Stage 20 Megève / Morzine-Avoriaz - Dizzyguirre Takes Stage On Monster Descent

Stage 20 and it was the penultimate stage before the peloton jumps on a plane for Paris on a 146.5 km mountain stage from Megève to Morzine-Avoriaz.

Over to the kitchen and Gabs made a potato and reblochon cheese gratin which Gabs says is a popular party dish for young adults. He also made mention of a ‘lizard trolley’. I don’t know what sort of wild parties you go to Gabs!

The gratin is also a speciality of the Haute Savoie Alps region so here was a chance for the peloton to savour some real savoie fare...

Gabs has made a late run on the butter. The recipe calls for 20g but the baking dish needs to be lined with extra butter. A whole block should do it, you’d better make doubly sure the gratin doesn’t stick to the base requiring a jack hammer to clean it off. This takes the buerremetric counter to 1.1 kg. Tomorrow’s stage will bring us the verdict on ‘the year of the butter’.

From the fall of the flag at the conclusion of the départ fictif the riders were off to a quick start with Sylvain Chavanel launching the first attack.

Mattie and Robbie engaged in a bit of hot air balloon chat but between you and me, best leave it to the ‘experts’, eh?

The peloton passed what at first appeared to be a chateau but turned out to be a convent. OMG, a real life flying nun school! Plenty of wind must blow through the Alps to achieve lift off.

The rain started pelting down, Some cows were seen standing and one seated at 101 km to go so only the seated cow got the forecast right. No goats were sighted on the stage.

Wet and slippery roads inevitably brought up the topic of tread on bicycle tyres. Robbie didn’t think tread would make much of difference as a car tyre is completely different. Surely Robbie the technology exists to make a bike version of a Computer Cat tyre? They were pretty clever back in the 80s and computers have advanced a fair bit since then.

The heavens really opened and even Thor made an appearance putting the hammer down.

Earlier Henk Vogels had been out looking for filthy roads and filed a report about a monster climb he found so apparently the monster climb is the new filthy road.

Race radio was playing up as moisture seeped into the valves and messages weren’t getting across to the riders. Well, that’s what *they* say – ‘my radio isn’t working’ is the equivalent of the dog ate my homework.

There was some nice work from the camera moto for the deft cutaway from a potential nude male roadside runner. Still in the cold wet conditions we wouldn’t have seen much allowing for shrinkage.

Robbie and Mattie were caught at 60 km to go, or there abouts, my TV screen is getting harder to read. Either I get my eyes tested or get a bigger TV for next year’s Tour.

One minute in to the commentary from the Ps and already the first ‘job of work’ from Paul. This was going to be a long 60 kms.

Please, do tell about this curious sport of 'cyclocross'. In your own time Paul.

Sure enough the mangling of idioms had commenced with ‘petal to the metal’ and ‘new man on the block’.

Chapeau to the French couch peloton contingent who out-Sherliggetted the SherLiggetts with ‘Julinson Pantaphilippe’ and ‘Jarlinsian Alaphitano’, for Julian Alaphilippe and Jarlinson Pantano who’d been riding side by side out front. Genius.

Phil and Paul broke the news Peter Sagan had been handed the must combative rider of the Tour award. The packing room begs to differ – sure he’s been impressive picking up the stage wins but he already had the green jersey in the bag in the first week. Personally I think Pantano should have got it but he did pick it up for the stage at least.

Alaphitano may have been working hard out there but Paul saw Daryl Impey ‘dishing out the stick’.

The end came for the Pantaphilippe duo on the Col de Joux Plane when the fin of the ‘Shark of Messina’ Vincenzo Nibali surfaced. That’s it, when the fin of Nibali appears you’re goooone.

By this time the rain was in Biblical proportions and Phil watched as, “Nibali on the flood waters is closing in”. Phil thought he saw Alaphilippe mouth his last words, “I’m Julian Alaphilippe and I’m from Belg...I’m from France”.

It was a massive mauling from Nibali who made the most of the wet conditions turning it to shark fin soup.

There was 9 km of descending to go under very treacherous conditions on a road that even on a dry day would have you reaching for a pair of FDJ brown knicks.

Nice bike wrangling skills from Pantano who saved himself on a tricky corner and managed to catch the shark that ripped his legs off on the climb.

Race radio was officially washed out as the valves went out one by one. It didn’t seem to matter now as Ion ‘Dizzyguirre’ had the lead and took on the vomit-comet inducing descent.

We got the lecture from Paul about the winter sport of cyclocross. Paul, just like ad breaks in the final 10 kms this really isn’t the time.

Ion Izaguirre soloed to the line and what a win for the Basque born rider who bagged the first win of the Tour for the Moviestars team.

Back in the GC group Chris Froome had a reserved booking for the top step of the podium but the rest of the top ten hadn’t been settled. Richie Porte’s throw at a podium step didn’t quite work and settled for fifth. Twelve year old Romain Bardet must be thrilled as the runner up and Nairo Quintana, who blamed his performance on allergies, still grabbed a podium step in third.

There was a delay in the yellow jersey presso and Tomo was getting worried that the meter on the satellite feed would run out.

We finally got to see Froome receive his golden fleece and podium lion. As it turned out the delay was not caused by a re-dressing of his wounds and a quick freshen up - the machine used by officials to detect heat generated by hidden motors in bikes picked up a Pokémon GO Vaporeon monster and there was a stampede to the Sky team bus.

Stage 10 Escaldes-Engordany / Revel - Bling Revels in Tour Win

Stage 10 and the Tour said goodbye to tiny Andorra as the riders set off on the 197 km hilly parcours from Escaldes-Engordany to Revel.

Gabs had enough time on his hands during the Monday rest day to go out and forage for snails. He wanted to get the riders into the spirit of Bastille Day just around the corner. What could be more French than snails? You couldn’t get any more French if you dressed the critters in striped shirts and berets and gave them a Gauloise but Gabs dressed the snails with herbs and walnut butter instead.

And yes, you read right ‘walnut butter’ and not from walnuts but real butter. At a hefty 150g the buerremetric counter has surged to 690g. Ohh yeah, the butter is back baby!

The rest day in Andorra was time for the riders to go for a bit of a leisurely pedal to keep the legs ticking over and for some serious duty free shopping.

Robbie had been out for a ride with roving reporter Henk Vogels, who had been searching for the filthiest roads in Andorra, came across teams out on their morning coffee rides. Oleg Tinkov was spotted in a rainbow jersey. Robbie thought Oleg was showing a bit of disrespect for the jersey that can only hang on the shoulders of a world champion. On the upside at least he was wearing clothes for once.

Back to the race and a 15 man breakaway formed after the race went over the top up a big climb to Port d’Envalira. Nibs, and Sagan were there along with the Three Musketeers from ORICA-BikeExchange - Daryl Impey, Luke ‘Turbo Durbo’ Durbridge and Bling (Michael Matthews).

Some sponsorship news. We now know Oleg is winding up his Tinkie team to buy a really big boat. Rumour has it he has his eye on Clive Palmer’s Titanic replica when it’s finished. The going price is said to be 20 million euros ONO, fish finder included. Alpecin confirmed it won’t be a sponsor next year so no more German engineering for your hare, it’ll just have to do with Sunsilk.

Robbie and Mattie turned to the topic of fashions in the peloton. They noted there were no sleeve tattoos, unlike footballers, because a sleeve tattoo looks a bit silly on Kermit arms. There are plenty of full set beards though, grown with permission from the captain, and the odd man bun.

Mattie spotted an artificial lake attractive to migrating birds and there’s plenty of water sport to be had. Err, okay Mattie. Fortunately, this one wasn’t radioactive.

When Robbie was racing he said he preferred to stay in a chateau than share a dodgy hotel room with the dodgy habits of roommates. The only thing was he tended to choose cheap ‘fixer-upper’ chateaux with walls but no roof, windows or upper floors.

The breakaway held its ground after a half-hearted attempt at a chase by the peloton that just gave up and decided to extend the rest day.

If snails aren't your thing there's always deconstructed croque madame

In a sign Robbie and Mattie have been spending too much time together we got the classic Keenoism from Robbie, “the cream always rises to the top”.

Expectations were rising in the caravan of commentary that Bling had a good chance of scoring a win. Mattie was so confident in he thought, “Matthews is big enough to pick up Adam Yates and put him in his back pocket”. Is that in the rule book?

The Ps caught Mattie and Robbie at 48 km to go. Thomas Voeckler popped up for a bit of TeeVee time and after all these years he’s ridden at the Tour, Phil is still perplexed by Voeckler’s ‘strange face pulling ceremonies’.

Paul noted as the miles, chains and furlongs counted down and there was still a considerable time gap and no way the peloton was going to bring the breakies back. And how do we know? We know because of Paul’s favourite ‘recipe’ – 10 kilometres for every minute, turn ‘em over and they’re done.

The race made its way through the streets of Castelnaudary. The Ps noted Castelnaudary hosts an annual festival dedicated to the regional culinary speciality, the stew of beans and sausage, cassoulet. The locals take so much pride in the event they name the town Cassouletnaudary for the duration of the festival.

At 24 km to go the leading group split spearheaded by Peter Sagan to form the Magnificent Seven of Sagan, Tom Dumoulin, GVA, Wonderful, Wonderful Boasson Hagen and the Three Musketeers Impey, Durbo and Bling.

Bling was out for revenge after finishing second to Sagan at last year’s world championship. Impey launched a series of attacks but Sagan held him in check. Durbo’s turbo wasn’t whistling as he was turning himself inside out.

Paul wasn’t hearing the whistle of turbos but the ‘whistling of tyres’ each time a rider accelerated.

Bling timed his move to perfection and crossed the line to notch up his first stage win at the Tour in addition to his previous two Giro and three Vuelta stage wins.

In the post race interview Bling said he was close to ‘giving it in’ on the Tour de France after failing to start in 2014 and spent nearly all of last year’s Tour nursing broken ribs all the way to Paris.

Finally after a week of racing the Aussie ORICA-BikeExchange team had something to celebrate and a big party was about to begin at the hotel with all the duty free picked up in Andorra.

Stage 7 L'Isle-Jourdain / Lac de Payolle - Cummings Escapes Arch Rivals to Solo Win

Stage 7 and the Tour has reached the Pyrenees for a weekend in the mountains. At 162.5 km the route was shorter than what the peloton had become accustomed too but factor in the climbs and it’s still a long day in the saddle.

Over in the hot Tour kitchens Gabs was preparing a ‘comforting French winter dish’ of lamb and bean casserole. A bit unusual in the middle of summer in the south of France but Gabs thought a hearty dish would help the riders get through the mountains.

At last, the buerremetric counter made a move from back in stage 3 with the addition of 20g of butter taking it to 540g. Looks like the online petition from the peloton worked this time.

Out on the road and the 12 man early breakaway carrying Peter Sagan and Mark Cavenish was eventually reeled in by the peloton at the 43 km mark.

As we were joined by the caravan of commentary team Matt Keenan and Robbie McEwen, the riders passed what looked like a hot air balloon getting ready for lift off. Finally, a real hot air balloon you can throw out the sandbags from to gain height! On closer inspection it turned out to be not a hot air balloon just Phil and Paul doing their commentary warm up.

Being a Friday afternoon the staff from French TV were staggering about and rather clumsily pouring out glasses of wine for themselves and for the commentary and media teams assembled at the finish. Robbie was tempted but thought he might have a quite vino or two after the race. Best to lay off the booze at that time of day, things were already getting a bit messy out there and there’d already been an ugly incident over at the Eurosport commentary caravan.

Troll DJ turned on the music busting out the classic ‘Bicycle Race’. What? It’s the Queen stage already? That’s usually reserved for the final week of the Tour.

Robbie and Mattie were chewing the fat over how many of the riders in the peloton speak English. Robbie thought it would be most, except for Tony Martin, “who doesn’t speak much in any language” but is, “fluent in 54-11”. Enough said.

Just before Robbie and Mattie were caught the peloton passed a field art bicycle with a back wheel that imploded when it came into view of the Tour chopper.

Phil and Paul made their catch at 4 km earlier than on previous stages so they must have either had the hammer down or melting ‘arsephalt’ slowed Robbie and Mattie down.

Paul saw an old abbey that was once badly damaged during the French Revolution but had been ‘severely’ reconstructed. Not sure about that Paul, it didn’t look like the work of brutalist architects from here.

Phil and Paul were anticipating a battle between the GC contenders on the final climb of the day on the ‘slopes of the S bend’. Paul was particularly worried about a sharp corner on the Col d’S bend, but bends don’t have corners, oh never mind.

A large leading group of 29 men had formed and at 39 km to go Matti Breschel, Antoine Duschesne and Dani Navarro popped out the front of the now splintered group, which Phil called the ‘three carrots’. There was some misty-eyed reminiscing about the now defunct Team Carrot but fortunately the trio didn’t crash out.

The carrot reference may have meant they were the carrot to a hungry chasing bunch of donkeys. It was clear from Tour boundary rider Jens Voigt that there was no stick driving the peloton, however, the Skybots were ‘burning matches’.

The collapse of the flamme rouge deflates the spirit of the peloton.

Steve Cummings made his way up to the carrots and took of rather suddenly at 27km to go. Was the move reckless? All the carrots had to say was, “this is really something”.

The chase was on from Vincenzo Nibali, GVA, Dani Navarro and Daryl Impey. Cummings ascended the Col d’S bend minus the sandbags and it was soon apparent there was no way this fish would be reeled in.

Further down the slopes Phil saw Dominico, ‘Pots of Eno’, ‘Pots of Evo’ (we suspect Phil may have had one or two glasses of vino) make a little move, and thanks to Phil, Dominico Pozzovivo is now clearly ahead of Vincenzo Nibali in the how-many-ways-can-we-mangle-a-surname competition.

As Cummings soloed to the finish, Paul said, ‘the champagne will be in short supply”. Yeah, we kind of figured that judging from the commentary.

Steve Cummings crossed the line and what a ride! He knows not to throw stones but certainly knows when it’s time to throw out the sandbags.

It wasn’t time to celebrate on the dregs of the champagne yet, the rest of the riders had to come home and just as Adam Yates from OBE (ORICA-BikeExchange) approached the 1 km to go flamme rouge inflatable arch, it punctured, causing Yates to chute leaving his face bleeding.

Chaos ensued as the peloton tried to work its way through the flaccid arch like it was some kind tactile interactive art installation.

The motos stopped to lend a hand, God knows when neutral service would show up and we all know how hopelessly slow they are at dealing with punctures.

Until race organisers launch an investigation we can only speculate on what caused the red kite to deflate. Was it a stone or a piece of glass? Was it a simple case of the generator running out of petrol? No, blame it on the EU, it gets blamed for particularly everything else.

The couch peloton drew comparisons with the infamous OGE (Orica-GreenEDGE) bus incident back in stage 1 of the 2013 Tour de France which featured in the very first edition of Le Wrap. Makes you wonder about what it is with OGE/OBE and gantries/red kites at or near the finish line.

Stage 3 Anvers / Huy - Hell in the North

Stage 3 and the Tour moved to Belgium for 159.5 km route from Anvers ( Antwerp) to Huy. The peloton set off with one thing in mind – the  finish at the top of the short but brutal Mur de Huy (literally Wall of Huy), the traditional hill finish of the one-day Spring classic La Fleche Wallonne.

The 1.3km climb doesn’t seem too hard on paper but in reality it’s a narrow twisting climb that kicks up very steeply on some of the corners. The other difficulty associated with the climb is how do you properly pronounce Mur de Huy? Is it ‘Murder Wee’, ‘Moody Wee’? I think we can settle on ‘Moo-do-Hooee’ as a bit of dairying goes on in the area.

Now that the Tour is in Belgium, Gabs thought the lads might be up for a serve of hot chips. Let’s face it, aren’t we all always up for a serve of hot chips? OK, maybe not for breakfast, that’s cold pizza, but you get the idea.

No butter in Gab’s recipe for Belgian fries, just sliced up spuds cooked in hot oil with some mayo to go with it. Anyway who cares about butter? They’re hot chips for goodness sake. The Buerremetric counter sits at 90g.

In contrast to the rain and wind of Zeeland, Belgium put on a lovely day in a part of the world more accustomed to gloomy skies and rain. The peloton looked relatively relaxed, probably with the relief of having survived a nasty day on the blustery Dutch coast.

Spartacus defiantly takes on the Mur de Huy

Just like over the border in Holland, Belgians are rather fond of their road furniture. So much so they took measures to protect it from the riders with tried and true hay bale safety barriers. Either that or they were expecting a large and hungry herd of livestock to follow the peloton.

It was also a lovely day for a bit of tractor field art. At the spring classics in Belgium we saw a lot of tractors at the roadside as part of a campaign by dairy farmers against the removal of EU milk quotas.

In some countries people take to bad street theatre whereas the Belgians seem to take to their tractors whenever they have a gripe against government. A spin off of this is a growing tractor field art movement and from what we saw the Belgians are getting quite good at it.

Phil and Paul discussed the various fashions of the peloton and couldn’t help but notice the change to the Tinkoff-Saxo kit. It’s certainly bright but can’t quite work out what’s the go with the camouflage pattern. Are the Tinkies part of Putin’s plans for an invasion of Ukraine?

Back to the race the peloton was setting a cracking pace when at around 55 km to go disaster struck where a touch of wheels sent riders crashing all over the road and into ditches.

White jersey leader Tom Dumoulin was the first to abandon with a shoulder injury. William Bonnet was out with a head injury.  OGE Simon Gerrans’ run of terrible luck continued with a broken wrist and teammate Daryl Impey also abandoned due a shoulder injury. This is huge blow for the OGEs who will go into the stage 9 team time trial with only seven riders.

The man in yellow Spartacus didn’t escape the mayhem either. He got up looking sore but got back on his bike and rode on - little did we know - with two broken vertebrae.

The crash resulted in the race being neutralised, then it was stopped for about ten minutes by officials as medics were dispatched to deal with the many wounded. Opinion was divided on whether the race should have been totally brought to a halt but given the amount of carnage out there it was probably the right decision.

The race was re-started and the riders were clearly shaken. The riders eventually settled down and the pace was back on. We could see Spartacus was hurting and he was going to hurt more climbing the Mur de Huy.

As the Mur de Huy loomed Phil saw riders ‘bubbling to the top of the pot’. I presume that’s the same as Matthew Keenan’s ‘cream rising to the top’.

On the climb up the Mur de Huy Chris Froome and Alberto Contador went head to head and then Joaquim Rodriguez bubbled over the top to pull away from Froome and ‘Purito’ (little cigar) was first across the line. No stage win cigar for Froome but he moved into yellow with a one second lead over Panzerwagen Tony Martin.

One by one the battered and grazed riders crossed the line and special applause was saved for Fabian Cancellara who was determined to finish the stage with a broken back rather than abandon on course. That’s Spartacus for you, always a fighter to the end.