Stage 16 Moirans-en-Montagne / Berne - Feel the Berne

Stage 16 and the riders set off on a stunningly beautiful day as the Tour headed on the 209 km route from Moirans-en-Montagne in France to Berne, Switzerland.

Since Gabs was now in Switzerland he prepared the Swiss classic veal with mushroom sauce and Rosti. There was joy in the peloton when the riders discovered there was 60 g of butter in the recipe. This brings the buerremetric counter to 790 g.

Early on in the race Tony Martin (the cyclist, not the comedian) and Julian Alaphilippe from Etixx-QuickStep broke away and despite the efforts of a few chasers could not be reeled back to the peloton. Robbie puzzled about their tactics. Oh, to be a fly on the windscreen of the Etixx-QuickStep team car. Well, not if you hit it at 100km/h.

Out on the road organ music seemed to appear from nowhere. It had the couch peloton wondering if that was that our Troll DJ or its French TV cousin practising on the Hammond.

The Etixx breakies were the first to say hello to Switzerland as they crossed the border. Martin was in Panzerwagen time trial beast mode but it wasn’t all one way. Martin agreed to time trial on the flat, Alaphilippe towing duties on the hills. Deal.

We got the real deal from Troll DJ playing a majestic tune for the majestic vaches montage from this year’s tour. Not long over the border and Switzerland turned out to be a vaches fest. Hmm, maybe the Swiss could lend a few to the Italians for the Giro in May.

Out on the road the thermometer was rising into the low 30s and the domestiques were busy with bidon collection duties. IAM Cycling must have been particularly thirsty - Stef Clement’s jersey looked like a condom stuffed full of water bottles.

Meanwhile Tony Martin continued to power on, treating this stage as if it were a 209 km time trial.

Tony Martin taking it in his stride

The Ps caught up to the caravan of commentary at about 55 km to go. All eyes were on Fabian Cancellara (or Spartacus as he’s affectionately known) who was heading to his home town in his final Tour de France. Could he win today? Phil and Paul thought he could noting he’d won in Berne before, in the final stage of the Tour de Suisse back in 2007. They then reminded us – repeatedly. That number of the day? 2007.

The breakies reached the intermediate sprint on their own and since he’d done most of the work Martin and Alaphilippe agreed to split the prize money 60/40. Martin made it look easy dragging Alaphilippe along but that wasn’t enough for the Panzerwagen who even started to do the pace making for a train at one stage.

Switzerland has a reputation for producing fine goods when it comes to cheese, multi-tooled pocket knives and of course watches and clocks. Phil and Paul were particularly enamoured of the Swiss built machines of BMC claiming they are the ‘Swiss watch of bicycles’. Well, if BMC is the Swiss watch of bicycles then those neutral service spares are the two-bob watches.

Martin and Alaphilippe looked like they might have had a chance to make it all the way to Berne but eventually succumbed to the peloton. Alaphillipe was the first to sit up, caught at 25 km to go. Martin kept on going until, in the words of Paul, “boom, boom, out go the lights”, caught at 22 km to go.

Phil and Paul noted it was Mandela Day in South Africa and recalled that Steve Cummings riding for the then South African MTN Qhubeka team won the stage at last year’s Tour on that day. Surprising then it took that long for the two to twig at 12 km to go there was a South African in the race in the form of Daryl Impey. All of a sudden Spartacus was forgotten.

As the kilometres counted down Rui Costa got himself out in the front of the peloton who had him in their sights. Brave but he didn’t stand a chance and was gone at 4 km to go.

The final 600 metres to the line is a cobbled incline reminiscent of a one-day classics style finish. Classics specialist Spartacus was well positioned but didn’t quite have the fire power as ‘Penis Sagan’ (yes, Phil did say that) pipped Alexander Kristoff with a thrust to the line for his third stage win at this Tour.

Celebration from the Spartacus fans wasn’t to be but he still managed a top ten finish not to be sneezed at for such a long day in the saddle. But the party was about to start for the large contingent of Peter Sagan fans who arrived from Slovakia on the bus known as the Sagz Wagon.

Oh yeah, and Chris Froome hung on to yellow with a handy 01’ 47” lead over Bauke Mollema.

Stage 3 Anvers / Huy - Hell in the North

Stage 3 and the Tour moved to Belgium for 159.5 km route from Anvers ( Antwerp) to Huy. The peloton set off with one thing in mind – the  finish at the top of the short but brutal Mur de Huy (literally Wall of Huy), the traditional hill finish of the one-day Spring classic La Fleche Wallonne.

The 1.3km climb doesn’t seem too hard on paper but in reality it’s a narrow twisting climb that kicks up very steeply on some of the corners. The other difficulty associated with the climb is how do you properly pronounce Mur de Huy? Is it ‘Murder Wee’, ‘Moody Wee’? I think we can settle on ‘Moo-do-Hooee’ as a bit of dairying goes on in the area.

Now that the Tour is in Belgium, Gabs thought the lads might be up for a serve of hot chips. Let’s face it, aren’t we all always up for a serve of hot chips? OK, maybe not for breakfast, that’s cold pizza, but you get the idea.

No butter in Gab’s recipe for Belgian fries, just sliced up spuds cooked in hot oil with some mayo to go with it. Anyway who cares about butter? They’re hot chips for goodness sake. The Buerremetric counter sits at 90g.

In contrast to the rain and wind of Zeeland, Belgium put on a lovely day in a part of the world more accustomed to gloomy skies and rain. The peloton looked relatively relaxed, probably with the relief of having survived a nasty day on the blustery Dutch coast.

Spartacus defiantly takes on the Mur de Huy

Just like over the border in Holland, Belgians are rather fond of their road furniture. So much so they took measures to protect it from the riders with tried and true hay bale safety barriers. Either that or they were expecting a large and hungry herd of livestock to follow the peloton.

It was also a lovely day for a bit of tractor field art. At the spring classics in Belgium we saw a lot of tractors at the roadside as part of a campaign by dairy farmers against the removal of EU milk quotas.

In some countries people take to bad street theatre whereas the Belgians seem to take to their tractors whenever they have a gripe against government. A spin off of this is a growing tractor field art movement and from what we saw the Belgians are getting quite good at it.

Phil and Paul discussed the various fashions of the peloton and couldn’t help but notice the change to the Tinkoff-Saxo kit. It’s certainly bright but can’t quite work out what’s the go with the camouflage pattern. Are the Tinkies part of Putin’s plans for an invasion of Ukraine?

Back to the race the peloton was setting a cracking pace when at around 55 km to go disaster struck where a touch of wheels sent riders crashing all over the road and into ditches.

White jersey leader Tom Dumoulin was the first to abandon with a shoulder injury. William Bonnet was out with a head injury.  OGE Simon Gerrans’ run of terrible luck continued with a broken wrist and teammate Daryl Impey also abandoned due a shoulder injury. This is huge blow for the OGEs who will go into the stage 9 team time trial with only seven riders.

The man in yellow Spartacus didn’t escape the mayhem either. He got up looking sore but got back on his bike and rode on - little did we know - with two broken vertebrae.

The crash resulted in the race being neutralised, then it was stopped for about ten minutes by officials as medics were dispatched to deal with the many wounded. Opinion was divided on whether the race should have been totally brought to a halt but given the amount of carnage out there it was probably the right decision.

The race was re-started and the riders were clearly shaken. The riders eventually settled down and the pace was back on. We could see Spartacus was hurting and he was going to hurt more climbing the Mur de Huy.

As the Mur de Huy loomed Phil saw riders ‘bubbling to the top of the pot’. I presume that’s the same as Matthew Keenan’s ‘cream rising to the top’.

On the climb up the Mur de Huy Chris Froome and Alberto Contador went head to head and then Joaquim Rodriguez bubbled over the top to pull away from Froome and ‘Purito’ (little cigar) was first across the line. No stage win cigar for Froome but he moved into yellow with a one second lead over Panzerwagen Tony Martin.

One by one the battered and grazed riders crossed the line and special applause was saved for Fabian Cancellara who was determined to finish the stage with a broken back rather than abandon on course. That’s Spartacus for you, always a fighter to the end.

Stage 2 Utrecht / Zélande – I do like to be by the zee-side

With the ITT out of the way stage 2 saw the peloton take to the road on another pancake flat course and you couldn’t get a stage profile flatter than this. In fact it was so flat that sometimes even the raised bits were flat. At just 6m at its ‘highest’ point the riders needed to bring their best climbing legs.

The riders set out from a sunny Utrecht to the heart of the Zeeland delta. An easy day in the saddle? HA! There was a lot of Dutch road furniture to negotiate, particularly on the outskirts of Rotterdam, home to one of the world’s busiest ports.

Race organisers did their best to tame the road furniture, and when it comes to traffic management the Netherlands is basically the Franco Cozzo of road furniture – in other words completely over the top.

Normally this road furniture serves the purpose of helping to keep cyclists nice and safe separated from cars. Great for commuters in a country where the bicycle is a main mode of transport but crap for racing when you’re trying to funnel a large peloton moving at high speed safely through a city.

It’s not just curbing and roundabouts to worry about. Road markings can become slippery when wet and Paul mentioned that ‘white lines are very precarious.’ Just ask the Gold Coast Suns, they know all about that.

Factor in the coastal crosswinds and nerves in the peloton and you’ve got a recipe for carnage. Did I mention the chance of the heavens opening up on the race?

Back in the Tour kitchen Gabs cooked up a storm with the mussels he collected from around the barrages protecting the low lying Zeeland polder from being swallowed up by the North Sea. The mussels with beer sabayon gratin were a hit with the riders washed down with Dutch beer after a hard day in the saddle.

The recipe contained 50g of butter. Gabs is off to a flying start this year pushing the Buerremetric counter to 90g.

Some magical kites in the sky

Out on the road sunshine turned to storm clouds and pretty soon the dreaded cross winds sprung up causing splits in the peloton. Along with the wind came the rain, and lots of it, making it hard to see.

As I watched the race, I was starting to think the beer was making the TV screen blurry but quickly realised it was only the rain. It soon dawned on me it was probably a good time to move the TV inside…

Crashes in the wet conditions were inevitable. Aussie workhorse Adam Hansen - who’s completed more Grand Tours than he’s had hot dinners - was ouching from a chute but got back on the bike.

Good thing there are mobile medics out on course. Paul spotted a rider having a ‘free consultation with the doctor. ‘ I dunno Paul, looked suspiciously like a free tow from a team car to me.

After crashes punctures became a bit of a problem.  Flat tyres in quick succession had us wondering if the douche that’s been laying tacks on Yarra Boulevard has gone abroad.

As we know the Netherlands is famous for its windmills which were used extensively for pumping and grinding. But with so many windmills I’m wondering if Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is planning a holiday there anytime soon since he declared wind farms to be ‘visually awful.’
 
Holland would have to be the holiday from hell for Tones. As the race neared the coast those ‘visually awful’ wind turbines loomed into view. Oh no, I hope Tony didn’t see that on the telly, he’ll be calling for heads to roll at SBS.

Despite the wind Phil spotted a windmill that wasn’t moving. He thought it was still because the engine had been turned off. There we go, just when we thought we were starting to get over the hidden motor conspiracy.

As the race drew to a close Phil caught sight of ‘the magical red kite in the sky’ causing us to question what meds he is on.

Andre Greipel, Mark Cavendish, Fabian Cancellara, Tony Martin and Peter Sagan battled for the line. Cavendish’s lead out catapult Mark Renshaw went just a little too early but Greipel’s  lead out timed it to perfection delivering  the stage and a green jersey for the Gorilla.

Rohan Dennis who'd dominated the ITT the day before surrendered the golden fleece to Fabian Cancellara whose surprising  finish in third and with time bonuses pushed him into first place in the GC.

Stage 1 Utrecht / Utrecht - Dennis menaces the ITT to victory in Utrecht

The 102^nd edition of the Tour de France kicked off in Utrecht, the Netherlands, on a hot sunny day with an individual time trial, the so called ‘race of truth’ (or clichés) on a pancake flat but twisty course in the heart of town.

SBS host Mike Tomalaris opened proceedings with a reminder of his twentieth year covering the Tour de France. Congratulations Mike for bringing the world of cycling into our lounge rooms and raising the profile of the sport down under.

Mind you back then Mike wouldn’t have looked out of place rocking a keytar in a Pseudo Echo line up.

Tomo all those years ago.      Picture courtesy of @sitdowninfront

Our favourite chef Gabriel Gaté was back on duty and ready to feed the peloton for the next three weeks. On his way through Gouda he picked up a few wheels - of cheese, not bikes that is - and cooked up a batch of delicious Dutch Gouda tartlets.

"I Gouda been a contender. I Gouda been somebody".  Picture courtesy of the Internet.

I think he’s finally heeded the complaints about the lack of butter in his recipes in the opening stages of recent Tours and the Buerremetric counter opens with 40grams.

Before the time trialling even got underway there was controversy with Asstana’s Lars Boom. As Paul Sherwen put it (yes, he’s back along with Phil Liggett), the Dutchman was pulled up due to ‘undulating values in his biological passport.’ I guess that’s Sherwenese for ‘suspect drug cheat?’

At issue were low cortisol levels detected in a health test which could suggest cortisone abuse. Asstana happens to belong to the group Movement for Credible Cycling (MPCC) and under its rules Boom should’ve been stood down for eight days. Asstana ignored the rule and let Boom start anyway, which says a lot about the credibility of the team’s commitment to the MPCC.

One by one the riders started from the start house, or the finish house, Phil wasn’t quite sure. One thing we were sure of after Aussie BMC rider Rohan Dennis finished his ITT was that we knew he’d broken Chris Boardman’s record for the fastest Tour time trial.

It was Rohan’s turn for the hot seat and there he sat for the rest of the race and he has the distinctive grill markings on his knicks to prove it. Fancied favourites ‘Panzerwagen’ Tony Martin, Spartacus (Fabian Cancellara) tried, but failed, to push Dennis off the BBQ.

Dutchman Tom Dumoulin started his time trial with the full support and full voice of his countrymen and women. Paul reckoned the Dutch fans would be blowing on Dumoulin’s back, er, to urge him on to the win. Still it wasn’t enough.

And it looked like all of Utrecht turned out to watch the stage on the 13.8km course. As it turned out the turns were not as difficult as first thought. Paul described the corners as floaters. Yikes, don’t you just hate that? People should be reminded to flush.

As the afternoon wore on the temperature continued to rise. Phil noted riders were putting on ice vests much like heaters on F1 race car tyres. Paul spotted a golf ball helmet. Well, you know what they say about cycling...

Apart from the kafuffle surrounding Lars Boom’s start there were no major incidents to report. OK, there was a bit of a drama with BMC’s Dominik Nerz’s broken extension bar, and that’s not a euphemism by the way.

Paul noted every rider had been dreaming of winning the ITT. Only a rider, not a dreamer, can win and Rohan Dennis rode an amazing race to wear the golden fleece with pride.

I’ve been a bit busy lately penning a tune for the Tour. I can’t think of a better way of honouring the Tour by paying tribute to John Degenkolb who’s here at this year and is the winner of the prestigious Milan San-Remo – Paris-Roubaix double.

I guarantee after your little darlings hear this they’ll be singing it for the next three weeks, although by then you’ll probably wishing your offspring would just let it go...

Without further ado I bring you ‘Degenkolb’, to the hit tune from the Disnae movie Frozen.

Degenkolb (to the tune of Let it Go)

The red kite shows the finish in site

Not a soigneur to be seen

Paris is the destination

And the next stage is the queen

The cross winds are a howling and there’s an echelon to the side

The peloton couldn’t keep together, heaven knows they tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

Be the good rider you always have to be

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know

Well, time to go

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

Can’t hold him back anymore

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

Pedal on and slam the door

He don’t care what they’re going to say

Let the race go on

The moustache jokes never bothered him anyway

It’s funny how some distance makes the peloton seem so small

And the nerves that once controlled him don’t get to him at all

It’s time to see what he can do

Test the red zone limit and break through

The way is clear for him he sees

He’s free

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

Rides like the wind against Sky

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

On the straight you’ll see him fly

On the podium he stands and there he’ll stay

Let the race go on

His power transfers through the pedals to the ground

His chain ring is spiralling in a frenzy all around

And one thought as Kristoff tries to whiz past

There’s no looking back, he’s riding freaking fast

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

He’ll rise to train at the break of dawn

Degenkolb, Degenkolb

The perfect lead out has gone

On the podium he stands in the light of day

Let the race go on

The cobbles never bothered him anyway