Stage 20 Megève / Morzine-Avoriaz - Dizzyguirre Takes Stage On Monster Descent

Stage 20 and it was the penultimate stage before the peloton jumps on a plane for Paris on a 146.5 km mountain stage from Megève to Morzine-Avoriaz.

Over to the kitchen and Gabs made a potato and reblochon cheese gratin which Gabs says is a popular party dish for young adults. He also made mention of a ‘lizard trolley’. I don’t know what sort of wild parties you go to Gabs!

The gratin is also a speciality of the Haute Savoie Alps region so here was a chance for the peloton to savour some real savoie fare...

Gabs has made a late run on the butter. The recipe calls for 20g but the baking dish needs to be lined with extra butter. A whole block should do it, you’d better make doubly sure the gratin doesn’t stick to the base requiring a jack hammer to clean it off. This takes the buerremetric counter to 1.1 kg. Tomorrow’s stage will bring us the verdict on ‘the year of the butter’.

From the fall of the flag at the conclusion of the départ fictif the riders were off to a quick start with Sylvain Chavanel launching the first attack.

Mattie and Robbie engaged in a bit of hot air balloon chat but between you and me, best leave it to the ‘experts’, eh?

The peloton passed what at first appeared to be a chateau but turned out to be a convent. OMG, a real life flying nun school! Plenty of wind must blow through the Alps to achieve lift off.

The rain started pelting down, Some cows were seen standing and one seated at 101 km to go so only the seated cow got the forecast right. No goats were sighted on the stage.

Wet and slippery roads inevitably brought up the topic of tread on bicycle tyres. Robbie didn’t think tread would make much of difference as a car tyre is completely different. Surely Robbie the technology exists to make a bike version of a Computer Cat tyre? They were pretty clever back in the 80s and computers have advanced a fair bit since then.

The heavens really opened and even Thor made an appearance putting the hammer down.

Earlier Henk Vogels had been out looking for filthy roads and filed a report about a monster climb he found so apparently the monster climb is the new filthy road.

Race radio was playing up as moisture seeped into the valves and messages weren’t getting across to the riders. Well, that’s what *they* say – ‘my radio isn’t working’ is the equivalent of the dog ate my homework.

There was some nice work from the camera moto for the deft cutaway from a potential nude male roadside runner. Still in the cold wet conditions we wouldn’t have seen much allowing for shrinkage.

Robbie and Mattie were caught at 60 km to go, or there abouts, my TV screen is getting harder to read. Either I get my eyes tested or get a bigger TV for next year’s Tour.

One minute in to the commentary from the Ps and already the first ‘job of work’ from Paul. This was going to be a long 60 kms.

Please, do tell about this curious sport of 'cyclocross'. In your own time Paul.

Sure enough the mangling of idioms had commenced with ‘petal to the metal’ and ‘new man on the block’.

Chapeau to the French couch peloton contingent who out-Sherliggetted the SherLiggetts with ‘Julinson Pantaphilippe’ and ‘Jarlinsian Alaphitano’, for Julian Alaphilippe and Jarlinson Pantano who’d been riding side by side out front. Genius.

Phil and Paul broke the news Peter Sagan had been handed the must combative rider of the Tour award. The packing room begs to differ – sure he’s been impressive picking up the stage wins but he already had the green jersey in the bag in the first week. Personally I think Pantano should have got it but he did pick it up for the stage at least.

Alaphitano may have been working hard out there but Paul saw Daryl Impey ‘dishing out the stick’.

The end came for the Pantaphilippe duo on the Col de Joux Plane when the fin of the ‘Shark of Messina’ Vincenzo Nibali surfaced. That’s it, when the fin of Nibali appears you’re goooone.

By this time the rain was in Biblical proportions and Phil watched as, “Nibali on the flood waters is closing in”. Phil thought he saw Alaphilippe mouth his last words, “I’m Julian Alaphilippe and I’m from Belg...I’m from France”.

It was a massive mauling from Nibali who made the most of the wet conditions turning it to shark fin soup.

There was 9 km of descending to go under very treacherous conditions on a road that even on a dry day would have you reaching for a pair of FDJ brown knicks.

Nice bike wrangling skills from Pantano who saved himself on a tricky corner and managed to catch the shark that ripped his legs off on the climb.

Race radio was officially washed out as the valves went out one by one. It didn’t seem to matter now as Ion ‘Dizzyguirre’ had the lead and took on the vomit-comet inducing descent.

We got the lecture from Paul about the winter sport of cyclocross. Paul, just like ad breaks in the final 10 kms this really isn’t the time.

Ion Izaguirre soloed to the line and what a win for the Basque born rider who bagged the first win of the Tour for the Moviestars team.

Back in the GC group Chris Froome had a reserved booking for the top step of the podium but the rest of the top ten hadn’t been settled. Richie Porte’s throw at a podium step didn’t quite work and settled for fifth. Twelve year old Romain Bardet must be thrilled as the runner up and Nairo Quintana, who blamed his performance on allergies, still grabbed a podium step in third.

There was a delay in the yellow jersey presso and Tomo was getting worried that the meter on the satellite feed would run out.

We finally got to see Froome receive his golden fleece and podium lion. As it turned out the delay was not caused by a re-dressing of his wounds and a quick freshen up - the machine used by officials to detect heat generated by hidden motors in bikes picked up a Pokémon GO Vaporeon monster and there was a stampede to the Sky team bus.

Stage 16 Moirans-en-Montagne / Berne - Feel the Berne

Stage 16 and the riders set off on a stunningly beautiful day as the Tour headed on the 209 km route from Moirans-en-Montagne in France to Berne, Switzerland.

Since Gabs was now in Switzerland he prepared the Swiss classic veal with mushroom sauce and Rosti. There was joy in the peloton when the riders discovered there was 60 g of butter in the recipe. This brings the buerremetric counter to 790 g.

Early on in the race Tony Martin (the cyclist, not the comedian) and Julian Alaphilippe from Etixx-QuickStep broke away and despite the efforts of a few chasers could not be reeled back to the peloton. Robbie puzzled about their tactics. Oh, to be a fly on the windscreen of the Etixx-QuickStep team car. Well, not if you hit it at 100km/h.

Out on the road organ music seemed to appear from nowhere. It had the couch peloton wondering if that was that our Troll DJ or its French TV cousin practising on the Hammond.

The Etixx breakies were the first to say hello to Switzerland as they crossed the border. Martin was in Panzerwagen time trial beast mode but it wasn’t all one way. Martin agreed to time trial on the flat, Alaphilippe towing duties on the hills. Deal.

We got the real deal from Troll DJ playing a majestic tune for the majestic vaches montage from this year’s tour. Not long over the border and Switzerland turned out to be a vaches fest. Hmm, maybe the Swiss could lend a few to the Italians for the Giro in May.

Out on the road the thermometer was rising into the low 30s and the domestiques were busy with bidon collection duties. IAM Cycling must have been particularly thirsty - Stef Clement’s jersey looked like a condom stuffed full of water bottles.

Meanwhile Tony Martin continued to power on, treating this stage as if it were a 209 km time trial.

Tony Martin taking it in his stride

The Ps caught up to the caravan of commentary at about 55 km to go. All eyes were on Fabian Cancellara (or Spartacus as he’s affectionately known) who was heading to his home town in his final Tour de France. Could he win today? Phil and Paul thought he could noting he’d won in Berne before, in the final stage of the Tour de Suisse back in 2007. They then reminded us – repeatedly. That number of the day? 2007.

The breakies reached the intermediate sprint on their own and since he’d done most of the work Martin and Alaphilippe agreed to split the prize money 60/40. Martin made it look easy dragging Alaphilippe along but that wasn’t enough for the Panzerwagen who even started to do the pace making for a train at one stage.

Switzerland has a reputation for producing fine goods when it comes to cheese, multi-tooled pocket knives and of course watches and clocks. Phil and Paul were particularly enamoured of the Swiss built machines of BMC claiming they are the ‘Swiss watch of bicycles’. Well, if BMC is the Swiss watch of bicycles then those neutral service spares are the two-bob watches.

Martin and Alaphilippe looked like they might have had a chance to make it all the way to Berne but eventually succumbed to the peloton. Alaphillipe was the first to sit up, caught at 25 km to go. Martin kept on going until, in the words of Paul, “boom, boom, out go the lights”, caught at 22 km to go.

Phil and Paul noted it was Mandela Day in South Africa and recalled that Steve Cummings riding for the then South African MTN Qhubeka team won the stage at last year’s Tour on that day. Surprising then it took that long for the two to twig at 12 km to go there was a South African in the race in the form of Daryl Impey. All of a sudden Spartacus was forgotten.

As the kilometres counted down Rui Costa got himself out in the front of the peloton who had him in their sights. Brave but he didn’t stand a chance and was gone at 4 km to go.

The final 600 metres to the line is a cobbled incline reminiscent of a one-day classics style finish. Classics specialist Spartacus was well positioned but didn’t quite have the fire power as ‘Penis Sagan’ (yes, Phil did say that) pipped Alexander Kristoff with a thrust to the line for his third stage win at this Tour.

Celebration from the Spartacus fans wasn’t to be but he still managed a top ten finish not to be sneezed at for such a long day in the saddle. But the party was about to start for the large contingent of Peter Sagan fans who arrived from Slovakia on the bus known as the Sagz Wagon.

Oh yeah, and Chris Froome hung on to yellow with a handy 01’ 47” lead over Bauke Mollema.

Stage 15 Bourg-en-Bresse / Culoz - Colombian Conquers Colombier in Culoz

Stage 15 and its back in the mountains as the Tour heads toward Switzerland on a 159 km route from Bourg-en-Bresse to Culoz.

After the dip and crackers debacle, Gabs made it up to the peloton with the family favourite grandmother’s chicken. The butter makes a welcome return since we last saw it in stage 10. The two tablespoons take the buerremetric counter to 730 g.

Early on in the race a sizable breakaway made its escape which included a handful of French riders including Julian Alaphilippe, Alexis Vuillermoz, Roman Sicard and of course Thomas Voeckler. 

Time is running out for a French victory at this year’s Tour. Bryan Coquard came so close in stage 4 to Marcel Kittel but today might be the day. However, the determination of Poland’s Rafal Majka to grab the polka dot jersey looked to spoil their chances.

Robbie and Mattie were calling the race from the drop of the flag. The topic of conversation was Mark Cavendish’s 30 Tour stage victories, just four short of Eddy Merckx. Cav would prefer not to be compared to the legendary Eddy Merckx because he’s Eddy Merckx. And just how good was Eddy Merckx? According to Robbie he was so good he won races he wasn’t even in.

At the 52 km mark the riders took on the category 2 ‘Col de Pea Soup’. Believe me, Robbie is getting better with his French. He can also say wazoo, which is French for bird.

The peloton made its way through countryside that takes pride in its cheese. This was celebrated in the field art work titled by Robbie, ‘Milking the cow, making the cheese’.

Phil and Paul did a Chris Froome and threw out the rule book to launch a surprise attack to catch Robbie and Mattie at 69 km to go in time for the big climb on the hors categorie Grand Colombier.

With a big contingent of Colombian riders at this Tour they shouldn’t have any trouble on the Grand Colombier, which is merely the size of foothill in their home country.

The riders started the climb of the Grand Colombier in earnest to the tune of cow bells from spectators at the side of the road, which makes up part of the soundtrack to the Tour in these mountainous regions.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier

The 13 km climb soon took its toll as one by one the sprinters were spat out the back. Every now and then Europe’s highest peak of the snow capped Mont Blanc came into view. Good thing there’s no road up there, the sprinters would just toss their bike to the side of the road and go home.

Still Mont Blanc provided a majestic backdrop to majestic vaches in one of the helicopter shots and I could almost cry.

Maps of the ‘hexagon of France’ featured heavily in field art. I wonder Paul just how many hectometres are there in the hexagon of France? There are just not enough fingers and toes to count.

Rounding the corner into the final week of the Tour we got our first ‘heads of state’ couch peloton drinking game mention from Paul. Time to raid the top shelf. Expect to hear more of heads of state in the coming days as podium in Paris takes shape.

Majka was first over the top of Grand Colombier and went on the descent with Alaphilippe and Colombian rider Jarlinson Pantano toward the finish line at Culoz. At first it was reported Julian Alaphilippe had crashed but it turned out to just be a mechanical.

Majka and Pantano crossed the line but the race wasn’t over yet with a lap of Grand Colombier but this time from a different approach via the spectacular Lacets du Grand Colombier.

The Lacets du Grand Colombier is an amazing piece of road that twists and turns up the mountain. Phil said it resembled a tape worm. I think it looked more like intestines, or was it a series of S-bends?

Questionable fan behaviour was on display as smoke from a lit flare reduced visibility on the climb to zero. My lesson is hey kids, don’t set fire to your flares, wear them like a boss.

France’s last hope for the stage Romain Bardet rolled the dice on the Lacets but by that stage Majka and Pantano where making their charge down the hella cray but hella fun descent to Culoz.

Pantano was too good for Majka in the sprint to the line making it his first Tour victory, and a victory for Colombia on the Grand Colombier.

Rafal Majka has won stages in all the Tours he’s participated in (okay, this is only his third). Better luck next time, you’ll still win a stage – it’s in the contract.

Stage 14 Montélimar / Villars-les-Dombes Parc des Oiseaux - Cav Flying High On Win Number 30

Stage 14 and the Tour headed north on a flat 208.5 km route from Montélimar to Villars-les-Dombes Parc des Oiseaux.

Gabs prepared a cream cheese and herb dip and the riders were bemused that all they were getting was some crackers and dip. No butter either and the peloton banged their tin cups in unison until Tour organisers brought in pizzas and garlic bread (at least there’s butter in that).

The dip was a delicious starter though, mind you, the riders watched each other like hawks so there was no double dipping.

The winds of the past two days continued to blow down the Rhone Valley. A strong headwind slowed down the riders until Jeremy Roy, Alex Howes, Martin Elmiger and Cesar Cenedetti broke free. For the most part though the peloton took it easy with some big mountains coming up in Switzerland.

It was time for Robbie and Tomo from the caravan of commentary to let their hair down a little and put together a blooper reel set to the Troll DJ classic ‘Manamana’. Henk is reported to be filthy about it.

Back to the race and Robbie spotted a unique chateau that took one man 30 years to build. All materials were locally sourced which happened to be mostly be snails and rocks. Yep, you can’t get those materials down at Bunnings.

Robbie was dissecting the art of the bidon toss. He stressed it was important to throw bidons toward the kids at the side of the road and not at them and it’s probably best to check they’re not full either.

The domestiques scooped up the musettes as they passed through the feed zone. They looked quite colourful. I wonder if there’s a Bertie the Beetle feedbag? And by that I’m not talking about a feedbag of steak but one with a few chocolate beetles and a plastic thing. Go for the premium 40 euro bag and you also get a voucher for a hotdog and bottle of water at Euro Disneyland. They sell out really quickly – Oleg goes and buys them all for his Tinkies because he can.

British Olympic team selectors on the phone to Cav

The French broadcasters ran an educational film on how the Tour does its bit for the environment, which is mostly picking up rubbish. Okay, it isn’t exactly saving island nations in the Pacific from drowning kind of stuff but we don’t want the environment clogged with Bertie Beetle wrappers do we?

Robbie has been working on his French and since the Tour would be arriving at a bird park (Parc des Oiseaux) here was a chance to expand his vocabulary. Robbie thought ‘wazoo’ was French for a stork and then learned it was French for bird. Technically Robbie was correct, a stork is a bird, but totally wrong at the same time.

Mattie and Robbie discussed Julian Alaphilippe’s remarkable escape from major injury in the previous day’s time trial. The Frenchman was barrelling along when a gust wind blew him into a rock face at the side of the road. He walked away with just a scratch and a couple of bruises. We’ll never know what Julian was thinking as he flew off that rock face but I reckon he was probably shrieking ‘merde!’

Phil and Paul made their catch and couldn’t stop talking about their morning at the wazoo park. They had a ball, a real highlight of the Tour and it couldn’t have been any better unless it was a dry stone wall festival.

The Ps noted the park was a delight for the working media covering the Tour, unless you happen to suffer ornithophobia of course.

Paul was particularly interested in the varieties of African species in the park. Hornbills, storks and his favourite, pink flamingos, were all there - except for the Abyssinian ground hornbill. Wow, Paul REALLY knows his hornbills.

Oh yes, there are penguins too, but sadly, no puffins.

Back on the road and the riders pedalled though fields of sunflowers or tournesols to the delight of the couch peloton. About time too, Tour organisers have really had to make up for the dearth of tournesols last year.

Down at the business end of the race the last of the two breakies Elmiger and Roy shook hands before being swallowed up by the bunch at around 3 km to go.

On the sprint to the line Marcel Kittel misfired as Mark Cavendish sailed past him to notch up his fourth win at this Tour and made it Tour stage victory number 30.

With four wins at this Tour and a week of mountains ahead it might be time to call it quits to get ready for Rio. Something tells me British Olympic team selectors are on the phone to Cav already.

Stage 5 Limoges / Le Lioran - GVA FTW

After four days on flat roads, the riders got their first taste of the mountains in the Massif Central on the stage 5 216 km route from Limoges to Le Lioran.

In the Tour kitchen Gab’s prepared duck fillet with porcini mushrooms and green peppercorn sauce. Er, Gabs, I’ve run a few checks over the recipe and no butter – again. What happened to the supply from Normandy? Have you been secretly gnawing away on the butter all this time? ‘Year of the butter.’ Yeah, maybe for YOU Gabs!!!

Robbie dashed to the caravan of commentary after catching up with Tomo. Robbie described the ‘arsephalt’ surface of the road as being a bit rough.

The temperature had been steadily rising all morning and Robbie confessed that he would have liked a dip in a creek and a nanna-nap on the grass on a hot day when he was racing.

That may have been you Robbie put the nine man early breakaway wasn’t taking this stage lying down.

Andriy Grivko, Rafal Majka, Cyril Gautier, Greg Van Avermaet, Serge Pauwels, Bartosz Huzarski, Thomas De Gendt, Romain Sicard and Florian Vachon built a lead on a peloton happy to sit back while the breakies knocked themselves out. The lead bunch split again with Greg, Grivko and De Gendt taking off up the road.

At around 73 km to go GVA, Grivko and De Gendt had built a 15 minute lead and wondered if the peloton had stopped for a quick dip in the creek and a nanna-nap. It was clear the breakaway would survive but there was some tough climbing ahead.

Phil and Paul caught Robbie and Mattie at about 50km to go. Phil looked at the geography of the Massif Central and worried about the 6 million year old puys or extinct volcanoes rumbling back to life during the stage. Paul reassured Phil that, “there are ‘happy geologists’ taking a look at the plugs of extinct volcanoes.” Let’s hope they don’t pull any.

Paul was more concerned with the ‘heavy’ roads of the region slowing down the bikes. Perhaps they should have been made from lighter arsephalt?

The Skybots turn the tables on the Moviestars

At 35km to go the peloton, sensing it’d better hurry up or fall outside the cut-off time, stepped on the gas led by the Moviestars, who gave the Skybots a very Hollywood slap in the face.

Grivko couldn’t hang on to GVA and De Gendt on the climb of the Puy Mary. Back in the peloton Peter Sagan cracked and kissed goodbye to yellow as he was dropped. Sagan was still smiling for the cameras, or was he hiding a grimace?

A stage like today can be pretty tough for a sprinter and Paul noted of the climbs, “if we were in a hot air balloon we’d be throwing out the sandbags to get height”. We’ll be needing to turn off the hot air if we ever want to get back down again.

The Skybots turned the tables on the Moviestars giving them a slap or two. Meanwhile Julian Alaphilippe, (currently second in the GC standings) was, in the classic words of Paul, “fighting with his machine.”

Paul said GVA had 'a job in hand' to get the yellow jersey but he got the better of De Gendt and soloed away on the Col de Perthus. The ‘magnet of the maillot juane’ drew him ever closer to the finish. There was one tricky right hand turn that, according to Phil, if you didn’t make it you’d “go in for the full on barbecue”, but GVA went on to win the stage and slip on the golden fleece for the first time.

You could say it was a massif win for GVA, and on a sprayed BMC bike too. Previously, as Phil noted, the BMC team had ridden naked carbon.

Stage 2 Saint-Lô / Cherbourg-en-Cotentin – A Bridge Too Far

Stage 2 and the peloton continued its tour of the Manche ‘departamount’ in Normandy on a slightly lumpy 183 km course between Saint-Lô and Cherbourg-en-Cotentin.

In the kitchen Gabs prepared a sumptuous scallop mousse with prawn sauce. No butter in the actual recipe, that’s reserved for buttering the soufflé bowls. Since there was no actual quantity specified may as well go all out and use the whole block, you can’t be too careful. This takes the buerremetric counter to 270g.

Being just across the channel from England they cop a fair bit of precipitation in this part of France and today was no exception.

On the way to the caravan of commentary Robbie McEwen stopped to have a chat with Tomo. Robbie looked like a drowned rat which had the couch peloton wondering what he’d been up to all morning. It’s only stage 2 of the Tour and I’m starting to worry about Robbie. Mattie, I’d be keeping him on a short leash if I were you.

I mean you don’t want Robbie to follow the example of Henk Vogels who we discovered had been out searching for the ‘filthiest piece of road.’

The breakaway of Paul Voss, Cesare Benedetti, Vegard Breen and Jasper Stuyven was on from the get-go in the soggy conditions. Thank goodness for space-age materials and breathable fabrics that make modern rain capes, according to Robbie like ‘water off a duck’s back.’

But it didn’t stop there, moist conditions played havoc with the moto cameras. The Vaseline smeared camera lens look is soooooo Giro d’Italia.

At the 60km mark Alberto Contador crashed again. This is not a great start for the Spaniard. But more disturbing was the sight of one of the Tinkie team mates appearing to eat the in-sole of Contador’s shoe after retrieving a new one from the team car. Mattie quipped it was a, “late lunch on the soul of Contador”. Er, maybe putting the Devil on the team roster wasn’t such a good idea after all.

And just what would Lucifer do when he got to what Robbie called ‘the Jesus bridge?’ Walk on water? That’s a bridge too far. To me Jesus bridge is the reaction to a bridge on a tight corner.

It might take a miracle for Porte to get back into the race.

Mattie and Robbie were caught at about 45km to go by Phil and Paul. Paul spotted a very impressive lighthouse which “can be seen at 90 miles per hour.” That’s one hell of a fast speed boat Paul.

Phil and Paul noted that German rider Tony Martin had stayed up late to watch Germany play in Euro 2016. They thought he looked a little tired. Now he knows how Aussie Tour fans feel.

As the peloton approached the finish Paul has appeared to have gone full Brexit by counting down exclusively in miles to go. He’ll be bringing out chains and furlongs pretty soon but it is a change from the completely daft ‘hectometres’.

Back to the race and the peloton eventually bridged the gap to the four breakies. Hats off to Jasper Stuyven (not ‘Peter Stuyvesant’, you can't say that on television) who’d turned himself inside out to stay at the front and was caught at just 500 metres (what’s that in furlongs?) to go.

The uphill finish made the stage look more like the finale to a Spring classic. Indeed classics veteran Alejandro Valverde was in amongst it along with Julian Alaphilippe but it was world road race champ Peter Sagan who ended his three year Tour stage win drought and claimed the golden fleece for the first time.

No joy for Tasmanian Richie Porte who had been cruising comfortably until ‘disaster’ struck when he punctured within 5 km to go. His cause wasn’t helped by the snail pace like wheel change effort from the neutral service. By the time Porte got moving again the front of the pack was already ripping the legs off each other.

Porte seems to be unable to shake off the grand tour curse – a puncture incident cruelled his chances at last year’s Giro. On that occasion he took a two minute penalty for accepting a wheel from Simon Gerrans. This time Porte finished almost two minutes down.

Of course it’s early days but Porte has a big job ahead, and needs a miracle, if wants to get anywhere near the podium in Paris.