldier with an outrageous French accent to appear on the wall and hurl insults at the English.

I throw a gauntlet in your general direction

The riders went though some pretty towns through the valleys of the Basque country. One town, Paul noted, not only produced Basque linen but also umbrellas because it rains a lot.

Meanwhile eagle-eyed Phil spotted a Pyrenean vulture soaring above the valley, looking for signs of weakness in the peloton. He thought the vulture had the, “best place in the house of a view of the Tour de France and if they fall off he may well land and help himself”.  Lucky Lars Boom didn’t start, a fever put paid to that.

As the peloton headed skyward for the 15km climb to the finish, Paul delivered his standard rest day lecture about how the body can react in a ‘strange way’ after coming out of the starting blocks off the back of a rest day. In the heat a few bodies were reacting strangely and that was just the roadside randoms.

Eyes were on Frenchman Thibaut Pinot on Bastille Day but it seems at this year’s Tour he can’t take a trick and cracked early - boom, boom out go the lights, as Paul likes to say.

Nibs was the first of the ‘fabulous four’ to crack and was dangling out the back at about 10km to go. Phil said Nairo Quintana was up there in the front group, “but he’s so small we can’t see him.” An ‘Adams twin’ was there too, but we weren’t sure which.

Alejandro Valverde launched a short lived attack with a brutal burst of acceleration throwing a gauntlet in the general direction of the Skybots.

Alberto Contador started to crack at 6.5 km to go and Bertie looked like he was square dancing on the pedals. That was the moment Chris Froome decided to put the hammer down and pedalled away with a cadence that would put most of us to shame on the flat.

Quintana was barely able to hold Froome’s wheel when Froomey’s roomey Richie Porte closed in on the Columbian and overtook him to finish second. What was that about? It wasn’t as if Froome needed any help. All I can think of is Porte auditioning for a leading role with BMC.

Paul’s right about a ‘strange reaction’ after a rest day but none of us were prepared for Froome’s complete destroyation of all the riders on the way to La Pierre-Saint-Martin.

Stage 9 Vannes / Plumelec – The Fifth Man

Stage 9 and it was time for the time trial trial (TTT) on an undulating 28 km course before the Tour takes a well earned rest day. Two things made this TTT unique – it happened relatively late in the Tour and the uphill finish on the 1.7km Cote de Cadoudal in Plumelec.

Since this was the last stage before the rest day Gabs prepared a special dinner of pan-fried scallops with cauliflower. Another 10g of butter in this recipe, the buerremetric counter now sits on 130g.

Looks like from the small amounts of butter added day by day, Gabs has taken a leaf from the Skybot’s book and implemented a marginal gains strategy.

Out on the course the teams assembled at the start which was more of a start speed hump than a start house.

A much depleted Orica-GreenEDGE was the first to go. If they’d had the full complement of riders they would have been favourites to win the stage but with three out due to injury and a badly battered Bling on the team the aim was to finish with their chins up – or down I should say because you want to be sitting as low as possible to get the maximum aerodynamic advantage on a TT bike.

Paul noted the similarity in times of OGEs Yates twins at this Tour. Well Paul, since natural cloning hasn't been banned by the UCI it's no real surprise there's only a small time gap between Simon and Adam.

Asstana started out strong with some textbook paceline 101 but by the time the team reached the ‘tunnel of noise’ their performance had turned into one big scrappy mess with Nibs dangling off the back. Still they managed to clock a pretty good time and even got to sit on the barbecue hot seat.

The tunnel of noise, which is the new corridor of noise in Phil and Paul speak, seemed to cause problems for the riders who had trouble yelling out instructions to team mates over the fans.

Back in the caravan of noise Paul was stuck on repeat; “the finish time is taken on the fifth man.” Check. “Brittany is the epicentre of French cycling.” Check. I swear all this ‘fifth man’ talk would make great material for the Twelfth Man, although their gig is cricket.

Tejay after his ride

The noise from the fans caused some real bother for the Moviestars who in an attempt to use hand signals looked to be drowning not waving. Despite this they managed to knock off Asstana by 31 seconds and finished third. It came down to one man, Alejandro Valverde, who according to Paul, “doesn’t have a V8 engine or even a V12 engine, he’s a Ferrari.”

Clearly Paul was taken by Valverde and noted, "If you're the strongest man it's fantastic, you're having a bit of a floater." Er, thanks Paul.

An under-strength Katusha finished back in nineteenth place and did their best to stay away from the white lines. Tinko Soxo Saxo put in a workman like effort to finish in fourth.

Then it was down to the last teams, the Skybots v BMC. Sky’s riding high with Chris Froome in yellow with a solid squad around him. BMC aimed not just to win the stage but to try and snatch the golden fleece for Tejay van Garderen as well.

Reigning world TTT champions BMC rode hard to post the best time of the day. As the riders came in across the line Phil noticed van Garderen had worked really hard and his “mouth was opening and closing like a gold fish.”

Then it was down to the last team of the day, the Skybots. They looked dangerous at the time checks but fell just one second short to BMC. Froome managed to hold a 12 second lead over van Garderen.

There was a bit of a hold up with Froome’s podium preso with talk of officials going through bikes like shit through a goose checking for hidden motors again. Spare me.

Post race Tomo and Macka caught up with Tasmanian Richie Porte who spilled the beans on the worst kept secret in cycling history – that Porte would be leaving the Skybots. Seems he doesn’t want to be Froomey’s roomey no more. Where to next, BMC, the OGEs? Watch this space.

Looking back over the week this certainly was no easy start to the Tour. Some riders may be thinking that after the mayhem of the first week the mountains will be a relief.

Stage 6 Abbeville / Le Havre - Le Tour Storms Normandy

Stage 6 and the riders got another taste of sea air as they skirted the Norman coastline on the 191.5 km route from Abbeville to Le Havre.

In contrast to the battlefields of The Somme, the cycling Godz of Normandy turned on a magnificent summer’s day and plenty of cows came out to enjoy the sunshine and the cycling action. Some were seated and Phil cautioned that when the cows are sitting down it’s usually a sign of rain. You can’t get more of a classic Sherliggettism from Phil and hearing that is almost as good as Troll DJ busting out the first Muppets tune of the Tour.

After accusations Gabs was trying to do a Pete Evans on the peloton, he conceded that salad and kale smoothies were probably not a good choice for a hungry bunch of riders. However, he made up for that faux pas with blue eye with oysters in a creamy cider sauce. That’s more like it and although the 10g of butter is a marginal gain it’s enough to push up the buerremetric counter to 100g.

It must have had something to do with the weather but Phil and Paul were in jolly good spirits and Paul was up for a few jokes.

Paul recalled a tweet from Adam Hansen about his plastered shoulder and how it eased the pain just a little bit ‘but I have ‘pain’ for breakfast…’ Crickets from Phil, that one sailed right over the top of his head.

Ornithological humour is more Phil’s cup of tea. As the riders approached the breathtaking Alabaster Coast of Normandy Phil was busy checking out the birds flying around the cliffs. Paul quipped that “although we are looking at the birds, one or two of the riders will be puffin on the way to the finish”. Phil nearly lost it.

Such wit! The phone will be jumping off the hook from the scenic river cruise companies wanting to hire Paul as a comic entertainer.

The Tour choppers brought us more stunning pictures of the beautiful limestone formations on the coast which reminded Phil of the ‘Sisters’ on the Great Ocean Road in Victoria. I bet he’d be impressed by the Three Apostles in the Blue Mountains too…

The Grand Canyon, Normandy

It wasn’t just birds and limestone formations that caught Phil and Paul’s interest. A couple of blokes in yellow were spotted on high voltage lines on special ‘cable bikes’ which Phil thought were flying Teletubbies. Beats the flying dinghy spotted in stage 2 at the 2013 Tour, but only just.

After many hours in the saddle at some stage nature calls and out on the back roads of rural France the restrooms of service stations and a well known hamburger chain are few and far between. When you gotta go, you gotta go and the only option is by the road side.

Phil and Paul caught Alejandro Valverde during a ‘besoin naturel’ and noticed he’d ‘had an accident’ slipping on gravel. I don’t know what euphemism to read into that.

Speaking of water works, Paul was very impressed with the fine chateaux of the region and spotted one with a ‘water hammer’ for operating the fountains in the garden. Great if you can afford it, a water hammer in my ‘chateau’ usually means getting in a plumber and a second job to pay the bill.

Back to the race and Perrig Quémeneur, Daniel Teklehaimanot and Kenneth van Bilsen were out front most of the day in the breakaway. Eritrean rider Teklehaimanot made cycling history securing enough points in the King of the Mountains competition to become the first African to wear the polka dot jersey.

At 42 km to go Thomas Voeckler, who loves a good breakaway, tried to bridge the gap and got some TV time for team sponsor Oooropcar. Makes me wonder if there’s a clause in Voeckler’s contract that he has to give x amount of time in front of the cameras each Tour.

The breakies were eventually reeled in by the peloton in the final 10 kilometres and the riders got themselves organised for the uphill charge toward the finish line.

Then disaster struck for the man in yellow Tony Martin, who appeared to have clipped Vincenzo Nibali who went down along with Chris Froome. Martin was down on the ground for some time but with the help of some Etixx-Quick Step teammates rode to the line with a broken collarbone. Sadly, that was the end of Panzerwagen’s Tour.

But it wasn’t all bad news for Martin’s team; the man who ‘prefers roads with no surface’, Zdenek Stybar, avoided the crash to win the stage.

After the race confusion reigned as to who caused it. Nibs blamed Froome and threw a bidon at him.* Froome took the unusual step to meet Nibs at the Asstana team bus. Word quickly spread to chants of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” and riders came rushing from all directions. Froome entered the bus and Nibs apologised after watching the video replay and offered a cold one from the mini bar as a peace offering and the two GC men get to ride another day.

*allegedly.