Stage 10 Escaldes-Engordany / Revel - Bling Revels in Tour Win

Stage 10 and the Tour said goodbye to tiny Andorra as the riders set off on the 197 km hilly parcours from Escaldes-Engordany to Revel.

Gabs had enough time on his hands during the Monday rest day to go out and forage for snails. He wanted to get the riders into the spirit of Bastille Day just around the corner. What could be more French than snails? You couldn’t get any more French if you dressed the critters in striped shirts and berets and gave them a Gauloise but Gabs dressed the snails with herbs and walnut butter instead.

And yes, you read right ‘walnut butter’ and not from walnuts but real butter. At a hefty 150g the buerremetric counter has surged to 690g. Ohh yeah, the butter is back baby!

The rest day in Andorra was time for the riders to go for a bit of a leisurely pedal to keep the legs ticking over and for some serious duty free shopping.

Robbie had been out for a ride with roving reporter Henk Vogels, who had been searching for the filthiest roads in Andorra, came across teams out on their morning coffee rides. Oleg Tinkov was spotted in a rainbow jersey. Robbie thought Oleg was showing a bit of disrespect for the jersey that can only hang on the shoulders of a world champion. On the upside at least he was wearing clothes for once.

Back to the race and a 15 man breakaway formed after the race went over the top up a big climb to Port d’Envalira. Nibs, and Sagan were there along with the Three Musketeers from ORICA-BikeExchange - Daryl Impey, Luke ‘Turbo Durbo’ Durbridge and Bling (Michael Matthews).

Some sponsorship news. We now know Oleg is winding up his Tinkie team to buy a really big boat. Rumour has it he has his eye on Clive Palmer’s Titanic replica when it’s finished. The going price is said to be 20 million euros ONO, fish finder included. Alpecin confirmed it won’t be a sponsor next year so no more German engineering for your hare, it’ll just have to do with Sunsilk.

Robbie and Mattie turned to the topic of fashions in the peloton. They noted there were no sleeve tattoos, unlike footballers, because a sleeve tattoo looks a bit silly on Kermit arms. There are plenty of full set beards though, grown with permission from the captain, and the odd man bun.

Mattie spotted an artificial lake attractive to migrating birds and there’s plenty of water sport to be had. Err, okay Mattie. Fortunately, this one wasn’t radioactive.

When Robbie was racing he said he preferred to stay in a chateau than share a dodgy hotel room with the dodgy habits of roommates. The only thing was he tended to choose cheap ‘fixer-upper’ chateaux with walls but no roof, windows or upper floors.

The breakaway held its ground after a half-hearted attempt at a chase by the peloton that just gave up and decided to extend the rest day.

If snails aren't your thing there's always deconstructed croque madame

In a sign Robbie and Mattie have been spending too much time together we got the classic Keenoism from Robbie, “the cream always rises to the top”.

Expectations were rising in the caravan of commentary that Bling had a good chance of scoring a win. Mattie was so confident in he thought, “Matthews is big enough to pick up Adam Yates and put him in his back pocket”. Is that in the rule book?

The Ps caught Mattie and Robbie at 48 km to go. Thomas Voeckler popped up for a bit of TeeVee time and after all these years he’s ridden at the Tour, Phil is still perplexed by Voeckler’s ‘strange face pulling ceremonies’.

Paul noted as the miles, chains and furlongs counted down and there was still a considerable time gap and no way the peloton was going to bring the breakies back. And how do we know? We know because of Paul’s favourite ‘recipe’ – 10 kilometres for every minute, turn ‘em over and they’re done.

The race made its way through the streets of Castelnaudary. The Ps noted Castelnaudary hosts an annual festival dedicated to the regional culinary speciality, the stew of beans and sausage, cassoulet. The locals take so much pride in the event they name the town Cassouletnaudary for the duration of the festival.

At 24 km to go the leading group split spearheaded by Peter Sagan to form the Magnificent Seven of Sagan, Tom Dumoulin, GVA, Wonderful, Wonderful Boasson Hagen and the Three Musketeers Impey, Durbo and Bling.

Bling was out for revenge after finishing second to Sagan at last year’s world championship. Impey launched a series of attacks but Sagan held him in check. Durbo’s turbo wasn’t whistling as he was turning himself inside out.

Paul wasn’t hearing the whistle of turbos but the ‘whistling of tyres’ each time a rider accelerated.

Bling timed his move to perfection and crossed the line to notch up his first stage win at the Tour in addition to his previous two Giro and three Vuelta stage wins.

In the post race interview Bling said he was close to ‘giving it in’ on the Tour de France after failing to start in 2014 and spent nearly all of last year’s Tour nursing broken ribs all the way to Paris.

Finally after a week of racing the Aussie ORICA-BikeExchange team had something to celebrate and a big party was about to begin at the hotel with all the duty free picked up in Andorra.

Stage 2 Saint-Lô / Cherbourg-en-Cotentin – A Bridge Too Far

Stage 2 and the peloton continued its tour of the Manche ‘departamount’ in Normandy on a slightly lumpy 183 km course between Saint-Lô and Cherbourg-en-Cotentin.

In the kitchen Gabs prepared a sumptuous scallop mousse with prawn sauce. No butter in the actual recipe, that’s reserved for buttering the soufflé bowls. Since there was no actual quantity specified may as well go all out and use the whole block, you can’t be too careful. This takes the buerremetric counter to 270g.

Being just across the channel from England they cop a fair bit of precipitation in this part of France and today was no exception.

On the way to the caravan of commentary Robbie McEwen stopped to have a chat with Tomo. Robbie looked like a drowned rat which had the couch peloton wondering what he’d been up to all morning. It’s only stage 2 of the Tour and I’m starting to worry about Robbie. Mattie, I’d be keeping him on a short leash if I were you.

I mean you don’t want Robbie to follow the example of Henk Vogels who we discovered had been out searching for the ‘filthiest piece of road.’

The breakaway of Paul Voss, Cesare Benedetti, Vegard Breen and Jasper Stuyven was on from the get-go in the soggy conditions. Thank goodness for space-age materials and breathable fabrics that make modern rain capes, according to Robbie like ‘water off a duck’s back.’

But it didn’t stop there, moist conditions played havoc with the moto cameras. The Vaseline smeared camera lens look is soooooo Giro d’Italia.

At the 60km mark Alberto Contador crashed again. This is not a great start for the Spaniard. But more disturbing was the sight of one of the Tinkie team mates appearing to eat the in-sole of Contador’s shoe after retrieving a new one from the team car. Mattie quipped it was a, “late lunch on the soul of Contador”. Er, maybe putting the Devil on the team roster wasn’t such a good idea after all.

And just what would Lucifer do when he got to what Robbie called ‘the Jesus bridge?’ Walk on water? That’s a bridge too far. To me Jesus bridge is the reaction to a bridge on a tight corner.

It might take a miracle for Porte to get back into the race.

Mattie and Robbie were caught at about 45km to go by Phil and Paul. Paul spotted a very impressive lighthouse which “can be seen at 90 miles per hour.” That’s one hell of a fast speed boat Paul.

Phil and Paul noted that German rider Tony Martin had stayed up late to watch Germany play in Euro 2016. They thought he looked a little tired. Now he knows how Aussie Tour fans feel.

As the peloton approached the finish Paul has appeared to have gone full Brexit by counting down exclusively in miles to go. He’ll be bringing out chains and furlongs pretty soon but it is a change from the completely daft ‘hectometres’.

Back to the race and the peloton eventually bridged the gap to the four breakies. Hats off to Jasper Stuyven (not ‘Peter Stuyvesant’, you can't say that on television) who’d turned himself inside out to stay at the front and was caught at just 500 metres (what’s that in furlongs?) to go.

The uphill finish made the stage look more like the finale to a Spring classic. Indeed classics veteran Alejandro Valverde was in amongst it along with Julian Alaphilippe but it was world road race champ Peter Sagan who ended his three year Tour stage win drought and claimed the golden fleece for the first time.

No joy for Tasmanian Richie Porte who had been cruising comfortably until ‘disaster’ struck when he punctured within 5 km to go. His cause wasn’t helped by the snail pace like wheel change effort from the neutral service. By the time Porte got moving again the front of the pack was already ripping the legs off each other.

Porte seems to be unable to shake off the grand tour curse – a puncture incident cruelled his chances at last year’s Giro. On that occasion he took a two minute penalty for accepting a wheel from Simon Gerrans. This time Porte finished almost two minutes down.

Of course it’s early days but Porte has a big job ahead, and needs a miracle, if wants to get anywhere near the podium in Paris.

Stage 5 Arras Communauté Urbaine / Amiens Métropole - Battle on The Somme

Stage 5 and the Tour route took the riders through the First World War battlefields of The Somme on a day, as they say in the classics, that was ‘one for the sprinters.’

Gabs thought he’d been spoiling the peloton a little too much in the first few days of the Tour with treats like Belgian fries and crème brûlée. Time to get healthy, so Gabs threw together  a baby beetroot and walnut salad. Knowing not everybody likes beetroot Gabs put up a sans beetroot option, which happened to be just plain walnuts. No beer either, it was strictly ghastly kale smoothies today.

Butter was a definite no, no and after a terrific start in the first stages the Buerremetric counter has been left sitting on 90g.

The riders set off to dark skies that matched the sombre mood of the day. The rain and wind made conditions a little more uncomfortable for the riders, many who might have thought this would have been an easy day in the saddle after surviving the cobbles of stage 4.

From the start Phil and Paul detected nervousness in the peloton and if their commentary could be heard by the riders on race radio this talk of nervousness would soon have turned to annoyance. Also guys, we’re well versed in the dangers of the feed zone but a feed zone lecture twice in the space of ten minutes? I guess they don’t want us to miss anything.

Only 11km into the race and a crash claimed French sprint hopeful Nacer Bouhanni who was taken away in an ambulance. Later a crash forced Jack Bauer (the Kiwi rider, not the bloke from 24) out of the race.

FDJ's performance has Tomo worried

It wasn’t only the riders who crashed. A motorcycle cop escorting the race from, according to Paul, the ‘presidential guard’ managed to hit the lip of the tarmac and fell to the side of the road. The rider seemed all right but was obviously an ex-carrot from the now defunct Euskaltel-Euskadi team who had a tendency to crash all the time.

The SBS Troll DJ couldn’t help him/herself seeing the motorcycle chute and chimed in with ‘Sound of Da Police’ from KRS One.

As the race settled down the route was a sobering reminder of the real carnage that took place on the World War I battlefields of The Somme 100 years ago as the peloton rode by monuments and cemetery after cemetery of war dead. Such a shocking waste of young lives.

Troll DJ brought us back to the race from an ad break with David Bowie’s ‘Wild is the Wind’ and we caught the end of a phone conversation between Keeno and guest commentator the Jensie. What was that about? Intrigue? Plot? Phil and Paul will want to keep a very close eye on those two.

Poor Thibaut Pinot had another shocker of a day with a crash about 24 km from the finish. Last year’s third place getter and one of France’s best hopes could not bridge the 6 minute 30 second gap.

No such worries for the Gorilla who looks like he’s getting used to wearing green. In the battle for the line all the big guns were there – Alexander Kristoff, John Degenkolb, the ‘Manx Missile’ Mark Cavendish and Andre Greipel.

Seemingly out of no where Peter Sagan surged to the line to finish just behind the Gorilla. ‘Panzerwagen’ Tony Martin hung on to the golden fleece 12 seconds ahead of Chris Froome.

Meanwhile Henk Vogels found his way back to Amiens for the post-race analysis after he was picked up by a farmer in a tractor on the cobbles. Tomo was wondering what was going on with Pinot and his FDJ team urging Henk to come out and say they were soft.

Whether Henk thought FDJ is as soft as camembert cheese we’ll never know but if FDJ wants to remain even within cooee of the podium in Paris they’ll need to HTFU quick smart.

Stage 4 Seraing / Cambrai - Follow the Yellow Cobble Road

Stage 4 and the Tour crossed the border from Belgium into France on the longest stage from Seraing to Cambrai. Like last year Tour organisers threw in some cobbles from the famous one-day Paris-Roubaix just to shake up the race a bit.

To celebrate the peloton’s arrival back in France, Gabs prepared the classic French dessert crème brûlée but with a peppermint twist. Gabs prefers fresh peppermint but if none’s available crème de menthe will do the trick but for God sakes don’t overdo it!

Meanwhile SBS sent commentator Henk Vogels to do a Tony Greig style pitch report from the cobbles. Trying to find a smooth path on the cobbles is a bit like trying to find the smooth end on a pineapple. The middle of the cobbles is where you want to be according to Henk. But Henk, what about the keys to test the cracks in the surface? Where’s the ‘weather wall? ‘

Henk has been somewhat animated in his post stage analysis wraps with Tomo. I recall the late Tony Greig once lost a key in the pitch at the WACA. I’m starting to worry Henk will loose his marbles by the end of the first week. I put it down to either the excitement of being at the Tour or maybe it’s all that sugar in the crème brûlée.

As the peloton raced to the cobbles there was a lot of chat from Paul about the special designs on the bikes adapted for the rough cobbles.

There’s a lot more suspension on these bikes than we’ve seen in the past but it’s rather discrete compared to a full suspension mountain bike which is more like a pogo stick on wheels.

Among the clever innovations Paul noticed a ‘strange polymer insert’ on one of Asstana’s S-Works bikes, which had us guessing if it was a seat post without a saddle.

Phil was more concerned about the forecast for rain and what it might do to the cobbles. He said wet cobbles were like riding on ice. Er, I don’t think WADA would allow that Phil.

A section of cobbles

By the way want to know a Froome fact? According to Phil Chris Froome was born at 6,000ft in Kenya. That’s a long way to drop, perhaps he was on a full suspension mountain bike to cushion the landing.

During the ad breaks Marcel Kittel has been popping up on the telly flogging that ‘German engineered’ Alpecin caffeine shampoo. Fair enough, he needs something to do whilst he’s out of this year’s Tour.

The shampoo is one of those two-in-one jobs, so I presume you can wash your hair and drink it so you get your morning caffeine hit before leaving the shower. What a time saver! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Clever Germans.

John Degenkolb is doing Alpecin ads as well. Now what I don’t understand is if Degenkolb is out on his bike, how can he be in the ads at the same time? Another thing I don’t understand is how his hair is really short but has a healthy looking beard. Does he use the shampoo on his head or his face?

Back to the race and by the time the riders hit the first of the seven cobble sectors the ‘Big Four’ Froome, Quintana, Contador and Nibali were well up front with Nibs leading the charge for a good part of the way. Again the ‘Shark from Messina’ proved what a great rider on the cobbles he is. He really should give Paris-Roubaix a crack next spring.

Cyclo-cross ace Zdenek Stybar was taking the cobbles in his stride. According to Phil he ‘likes roads with no surface’, which either means Stybar prefers sailing through thin air or it was FUBAR commentary from Phil.

It wasn’t a good day for last year’s Tour third place getter Thibaut Pinot. He punctured at about 20km to go and looked like he was losing his cool. A few minutes later he was forced to stop due to a mechanical. He was filthy and we almost saw a bike discus. From there he couldn’t get his head back into the race and one of France’s big hopes ending up finishing 6 minutes 30 seconds behind.

After three days of knocking at the door of the maillot juane, Panzerwagen Tony Martin won the stage with Degenkolb in second, and took the golden fleece off the shoulders of Froome.

Henk Vogels was conspicuously absent from the day’s post-race wrap up. Did the SBS crew ‘accidentally’ leave him behind out in a field in Northern France?